Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is similar. Comes to visit and wants to do shopping and lunches. Makes constant comments about how miserable I must be with the “crazy schedule” I have of kid activities. (Each kid does one extracurricular -neither of which is excessive.)
She’s not interested in spending much time with my kids aside from getting the obligatory cute grandkids pictures to share with her friend group.
I look at other people whose parents are involved and engaged grandparents and I just feel sad. I would have so much more time for her if she spent it with my family and my kids. We used to be so close but it’s hard to have a deep relationship with someone who isn’t interested in my kids at all or who subtly implies she resents them. I chalk it up to being a selfish boomer. Which is probably unfair.

This issue can go both ways. My MIl and SIL do not live locally but are very engaged and want to spend more time with our family and kids than we can handle. The expectations are exhausting. If we say no, we get guilt and the assumption we must not love or care about them. They have come up with ideals for how they want to spend their time with our kids and we are expected to deliver. It often becomes a dispute because we are not prioritizing their wants and emotional needs over our own. It’s hard to find balance.

Oh, how tragic for you to have involved families that want to help care for or be there for your kids. God, do you hear yourself?

That isn't what the post you quoted said.

Yes it did. Said they are very engaged.

“are very engaged and want to spend more time with our family and kids.”

But that isn't what YOU said. "want to help care for or be there for your kids." PP that you quoted did not say that. She said that the family has "ideals for how they want to spend their time with our kids and we are expected to deliver." Pp's family does not want to "help care for" the kids. They want to have interactions that only benefit them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is similar. Comes to visit and wants to do shopping and lunches. Makes constant comments about how miserable I must be with the “crazy schedule” I have of kid activities. (Each kid does one extracurricular -neither of which is excessive.)
She’s not interested in spending much time with my kids aside from getting the obligatory cute grandkids pictures to share with her friend group.
I look at other people whose parents are involved and engaged grandparents and I just feel sad. I would have so much more time for her if she spent it with my family and my kids. We used to be so close but it’s hard to have a deep relationship with someone who isn’t interested in my kids at all or who subtly implies she resents them. I chalk it up to being a selfish boomer. Which is probably unfair.

This issue can go both ways. My MIl and SIL do not live locally but are very engaged and want to spend more time with our family and kids than we can handle. The expectations are exhausting. If we say no, we get guilt and the assumption we must not love or care about them. They have come up with ideals for how they want to spend their time with our kids and we are expected to deliver. It often becomes a dispute because we are not prioritizing their wants and emotional needs over our own. It’s hard to find balance.

Oh, how tragic for you to have involved families that want to help care for or be there for your kids. God, do you hear yourself?

That isn't what the post you quoted said.

Yes it did. Said they are very engaged.

“are very engaged and want to spend more time with our family and kids.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, they kinda are competition for your time. I don't think you have to put up with rude behavior or give your parent what they want. But there's only so many hours in the day.

I think a lot of aging parents feel anxiety that their future needs will be more than their support people can willingly handle.

This. And I wish people generally would show more grace on this.

You do not need to tolerate rudeness or let the parents have what they want if you cannot or don't want to do so, or just can't do so. But, the anxiety of aging is very real. At over 50 and will a significant health scare behind me, and recognizing I prob only have 25-30 years ahead of me, and what that will look like, has started causing me a lot of anxiety (that I've never had before). I cannot imagine what it may be like for some elderly, esp if they are ill, lack finances, lack support.

One day many of you will be in the position of those you are complaining about. But remember, they were once teens, ballerinas, football players, nurses, mothers, sons and daughters. They were you. You're going to want compassion and empathy when the time comes.

Nope. I took on this way of thinking of having endless empathy and it literally almost killed me. Some of us just have incredibly entitled parents who didn't do much for their own, but want to age in place with us at their beckon call while we balance families of our own and jobs. Oh and yes, they get super-anxious because they deep down know they are asking 100x more of than they did for their own parents even if they try to re-write history. It took my own serious health issue to finally prioritize my own health, my kids and my spouse. Mom barely talks to me now, but guess what? She finally accepted lots of hired help with all her $$$$ she tried to threaten me with.If they don't have tons of money, but are entitled and difficult, you find out what is offered through the council of aging. The people pleaser in me had to die, so I could literally still be alive. It's amazing how finally saying no over and over to my mother did more for my physical health than powerful medicines.

