Glasses they need. Particular glasses that are fashionable or expensive, they don't. They don't need that particular choice. Same with phone. Same with a winter coat. There were 2 times a year, Birthday and Christmas, when an upgrade to what they really prefer can go on A Wish List, as a gift.

Oh, that’s a good way of doing it. I’m stealing that

1st pp again. Fast forward to college. Again a coat. DS left for college provided w/a very nice costly winter coat of his choosing. He lost it. On our next drive to see him, I couldn't bare the thought of all of us touring his snowy, cold campus and him not wearing a coat. I stopped on the way and bought a coat for him at a Salvation Army. That's what felt right. I wasn't done providing but now a college student, it was going to be at a minimum. Some years have now passed and good news to all, he has managed to keep a coat.

Anonymous wrote:OP seems to care an awful lot more about her child's social life than about her child's ability to be responsible and keep track/take care of her valuable items. In my opinion, one of those things is more important than the other.

Actually, my impulse is to make my kid pay me back for all these totally unnecessary expenses and if it means they never get to hang out with their friends (or their friends are always paying for them and stop wanting to hang out) then tough. But that seems mean.

OP seems to care an awful lot more about her child's social life than about her child's ability to be responsible and keep track/take care of her valuable items. In my opinion, one of those things is more important than the other.

Anonymous wrote:What if it’s like, left their glasses on the floor at the bottom of the stairs where someone would obviously step on them? That’s at least a month of Saturday morning Starbucks with friends to replace with even the cheapest online frames, and something else will almost certainly be carelessly misplaced or destroyed before that’s paid back. I really don’t want to create a situation where my kid is constantly in debt to me, but I also don’t want to endlessly pay for things because they can’t take care of any stuff.

They can go to Starbucks the whole month without buying anything.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly I attack it from the other end. Everything has a place and that’s a topic for discussion. You get a new retainer, we talk about where the case will be stored. You get new AirPods (which you probably bought yourself), we talk about how you will carry them around so you won’t lose them. I hardly ever need to replace things due to loss or breakage. And when something does get lost or broken they don’t even ask me - they use their own money.

Everything has a place in my house too (glasses: your face or your nightstand) they just never put it there. “Oh, I just set it down for a second…”

Honestly I attack it from the other end. Everything has a place and that’s a topic for discussion. You get a new retainer, we talk about where the case will be stored. You get new AirPods (which you probably bought yourself), we talk about how you will carry them around so you won’t lose them. I hardly ever need to replace things due to loss or breakage. And when something does get lost or broken they don’t even ask me - they use their own money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I just need to give a bigger allowance. Replacing something you broke or lost through carelessness should hurt, but it should not preclude your social life for a month.

Why not?

DP,

One is because that's a consequence that's way out of proportion to what adults experience. Adults break and lose things too!

The other is because social lives are really important to kids and teenagers and help them learn and grow. Disrupting a kid's social life can be hard to undo, and can have long term impact.

I can maybe understand grounding a kid for a month for something intentional that's way outside our values, but it's a pretty harsh punishment for dropping an iPad or leaving your glasses where they'll get stepped on.

If an adult loses or breaks something they have to work to replace it, sometimes working overtime and missing time with friends or family. The magical fairy doesn’t just swoop in and do it for free. So it’s not out of proportion to what an adult experiences.

There are ways to require repayment without taking away a social life. The kid can still go to Starbucks but can’t get a drink. Or they can choose a free activity instead.

You can require they pay half or even 1/3 the first time it happens. You can also give them the opportunity to do extra chores to make extra money. Or put them on a payment plan and give them half their allowance and teach them about credit cards. 0% financing for 12 months, then they get hit with huge interest payments.

Say my kid gets $10/week. Replacing broken glasses, even the cheapest broken glasses, is then about a month and a half of income. A month and a half of my income (even my leftover income after necessities like mortgage, tuition, food, etc. which kids obviously don't have to cover) is a much much much larger amount of money; I would have to make an enormous mistake to cost myself that much! But breaking your glasses isn't an enormous mistake, it's a pretty normal (if annoying) kid thing.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I just need to give a bigger allowance. Replacing something you broke or lost through carelessness should hurt, but it should not preclude your social life for a month.

