Anonymous
07/11/2024 11:44
Subject: Narcissists who are very good at "therapy speak"
The weaponization of therapy speak by abusers is just too perfect. Sorry OP. If someone was spreading rumors about me being an alcoholic at work and THEN my emotional regulation in response, I would give them something real to be concerned about.
Anonymous
07/11/2024 11:44
Subject: Narcissists who are very good at "therapy speak"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You report them to HR for harassment and creating a hostile work environment. This has nothing to do with narcissism. It's harassment, pure and simple.
No HR and of the two people at the company that you would generally bring this kind of interpersonal issue to she is one of them and the other one is her close friend and roommate.
Then you find a new job. This place is toxic. I'm sorry.
You are probably right but I'm pretty sad about it.
NP. No, no, no, you don't have to get another job. I empathize with you that what she did is incredibly frustrating (my chest got tight just reading about it!), but the good news is, no one -- NO ONE -- cares as much as you do. Absolutely no one will give her comments another thought. Their impression of you will be based on their interactions with you. And if they don't interact with you, their opinions hardly matter anyway. If you gray-rock and offer zero drama, no one will have a bad impression of you.
OP here and I've been reading on grey-rocking and agree this is a good approach for triaging this situation especially since my immediate supervisor does not seem to be taking it seriously (either what this woman said about me or the fact that I am very bothered by it) and I have no HR to turn to.
But I don't think I can survive in a workplace like this. I do think this woman is an instigator and at the heart of a lot of the toxicity here but I am also bothered by the way people just seem to accept it and in some cases may play into it and participate (I'm not going to get into how I learned of what she'd been saying but that was unprofessional too -- people socialize a lot after work and there's a lot of drinking and I think many people here are both very gossipy and very indiscrete). I just don't want to have to deal with this kind of environment even if I do really love the actual work I do. Also I am not sure how the grey-rocking is going to go. I feel like I already get penalized here for not being as social as others are and I think being less emotive will just worsen that. But we'll see.
Anonymous
07/11/2024 11:39
Subject: Narcissists who are very good at "therapy speak"
Anonymous wrote:I’m direct so I’d speak specifically to what was said and I’d use therapy talk.
“It’s my understanding that you stated to colleagues that I have a problem with alcohol, did you say this?”.
Then id listen. If they said no then id say then im concerned that you’re being maligned as the statement was said to be made by you. As this defames my charachter I feel that its best to take it to HR because that kind of defamation makes me feel unsafe in my workplace, im so glad to hear that it wasn’t you- HR can deal with it from here”.
If they say yes id say “what basis did you have for believing this, and sharing your concerns with others without ever approaching me”.
Just let them talk. But man do liars hate to be called to the mat. Don’t take abuse laying down, Op, and I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
OP here and I basically did this but it was an infuriating conversation. She didn't deny it when I asked her about it but she immediately started flipping it around on me ("why do you think it bothers you so much? maybe there is some truth to it") and then she changed the subject in this weird way and started asking me other questions about how I felt I was fitting in and then she sort of apologized but it was like a backhanded apology ("I'm really sorry that you are taking my comments so out of context -- I really was just expressing my concern because I care about you") and then I was so frustrated that I got upset and that's when she made the comments about how I needed to work on my emotional regulation.
It was infuriating because she was calm and 100% in control of the entire conversation and I felt like I was on teh back foot and having to defend myself the entire time even though I had not done anything wrong. I just assume this is what it is like to interact with a narcissist because afterwards I really just felt like she'd lured me into this interaction and manipulated the whole thing to make me look and feel bad even though she is the one who unquestionably did something unprofessional an inappropriate (spread personal gossip that also happens to be untrue about a colleague).
Anonymous
07/11/2024 10:08
Subject: Narcissists who are very good at "therapy speak"
There is someone in my workplace like that. No one actually takes what she says seriously. She thinks they do because everyone just gray rocks her.
Anonymous
07/11/2024 10:06
Subject: Narcissists who are very good at "therapy speak"
Anonymous wrote:Is this the worst kind of person? I have someone like this in my life right now and it's infuriating because they *sound* self aware and even knowledgable about stuff like boundaries or not taking on other people's feelings but they manipulate everything to serve selfish purposes and then will condescendingly explain that things must be done as they say specifically because after all they are experts in human relationships and mental health.
Example: This person speculated to a number of friends and colleagues that I had an alcohol problem (based on literally nothing -- I rarely have more than one drink when I'm out because alcohol makes me tired) and when I confronted them about this later they used my upset about it to explain to me that I need to work on my "emotional regulation" and that it "seems like you struggle with criticism... probably because you need to work on self-compassion." But actually I was just justifiably irritated that someone I work with spread a false rumor about me to other people I work with that could damage my professional and social reputation.
I'd love to be able to say "oh no one believed them because they do this all the time" but they have other narc qualities like being very good at recruiting people to their point of view and surrounding themselves with approval-seekers who will support them in everything they do.
Anyway now I am doubly frustrated because this person is now gossiping about how I "flipped out" on them for "offering constructive criticism" (they didn't even bring their apparent concerns about my drinking to me -- I only found out about it later when others told me what was being said) and criticizing my "emotional regulation." And the thing is I know I had a big reaction to their behavior and it would have been better to play it cool and stay very calm but the reason I got upset is that what they did was such a majorly inappopriate and hurtful thing. Like it has real consequences for me if I get a reputation for being unstable or have alcohol issues at my job. So while I know I should have stayed really calm it also feels like their actions were designed to provoke an angry response specifically so when I got upset they could point at it and say "yes look how out of control she is."
