Anonymous wrote:What phone?

+1

DC's iPhone charges in the kitchen and their MacBook charges in the living room every night.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Never. 14 and 16. I used to do screen time limits but honestly both of my kids socialize constantly in person so I don’t feel the need anymore for time limits and the bedtime limit they found a workaround and it just made for a fight.

I do natural consequences and taking the phone for every transgression that has nothing to do with the phone just makes no sense to me. I’ve also never seen it work and seems to make it worse.

So what consequences do you have instead? Especially for lying, sneaking out of house or sneaking into house to make out at 14? And when that behavior is then posted all over Snapchat?

Sounds like normal teen behavior - that’s not to say there shouldn’t be a punishment - and being glued to the phone isn’t the actual issue here. I’d just do a normal grounding with quick ability to earn freedoms back - but in the future, after some time has passed, think about whether there are some rule loosening needed. And spot check her phone usage rather than taking it.

In my experience it’s much better to have conversations as to why the behavior isn’t safe - and keep having those conversations. Allow a boy over under your eyes with some rules (making out? This isn’t a big deal, it’s unsafe sex you should worry about)- get to know him and her friends - make sure you have lines of communication open with the other kids parents.

I’ve never, ever, seen taking the phone work as a deterrent. It actually leads to less safe behaviors. They get a burner phone to use snap anyway, they sneak out anyway and then you have no ability to find them and they will NEVER call you when they find themselves in unsafe situations.

A kid with a desire to experiment isn’t easily contained - all the smug kid parents of cautious introvert think it’s their parenting so will give you bad advice but these are different kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think lying is pretty common for teenagers. Studies show that harshly punishing lies doesn’t stop the lying, it just makes them get better at lying. I’m a proponent of screen limits, phone lives downstairs at night, time limits on apps, etc. But I’ve rarely taken their phones away. They aren’t perfect, but I think we have struck a balance at home. I would try giving a little to her so she doesn’t feel controlled while still having limits. Sit down and have a rational conversation with her and literally write up a contract. Having it in writing will benefit you both.

I’ve also done all of that but my kid was still on her phone an average of 8 hours a day. I don’t know why I should consider that ok so I finally resorted to taking her phone away for part of the day.

I agree, it’s too much. But it’s also true that this is how teens socialize now. It’s an unfortunate but crucial part of this generation. I don’t think they should have complete access to their phones, but it’s definitely going to be a lot more than you and I think they should have.

Generations of kids did not have non-stop access to peers and peer-feedback. I know more families setting limits, and after initial resistance, their kids are typically relieved to not be on call. Non-stop peer exposure in group chats is rarely productive -avoid that set up, and your kid can sidestep a lot of drama.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think lying is pretty common for teenagers. Studies show that harshly punishing lies doesn’t stop the lying, it just makes them get better at lying. I’m a proponent of screen limits, phone lives downstairs at night, time limits on apps, etc. But I’ve rarely taken their phones away. They aren’t perfect, but I think we have struck a balance at home. I would try giving a little to her so she doesn’t feel controlled while still having limits. Sit down and have a rational conversation with her and literally write up a contract. Having it in writing will benefit you both.

I’ve also done all of that but my kid was still on her phone an average of 8 hours a day. I don’t know why I should consider that ok so I finally resorted to taking her phone away for part of the day.

We also do not treat the phone as something that can be accessed 24/7. Kids do not need to be in constant contact with peers. Phones are not allowed upstairs in our home, and they are turned off over night. Adults have a hard time managing phone use. Expecting a teenager whose brain is still forming to self-regulate the use of an addictive tool does not seem realistic. Agree with PP that, as parents, allowing 8 hours of use a day seems problematic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think lying is pretty common for teenagers. Studies show that harshly punishing lies doesn’t stop the lying, it just makes them get better at lying. I’m a proponent of screen limits, phone lives downstairs at night, time limits on apps, etc. But I’ve rarely taken their phones away. They aren’t perfect, but I think we have struck a balance at home. I would try giving a little to her so she doesn’t feel controlled while still having limits. Sit down and have a rational conversation with her and literally write up a contract. Having it in writing will benefit you both.