Why not?

DP,

One is because that's a consequence that's way out of proportion to what adults experience. Adults break and lose things too!

The other is because social lives are really important to kids and teenagers and help them learn and grow. Disrupting a kid's social life can be hard to undo, and can have long term impact.

I can maybe understand grounding a kid for a month for something intentional that's way outside our values, but it's a pretty harsh punishment for dropping an iPad or leaving your glasses where they'll get stepped on.

OP. Pretty much that. It's disproportionate -- my kid's stuff is much more expensive relative to my kid's income than mine is relative to my income! Losing a jacket, even a pretty cheap jacket, means losing weeks of work. It's like an hour of work for me. Plus I'm pretty sure that if my kid goes out with friends broke, even if their main adventure is going to the library, the friends will end up spotting for a snack or a treat because they get more allowance or their moms are more generous and I don't want to raise a moocher.

I think my conclusion here is that I need to be much less permissive about my belongings, because there's a good chance that anything that goes out of my sight will be lost or broken, and I need to increase the allowance more to cover things like lost library books, but in general I should pay to replace necessities with less-nice versions and not replace "wants" at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I just need to give a bigger allowance. Replacing something you broke or lost through carelessness should hurt, but it should not preclude your social life for a month.

Why not?

DP,

One is because that's a consequence that's way out of proportion to what adults experience. Adults break and lose things too!

The other is because social lives are really important to kids and teenagers and help them learn and grow. Disrupting a kid's social life can be hard to undo, and can have long term impact.

I can maybe understand grounding a kid for a month for something intentional that's way outside our values, but it's a pretty harsh punishment for dropping an iPad or leaving your glasses where they'll get stepped on.

If an adult loses or breaks something they have to work to replace it, sometimes working overtime and missing time with friends or family. The magical fairy doesn’t just swoop in and do it for free. So it’s not out of proportion to what an adult experiences.

There are ways to require repayment without taking away a social life. The kid can still go to Starbucks but can’t get a drink. Or they can choose a free activity instead.

You can require they pay half or even 1/3 the first time it happens. You can also give them the opportunity to do extra chores to make extra money. Or put them on a payment plan and give them half their allowance and teach them about credit cards. 0% financing for 12 months, then they get hit with huge interest payments.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I just need to give a bigger allowance. Replacing something you broke or lost through carelessness should hurt, but it should not preclude your social life for a month.

Why not?

DP,

One is because that's a consequence that's way out of proportion to what adults experience. Adults break and lose things too!

The other is because social lives are really important to kids and teenagers and help them learn and grow. Disrupting a kid's social life can be hard to undo, and can have long term impact.

I can maybe understand grounding a kid for a month for something intentional that's way outside our values, but it's a pretty harsh punishment for dropping an iPad or leaving your glasses where they'll get stepped on.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly very case by case but ultimately we go with a “we will replace it once - after that you are on your own”

AirPods being the biggest issue for us - we are on pair #5 - the original and replacement on us - the other two on them…the fifth they dropped while running inside because they thought they heard gunshots and we deemed that an extraordinary circumstance and replaced as they did the right thing in the moment

WTH. Just get them some ear buds on Amazon. No one should be replacing AirPods FIVE times, that’s insane

How do you handle a spouse or yourself when you lose or damage something?

My ADHD-inattentive teen tries hard, but accidents still happen.

If it's something he needs, like an invisalign tray, or a phone, or his keys, or a jacket, then I replace it. It might not be the most convenient, or the latest version, but I don't make him feel bad about it.

If it's something like air pods, he buys the replacement (he has a job, so he's usually got cash) or does without or puts it on his Christmas list.

My kid knows he loses things, so he doesn't ask for expensive things. He's pretty frugal and minimalist which helps organizationally as he can get overwhelmed by stuff.

I climbed into the school dumpster to go through the lunch trash bags and found my daughter's retainer in her brown bag.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I just need to give a bigger allowance. Replacing something you broke or lost through carelessness should hurt, but it should not preclude your social life for a month.

Why not?