I am amazed I am married TBH. So much compromising and growing and putting your partner first. I married at 25. And we have now been married 25 years with two kids. I love DH and hope to be married to him for many many more years. But if something were to happen, I cannot see myself getting married again. The guy I built my family with is my husband and really the only one I could give so much to.

Anonymous wrote:Casual hookups don’t require an emotional investment. I think a lot of 40’s and 50’s recent divorcees need a minute to heal but still want physical pleasures. You’re going to find that people farther away from their divorce may be more open to an actual romantic relationship. But everyone needs a chance to lick their wounds.

Anonymous wrote:My definition of love is very different, but probably much better.

Let’s hear it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Love after kids is so different. My ex will always be the great love of my life because of the significance of things we experienced together amd the life we created. Unfortunately our personalities were like oil and water and we couldn’t live together peacefully.

I’ve learned that the hot and heavy honeymoon phase is pretty meaningless in predicting relationship health and longevity. Day to day compatibility is so much more important to me as an early 50s woman whose family is complete. My current partner is first and foremost a great friend who I happen to also be very sexually compatible with and attracted to. But most importantly (to me), we co-exist harmoniously and share similar interests and values.

So to answer OP, I think people still seek love but the type of love they seek has changed with maturity and stage in life.

Amen and so well written! My husband and I were very good friends for a number of years before we got together and we had a wonderful non romantic relationship. We never went through an early on hot and heavy period as the friendship just evolved into so much more. Thirty years later that friendship continues and there is still plenty of romance.

Interesting. I agree with the second paragraph, but calling your ex the great love of her life makes me suspect of her current relationship. Like she is ranking her relationships with importance or “love” rather than by day to day compatibility. It cancels out the second paragraph in a way by lessening her current feelings about compatibility.

Maybe saying, my ex will be a great love in my life would have been more appropriate to giving both types of relationships importance.

Anonymous wrote:Love after kids is so different. My ex will always be the great love of my life because of the significance of things we experienced together amd the life we created. Unfortunately our personalities were like oil and water and we couldn’t live together peacefully.

I’ve learned that the hot and heavy honeymoon phase is pretty meaningless in predicting relationship health and longevity. Day to day compatibility is so much more important to me as an early 50s woman whose family is complete. My current partner is first and foremost a great friend who I happen to also be very sexually compatible with and attracted to. But most importantly (to me), we co-exist harmoniously and share similar interests and values.

So to answer OP, I think people still seek love but the type of love they seek has changed with maturity and stage in life.

Amen and so well written! My husband and I were very good friends for a number of years before we got together and we had a wonderful non romantic relationship. We never went through an early on hot and heavy period as the friendship just evolved into so much more. Thirty years later that friendship continues and there is still plenty of romance.

Love after kids is so different. My ex will always be the great love of my life because of the significance of things we experienced together amd the life we created. Unfortunately our personalities were like oil and water and we couldn’t live together peacefully.

I’ve learned that the hot and heavy honeymoon phase is pretty meaningless in predicting relationship health and longevity. Day to day compatibility is so much more important to me as an early 50s woman whose family is complete. My current partner is first and foremost a great friend who I happen to also be very sexually compatible with and attracted to. But most importantly (to me), we co-exist harmoniously and share similar interests and values.

So to answer OP, I think people still seek love but the type of love they seek has changed with maturity and stage in life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes I think people our age still believe in love. But a more seasoned mature view of it. We know that limerance is not love. We know that limerance fades. We know love like loving our children, which is so deep, and so shallow hookups can't possibly be love. We know that finding a deep love that lasts takes a lot of work and sacrifice.

Maybe off topic but is unconditional love like that for your children also found in a significant other?

No. And I think a big sign of maturity is acknowledging that you will always need to earn love and that the love you give should also be earned. The only people who will ever love you unconditionally are your parents. You need to work for the rest. There's something to the idea that you never stop trying to get that other person to fall for you, even after you've locked it down. But that's a sustained, focused effort that many aren't up for, even if they think they deserve unconditional love.

My definition of love is very different, but probably much better.

Anonymous wrote:Define Love and I’ll tell you if it exists.

Exactly. This thread makes it seem like love is when you keep giving to the other person. Is it that transactional? And if we stay after a couple PAs and a couple EAs, and we keep giving, are we loving or is it something worse? I dont want a divorce but sometimes feel the love is one-sided.

Anonymous wrote:Casual hookups don’t require an emotional investment. I think a lot of 40’s and 50’s recent divorcees need a minute to heal but still want physical pleasures. You’re going to find that people farther away from their divorce may be more open to an actual romantic relationship. But everyone needs a chance to lick their wounds.

I’m four years away from my divorce and honestly, I didn’t have a relationship in marriage for the last eight years of my marriage and I am no closer to wanting any kind of romantic connection.

I am mid 40s and divorced. I think I was done looking for love when I was 28 before I met my ex-husband because I was destroyed by a break up. I think by the time most people hit 30 they’re done with the love thing because you can’t really grow together if you’re getting married in your late 20s or later. I think love and marriage only works if you’re getting married from 22-27 or so.

I would never remarry because I did not see any benefits of marriage whatsoever and I’m not naïve enough to think that I’m going to find love like I did in my early 20s.

I’m 46 and we have been around a lot of divorces. I think people absolutely fall in love again. I think they give up faster and often put kids first. We know several people who divorced in early forties and already remarried. If you are good looking and successful, there is no shortage of people looking to date. I do think the men do better than the divorced women or women prioritize the kids more.

It is such a sexist double standard and I’m the woman. When an older woman is sleeping around, it often looks sleezy and looked down upon but if a man does it, it seems more acceptable. My 50yo is dating multiple men at the same time while ex has many health problems. Teen daughter knows her mom is dating multiple men and she thinks her mom is gross. It isn’t so great hearing your friend talking about her conquests while ex is in and out of the hospital and I think kids are really damaged by the whole situation. Mom is loving it up though.

Define Love and I’ll tell you if it exists.

Anonymous wrote:Casual hookups don’t require an emotional investment. I think a lot of 40’s and 50’s recent divorcees need a minute to heal but still want physical pleasures. You’re going to find that people farther away from their divorce may be more open to an actual romantic relationship. But everyone needs a chance to lick their wounds.

What if you are a type that needs an emotional connection first? I guess that narrows it down.

Casual hookups don’t require an emotional investment. I think a lot of 40’s and 50’s recent divorcees need a minute to heal but still want physical pleasures. You’re going to find that people farther away from their divorce may be more open to an actual romantic relationship. But everyone needs a chance to lick their wounds.