Ugh how do you deal with someone like this.
Why do you have to deal with them at all?
This kind of thing ultimately reflects more poorly on them than any real risk to you.
Anonymous
07/11/2024 10:05
Subject: Narcissists who are very good at "therapy speak"
Do you work with this person or not?
Anonymous
07/11/2024 09:54
Subject: Narcissists who are very good at "therapy speak"
If it keeps up, tell her that you have shared this with your lawyer and if you hear of her spreading another falsehood you promise you will take legal action.
Anonymous
07/11/2024 09:37
Subject: Narcissists who are very good at "therapy speak"
Anonymous wrote:You report them to HR for harassment and creating a hostile work environment. This has nothing to do with narcissism. It's harassment, pure and simple.
This. It’s an HR issue. Do not interact with or socialize with the person and do not work with them.
Anonymous
07/10/2024 19:11
Subject: Narcissists who are very good at "therapy speak"
I’m direct so I’d speak specifically to what was said and I’d use therapy talk.
“It’s my understanding that you stated to colleagues that I have a problem with alcohol, did you say this?”.
Then id listen. If they said no then id say then im concerned that you’re being maligned as the statement was said to be made by you. As this defames my charachter I feel that its best to take it to HR because that kind of defamation makes me feel unsafe in my workplace, im so glad to hear that it wasn’t you- HR can deal with it from here”.
If they say yes id say “what basis did you have for believing this, and sharing your concerns with others without ever approaching me”.
Just let them talk. But man do liars hate to be called to the mat. Don’t take abuse laying down, Op, and I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
“It’s my understanding that you stated to colleagues that I have a problem with alcohol, did you say this?”.
Then id listen. If they said no then id say then im concerned that you’re being maligned as the statement was said to be made by you. As this defames my charachter I feel that its best to take it to HR because that kind of defamation makes me feel unsafe in my workplace, im so glad to hear that it wasn’t you- HR can deal with it from here”.
If they say yes id say “what basis did you have for believing this, and sharing your concerns with others without ever approaching me”.
Just let them talk. But man do liars hate to be called to the mat. Don’t take abuse laying down, Op, and I’m sorry you’re in this situation.
Anonymous
07/10/2024 19:00
Subject: Narcissists who are very good at "therapy speak"
Speculating that you have an alcohol problem, and doing it in the work place, could potentially be considered defamation. You might mention that the next time they go after you; maybe they'll decide to go after someone else.
Anonymous
07/10/2024 18:55
Subject: Narcissists who are very good at "therapy speak"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Gray rock them.
This. OP you need to read up on grey rocking - it is a way of politely responding to the narcissist so that you are very boring to them and they get their supply elsewhere.
Narcissists are energized by your emotion and thrive on drama. Don't give it to them. Set boundaries politely. Be prepared to use stock neutral non-responsive phrases.
+1
And in the workplace, I give people like this extra rope (spotlight) to hang themselves with. Works surprisingly well.
Can you give more detail how you “give them extra rope”?
Anonymous
07/10/2024 17:49
Subject: Narcissists who are very good at "therapy speak"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Gray rock them.
This. OP you need to read up on grey rocking - it is a way of politely responding to the narcissist so that you are very boring to them and they get their supply elsewhere.
Narcissists are energized by your emotion and thrive on drama. Don't give it to them. Set boundaries politely. Be prepared to use stock neutral non-responsive phrases.
+1
And in the workplace, I give people like this extra rope (spotlight) to hang themselves with. Works surprisingly well.
Anonymous
07/10/2024 17:27
Subject: Narcissists who are very good at "therapy speak"
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You report them to HR for harassment and creating a hostile work environment. This has nothing to do with narcissism. It's harassment, pure and simple.
No HR and of the two people at the company that you would generally bring this kind of interpersonal issue to she is one of them and the other one is her close friend and roommate.
Then you find a new job. This place is toxic. I'm sorry.
You are probably right but I'm pretty sad about it.
NP. No, no, no, you don't have to get another job. I empathize with you that what she did is incredibly frustrating (my chest got tight just reading about it!), but the good news is, no one -- NO ONE -- cares as much as you do. Absolutely no one will give her comments another thought. Their impression of you will be based on their interactions with you. And if they don't interact with you, their opinions hardly matter anyway. If you gray-rock and offer zero drama, no one will have a bad impression of you.
Anonymous
07/10/2024 15:59
Subject: Narcissists who are very good at "therapy speak"
Anonymous wrote:Gray rock them.
This. OP you need to read up on grey rocking - it is a way of politely responding to the narcissist so that you are very boring to them and they get their supply elsewhere.
Narcissists are energized by your emotion and thrive on drama. Don't give it to them. Set boundaries politely. Be prepared to use stock neutral non-responsive phrases.
Anonymous
07/10/2024 15:28
Subject: Re:Narcissists who are very good at "therapy speak"
Anonymous wrote:I had a friend who was a therapist and a narcissist and so she used this language. She was an awful person. In reality she doesn’t have a lot of friends but her Instagram therapy site has thousands of followers. I feel sorry for anyone who actually goes to her!
+1