Anonymous
06/29/2024 17:18
Subject: I do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me
Anonymous wrote:Same op same. AND no I don't do things to get anything back but its really hard to notice being there for everyone in your life yet right now it's the lowest point of my life and no one is there for me at all. So now I feel like I'd rather be all alone than one sided relationships and that is where I'm at right now. I feel you it what I'm trying to say, it's freeing stepping back from these relationships. Perhaps take a step back and see how you feel.
Ditto. I am at rock bottom right now and have pulled back hard. I have a very few close friends, none local, and have circled the wagons, so to speak. I’ve been told over the years that I seem so capable and able to handle anything and that’s how people let themselves off the hook. When you receive more kindness from strangers than from people for whom you’ve bent over backward, you know it’s time to stop bending. And that’s what I’ve done.
I’m sorry you and OP are also feeling this way. It sucks.
Anonymous
06/29/2024 17:18
Subject: Re:I do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me
This happens to me a fair bit. I have pulled back from doing things for people that absolutely don’t deserve it. But I have also realized that helping people gives me a lot of satisfaction and I am very empathetic and compassionate. I have embraced those qualities and have made peace that not everyone is wired the same way.
Anonymous
06/29/2024 17:17
Subject: Re:I do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me
Anonymous wrote:That’s me. I’ve distanced myself in those situations from those people. Once I stopped working on one-way relationships, I found my circle got a lot smaller but more reliable when I did this. It’s worth it.
This is so true. Taking a step back allows you to see who steps forward.
Anonymous
06/29/2024 17:16
Subject: I do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP that's being labeled a taker.
OP (and others like her) don't know how to ask for what you want?
"Ask and you shall receive" has been a mantra in personal life and career. Others can't read your mind if you don't ask for it!
Dude, if I have to tell you give as well as take, you're a child. This sort of "well, you didn't specifically ask me to reciprocate, so you can't be mad that I never do" mentality is just more selfishness on your part. Did you have to ask for what you took/received from the people you're not giving back to? Probably not.
There are people in this world who pay attention to what needs doing and get it done, and then there are people like you who need to be asked to help.
Lazy, and selfish.
So you're just victim blaming? How ironic.
How does being a taker make YOU the victim?! Thieves aren't victims. They're perps.
+1000 seriously, PP stop derailing this thread with your 'alternate facts' and narcisism.
OP, been there, done that. I just take a mental tally of who reciprocates and if they don't, I'm not mad at them, but I don't go out of my way anymore. I learned that in one of my first jobs. I was always helping the same person who was a day late/dollar short/couldn't get their work done until the other coworkers asked me two questions 1) have you ever seen her NOT need help? 2) have you ever seen her help someone else. If both answers are 'no', put the person on your permanent 'do not help' list so you can help them independently learn better skills instead of being an inexhaustible time/resource suck.
Anonymous
06/29/2024 17:02
Subject: I do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me
Yes Op, you just stop doing it
Balance is more important
Balance is more important
Anonymous
06/29/2024 16:18
Subject: Re:I do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me
That’s me. I’ve distanced myself in those situations from those people. Once I stopped working on one-way relationships, I found my circle got a lot smaller but more reliable when I did this. It’s worth it.
Anonymous
06/29/2024 14:11
Subject: I do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate all of the responses. After reflecting and reading, I think I have a few issues.
1) I think I am closer to certain “friends” than I am. Example, I would rearrange my day and drive an hour to go to a friend’s event. However, when I have an event, they RSVP yes, but then don’t show up and never say anything about it, yet they still talk to me about other things. They aren’t dodging me. Clearly, they didn’t see it as that important to be there.
2) I have an internal issue where I sacrifice too much for others. It’s almost that I’ll do anything to keep a friendship or not disappoint a friend so that they don’t put me on the back burner. The things that I do for people is far beyond expectation, and when things don’t work out, or if they don’t do the same for me, I am disappointed. If I hadn’t been pressed from the beginning, I wouldn’t be disappointed in the end. Example - a friend wanted to go on a weekend getaway with me and was only available for a specific weekend. I rearranged so many things, paid extra money, and had to cancel another trip to make it happen. A few weeks before, my friend says she can no longer go for a very valid reason. If I had the same reason she had, I would’ve worked it out. She didn’t, and isn’t wrong for it. I am disappointed that it didn’t work out, but more disappointed that I did all of this extra work to make it happen, where I could’ve just said the weekend didn’t work for me in the beginning.
Some people are takers, and I think I’ve done a good job of ridding myself of those types of friends. I’m really beginning to think that I am the problem.
Yeah.. I think you need to explore the “people pleaser” in you and maybe some fears of abandonment or of being disliked. I would also suggest not going out of your way to rearrange so much for other people. Although I am generous and go out of my way for others, I also don’t break my back to accommodate everyone. Sometimes I have events and people ask me to change the time or rearrange something specifically for them, and if it’s not a big deal, then sure, I can be flexible. If it’s a pretty big inconvenience, or it impacts other people, then I have hard boundaries. There is kind of an art to balancing when to be generous and when to stay firm in your boundaries so you don’t get taken advantage of.
