Anonymous
Post 06/15/2024 19:05     Subject: borderline personality disorder mom (undiagnosed) in nursing home?
NPD mom in assisted living, with two stretches in rehab, which have been our taste of what skilled care will be like if she gets to that point. She was miserable, expected immediate attention from the aides for every small need (adjust my pillow, I need more ice in my drink, where’s my lipstick?) and called my brother and me constantly to return whenever we weren’t there to attend to those kinds of things for her. And she was awful to the staff, which led to the vicious cycle of them putting her off or ignoring her. The staff at her AL do a great job (most of them) and make her feel like an VIP even when she’s being nasty and difficult. I don’t know how they do it, but I’m grateful.
Anonymous
Post 06/04/2024 20:16     Subject: borderline personality disorder mom (undiagnosed) in nursing home?
Anonymous wrote:OP, the experience with my mom has been that she vacillates between being angry at us and teary and apologetic. It's not that I think she actually thinks she has been wrong.

At the end of the day, BPD or not, she is in need of care and 24/7 monitoring.


+1. DOes not matter if she is mean or not. Even if she was the sweetest mom on earth, she needs the care
Anonymous
Post 06/03/2024 09:43     Subject: borderline personality disorder mom (undiagnosed) in nursing home?
OP, the experience with my mom has been that she vacillates between being angry at us and teary and apologetic. It's not that I think she actually thinks she has been wrong.

At the end of the day, BPD or not, she is in need of care and 24/7 monitoring.
Anonymous
Post 06/01/2024 12:54     Subject: Re:borderline personality disorder mom (undiagnosed) in nursing home?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I didn't understand that my mom was probably BPD until after she died and then a few years after that. A therapist I had a long time ago mentioned in passing, but I didn't really pay much heed to it, largely because my family life was so different than what my life had become that I chalked the situation more up to that then to possible BPD.

Now I am more aware. My mom had some different challenges and this clearly was another. I'm still able to have compassion even though all us kids and our dad were harmed in many ways. If she had been older, if my parents had been much better off, perhaps she would have sought treatment. But none of that happened and here I am with my own demons.

That said, she did largely fine in the nursing home. The staff were attuned to who would set her off and they arranged meal seatings accordingly. And she wasn't the only one who had a short trigger with some other residents. There were some bothered by her and at least one who tried to pinch stuff from her room.

TBH, I think nursing home staff see a lot of this and, ideally, they are able to handle, redirect, etc. The staff in my mom's wing were very good. My mom wasn't their easiest resident but she wasn't the most difficult and when she was with it, she was probably quick, funny, and appreciative of their efforts.


Thank you, this was very helpful to read. And good point---my mom can definitely be funny when she wants to be. I keep hearing about how "cute" she is.


You're welcome. Frankly I found it helpful to commit to paper.

I do appreciate that some staff look to see and appreciate the positive attributes in the residents. Those jobs are very hard and can imagine the BS from residents can be tiring, so I was glad to know that my mom wasn't always checked out or on a rager.

GL with your mom!
Anonymous
Post 06/01/2024 12:49     Subject: borderline personality disorder mom (undiagnosed) in nursing home?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the subject matter.

If there's no diagnosis, WTAF are you doing labeling her in this way? Are you a clinician?


Oh, please. Borderlines rarely think they are a problem or have a problem so they rarely get diagnosed.

My mom has many borderline traits but has never been diagnosed because she would not go to a psychiatrist.

OP-

I finally got my mom to a psychiatrist and got her on meds. I don’t think the tested her for borderlines but they ruled out Alzheimer’s and diagnosed her with major depressive disorder. The meds are a godsend.

Sadly, my sibling is now like my mom was so I get no real relief and people wonder why I am not completely messed up dealing with all the verbal abuse.

DP



I get it. My sister is a replica of my mom though my sister thinks she is oh so independent and hates my mom. It's ridiculous.


I don't think my MiL is necessarily BPD, but she is very self-involved and has a hard time participating in conversations that are not about her. She will insist on us listening to stories that she has told us over and over. Even her grandkids gently chide her that they've heard them.

SiL is very focused on this behavior yet is a replica and, if anything, she may be worse. While she is more deft, all conversations eventually lead back to her with a stunning lack of awareness that her insights are not really that novel or insightful.
Anonymous
Post 06/01/2024 11:29     Subject: borderline personality disorder mom (undiagnosed) in nursing home?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I don't understand the subject matter.

If there's no diagnosis, WTAF are you doing labeling her in this way? Are you a clinician?


Oh, please. Borderlines rarely think they are a problem or have a problem so they rarely get diagnosed.

My mom has many borderline traits but has never been diagnosed because she would not go to a psychiatrist.

OP-

I finally got my mom to a psychiatrist and got her on meds. I don’t think the tested her for borderlines but they ruled out Alzheimer’s and diagnosed her with major depressive disorder. The meds are a godsend.

Sadly, my sibling is now like my mom was so I get no real relief and people wonder why I am not completely messed up dealing with all the verbal abuse.

DP



I get it. My sister is a replica of my mom though my sister thinks she is oh so independent and hates my mom. It's ridiculous.