Anonymous wrote:I posted a couple of weeks ago - about husband who starts yelling the moment I raise the issue of the state of family finances.

I am ready to divorce as this toxic environment is no longer bearable.

How did you guys get through this period when you have to pack, find new place, find mediator, find new school, forget the decade together which has good times, get through your SN kid’s homework, maintain declining health, keep your job and keep smiling at work? I’m not going to get therapy - not my thing.

Well, you take one step at a time. Keep your eyes on the prize, which is a happy place for you and your kids. Have you consulted a lawyer yet, do you know you plan to sell/move? Think through scenarios. Get legally informed to know options/what to expect.

Why do you have to forget the decade together? I have some good memories from my marriage-they're mine and I get to have them.

In my case, we're 2 years out now from divorce and both of us are happier and so are our kids.

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is hell. Your life will careen in directions you never could have predicted. I left an abuser and addict and I still wonder if I made the right decision. At a minimum try therapy.

+1 left an abusive alcoholic and sometimes I wonder

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I post a lot here... when DH was seriously threatened with divorce, he did a 180... in the right direction. Therapy was a big part of that. Avoid therapy because it "isn't your thing" at your own peril. Our lives are wonderful now, because we did therapy even though it isn't our "thing."

20:19 — What is your story? Why was he mean? How did you know you can still repair things?

DH did not know how to handle anger his entire life. He always had an excuse for inappropriate behavior- he was quitting smoking, he was hungry, he was tired. He was always sooo sorry. On top of this, he stopped having sex with me because we could not agree on birth control. This was actually sort of the straw that broke the camels back for me in the end. He resented me because he felt he did too much housework. It was awful.

Nevertheless he was living a pretty good life. He spent about 4 days per week on his sport after work and has a very active social life. We both make the same amount of money and are comfortable. So my misery was not really impacting him because he was living his best life.

When I said I was done and wanted to leave he knew I meant it and he turned things around almost instantly and went to therapy. It almost hurt more because it was so easy for him to just start acting nice after a decade and a half of taking every frustration out on me. But after a long time I made peace with that and now we are pretty happy and our kids are doing very well and I know this is because we are together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you’re going to throw away a decade+ of marriage and go through hell, because you don’t like therapy?!?
Try therapy first. At the very least, it may then make the divorce process less painful and contentious if he isn’t willing to change/stop yelling.
Or who knows, you may save your marriage and bring back the love. Stress wreaks havoc on marriages. Sadly I’m going through one now

Right - I did not even start anything and it already feels like hell. We had bumpy times in the past and then made up. I could never go through it. Now I want to be strong and get through it. He keeps yelling and I’m physically sick of it. It hurts more somehow now that you are older.

21:19 here. Of COURSE it hurts more when you are older. You think to yourself "Damn, I am X years old and this bozo is going to be yelling at me and making my life miserable for HOW MANY more years?" So one day you pack up, you tell your friends and family that's it guys, I'm out, and THEN he starts thinking that "oh maybe I haven't been a good husband." That's how some men (people?) are. Stupid and inconsiderate. But maybe you can forgive them for the sake of your kids, your finances, your social status, your vows, whatever happens to matter to you and keep you with this person. I still love my husband so it is not so bad but he was mean and he was stupid and he almost destroyed our marriage because he was grumpy or having a midlife crisis or whatever.

Thanks for your post. I am sorry you went through mean phase too. I’m tired of forgiving. It’s sad — one day it just kills your spirit completely. Yes, I can go and run half marathon - it won’t help. This feels like a long term trauma. And I don’t know the way out yet. I know what it is - why it feels wrong.
Because you know you want out and you are scared at the same time. I’m scared of the unknown. Before - I would be embracing it. And now it’s sort of in the way - immobilizing of sorts.

I will come back here tomorrow.

Agreed - one day at a time. Maybe even portion of a day at a time.

Therapy is going to force you to confront your own role in this dynamic and that’s what’s really challenging and sometimes unpleasant about it. Are you really always the forgiving victim? Is it really only you running the marathon?

At the very least therapy will help you mentally brace yourself for divorce.

Hey OP similarly to you therapy ain't my thing..I tried for a couple of weeks and was bored to death. However, therapy works! I would say 9/10 people will benefit..you and I are just outliers.

Music, weightlifting, hiking were my 3 go to activities that really help me manage the stress and I was dealing with a difficult ADHD alcohol addicted ex wife.

Look up mindfulness. It's a type of mediation technique but it's really hard though. It took me 1 month to get a hang of it. It worked for me! So much so that I was able to get a better higher paying job while going through divorce.

One day at a time OP.

