Hurt people hurt people.

And, you can wallow and be resentful, or you can move along (and get therapy to help do so if you need it). Others are right, by being angry and resentful and blaming them for anything or everything, you are only hurting yourself

WOW! I guess the apple does not fall far from the tree! Your dad might be whatnot, but you sure are a narc.

Anonymous wrote:I feel this way about my mother. My father too, but he moved to a developing country and self-selected out of my life. My mother was emotionally neglectful, narcissistic, suicidal, punitive and cold growing up. My childhood was me being the parent and trying to meet her numerous emotional needs as a child, teen and now adult.

Recently, I found copies of many letters that she wrote to various people telling them what a problem, bad kid I was. This was a theme of hers. Something broke in me after reading them.

I am now stuck taking care of her, she is declining cognitively and I resent having to parent her again and having so much contact that I can't dictate. I do it, and am kind on the outside but on the inside I think I hate her. She was so destructive. It is some kind of mind f**k that I have to have so much interaction with her with no end in sight.

It's okay to feel everything you are feeling.

Wow, this must be excruciating. I’m sorry that you’re in this position. God bless you.

Anonymous wrote:Agree with the PP. This is normal when you grow up with a narc, BPD, alcoholic, you name it parent. For those of you saying the OP is out of line, be thankful you didn't have these parents.

They are one of these dysfunctional people getting triggered seeing the damage they caused their own child

Anonymous wrote:You are now emotionally neglecting them.

Go to therapy.

I feel bad for your parents. Do you think it was always a joy ride to raise you? They stuck around and did the work.

How would you like it if your kids are like you when you are close to death.

Sad family . (And they are not the whole problem, though I believe you that they are partly to blame). But it would help you to get therapy.

You can F right off with that. Parents chose to have their children.

Sorry-reposting with paragraphs

I agree with getting therapy, but don't let people guilt trip you that you are being emotionally neglectful having these feelings or that you will have so much remorse if they are suddenly diagnosed with cancer.

Mean-spirited people get cancer too and the rates of many are rising so many of us will get it. You don't want to live your life doing backflips because someone who caused you a lot of pain could get cancer or has cancer. I made the mistake of giving too much to a nasty parent at the expense of my own kids and I am still paying the price and trying to make up for that.

It's not an either or, but you figure out the pie chart that works for you. I wish I had given far less to this parent and much more to my kids and my husband and I have made adjustments accordingly.

My MIL was a terrible person. When she became ill it wasn't that suddenly all her kids felt terrible they didn't see her more. They had all gotten enough therapy that they knew what boundaries worked for them and they kept them. In illness she just became even worse and wanted to manipulate the one neighbor who was still nice to her into doing more for her-making more free meals and doing more care-giving and she was livid her kids wouldn't go try to guilt trip the neighbor and instead hired a nurse to check on her and regular aide. She had it all down to a science-told them exactly what buttons to push to make this well-meaning woman her personal slave. Nope. When she passed away I noticed over time with my husband and sister in laws they aged backwards and they hadn't even been that involved with her. The inner voice that tormented them and had been installed by her died with her and there was a new freedom.
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Anonymous wrote:Heart goes out to you OP and here's my 2 cents.

Get to counseling/therapy NOW. A friend had those same thoughts/feelings, that her Mom was neglectful and never expressed love the way she thought a parent should, etc...then her Mom was diagnosed with cancer and passed away in a few months. The devastation she felt surprised and almost broke her....you're going to have to deal with your resentment, best to do it now...unfortunately your parents are in no condition to get emotionally/mentally "better", nor can they erase what was done in the past.

The upside is there is a way to love/honor them AS THEY ARE for their remaining time here on this earth, you may not think so at this very moment, but you'll be glad you did.

I agree with getting therapy, but don't let people guilt trip you that you are being emotionally neglectful having these feelings or that you will have so much remorse if they are suddenly diagnosed with cancer. Mean-spirited people get cancer too and the rates of many are rising so many of us will get it. I made the mistake of giving too much to a nasty parent at the expense of my own kids and I am still paying the price and trying to make up for that. It's not an either or, but you figure out the pie chart that works for you. I wish I had given far less to this parent and much more to my kids and my husband and I have made adjustments accordingly. My MIL was a terrible person. When she became ill it wasn't that suddenly all her kids felt terrible they didn't see her more. They had all gotten enough therapy that they knew what boundaries worked for them and they kept them. In illness she just became even worse and wanted to manipulate the one neighbor who was still nice to her into doing more for her-making more free meals and doing more care-giving and she was livid her kids wouldn't go try to guilt trip the neighbor and instead hired a nurse to check on her and regular aide. She had it all down to a science-told them exactly what buttons to push to make this well-meaning woman her personal slave. Nope. When she passed away I noticed over time with my husband and sister in laws they aged backwards and they hadn't even been that involved with her. The inner voice that tormented them and had been installed by her died with her and there was a new freedom.

My parents had a rule, and I loved my parents and they loved us, NO guests stay overnight for more than 3 nights, ideally less.

If there is a long stay in the area, they go to a hotel for other days. And if it's the entire time, that works too. Works for everyone.

I'd feel that way about anyone staying nearly a week in my home!! My guest room is often occupied with family or friends but by night 3 I'm chafing. I'm very happy to host a 2 night stay

The best thing for me was to move past anger and just get to where I don’t care that much. I can see my dad for very limited amounts of time a few times a year. He will tell the same stories where he is always the hero over and over. He won’t care one bit about anything going on in anyone else’s life.

Allegedly he has now been sober for six plus months, and I just don’t care. It is better for the world if he isn’t drinking and driving, but I don’t care if he drinks himself to death tomorrow or not.

I certainly won’t do any real caretaking for him — and neither will my sisters. But, one sister and I have enough money to keep him from being homeless (although he has plenty of money so we doubt it will come up).

Now, when he actually dies —
Who knows? Maybe I will be sad. But he was never really a dad. I bet he could not tell one childhood story about me. My guess is it would be more the sadness/strangeness of not having either parent alive. Not some mourning for him as the person he was.

Agree with the PP. This is normal when you grow up with a narc, BPD, alcoholic, you name it parent. For those of you saying the OP is out of line, be thankful you didn't have these parents.

OP DO NOT FEEL bad you are totally entitled to your feeling and you shouldn't beat yourself about how you are really feeling. Just don't act on it, take it out on them. They are just visiting so they will leave soon. Hang in there. And yes I feel the same way, my mother was a terrible mother, still is and when you see them for what they are it's hard to go back to the "ideal" of them the same light you used to see them in. This is normal.

There is not necessarily a way to love and honor your parents as they are now, or as they were in the past. You don't need to set that as a goal for therapy. Go to therapy for you, to help you find the peace you need and to set the boundaries you need to set for yourself. But some parents are just terrible parents and terrible people, and there is no obligation to "fix" yourself so you can love and honor them as they are.

Heart goes out to you OP and here's my 2 cents.

Get to counseling/therapy NOW. A friend had those same thoughts/feelings, that her Mom was neglectful and never expressed love the way she thought a parent should, etc...then her Mom was diagnosed with cancer and passed away in a few months. The devastation she felt surprised and almost broke her....you're going to have to deal with your resentment, best to do it now...unfortunately your parents are in no condition to get emotionally/mentally "better", nor can they erase what was done in the past.

The upside is there is a way to love/honor them AS THEY ARE for their remaining time here on this earth, you may not think so at this very moment, but you'll be glad you did.

OP, none of your thought are healthy. WHY?? aren't they staying in a hotel?? Every relationship can be managed WHEN you find the right amount of time together/not together. You start with The Hotel.