Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our nanny. DH’s family is all overseas, and I had our kids at 39 and 41 and my only sibling is 8 years older. If we picked my sister then our kids would be at a high risk of not only losing both parents before 18 but then also losing their replacement guardian at a youngish age. Nanny is late-20’s and single but she loves them like her own and would make sure that our family is in their lives but she would also be able to be there for them for decades to come after their extended family have died or succumbed to dementia.

And yes we talked to nanny about it and also talked to extended family and explained our reasoning and they were all understanding and supportive.

are you leaving your nanny money to care for your multiple children? Will the house be in her name? Vehicles? Etc?

I worried about this for years, since both of our families left little to be desired in the parenting department. I am now thankful both of my DC are college educated and ready to move out on their own, they could never have survived the train wreck that is our extended family.

Everything has been discussed and is in a trust.
They would first go to my parents but only if my mom is still alive (don’t think my dad could handle them on his own at his age with medical conditions).

After my mom, we have cousins with kids similar age in the area who we are very close to.

After that, a younger uncle and aunt of mine, although hopefully it wouldn’t get this far down the line!

We have never talked about it. If I die, DH is first choice to be guardian. If it is not an option, my kids will go to my parents or my siblings. They will not leave my kids as orphans.

We have no good candidates really. My siblings aren’t local and don’t have stable lives in which to properly raise kids. My husband’s only sibling is a terrible person and lives abroad anyway. We don’t have any friends close enough to ask. So it’s my parents but they’re in their 70s and our kids are young so I know it’s not a great option either…sigh

Anonymous wrote:Close friends. I’m an only child and DH’s only brother is an unmarried alcoholic. Soooo we don’t exactly have great family options. Our parents are already mid/late 70s with health issues (our youngest kid is 6).

We picked local friends like a PP mentioned because we would not want to uproot our kids’ lives on top of dealing with loss.

We did make it clear to our friends we have several million in life insurance + a good chunk of home equity/savings and as a fed eligible for death benefits, the kids could stay on my fed benefits until age 26. So basically, God forbid, there would be plenty of money to help them outsource because I know it’s a huge ask to raise 3 kids that aren’t even family. It would possibly mean needing a bigger house, nannies, etc.

Thank you for understanding this. I had a permanent falling out with a sibling who expected me to foot the bill should the worst happen. She was unwilling to purchase what we’d consider adequate life insurance.

I did raise an eyebrow at the “very rich cousins” comment upthread. Your cousins being rich doesn’t lessen your responsibility to financially provide for your kids in the event of your untimely demise.

Initially my mom. Then my brother and SIL. Now my oldest is 24, if something happens to us, his youngest sister goes to him and his wife.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Put it in writing asap. If not if something unexpected happens kids could end up in foster care, and face moving homes and schools multiple times.

Does this happen if you don’t have it in writing, even if there are family members willing and able to take them?

No it doesn’t. And just because you put it in the will doesn’t mean the person will agree or that it won’t be contested by someone else. In DC a child over 14 can also select their own guardian. You don’t get to give your kids away like property.

Anonymous wrote:Put it in writing asap. If not if something unexpected happens kids could end up in foster care, and face moving homes and schools multiple times.

Does this happen if you don’t have it in writing, even if there are family members willing and able to take them?

We are lucky to have a really young grandparent (she's 62 and the kids are now 11 and 7). I think she would be willing to move here, too.

Close friends. I’m an only child and DH’s only brother is an unmarried alcoholic. Soooo we don’t exactly have great family options. Our parents are already mid/late 70s with health issues (our youngest kid is 6).

We picked local friends like a PP mentioned because we would not want to uproot our kids’ lives on top of dealing with loss.

We did make it clear to our friends we have several million in life insurance + a good chunk of home equity/savings and as a fed eligible for death benefits, the kids could stay on my fed benefits until age 26. So basically, God forbid, there would be plenty of money to help them outsource because I know it’s a huge ask to raise 3 kids that aren’t even family. It would possibly mean needing a bigger house, nannies, etc.

My sister who lives 2 hours away. We're her back-up too. We have provisions in our will for paying for our kids' care and housing.

10 years ago our best couple friends asked us to be the back-up guardians for their four kids. We said yes, what else can you do? Her sibling lives on another continent and her husband's family is local but not ideal. But honestly, I would have a much harder time raising a friend's kids than a sibling's. I just don't love anyone as deeply as my FOO.

And yes, sometimes I lie awake at night imagining that BOTH of these couples die and I wind up with seven extra kids.

Though to be honest we haven't seen our couple friends as much recently, and I wouldn't be surprised if they've made other plans.

Much older sister and no I never told her! I know that’s awful but I was afraid she’d say no. I joked it would be like that Diane Keaton movie where she inherits a baby….
Anyway kids are now late teens and I’m wondering if I should change it to a Party of Five situation (although there’s only 3 of them), and make the oldest the guardian for the younger two. She could use the insurance money to just hire a couple live in Nannies for the next couple of years or send them both to boarding school.

Anonymous wrote:Agree with PP about staying local. Initially it was an out of state sister but have since switched to my best friend who lives in the same city. God forbid this needed to happen, uprooting their entire lives on top of losing parents would just be horrific. We asked her before changing the will.

We did something similar.

Put it in writing asap. If not if something unexpected happens kids could end up in foster care, and face moving homes and schools multiple times.