Anonymous wrote:Everyone is telling OP to go to therapy, but she's already said it isn't her thing. How to get through it? The only way is to just do it. Start packing. Find a place to move. If this is your plan then go put one foot in front of the other and make it happen. Once you find a new place, then you know what schools are available, unless you plan to do a private or charter school. If your plan is to leave, there are no shortcuts. The only way out is through.

OP went to ONE session of therapy. I have never heard of anyone fixing their marriage after one therapy session- you barely get a chance to give the therapist an overall idea of what’s going on in one session. She wants to give up. That’s fine, but there’s a consequence for that. It’s dumb to put yourself and your children through the misery of a divorce without seriously throwing yourself into fixing the marriage at least once.

Anonymous wrote:I posted a couple of weeks ago - about husband who starts yelling the moment I raise the issue of the state of family finances.

I am ready to divorce as this toxic environment is no longer bearable.

How did you guys get through this period when you have to pack, find new place, find mediator, find new school, forget the decade together which has good times, get through your SN kid’s homework, maintain declining health, keep your job and keep smiling at work? I’m not going to get therapy - not my thing.

I am a divorced man. We had a collaborative divorce because cheating or abuse were not involved. We both needed to reduce the financial shocks so we actually lived together for 2 years post divorce so we could save money before going out separate ways.

In your case that's probably not an option..I have heard though that women do quite well post divorce they are not as affected mentally the way men are. There is data out there that shows that a significant number of divorced men go downhill post divorce. So at least as a woman the odds are your side that you will be just fine. As a guy I lucked out I guess.

It wasn’t hard. It was always unhappy and stayed too long. Many years. The decision was easy. The process was annoying but not hard. No emotions.

But in retrospect, staying til college (and finding a sex partner) would have been easier than logistics of coparenting. It is almost worse—and I had an emotionally and financially abusive marriage. There is no freedom in a divorce with kids with shared custody.

Woman (no cheating)

Everyone is telling OP to go to therapy, but she's already said it isn't her thing. How to get through it? The only way is to just do it. Start packing. Find a place to move. If this is your plan then go put one foot in front of the other and make it happen. Once you find a new place, then you know what schools are available, unless you plan to do a private or charter school. If your plan is to leave, there are no shortcuts. The only way out is through.

Anonymous wrote:I posted a couple of weeks ago - about husband who starts yelling the moment I raise the issue of the state of family finances.

I am ready to divorce as this toxic environment is no longer bearable.

How did you guys get through this period when you have to pack, find new place, find mediator, find new school, forget the decade together which has good times, get through your SN kid’s homework, maintain declining health, keep your job and keep smiling at work? I’m not going to get therapy - not my thing.

Five years in I just had to deal with my ex-wife (she cheated) concerning our daughter failing two classes in college and withdrawing from a third. So it never really goes away.

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is hell. Your life will careen in directions you never could have predicted. I left an abuser and addict and I still wonder if I made the right decision. At a minimum try therapy.

What kind of directions??

Divorce is hell. Your life will careen in directions you never could have predicted. I left an abuser and addict and I still wonder if I made the right decision. At a minimum try therapy.

❤️

Well… my DH also had major anger issues. We tried several therapists and I finally got an individual one as well. This has helped me make peace with the fact that it is most likely an (untreated) condition such as a personality disorder and/or trauma and anxiety. Accepting that I can’t do anymore has helped me move on.

For the logistical stuff, I got a great lawyer to advise me in mediation.

For the kid stuff — you just take it one day at a time and be the best parent you can be. I have two with various special needs.

For the personal/emotional stuff, my therapist has really helped me to reframe what I’m going through. I also meditate and do other spiritual and emotional work. Ultimately there is grieving as clearly no one gets married thinking this will happen or wanting their life to look like this. For me, it’s a lot of accepting that there is a different chapter ahead and this plot twist does not have to be a bad thing. In fact I feel a lot of positive things have come into my life because of this life transition — new people, new projects, a new and more positive outlook. I felt trapped and unhappy in the relationship. It took me a long time to understand that being out will be better than being in. But it’s happening. And I’m excited.

I have strengthened many relationships through the process. It is important to reach out to people and talk with your close friends. Lots of self care, whatever that looks like for you.

I am somewhere I couldn’t have imagined a year ago. And I’m not even completely divorced yet. Yes, I have bad days and sometimes still have moments where I think back to the good days in the past and am angry or upset that this dream I pinned so many hopes on didn’t materialize. Then I realize that this was not the happy marriage and family that I was hoping for, so it’s ok to let it go and see what comes next.

Good luck OP.

Anonymous wrote:I post a lot here... when DH was seriously threatened with divorce, he did a 180... in the right direction. Therapy was a big part of that. Avoid therapy because it "isn't your thing" at your own peril. Our lives are wonderful now, because we did therapy even though it isn't our "thing."

20:19 — What is your story? Why was he mean? How did you know you can still repair things?