Anonymous wrote:How on Earth does your father's affair (probably 30-40years ago at this point) affect you, a 50 year old adult?! Who cares!

Seriously. You sound like a narcissist OP

How on Earth does your father's affair (probably 30-40years ago at this point) affect you, a 50 year old adult?! Who cares!

OP I would be upset too. You are allowed to feel upset, angry or any feeling at all. The gaslighting on here and trying to make you feel bad for normal feelings is pathaological. Now, as someone mentioned there is a chance it's not true. Dementia does strange things to the mind. He may have dreamed about her or been attracted, or his mind may have made it up completely, or not. You are allowed to set boundaries. If he brings it up again you can firmly tell him to stop, which may agitate him. You can change subject. You make an excuse to leave or use the bathroom. You can visit him less if you need to. You figure out what works for you.

My parents have been divorced for about 40 years. My dad recently died. My mom has decided to fill me in on sexual details about their marriage. My mom often exaggerates so I don’t know whether all of it is true or not. I did tell her it was uncomfortable to hear some of the information and her response was “oh I always thought you were my best friend.” I try to change the subject when she starts but she then follows me around the house loudly reiterating the details. DC has heard some of the information. Mom lives with us so it’s a difficult situation.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe try to direct some of the rambling. Ask about what he remembers about high school. Ask if he remembers losing his first tooth.
Ask about his grandparents.

I wish I had asked more than I did.

DP
Why ?
Is this to learn more about your dad ?

Thanks, 18:47, but it came during a bunch of ramblings that were otherwise factual and the details seemed realistic, disturbingly so. I really wish it was not true, but it jives with some other information I heard long ago.

But it’s true that I won’t ever really know, and there’s probably lots more that I will never know. Thank you.

I did appreciate your post, 18:39. Thank you.

I also have compassion for my parents and I respect their many decades of marriage. They have stuck together through thick and thin. I know I don’t fully understand their relationship. But if you had asked me if there were infidelity issues I would have said absolutely not.

It's also possible that the affair exists only in his sadly demented mind. My maternal grandmother had dementia, and at one point she was convinced that my father (her son-in-law) was beating my mother (her daughter). Now, my father had his flaws, but beating his wife wasn't one of them. So I wouldn't make any assumptions one way or another about the truth of his story.

Hey, OP, a couple of us did post with empathy. Ignore the person who said stuff that hurt you. Choose to pay attention to the posts that did offer comfort.

I’m the one who found out my dad had an affair when he had dementia and was during. I wish it wasn’t in my head, I wish I didn’t know. But i have also learned to think of my mom and dad with compassion, and even some admiration that they struggled through. They loved each other with a passion I don’t have in my marriage. I wouldn’t want the turmoil they evidently had, but I do think the passion must have been something.

Look, we all know taking care of elders is extremely difficult and emotionally challenging. Here I, the OP, post something seeking support. And what I get instead is a lecture from someone who says “oh, that wouldn’t faze me” and “at your age, you really should’ve learned more about people and their frailties than to be surprised by this,” and people telling me not to turn it into a “catastrophe.”

Am I supposed to be grateful for all that?! I feel like the person here who recently got chided for briefly crying in the bathroom when seeing her mother with dementia. “Toughen up!” Jfc

It is upsetting to hear that one of your parents had a secret affair! It’s completely normal for an adult to be shocked and disturbed by this revelation! Some of you seem to think such a thing is “no big deal” but to me it absolutely is. If my spouse had a secret affair I’d be out the door. You may think that some moral superiority defense, but that is just how I feel about it. Because actually adult people can keep their pants on—it’s not that hard—and choosing to not do that is something I cannot abide.

I am not going do anything about this, will not investigate it further, will never mention it to relatives, will never even know if it really happened. It will not affect my devotion to my parents, or my care for them in anyway. I wish I could pretend it was all fake and dementia-created, as some have suggested, but I don’t think it was, I think it was real. And it’s hurtful. I guess the rest of you would not find it so but to me it is. I wish I did not know this.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It reflects the reality of his marriage to my mother because a secret infidelity is a horrible, horrible betrayal of trust and would’ve seen as such by my mother, who is still alive. I know no marriage is perfect but for me that’s a really poor reflection of someone’s character and a shameful thing to do. My parents certainly did not raise me to think that affairs were in any sense okay. And if my mother knew about an affair and stayed with him, I’d in truth lose some respect for her because that is some serious BS, no matter what era it is.

I do try to guide the rambling somewhat. Usually I’m ok with it and it’s mostly interesting

Is sad you still think like that at 50. You're only hurting yourself, OP, I hope you realize that.

It’s sad that you don’t. My goodness. NP.

It's possible that your mother already knows. Perhaps you are the last to know.

His ramblings may or may not be truths. Sometimes it is just ramblings.

Way to clear the room op

Anonymous wrote:^^ that was intended for 17:25, who apparently is perfect in every way

That's what you got out of that post? OK then.