Anonymous wrote:12-year-old DD usually bikes to school with a small group of mostly boys. Last week a girl asked if she could go with them- she used to get a ride from her parents but they're not able to do that anymore. DD agreed- she's friends with the girl, but the others in the group don't like her. Now DD feels she has to choose: bail on her original group, or leave this girl to go alone (they all head in the exact same direction).

She's old enough to decide on her own what to do but I'm actually not sure how to advise her: clearly you don't dump your existing group, but the other girl is a friend too. Anyone BTDT?

She's not dumping her existing group. They're dumping her because the other girl is now included. Which is an important distinction.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the have her tell the girl to join, but ride in back with her. Over time the groups will either naturally split or the boys will realize it does not really matter that someone else has joined.

Also, is there a reason the other girl is not welcome? Is she flakey or always late? Maybe just tell your daughter it’s fine to agree that the group leaves on time regardless of who shows up. I could see kids not wanting to have to risk being late.

They don’t like her because- and this is such typical MS BS- she tried to play matchmaker with mutual friends and was annoying when it didn’t work out.

The girls can’t ride in the back- the boys aren’t meeting them at our house anymore. Since last week they’ve just been riding on their own. I assume this will all blow over but DD has been good friends with these boys since they were in elementary school and doesn’t want to lose their friendship.

Sounds like the boys have good reason not to like the other girl. They don’t need to include someone who messes with their lives. I can’t imagine my son would want anything to do with a girl who is playing matchmaker. He really just wants to play sports. He’s not “in love” yet.

The bully’s mother arrived!

DP. Is this sort of response supposed to be cute or have any real meaning? We get it, you disagree. And you think you're funny and that everyone agrees with you. Well, you're mistaken.

The school year is almost over. She should ride with the girl. This will blow over. If she's 12, she has another year of middle school so she will need to decide what she wants to do for next year but a lot can shift in a couple of months with kids that age.

These are decide who you are and decide what you're willing to do to stay in with the crowd teachable moments. It sucks but it's valuable and necessary. Talk about it with your daughter in those terms. A condition of being included with these boys is ditching your other friend. Is this other friend a good friend to you? Don't judge her for what she wants to do next but make sure she is clear on what's really going on and the decision she's making.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Just tell her to ride with her friend on the back. She doesn't have to dump her group. They are going to dump her for riding with her friend.

Then, there's a teaching moment for you.

OP here-- yeah that's what happened- the group dumped her. And they're good friends of hers, so she's upset since she wants to ride with all of them. They all used to meet at our house, so it's not so simple as all riding together since the group has now just been going on their own. First world problem but it's really upset DD and she doesn't know how to handle.

So that was quick.
When people show you who they are, believe them.

Surprised that boys (this feels more like a mean girls' move) would pull this move--over riding bikes to school.

Boys this age cull the pack too.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They all ride together. It's a short bike ride.

BTW, kudos to them for riding bikes!

The boys must be informed they need to be more inclusive.

It is not ok they are excluding people, especially a girl!

You can't inform middle school kids of anything. What kind of advice of this? If you "inform" them of this, it will just make things worse. This is advice for 1st graders.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the have her tell the girl to join, but ride in back with her. Over time the groups will either naturally split or the boys will realize it does not really matter that someone else has joined.

Also, is there a reason the other girl is not welcome? Is she flakey or always late? Maybe just tell your daughter it’s fine to agree that the group leaves on time regardless of who shows up. I could see kids not wanting to have to risk being late.

They don’t like her because- and this is such typical MS BS- she tried to play matchmaker with mutual friends and was annoying when it didn’t work out.

The girls can’t ride in the back- the boys aren’t meeting them at our house anymore. Since last week they’ve just been riding on their own. I assume this will all blow over but DD has been good friends with these boys since they were in elementary school and doesn’t want to lose their friendship.

Sounds like the boys have good reason not to like the other girl. They don’t need to include someone who messes with their lives. I can’t imagine my son would want anything to do with a girl who is playing matchmaker. He really just wants to play sports. He’s not “in love” yet.

The bully’s mother arrived!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Just tell her to ride with her friend on the back. She doesn't have to dump her group. They are going to dump her for riding with her friend.