Anonymous
06/29/2024 13:59
Subject: I do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I appreciate all of the responses. After reflecting and reading, I think I have a few issues.
1) I think I am closer to certain “friends” than I am. Example, I would rearrange my day and drive an hour to go to a friend’s event. However, when I have an event, they RSVP yes, but then don’t show up and never say anything about it, yet they still talk to me about other things. They aren’t dodging me. Clearly, they didn’t see it as that important to be there.
2) I have an internal issue where I sacrifice too much for others. It’s almost that I’ll do anything to keep a friendship or not disappoint a friend so that they don’t put me on the back burner. The things that I do for people is far beyond expectation, and when things don’t work out, or if they don’t do the same for me, I am disappointed. If I hadn’t been pressed from the beginning, I wouldn’t be disappointed in the end. Example - a friend wanted to go on a weekend getaway with me and was only available for a specific weekend. I rearranged so many things, paid extra money, and had to cancel another trip to make it happen. A few weeks before, my friend says she can no longer go for a very valid reason. If I had the same reason she had, I would’ve worked it out. She didn’t, and isn’t wrong for it. I am disappointed that it didn’t work out, but more disappointed that I did all of this extra work to make it happen, where I could’ve just said the weekend didn’t work for me in the beginning.
Some people are takers, and I think I’ve done a good job of ridding myself of those types of friends. I’m really beginning to think that I am the problem.
I see. I understand why you feel disappointed. But you might try to accept that this doesn't mean they aren't your friends. They just have different priorities. Do you both have families with kids? Or not? Same financial situations? I found in my early married/kid life that if these things didn't match things happened like the above a lot. It just is what it is.
Anonymous
06/29/2024 13:57
Subject: I do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me
I think this is really contextual.
Are you saying you have friends who don't let you know when they have to cancel plans until the last minute, are always busy when you need a ride home from the airport, and who don't acknowledge your birthday when you always call or write them?
Or are you saying that you have friends who don't initiate vacations when you do and do all the planning and don't make big deal of your birthday when you did without them asking you to?
These are...different.
That said, my husband feels like this sometimes He is SO EXTRA and above and beyond with acts of service (planning, house projects, research, etc...) and when others (me) don't approach things the same way, he feels put upon. Which I find unreasonable and exhausting (which admittedly, if this is my biggest complaint, I'm a lucky woman). Is this what you mean?
Are you saying you have friends who don't let you know when they have to cancel plans until the last minute, are always busy when you need a ride home from the airport, and who don't acknowledge your birthday when you always call or write them?
Or are you saying that you have friends who don't initiate vacations when you do and do all the planning and don't make big deal of your birthday when you did without them asking you to?
These are...different.
That said, my husband feels like this sometimes He is SO EXTRA and above and beyond with acts of service (planning, house projects, research, etc...) and when others (me) don't approach things the same way, he feels put upon. Which I find unreasonable and exhausting (which admittedly, if this is my biggest complaint, I'm a lucky woman). Is this what you mean?
Anonymous
06/29/2024 13:52
Subject: I do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me
OP here. I appreciate all of the responses. After reflecting and reading, I think I have a few issues.
1) I think I am closer to certain “friends” than I am. Example, I would rearrange my day and drive an hour to go to a friend’s event. However, when I have an event, they RSVP yes, but then don’t show up and never say anything about it, yet they still talk to me about other things. They aren’t dodging me. Clearly, they didn’t see it as that important to be there.
2) I have an internal issue where I sacrifice too much for others. It’s almost that I’ll do anything to keep a friendship or not disappoint a friend so that they don’t put me on the back burner. The things that I do for people is far beyond expectation, and when things don’t work out, or if they don’t do the same for me, I am disappointed. If I hadn’t been pressed from the beginning, I wouldn’t be disappointed in the end. Example - a friend wanted to go on a weekend getaway with me and was only available for a specific weekend. I rearranged so many things, paid extra money, and had to cancel another trip to make it happen. A few weeks before, my friend says she can no longer go for a very valid reason. If I had the same reason she had, I would’ve worked it out. She didn’t, and isn’t wrong for it. I am disappointed that it didn’t work out, but more disappointed that I did all of this extra work to make it happen, where I could’ve just said the weekend didn’t work for me in the beginning.
Some people are takers, and I think I’ve done a good job of ridding myself of those types of friends. I’m really beginning to think that I am the problem.
1) I think I am closer to certain “friends” than I am. Example, I would rearrange my day and drive an hour to go to a friend’s event. However, when I have an event, they RSVP yes, but then don’t show up and never say anything about it, yet they still talk to me about other things. They aren’t dodging me. Clearly, they didn’t see it as that important to be there.
2) I have an internal issue where I sacrifice too much for others. It’s almost that I’ll do anything to keep a friendship or not disappoint a friend so that they don’t put me on the back burner. The things that I do for people is far beyond expectation, and when things don’t work out, or if they don’t do the same for me, I am disappointed. If I hadn’t been pressed from the beginning, I wouldn’t be disappointed in the end. Example - a friend wanted to go on a weekend getaway with me and was only available for a specific weekend. I rearranged so many things, paid extra money, and had to cancel another trip to make it happen. A few weeks before, my friend says she can no longer go for a very valid reason. If I had the same reason she had, I would’ve worked it out. She didn’t, and isn’t wrong for it. I am disappointed that it didn’t work out, but more disappointed that I did all of this extra work to make it happen, where I could’ve just said the weekend didn’t work for me in the beginning.
