Anonymous
Post 06/05/2024 06:37     Subject: Endless therapy
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We have been doing couple and individual therapy and they behave been helpful. However DW I believe has developed some sort of obsession with therapy. The smallest disagreement or dispute it's let's go to therapy. It is starting to feel like a subscription to be honest. The latest event was us disagreeing about where we should go for our next vacation and she got upset during the discussion and you guessed it yet another therapy session. We have been married 12 years and it's always therapy therapy therapy...I have reached the point where the hearing the word from her stresses the hell out of me.....

Is therapy supposed to be like a subscription in perpetuity?


This is something you should discuss together in therapy. All of it. Therapy doesn’t “work” if you don’t bring your real thoughts and feelings. A few issues I see from what you wrote:

1) you say you yes her to death to avoid conflict; this is a YOU problem. If you have a therapist he or she will tell you that’s not a way to have authentic communication, boundaries, or conflict resolution. You need to learn how to talk to your wife about what matters to YOU.

2) clearly it matters to you that she wants to go to therapy. Buddy, open your mouth and say so in therapy. Talk with the therapist about how this makes you feel. Talk with your wife. Find out how she feels. Learn how to talk with her about her feelings.

3) You mention constant negativity. That’s something you should bring up in therapy. Maybe your wife needs more support, or maybe she’s going through something and needs medical care — like meds. You need to open your mouth and tell her how her chronic disregulation makes you feel. The therapist is there to help you learn how to communicate to her and for you to be heard.

You sound like you don’t understand that it takes two to tango. You not being able to express yourself and get through to her is an issue that a therapist should be able to help you fix or address in the sense of really facing.


+1
The therapy session is supposed to teach you how to get through conflict. So what happens in these sessions? Does she talk about how she is upset or are they working sessions where you actually work through the problem and are practicing how to discuss for the future.

I used to ask for therapy because our discussions were not productive. They had a pattern. I would bring something up, my DH would say something to put me down to create a situation where he was the expert “you don’t know what you are doing…you don’t understand…etc.” and then take his position. I would get defensive and reiterate my position. He would bring something up from the past to show that I was wrong then so I must be wrong now (remember 20 years ago…). I would react negatively and hold my position without compromise. Then he would go personal. Every time. We could never break those patterns and sometimes I would dig in early without the put down anticipating it.

Needless to say, any big issue I would want to take to therapy because we never got through them…hence divorce in the end. So why is she asking for therapy? Is it so she can win or is it because you have a pattern that you haven’t learned to break yet?

Anonymous
Post 06/05/2024 06:25     Subject: Endless therapy
Anonymous wrote:We have been doing couple and individual therapy and they behave been helpful. However DW I believe has developed some sort of obsession with therapy. The smallest disagreement or dispute it's let's go to therapy. It is starting to feel like a subscription to be honest. The latest event was us disagreeing about where we should go for our next vacation and she got upset during the discussion and you guessed it yet another therapy session. We have been married 12 years and it's always therapy therapy therapy...I have reached the point where the hearing the word from her stresses the hell out of me.....

Is therapy supposed to be like a subscription in perpetuity?


This is something you should discuss together in therapy. All of it. Therapy doesn’t “work” if you don’t bring your real thoughts and feelings. A few issues I see from what you wrote:

1) you say you yes her to death to avoid conflict; this is a YOU problem. If you have a therapist he or she will tell you that’s not a way to have authentic communication, boundaries, or conflict resolution. You need to learn how to talk to your wife about what matters to YOU.

2) clearly it matters to you that she wants to go to therapy. Buddy, open your mouth and say so in therapy. Talk with the therapist about how this makes you feel. Talk with your wife. Find out how she feels. Learn how to talk with her about her feelings.

3) You mention constant negativity. That’s something you should bring up in therapy. Maybe your wife needs more support, or maybe she’s going through something and needs medical care — like meds. You need to open your mouth and tell her how her chronic disregulation makes you feel. The therapist is there to help you learn how to communicate to her and for you to be heard.

You sound like you don’t understand that it takes two to tango. You not being able to express yourself and get through to her is an issue that a therapist should be able to help you fix or address in the sense of really facing.
Anonymous
Post 06/05/2024 05:57     Subject: Re:Endless therapy
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You haven’t learned how to handle disagreements.

Get a new therapist and learn. Are you just like”I’m too smart for this” and continuing to repeat bad behavior?


YOU have to do the work, the therapist cannot do it for you. It’s truly that simple.


Some people are not wired for couples therapy. I was one of those people. When I was ready for change, I changed — a lot. I didn’t like it driven by my spouse. I did individual for a bit and that felt like I was in the drivers seat. I could think about what the person said, and not my spouse

Sometimes the relationship is NOT the most important thing! That was the best thing I learned.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2024 20:38     Subject: Endless therapy
You decide when to stop
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2024 20:10     Subject: Endless therapy
Anonymous wrote:I’m a therapist and I try to get rid of my couples as soon as I can (meaning they don’t need me anymore and are doing well). Couples work is exhausting and while it’s rewarding I’m not trying to see my couples longer than needed.