We gaslight women constantly when it comes to challenging elderly parents. The more manipulative people will say "I'm not telling you it's OK for them to take advantage/abuse/yell/demand, BUT......have some empathy/compassion/grace" You are trying to say be a good girl and just balance it all and when mommy screams just give her grace and know she is scared. If mommy calls you 20 times in a day, gently set boundaries with love over and over and when she doesn't accept them just know....your kids are watching/you will be old one day/God sees/just suck it up lady because society expects you to suck it up.

There are options for people at all income levels. They certainly can be far from ideal, but so is allowing an elder to take over your life. You figure out what you can handle based on your mental capacity and how they treat you and then you figure out what can be offered that does not involve you. You cannot force siblings to change their boundaries. You just figure out your own and you ignore all the noise of people trying to guilt/shame/manipulate/gaslight you into taking on too much until you crack and finally realize they don't care about you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, they kinda are competition for your time. I don't think you have to put up with rude behavior or give your parent what they want. But there's only so many hours in the day.

I think a lot of aging parents feel anxiety that their future needs will be more than their support people can willingly handle.

This. And I wish people generally would show more grace on this.

You do not need to tolerate rudeness or let the parents have what they want if you cannot or don't want to do so, or just can't do so. But, the anxiety of aging is very real. At over 50 and will a significant health scare behind me, and recognizing I prob only have 25-30 years ahead of me, and what that will look like, has started causing me a lot of anxiety (that I've never had before). I cannot imagine what it may be like for some elderly, esp if they are ill, lack finances, lack support.

One day many of you will be in the position of those you are complaining about. But remember, they were once teens, ballerinas, football players, nurses, mothers, sons and daughters. They were you. You're going to want compassion and empathy when the time comes.

Nope. I took on this way of thinking of having endless empathy and it literally almost killed me. Some of us just have incredibly entitled parents who didn't do much for their own, but want to age in place with us at their beckon call while we balance families of our own and jobs. Oh and yes, they get super-anxious because they deep down know they are asking 100x more of than they did for their own parents even if they try to re-write history. It took my own serious health issue to finally prioritize my own health, my kids and my spouse. Mom barely talks to me now, but guess what? She finally accepted lots of hired help with all her $$$$ she tried to threaten me with.If they don't have tons of money, but are entitled and difficult, you find out what is offered through the council of aging. The people pleaser in me had to die, so I could literally still be alive. It's amazing how finally saying no over and over to my mother did more for my physical health than powerful medicines.

We gaslight women constantly when it comes to challenging elderly parents. The more manipulative people will say "I'm not telling you it's OK for them to take advantage/abuse/yell/demand, BUT......have some empathy/compassion/grace" You are trying to say be a good girl and just balance it all and when mommy screams just give her grace and know she is scared. If mommy calls you 20 times in a day, gently set boundaries with love over and over and when she doesn't accept them just know....your kids are watching/you will be old one day/God sees/just suck it up lady because society expects you to suck it up.

There are options for people at all income levels. They certainly can be far from ideal, but so is allowing an elder to take over your life. You figure out what you can handle based on your mental capacity and how they treat you and then you figure out what can be offered that does not involve you. You cannot force siblings to change their boundaries. You just figure out your own and you ignore all the noise of people trying to guilt/shame/manipulate/gaslight you into taking on too much until you crack and finally realize they don't care about you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean, they kinda are competition for your time. I don't think you have to put up with rude behavior or give your parent what they want. But there's only so many hours in the day.

I think a lot of aging parents feel anxiety that their future needs will be more than their support people can willingly handle.

This. And I wish people generally would show more grace on this.

You do not need to tolerate rudeness or let the parents have what they want if you cannot or don't want to do so, or just can't do so. But, the anxiety of aging is very real. At over 50 and will a significant health scare behind me, and recognizing I prob only have 25-30 years ahead of me, and what that will look like, has started causing me a lot of anxiety (that I've never had before). I cannot imagine what it may be like for some elderly, esp if they are ill, lack finances, lack support.

