The Surprising Gift of the "Old Age" Filter
And what a PetScan cannot see

ANDREA GIBSON

https://andreagibson.substack.com/p/cancer-love-acceptance-old-age-filter

1) We need the 50 and over forum back.

2) OP, this is so about Depression. (fyi---Depression is looking backwards, and Anxiety is looking forward). I hope you are speaking with a good therapist! The drugs alone won't do it.

3) There is a saying that has really helped me (in part because it's so easy to remember!)

To be happy you need:
1) Someone to love
2) Something to do, and
3) Something to look forward to

Please think on that, it's a great framework!

and love to you, OP.
~your 58 y.o. random DCUMer

Also 10:21

Maybe lonely and empty ie not a lot of people and people stuff fulling the seconds and brain is terrifying because we are left sittting quietly with ourselves, getting to know this stranger whose flesh we have inhabited?

I am the reviled 10:21
I write haiku.
I spent my go go go career years never even seeing how beautiful our garden had become. I never looked at it. So yes time to see the beauty in a living creature doing the mundane is meaningful in a spiritual way for me.

I totally get what you are feeling and feel much the same way.

But there are lots of people who did lots of great things after middle age. The founder of the Girl Scouts, as one example, was childless and middle aged and also basically broke after her awful husband gambled away all her family money and left her for a younger woman. But instead of crawling up into a ball, she founded an organization that helped young girls for a century. One thing I’ve thought about is many e just to volunteer to run a GS troop for girls in a working class neighborhood where the moms don’t have the ability to volunteer to do that sort of thing.

My own grandmother was widowed at 50 so went back to work and had a whole different career and made a lot of younger friends.

I have a neighbor that volunteers as a docent at the zoo and know another that reads books to kids at childrens hospital.

There are a lot of ways to make your life meaningful to others and you never know — maybe after volunteering in one of these roles, you will figure out an exciting new chapter for yourself. And even if there’s not an exciting new chapter, you can make things a little nicer for someone else.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP — ask for this to be moved to the menopause forum. You’ll get tons of input. Much will be good.

This is why I feel like we need a more general midlife forum since post like this are more than just menopause.

We used to have a 50s and over forum that was perfect for these topics but eldercare was added and it became mostly about that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait for the drugs to work. You are in deep depression looking at your "lost job" that hasn't even happened yet.
Death is everywhere. Wait until you are 70 and people younger than you are dropping.

When you are able to, take the attitude that YOU matter.
YOU are not just a kid grower, job drone, housecleaning.
If you don't enjoy time alone with your spouse, why? Or is all you do talk about kids and jobs?

There is more.
I am prone to cycles of depression. I walked out of my last job 16 years ago. The cats died. We never had kids.
Most days are meaningful. I see beauty even in a bird sitting on the curb. Some days I think about just quitting. But it passes.

Find something to do besides your job that matters to someone outside your house. Pick up litter on a walk,

I feel like the OP, but what you’re posting isn’t helpful. Looking for beauty in a bird in order to fill my life, fills me dread. This is really lonely and empty to me. This just made it worse.

Well gee thanks. It's my life. Sorry it's repellent to you. Bless your heart.

Do nothing. Seriously. Until your medicine starts working, just do nothing.

Just wait for your medicine to work.

You are on a lifeboat and the rescue tug is on the way. Stop flailing around in the dainty lifeboat. Just do nothing and stay afloat while you wait.

I'm in my mid 50s, and I feel like we are going to get our lives back when our youngest goes off to college.

Health issues? Yes. But, I won't let that stop me. I don't have any hobbies, really. But, I plan on traveling, gardening, doing some home repairs and organizing.

I love my children, and when they come back, I will be happy to have them back, but they will have their own lives to live as I will have my own life to live.

My sister has been an empty nester for several years now, and she is having the time of her life. She has a lot of health issues (breast cancer included), but that doesn't stop her from having fun.

And actually, not having kids at home means you can focus on your health more, which is what I'm planning on doing.

Embrace your empty nest and make it what you want.

OP, I have no advice only commiseration at age 49. I am constantly thinking about all the parts of my life that I wish I could relive. I truly believe the best years of my life are behind me and don’t know what I have to look forward to.

Treat the depression, and you’ll start feeling better.

Go to therapy.

Do things to increase dopamine.

When oldest kid went to college, we met the families of their closest friends and now have new acquaintances. True that it’s not the same as before. It’s nice though. Life is full of changes.

You have probably been putting yourself on hold for so long you forgot how to tend to your own wants & needs. Go find yourself again. What did you like to do before you were a wife, mother and working professional? Maybe plan a little fall retreat for yourself. Cabin with a hot tub and mountain views.

If all else fails, there is always pickleball.

I sympathize with you OP. At the same time, I can hardly relate to this because I felt like my life didn’t even BEGIN until my kids were out of the house. I could quit the job I had that paid the bills and finally do the things I wanted to do, spend each day the way I wanted to spend it (instead of the way my family needed me to spend it), etc. It’s like I finally got to see who I was after all those years of not prioritizing myself. The years after the next emptied have been the absolute BEST years of my life.

Run for office

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I don’t not want to be with my DH. It’s just that I love us as a family unit. We genuinely enjoy each other. And filling that time with secondary projects and busy work doesn’t fill that time or desire.

Additionally it’s not just the “empty nest” it’s the feeling of having no worth and no meaningful goals as I age. All those things I wanted, I have. It’s behind me now. And realizing if I start something I could
Be dead before I finish it.

We have pets. And they are important to us. But now I’m thinking “I’ll never be able to have a kitten again, bc it may outlive me.” (Ftr, I enjoy adults animals and even seniors too).
It all Just seems so. . . Meaningless. Lonely.

Start your own business