Some people are takers, and I think I’ve done a good job of ridding myself of those types of friends. I’m really beginning to think that I am the problem.
Anonymous
06/29/2024 12:50
Subject: Re:I do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me
Anonymous wrote:I’m a past member of this club!
I think it comes from thinking we are closer to a person they they think we are. In other words, we misjudge the closeness. Anxiety may also play a role.
In certain situations, too much kindness can be perceived as trying to please.
I recommend the book The Charisma Myth—just the part on kindness charisma and how it can be perceived in a bad way if we are overly kind.
I was going to say something like the bolded. When this has happened to me, I don't think the people who weren't reciprocating thought if themselves as the kind of friend who would help me out, even though I had helped them out in the past and in many cases they'd actually asked for my help. But if asked they would have said "oh we're not really that close." And they likely assumed I had closer friends who showed up for me.
I do think there is an element of people just being takers though. I've been surprised by people who would ask me to help them in sometimes pretty burdensome ways but then we're never available or interested in helping me when I asked. It's not a struct quid pro quo but when people NEVER reciprocate you start feeling used. And I'm just surprised that people feel comfortable doing that-- I'd feel really guilty if I tried to get away with that. But I guess not everyone thinks that way.
Anonymous
06/29/2024 12:01
Subject: Re:I do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me
It is hard to give advice without knowing this specific situation. If you are going through a really tough time and no one is there for you, you might need to ask for what you need more explicitly. People can’t read your mind.
Sure, there are givers, and there are takers, but it’s not that black-and-white. As other posters have mentioned, there are phases in life, and in some phases, you are more tuned in and have more time to help others. Of the people you are hoping will support you… did one of them just have a baby, is one of them going through divorce, a health scare, etc.? There are times when even the givers don’t have much of an emotional reserve left to give. Are they generally caring people who seem out of character, or are they generally selfish, self-centered people, so their behavior shouldn’t be a surprise?
If you are surrounded by takers, that’s unfortunate. It might be time to change your perspective, back off from trying to help them, and invest in other friendships and relationships with more like-minded people. I do understand this, I have several relatives who are takers. They have disappointed me time and time again, and although they’re still in my life, they’re not the people I count on.
If you are the type of giver who is also a martyr, invest in some self reflection, and whether your giving is really productive.
Sure, there are givers, and there are takers, but it’s not that black-and-white. As other posters have mentioned, there are phases in life, and in some phases, you are more tuned in and have more time to help others. Of the people you are hoping will support you… did one of them just have a baby, is one of them going through divorce, a health scare, etc.? There are times when even the givers don’t have much of an emotional reserve left to give. Are they generally caring people who seem out of character, or are they generally selfish, self-centered people, so their behavior shouldn’t be a surprise?
If you are surrounded by takers, that’s unfortunate. It might be time to change your perspective, back off from trying to help them, and invest in other friendships and relationships with more like-minded people. I do understand this, I have several relatives who are takers. They have disappointed me time and time again, and although they’re still in my life, they’re not the people I count on.
If you are the type of giver who is also a martyr, invest in some self reflection, and whether your giving is really productive.
Anonymous
06/29/2024 11:44
Subject: I do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me
I’m by nature a giver and very generous. The family I was raised in was also this way. I also know some incredibly generous people- they are rare. Now, if I go above and beyond for someone, there are a few reasons: 1. I genuinely want to and don’t expect anything except maybe a thank you. If someone can’t even give a thank you, I know I shouldn’t be investing much in that person. 2. Doing something above and beyond for someone else is a gesture of gratitude. 3. Mostly go above and beyond for my kids’ friends. Children don’t owe us anything and I am happy to host all the play dates, parties, etc, without anything in return because it makes my kids and their friends happy.
Anonymous
06/29/2024 11:42
Subject: I do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:That's because you're doing things transactionally and expect something in return. If you truly serve others you would never feel this way. And coincidentally, others will do more for you in return.
Stop being so selfish.
Found the taker right here.
Exactly!
Anonymous
06/29/2024 11:42
Subject: I do things for people that they wouldn’t do for me
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I'm the PP that's being labeled a taker.
OP (and others like her) don't know how to ask for what you want?
"Ask and you shall receive" has been a mantra in personal life and career. Others can't read your mind if you don't ask for it!
Dude, if I have to tell you give as well as take, you're a child. This sort of "well, you didn't specifically ask me to reciprocate, so you can't be mad that I never do" mentality is just more selfishness on your part. Did you have to ask for what you took/received from the people you're not giving back to? Probably not.
There are people in this world who pay attention to what needs doing and get it done, and then there are people like you who need to be asked to help.
Lazy, and selfish.
So you're just victim blaming? How ironic.
How does being a taker make YOU the victim?! Thieves aren't victims. They're perps.