DH and I were the original flippers - bought a very old, positively tiny 2 BR house as newlyweds. Had 2 babies and outgrew our house. Sold to a developer, made a significant profit that we used for a down payment/bargain on a larger, newer (but still old!) fixer upper. We’re still here almost 25 years later.

Immediately, MIL set about with suggestions; we should expand this room, remove this wall, renovate/replace/improve X, Y, Z. Even family gatherings she’d rattle off her new ideas for us.

All rooted in jealously, criticism and general mean-spiritedness. Never a compliment, never the thought that maybe we couldn’t afford to fill our house with all-new furniture not the idea that we had other priorities and certainly never an offer to pay for these things she deemed so important and essential.

We are just now getting around to major renovations but I still consider this our daydream house. Has its flaws and failings with aging (don’t we all) but it’s been a comfortable if not kind of sparse place to raise a family. We plan to do some renovations that we can enjoy for a few years and then sell.

Anonymous wrote:War of the Roses

Ha! 🥲

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes friends who are in a similar circumstance, commiserate. "I would never want to live outside the Beltway." "I would never want to send my child to -whatever- school." They commiserate about all kinds of things and are insync. When one person breaks the bond, it will be ok, if they were to say, "hey, as crazy as this sounds ...this is what we're going to do." What's not ok is if they don't own-up to it. If they ignore the disconnect and pretend they never had the previous discussions.

DP. Good point. Also, if you never let on that you were living below your means and commisserated with them about not being able to afford this or that, expect them to think you were a hypocrite and thus not want to share their financial struggles with you going forward.

Sometimes friends who are in a similar circumstance, commiserate. "I would never want to live outside the Beltway." "I would never want to send my child to -whatever- school." They commiserate about all kinds of things and are insync. When one person breaks the bond, it will be ok, if they were to say, "hey, as crazy as this sounds ...this is what we're going to do." What's not ok is if they don't own-up to it. If they ignore the disconnect and pretend they never had the previous discussions.

I think it depends on your family and social circle. If you have the nicest, biggest house then you will get comments and some people will feel that you would not want to be in their more modest home. That may result in less invitations to their home and the expectation that you will do most of the hosting, especially of family events. My BIL took pics of our house to show his family. I thought it was rude because I knew his family, although wealthy, did not believe in conspicious consumption and would make fun of us. Then there are those, from family/friends and landscapers to amateur interior decorators, who will critique everything you do inside and outside your house and suggest x and y improvements. The outlay can be endless unless you keep strictly to a budget. Will it change you? Probably not except perhaps make you more worried about money and keeping up with other people with similar homes.

Anonymous wrote:Am I the only one who worries about this?

What in tarnation are you nattering all on about now, trick?!

Catty, social climbing, hyper competitive Mom & pushover, nice enough Dad bought their first house and selected the most over-improved, flashiest house in the neighborhood. Couple attempted to renegotiate at settlement and threatened to walk away when their last minute counteroffer wasn’t accepted.

Moved in and immediately began throwing parties to show off their house. Only time there were no parties was when they took off on splashy vacations to big name places (Vail, Jackson Hole, Paris) and sometimes invited their friends. Joined the country club.

Then, abruptly the dream house went on the market. Couple oddly made a local move to a rental claiming they needed to downsize.

Husband went to federal prison for embezzlement.

Anonymous wrote:Some friends sold their "starter" home and moved to a larger, more expensive home nearby so no change in school, friends, church, or anything like that, but both the husband and wife said their family was happier in the smaller house. The wife ended up having an affair and they got divorced.

I hear random minor stories like this all the time. I think it’s usually because something was “missing” in the marriage or a particular partner’s life, they think “stuff” (a house, a car, a baby, a reno) will solve it, it doesn’t and then they are even more miserable and divorce.

Wherever you are, there you will be. And when the thing you thought would “make you happy” doesn’t, it’s traumatic for some people.

Some friends sold their "starter" home and moved to a larger, more expensive home nearby so no change in school, friends, church, or anything like that, but both the husband and wife said their family was happier in the smaller house. The wife ended up having an affair and they got divorced.

We found our "dream house" and I think sometimes people's reactions to it made me feel like I didn't like them anymore: friends from the city who said things like "I could never live in the burbs", a cousin who made a bit of a snarky remark about the house (her dh is from great wealth, they have a penthouse thanks to them). It wasn't the house per se but people making me feel bad about something we got on our own, an objectively nice house, the absolute best for our personal circumstances financially and logistically. And then to have people put it down as inferior just made me think wow, these are not nice people on my side. So I guess the relationships did get a bit ruined over the house!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please elaborate. I will admit to being midline curious as to what this means.

There’s quite a bit of back story, but we found a house that is my dream house (not DH’s but he accepts we can’t do his dream house because of some serious health issues I have). We’re negotiating the price and repairs right now and our realtor says we’re very close to a deal. The last couple of days I just feel like it’s making me more selfish and materialistic. Friends say it’s just the process, but I don’t know. I think it’s bringing out something in me that I don’t like.

Sounds like maybe you should have a heart to heart with your DH about whether you are being sensitive enough to his dream house loss. Is it possible you feel guilty because you should be compromising more? Or are you just not used to putting yourself first (which is totally ok sometimes)?

My mother. Their house is her dream home and she feels superior about it, but no one else cares and it's stuffy and uncomfortable how she decorates it, so she remains unpopular.

They won’t visit her beautiful home because ...

It's important to keep visiting the other friends - making an equal effort - to visit them at their homes. As a matter of fact, if it's you that moved away, initially, you probably need to make a slight greater effort. Just because you have the nicer place and are dying to host, you can not assume people will come to you more often. Good friends are equals (not materially) but equals, making an equal effort.

Multiple suspicious deaths…best piece of land next to NYC still abandoned.

My chef friend bought a 4 story building in nyc, opened an award winning restaurant on the ground floor, and made the apartment of their dreams on the top levels. She was able to raise 2 kids there because she was essentially a WFHP.

Her husband became insanely jealous of her career and tried to sabotage her professionally. When she diacovered the deceprion, they divorced.