I’ve also done all of that but my kid was still on her phone an average of 8 hours a day. I don’t know why I should consider that ok so I finally resorted to taking her phone away for part of the day.

I agree, it’s too much. But it’s also true that this is how teens socialize now. It’s an unfortunate but crucial part of this generation. I don’t think they should have complete access to their phones, but it’s definitely going to be a lot more than you and I think they should have.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you taking the phone away? It’s Summer time. Let the kid be. What else is she supposed to be doing? I don’t and haven’t taken away my 17 years old phone ever.

OP. She's taking virtual PE therefore she needs to be working on that as it is a very time-consuming class, she has a Girl Scout project that needs to be completed this summer, and she's been slacking on her summer prep for next school year, and hasn't been reading as much. The phone is a distraction and she's addicted. She cares more about the phone than her family or activities.

At this age, you should have a planning meeting and let her map out how she’s going to get those things done and when. Talk to her about the phone being a distraction and let her propose solutions.

Anonymous wrote:I think lying is pretty common for teenagers. Studies show that harshly punishing lies doesn’t stop the lying, it just makes them get better at lying. I’m a proponent of screen limits, phone lives downstairs at night, time limits on apps, etc. But I’ve rarely taken their phones away. They aren’t perfect, but I think we have struck a balance at home. I would try giving a little to her so she doesn’t feel controlled while still having limits. Sit down and have a rational conversation with her and literally write up a contract. Having it in writing will benefit you both.

I’ve also done all of that but my kid was still on her phone an average of 8 hours a day. I don’t know why I should consider that ok so I finally resorted to taking her phone away for part of the day.

I think lying is pretty common for teenagers. Studies show that harshly punishing lies doesn’t stop the lying, it just makes them get better at lying. I’m a proponent of screen limits, phone lives downstairs at night, time limits on apps, etc. But I’ve rarely taken their phones away. They aren’t perfect, but I think we have struck a balance at home. I would try giving a little to her so she doesn’t feel controlled while still having limits. Sit down and have a rational conversation with her and literally write up a contract. Having it in writing will benefit you both.

Anonymous wrote:Never. 14 and 16. I used to do screen time limits but honestly both of my kids socialize constantly in person so I don’t feel the need anymore for time limits and the bedtime limit they found a workaround and it just made for a fight.

I do natural consequences and taking the phone for every transgression that has nothing to do with the phone just makes no sense to me. I’ve also never seen it work and seems to make it worse.

So what consequences do you have instead? Especially for lying, sneaking out of house or sneaking into house to make out at 14? And when that behavior is then posted all over Snapchat?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you taking the phone away? It’s Summer time. Let the kid be. What else is she supposed to be doing? I don’t and haven’t taken away my 17 years old phone ever.

OP. She's taking virtual PE therefore she needs to be working on that as it is a very time-consuming class, she has a Girl Scout project that needs to be completed this summer, and she's been slacking on her summer prep for next school year, and hasn't been reading as much. The phone is a distraction and she's addicted. She cares more about the phone than her family or activities.

Wtf? That’s optional.

Never. 14 and 16. I used to do screen time limits but honestly both of my kids socialize constantly in person so I don’t feel the need anymore for time limits and the bedtime limit they found a workaround and it just made for a fight.

I do natural consequences and taking the phone for every transgression that has nothing to do with the phone just makes no sense to me. I’ve also never seen it work and seems to make it worse.

They only lose their phones for phone related infractions. They have limited use of their phone and there are rules around phone use (that ease as they age). If they do not follow the rules or argue about amount of use…that’s when they lose the phones. Or for disrespectful use. No one’s phones are on during dinner. And we talk a lot about how phones can be a negative or problematic.

If she has an iPhone, spend the time to learn about the parental controls. You can control the phone from your own phone and limit usage. Also, make sure phone doesn’t stay in her room at night, we always have our sons phone charge in our room at night.

Reinforce how phones mess with sleep and concentration, and they are designed to be addictive. Taking away the evil phone is not a punishment. Change the routine a bit so she builds a better habit. It’s hard.