One day many of you will be in the position of those you are complaining about. But remember, they were once teens, ballerinas, football players, nurses, mothers, sons and daughters. They were you. You're going to want compassion and empathy when the time comes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is similar. Comes to visit and wants to do shopping and lunches. Makes constant comments about how miserable I must be with the “crazy schedule” I have of kid activities. (Each kid does one extracurricular -neither of which is excessive.)
She’s not interested in spending much time with my kids aside from getting the obligatory cute grandkids pictures to share with her friend group.
I look at other people whose parents are involved and engaged grandparents and I just feel sad. I would have so much more time for her if she spent it with my family and my kids. We used to be so close but it’s hard to have a deep relationship with someone who isn’t interested in my kids at all or who subtly implies she resents them. I chalk it up to being a selfish boomer. Which is probably unfair.

This issue can go both ways. My MIl and SIL do not live locally but are very engaged and want to spend more time with our family and kids than we can handle. The expectations are exhausting. If we say no, we get guilt and the assumption we must not love or care about them. They have come up with ideals for how they want to spend their time with our kids and we are expected to deliver. It often becomes a dispute because we are not prioritizing their wants and emotional needs over our own. It’s hard to find balance.

Oh, how tragic for you to have involved families that want to help care for or be there for your kids. God, do you hear yourself?

That isn't what the post you quoted said.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is similar. Comes to visit and wants to do shopping and lunches. Makes constant comments about how miserable I must be with the “crazy schedule” I have of kid activities. (Each kid does one extracurricular -neither of which is excessive.)
She’s not interested in spending much time with my kids aside from getting the obligatory cute grandkids pictures to share with her friend group.
I look at other people whose parents are involved and engaged grandparents and I just feel sad. I would have so much more time for her if she spent it with my family and my kids. We used to be so close but it’s hard to have a deep relationship with someone who isn’t interested in my kids at all or who subtly implies she resents them. I chalk it up to being a selfish boomer. Which is probably unfair.

This issue can go both ways. My MIl and SIL do not live locally but are very engaged and want to spend more time with our family and kids than we can handle. The expectations are exhausting. If we say no, we get guilt and the assumption we must not love or care about them. They have come up with ideals for how they want to spend their time with our kids and we are expected to deliver. It often becomes a dispute because we are not prioritizing their wants and emotional needs over our own. It’s hard to find balance.

Oh, how tragic for you to have involved families that want to help care for or be there for your kids. God, do you hear yourself?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother is similar. Comes to visit and wants to do shopping and lunches. Makes constant comments about how miserable I must be with the “crazy schedule” I have of kid activities. (Each kid does one extracurricular -neither of which is excessive.)
She’s not interested in spending much time with my kids aside from getting the obligatory cute grandkids pictures to share with her friend group.
I look at other people whose parents are involved and engaged grandparents and I just feel sad. I would have so much more time for her if she spent it with my family and my kids. We used to be so close but it’s hard to have a deep relationship with someone who isn’t interested in my kids at all or who subtly implies she resents them. I chalk it up to being a selfish boomer. Which is probably unfair.

This issue can go both ways. My MIl and SIL do not live locally but are very engaged and want to spend more time with our family and kids than we can handle. The expectations are exhausting. If we say no, we get guilt and the assumption we must not love or care about them. They have come up with ideals for how they want to spend their time with our kids and we are expected to deliver. It often becomes a dispute because we are not prioritizing their wants and emotional needs over our own. It’s hard to find balance.

Anonymous wrote:I mean, they kinda are competition for your time. I don't think you have to put up with rude behavior or give your parent what they want. But there's only so many hours in the day.

I think a lot of aging parents feel anxiety that their future needs will be more than their support people can willingly handle.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:the older generation often made a lot of mistakes, at least in my case. As a senior in HS, I told my parents to sell our townhome and move to a cheaper area and a smaller apartment. they refused. every bit of advice--refused. now my mom is in a nursing home and I have to clean up their house that is in a reverse mortgage. fun times

oh and my kid was just diagnosed with autism and my siblings are nowhere to be found bc "they have their own issues".