Then, there's a teaching moment for you.

OP here-- yeah that's what happened- the group dumped her. And they're good friends of hers, so she's upset since she wants to ride with all of them. They all used to meet at our house, so it's not so simple as all riding together since the group has now just been going on their own. First world problem but it's really upset DD and she doesn't know how to handle.

If the group dumped her they are NOT good friends of hers. That's the lesson OP

+1

Anonymous wrote:Why encourage all boy friendships anyway? She needs girls.

Huh? Why?

I've seen this type of thing happen in early middle school. I have boy girl twins and DD was friends with DS's neighborhood friends (they all were friends in elem.) for a while until they started cutting her out. DS was torn but DD told him that it was okay to remain friends with them. She started hanging out with more girls.

Now in late middle school, i think some of the boys have figured out how to hang out with girls as friends and have been trying to include her back. She is wary as she's been burned. I guess she will figure out what she wants to do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the have her tell the girl to join, but ride in back with her. Over time the groups will either naturally split or the boys will realize it does not really matter that someone else has joined.

Also, is there a reason the other girl is not welcome? Is she flakey or always late? Maybe just tell your daughter it’s fine to agree that the group leaves on time regardless of who shows up. I could see kids not wanting to have to risk being late.

They don’t like her because- and this is such typical MS BS- she tried to play matchmaker with mutual friends and was annoying when it didn’t work out.

The girls can’t ride in the back- the boys aren’t meeting them at our house anymore. Since last week they’ve just been riding on their own. I assume this will all blow over but DD has been good friends with these boys since they were in elementary school and doesn’t want to lose their friendship.

Sounds like the boys have good reason not to like the other girl. They don’t need to include someone who messes with their lives. I can’t imagine my son would want anything to do with a girl who is playing matchmaker. He really just wants to play sports. He’s not “in love” yet.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Just tell her to ride with her friend on the back. She doesn't have to dump her group. They are going to dump her for riding with her friend.

Then, there's a teaching moment for you.

OP here-- yeah that's what happened- the group dumped her. And they're good friends of hers, so she's upset since she wants to ride with all of them. They all used to meet at our house, so it's not so simple as all riding together since the group has now just been going on their own. First world problem but it's really upset DD and she doesn't know how to handle.

If the group dumped her they are NOT good friends of hers. That's the lesson OP

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the have her tell the girl to join, but ride in back with her. Over time the groups will either naturally split or the boys will realize it does not really matter that someone else has joined.

Also, is there a reason the other girl is not welcome? Is she flakey or always late? Maybe just tell your daughter it’s fine to agree that the group leaves on time regardless of who shows up. I could see kids not wanting to have to risk being late.

They don’t like her because- and this is such typical MS BS- she tried to play matchmaker with mutual friends and was annoying when it didn’t work out.

The girls can’t ride in the back- the boys aren’t meeting them at our house anymore. Since last week they’ve just been riding on their own. I assume this will all blow over but DD has been good friends with these boys since they were in elementary school and doesn’t want to lose their friendship.

Anonymous wrote:They all ride together. It's a short bike ride.

BTW, kudos to them for riding bikes!

The boys must be informed they need to be more inclusive.

It is not ok they are excluding people, especially a girl!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just tell the girl to show up and bike with the group. This doesn't need that much planning before - especially if they are all going the same direction.

Yes. Your daughter should not have to choose anything. The sidewalk is public.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yup. Just tell her to ride with her friend on the back. She doesn't have to dump her group. They are going to dump her for riding with her friend.

Then, there's a teaching moment for you.

OP here-- yeah that's what happened- the group dumped her. And they're good friends of hers, so she's upset since she wants to ride with all of them. They all used to meet at our house, so it's not so simple as all riding together since the group has now just been going on their own. First world problem but it's really upset DD and she doesn't know how to handle.

I guess she found out they aren’t good friends and not all that good people either.

Hmmm, I'm going to put this out there as a mom of both boys and girls.

What if she told the boys they were being jerks and it's stupid for them to not ride together?

With girls, that could be socially catastrophic, but boys can usually take criticism.