People change over time: I feel lucky that DH and I have changed in ways that brought us closer together / help us have shared views on important things. We're better spouses now than when we first married. I have friends who married people who were good partners at the time but who changed (and sometimes what my friends prioritized changed too) and unluckily they are no longer good partners for each other.

But beyond that, I think it's a combo of being choosy at the start, and then once you're in, choosing to really work at the partnership and expect the same work of your partner.

Anonymous wrote:A certain % will die, become disabled, have mental illness, have a mid life crisis, become under employed, be terrible parent, unable to manage kids, unable to keep up with house

Most of that is unpredictable .

My spouse checks a few of those boxes (mental illness, underemployed, and unable to keep up with house) and yet I still consider them to be a good spouse. (Great spouse actually!)

Maybe some of you with “bad” spouses have standards that are too high, or perhaps you prioritize the wrong things?

Anonymous wrote:I picked a guy who treats me like my dad treats my mom. They’ve been happily married for 50 years. Same with my husband’s parents. We just had good examples.

But how do you attract a guy like this?

What if all you attract are jerks?

I feel like I lucked into it. I was 22 when we met and definitely didn't care at all about things like what kind of dad he would be. Turns out he's the best dad, and super healthy emotionally, has a lot of other male friendships, respects my career at least as much as his own (and sometimes more). I honestly don't know how I pulled it off sometimes tbh. My own parents were a sh.t show.

I picked a guy who treats me like my dad treats my mom. They’ve been happily married for 50 years. Same with my husband’s parents. We just had good examples.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's some luck to it, but luck does not account for emotional maturity, healthy self esteem and confidence, the wisdom to know what red flags to look out for, discern dysfunction and avoid pitfalls, and lots of hard work.

This. The people who say it's all luck discount everything that is done to build a strong marriage.

+1
I don't believe it's luck at all. I wake up every day and choose to be a good partner, and my DH does the same.

That’s great but the question is are you lucky or not that you married someone who IS that way? Who don’t merely say they are this and that, but do it every day.?.

Anonymous wrote:there a science behind it?

Lots of luck.

Maybe if you knew their family tree and nothing genetic was hidden that would help.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's some luck to it, but luck does not account for emotional maturity, healthy self esteem and confidence, the wisdom to know what red flags to look out for, discern dysfunction and avoid pitfalls, and lots of hard work.

This. The people who say it's all luck discount everything that is done to build a strong marriage.

+1
I don't believe it's luck at all. I wake up every day and choose to be a good partner, and my DH does the same.

I had a boyfriend who treated me poorly when I was a teen. He made me feel bad about myself and he cheated on me.

This made me have much higher standards dating going forward. I never dated guys who had red flags or treated me even slightly badly.

People often say I got lucky with Dh. I don’t think it was luck. I always knew he would be a great dad and he is.

Anonymous wrote:There's some luck to it, but luck does not account for emotional maturity, healthy self esteem and confidence, the wisdom to know what red flags to look out for, discern dysfunction and avoid pitfalls, and lots of hard work.

This. The people who say it's all luck discount everything that is done to build a strong marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't think of any marriages I've observed where BOTH partners are good partners. So...I'm not sure what that says. Maybe that one common facet of being in a "happy" marriage is not having enough self-respect or confidence to demand better treatment?

I don't mean this cruelly, but maybe you know the wrong people and need a better crop? I know a lot of married couples where I think both partners are good partners. Siblings, cousins, close friends, close coworkers. Obviously I don't know the absolute inner workings of a marriage that I'm not in, but I'm judging by things like how they talk to each other and about each other. How they handle doing things for each other - if they're annoyed or happy to do it, etc.

Same, most marriages around me are great even though imperfect and went though some growing pains.

Anonymous wrote:I can't think of any marriages I've observed where BOTH partners are good partners. So...I'm not sure what that says. Maybe that one common facet of being in a "happy" marriage is not having enough self-respect or confidence to demand better treatment?

I don't mean this cruelly, but maybe you know the wrong people and need a better crop? I know a lot of married couples where I think both partners are good partners. Siblings, cousins, close friends, close coworkers. Obviously I don't know the absolute inner workings of a marriage that I'm not in, but I'm judging by things like how they talk to each other and about each other. How they handle doing things for each other - if they're annoyed or happy to do it, etc.

My combination of factors:

--I wasn't looking for marriage, but I fell for a good guy
--I had a terrible relationship in college and wanted the exact opposite (a drama-free person)
--I think over the years we both "grew up" together, so kind of matured in a similar way, rather than being two adults who have to really compromise or readjust to another person
--We both tend to give each other the benefit of the doubt and overlook the small stuff, and we give each other a lot of space

1/3 luck, meeting someone you're compatible with is not a given

1/3 your own behavior as a spouse, as others have said, being a good spouse who's putting all the necessary effort, not scorekeeping etc is a critical component

1/3 choices you make ie not looking over red flags, not allowing yourself to be treated poorly etc

Factors that can really make a difference in the context of the above three:
1) general personality
2) conflict management skills
3) communication skills
4) how badly you freak out when you become a parent
5) random life catastrophes

I knew what I needed to know almost right away with my DH. I knew he was a good man based on how he treated our colleagues (we are lawyers and met at work) and his friends with kindness, generosity, and an inclination to always give the benefit of the doubt. I knew he was very attractive. I knew he was hyper-competent (there is nothing he can't fix or deal with and nothing freaks him out). And I knew he was devoted to me.

So I knew pretty early on this was a man to go through life with. I'd had a lot of other great boyfriends, but none of them were as happy, giving and stable as my DH. He makes a great partner -- but that was apparent right away. You have to be careful about who you pick. I was madly in love with some very attractive, brilliant, successful and even sweet men who would not have made such perfect life partners. And I'm glad I didn't settle with any of them.