Excellent, and I agree as a patient and customer.

The only exception I’ve run into is that when my Spouse, with an HFA Dx, was having individual therapy with me looped in once a month (and yes to “hash out” some of that months disagreements or arguments or hanging chads), it because clear that he was not practicing any of the things the PhD doctor was recommending. He’d agree to do it, and then not do it.

On one three way zoom session I brought this up and said this isn’t working how shall we proceed. $240 for 50 minutes is a waste of time and money given he is not doing the little things he agreed to do. Ie. It habitualizing the targeted behaviors.

The psychologist agreed nothing was improving, she’d leave it up to us to quit or we could continue and her objective would shift to keeping him calm and less argumentative. He did that a couple times, mainly complain about me, and then he quit anyhow.

She saw right through him. But happily would keep our $1k a month with zero breakthroughs.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2024 20:09     Subject: Endless therapy
Ask the therapist.

If they say you're good to drop the visits, listen to them.

If they say you need to keep coming, ask them for specific reasons. If they give specific reasons, and they are agreeable to you, keep going.

If they won't give reasons, leave immediately and report them to everyone from the state, professional organizations and the Better Business Bureau, because they're frauds.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2024 20:03     Subject: Endless therapy
Anonymous wrote:She knows you don't want to go to more therapy. You can either let her have her way in a disagreement or she's going to drag you back to therapy. If you don't go to therapy you will be accused of giving up on the marriage.


Huh? Sounds like they need to get going on planning and booking and deciding on something, a vacation.
If the only way to do that is with therapist help, so be it.

You think their comms are going to instantly and magically improve when divorced? Hopefully they don’t have kids or run a business together.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2024 20:02     Subject: Re:Endless therapy
Anonymous wrote:You haven’t learned how to handle disagreements.

Get a new therapist and learn. Are you just like”I’m too smart for this” and continuing to repeat bad behavior?


YOU have to do the work, the therapist cannot do it for you. It’s truly that simple.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2024 19:58     Subject: Endless therapy
Anonymous wrote:I thought therapy was supposed to give you the tools to work through your disagreements. Your therapist may not be effective if you need to go through them all the time.


And some people are helpless and don’t put the effort forth and apply the communication tools.

Hence need a therapist to play referee Mommy.

Anonymous
Post 06/04/2024 19:57     Subject: Endless therapy
Anonymous wrote:We have been doing couple and individual therapy and they behave been helpful. However DW I believe has developed some sort of obsession with therapy. The smallest disagreement or dispute it's let's go to therapy. It is starting to feel like a subscription to be honest. The latest event was us disagreeing about where we should go for our next vacation and she got upset during the discussion and you guessed it yet another therapy session. We have been married 12 years and it's always therapy therapy therapy...I have reached the point where the hearing the word from her stresses the hell out of me.....

Is therapy supposed to be like a subscription in perpetuity?


Is this a joke?

Yes, keep going to therapy to resolve conflicts, make joint decisions, and have fair discussions.

Clearly she has seen enough of what happens when you have a “discussion” without a third party therapist there. And you know it.

Anonymous
Post 06/04/2024 18:52     Subject: Endless therapy
People often get the idea that because their spouse has not reached the conclusion that THEY would like, the therapy must not be working.

The result of therapy may still be that you disagree or don't get along.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2024 18:51     Subject: Endless therapy
DW does not understand therapy.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2024 18:46     Subject: Endless therapy
I’m going to be honest- when our therapist told us we didn’t need couples therapy anymore I was worried. It felt like even though we had communicated about a lot of things, we still didn’t really have a path forward. She thought things seemed fine. Sometimes we still see her when there is a big issue. But I still feel like DH doesn’t listen to me and is intransigent.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2024 18:31     Subject: Endless therapy
Anonymous wrote:We have been doing couple and individual therapy and they behave been helpful. However DW I believe has developed some sort of obsession with therapy. The smallest disagreement or dispute it's let's go to therapy. It is starting to feel like a subscription to be honest. The latest event was us disagreeing about where we should go for our next vacation and she got upset during the discussion and you guessed it yet another therapy session. We have been married 12 years and it's always therapy therapy therapy...I have reached the point where the hearing the word from her stresses the hell out of me.....

Is therapy supposed to be like a subscription in perpetuity?


No. Therapy can be interesting or useful for some people.

Quite a bit of it is pure nonsense, but is helpful because it makes two people sit down and talk, but it should not be endless.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2024 17:58     Subject: Endless therapy
Middle age is hard. Women get cranky. Just do something different, okay?!