Is there one friend or neighbor whose schedule is very flexible? Who you could text literally as the babysitter is walking in the door to meet for coffee? Or at least someone who you’re comfortable having that last-minute kind of relationship with? I have a few friends like that and it actually builds intimacy to not plan ahead

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be a jerk but do you think some of your issues are because you are introverted and maybe embarrassed by your son’s behavior? Try to let some if that go…. What does your son enjoy? If he’s mobile do parks or playgrounds.
Do you have adult mom friends? Meet for coffee when kid is at school even if it’s only an hour. I have one friend I meet once a month for thrifting then Starbucks. We both look forward to it.

Op here. I take him everywhere. This isn’t a shame thing. He elopes and is violent so I spend all my energy managing and containing him and I am too distracted by that to talk to anyone. That’s inherently my problem. I feel stuck in the house and am caregiving all the time. And I cannot combine socializing with watching my child because he’s so difficult. We have respite but the providers rarely show up. It’s just hard. I don’t expect a solution but would appreciate hearing what other people do to cope with loneliness.

I relate to the isolation because of my husband's mental illness. Going anywhere with him tends to be pretty painful, and with our young children, I have almost time or space for a meaningful social life.

Do you think the following may be helpful to you?

My solution for now has been to befriend plants and to keep learning and building up my skills so that if and when windows open up for me to start meeting people again, Im ready to roll up sleeved and make meaningful contributions. Having many plants to water, watching them grow keeps me from stagnating. Like a depressed person might get a dog because that'll force them out to walk twice a day.

It does help a lot with the loneliness, to be surrounded by life. I garden in a "leave the leaves" way and get a healthy amount of joy from watching all the life in our back yard.

It's also nice learning together with folks online.

That doesn’t seem like enough respite care, even if you were getting all you are supposed to. Here in Loudoun we can hire our own caregivers and we can plus up the payment rate to get someone good who will stick around. Would that work for you?

OP, I totally understand. Things that have helped me to feel less lonely are:
-Find other SN moms and start a text thread--very helpful to feel like you can reach out and support each other in the moment.
-Create a regular, inviolable (i know it's hard) time when your kid is in school or somewhere else where you are meeting other people. A regular monthly lunch date with a friend or group of friends. A weekly lesson/class/support group/running partner. That way you know you are making time for yourself to build relationships with other people as an individual.
-SN playgroup hours are helpful, but sometimes it takes extra effort to talk with other parents. It literally took me 5-6 months to have enough time to have an exchange with another SN mom friend that would have taken 15 minutes in a normal conversation. But now a good friend.
-It also sounds like you are dealing with a whole bunch of things that are making isolation more real--transitioning out of job/financial stress and partner/co-parent that is not dependable. Those things also are very stressful, so it sounds like its loneliness/transition/basic safety net stuff as well. If you have anyone you can talk to--therapy or other supportive folks--that may also really help.

I’m so sorry. I don’t think my kids issues were ever as severe as you are describing but 5/6 was the hardest time for my SNs kid (and the typical one too, but obviously that’s comparing apples and oranges). This was during the pandemic for me and I felt so desperately alone. I spoke to a therapist virtually and it helped. Even though she definitely had not experienced what I was describing it at least felt like a judgement free zone. Honestly this forum has helped me to. It’s hard to feel like you basically no longer exist aside from being a caretaker for your child. I am increasingly realizing that my spouse shares many of the same issues and likely shared diagnosis but will not get help which adds to the loneliness. It’s gotten better for me over time, I hope the same is true for you.

Are you married to your partner? Are they the child's biological parent?

And for lonlieness - I think you have to have separate time. As a SN parent at that age compartmentalizing is essential. You need time with friends and alone. You need to exercise etc. hmmm. I wonder if there is a gym you can join where he can sit with an iPad while you do a class and meet some moms? I’d do a meet up post or look for moms of kids with special needs who would like to get together. Maybe you could hire a sitter together.

Op, I know he’s so young, but have you tried risperidal? Or an anti psychotic? You need relief here. It willl get better with age hopefully. My son was similar - his impulsivity was so bad I couldn’t look away. He did crazy things. Are you all on a stimulant? Clonidine? You need med help.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not trying to be a jerk but do you think some of your issues are because you are introverted and maybe embarrassed by your son’s behavior? Try to let some if that go…. What does your son enjoy? If he’s mobile do parks or playgrounds.
Do you have adult mom friends? Meet for coffee when kid is at school even if it’s only an hour. I have one friend I meet once a month for thrifting then Starbucks. We both look forward to it.

Op here. I take him everywhere. This isn’t a shame thing. He elopes and is violent so I spend all my energy managing and containing him and I am too distracted by that to talk to anyone. That’s inherently my problem. I feel stuck in the house and am caregiving all the time. And I cannot combine socializing with watching my child because he’s so difficult. We have respite but the providers rarely show up. It’s just hard. I don’t expect a solution but would appreciate hearing what other people do to cope with loneliness.

I’m not trying to be a jerk but do you think some of your issues are because you are introverted and maybe embarrassed by your son’s behavior? Try to let some if that go…. What does your son enjoy? If he’s mobile do parks or playgrounds.
Do you have adult mom friends? