Parent 1 lived 10 years with Alzheimer’s. Parent 2 is chugging along after three years or so and can still walk around and go places. In my experience, dementia does not progress quickly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My nuclear family (4 kids, 2 parents )+ all the spouses and kids found it a lot easier to move our Thanksgiving to the second Saturday in November. Flights were cheaper, highways weren't crowded, it was much easier to travel, and you could even take off Friday or Monday from work if you needed to because it wasn't "the holiday season".

We were able to have a large, proper family gathering, with all the trimmings, and still had a couple weeks to recover if we needed to travel to celebrate with our spouses family.

I used to spend 10 hours driving from DC to upstate NY on Thanksgiving Wednesday with screaming kids (including rest stops and all the backup) until we started this tradition. Now, the trip can take just 6 hours.

I love this. So much sanity. So much logic. Someday I hope I can do the same.

We do same - not fan of eating 2 big meals (with immediate fam & ILs) in one day.
It's not the date/day that matters but the celebration itself.

Anonymous wrote:My nuclear family (4 kids, 2 parents )+ all the spouses and kids found it a lot easier to move our Thanksgiving to the second Saturday in November. Flights were cheaper, highways weren't crowded, it was much easier to travel, and you could even take off Friday or Monday from work if you needed to because it wasn't "the holiday season".

We were able to have a large, proper family gathering, with all the trimmings, and still had a couple weeks to recover if we needed to travel to celebrate with our spouses family.

I used to spend 10 hours driving from DC to upstate NY on Thanksgiving Wednesday with screaming kids (including rest stops and all the backup) until we started this tradition. Now, the trip can take just 6 hours.

I love this. So much sanity. So much logic. Someday I hope I can do the same.

My nuclear family (4 kids, 2 parents )+ all the spouses and kids found it a lot easier to move our Thanksgiving to the second Saturday in November. Flights were cheaper, highways weren't crowded, it was much easier to travel, and you could even take off Friday or Monday from work if you needed to because it wasn't "the holiday season".

We were able to have a large, proper family gathering, with all the trimmings, and still had a couple weeks to recover if we needed to travel to celebrate with our spouses family.

I used to spend 10 hours driving from DC to upstate NY on Thanksgiving Wednesday with screaming kids (including rest stops and all the backup) until we started this tradition. Now, the trip can take just 6 hours.

Anonymous wrote:OP back with a thank you.

So much to consider. Our DC really want to travel and be with their cousins (all young adults-college age) and I would absolutely go without DH.

I don’t add this but my last parent died a few months ago. So this is our first Thanksgiving w/o parents. My siblings and I have vowed to see each other as often as we can since our former childhood home, sold last year, was always a natural gathering place. So many emotions.

This changes things IMO. I was originally in agreement with the poster who said to make a special visit this year because they are reeling from the diagnosis, and then go back to normal afterwards (i.e. they don't get to use this excuse indefinitely). But grieving for your own parents and being with family to heal is just as important as "grandma's last holiday" IMO.

But my first question was where do you celebrate Christmas (or whatever your December holiday may be)? We always try to split holidays between families. So if you already have plans for one family for Thanksgiving, and the other family gets Christmas, I would honestly keep that and maybe you offer the ILs another holiday like New Years or something. Plan a nice dinner and music or whatever floats their boat. Or if your DH has siblings, see if you can arrange for them to all visit a week before or after Thanksgiving to be together.

Frankly, I hate holidays. I hate how we are expected to be everywhere with everyone on this one single day, and if you visit the following week it is somehow not as good and now you get a guilt trip.

Anonymous wrote:My parents played this card for thirty years. The only difference it made to us was that when we planned a vacation we purchased the travel insurance. We spent time with them when we could, but after about year 8 it started to get old. It's ultimately a form of manipulation and control.

I relate to this so much. I spent years falling for it and we went a number of years without vacations because of worrying about emergencies since there were so many. You eventually have to set boundaries. Make it clear you want to see them and will be there for them, but you no longer want the reminders of "the last holiday" or other guilt trips because it makes you want to see them LESS rather than more and you want to ENJOY your time with them.

My husband and I also had the relatives who claimed to be dying for many years. Once we saw perfectly healthy relatives get cancer and other things and die before the dying ones, we realized we have to prioritize and use critical thinking skills. One of his dying aunts (20 years ago she started with it) is now one of his last living elderly relatives and she seems fine. He had one relative claim to be dying a facial cancer. It was a non-melanoma skin cancer. Luckily we were onto that one since we knew people our age with skin cancers.

In general, we spend more time with relatives who are sincere and kind-hearted and don't use manipulation tactics, but you can't force parents who do this to change, just set your boundaries and make things clear.

My mom is in year 8 or 9(?) of vascular dementia with no end in sight. Your DH is probably still processing this but dementia patients can stick around forever. I’d prioritize your siblings and kids cousins and strengthen those bonds. If you’d in-laws weren’t close by I’d have a different response.

Anonymous wrote:OP back with a thank you.

So much to consider. Our DC really want to travel and be with their cousins (all young adults-college age) and I would absolutely go without DH.

I don’t add this but my last parent died a few months ago. So this is our first Thanksgiving w/o parents. My siblings and I have vowed to see each other as often as we can since our former childhood home, sold last year, was always a natural gathering place. So many emotions.

I'm sorry, OP. That is hard. My family is also facing realigning traditions as the matriarch/patriarch grandparents who held everyone together died in the same year as my mother, who did all the hosting. What we have found is sometimes you have to make new traditions. First everything without parents is terribly hard, but it's also very hard to watch a parent slip away (saw this with my mom for a year before she died). Let your kids go see their cousins if they're adults, and you and DH go to his parents for Thanksgiving. Find another weekend that you make into a permanent thing with your siblings. Maybe that's Christmas or Easter, or another religious or secular holiday that many people have free, or just the first week of fall every year, etc.

But not going to his parents' place for this Thanksgiving won't bring your parent back, and there are other times you could see his siblings, whereas this really may be one of the last times DH's mother is mentally present for a big holiday. Even if she is alive next year and cognizant she will undoubtedly be worse than she is now. That's how dementia works. It's not always a steady progression but a year is a long time and there is simply no way she won't be worse in some fashion, even if it's not dramatic.

Anonymous wrote:Many with dementia/alzheimers are gone within 2 years. Mom lasted 18 years after diagnosis.

Can you have Thanksgiving dinner a week before with MIL and FIL?

Really, it’s called the long slow goodbye? But if the actual day is important here (you must gather on the 4th Thursday of November) then you each see your families and the kids pick. But it seems like the real thing is that he wants to connect with his parents and you want to connect with your siblings. That is not date dependent and either group can do it immediately or after the holiday if you want to go as a family.

Anonymous wrote:OP back with a thank you.

So much to consider. Our DC really want to travel and be with their cousins (all young adults-college age) and I would absolutely go without DH.

I don’t add this but my last parent died a few months ago. So this is our first Thanksgiving w/o parents. My siblings and I have vowed to see each other as often as we can since our former childhood home, sold last year, was always a natural gathering place. So many emotions.

You are still dealing with your grief. It is not uncommon to feel resentful and envious of people that still have their parents.

Anonymous wrote:My DH says the same thing every holiday season: "This could be grandma's last thanksgiving...christmas...easter..".

5 years and counting now.

Alzheimer's can be a slow progression for some people.

Exactly this. 10 years+ with Lewy body dementia.

This has been our family dynamic for five years now. Last birthday, last Christmas, last Thanksgiving. It’s like we’re never allowed to leave the area.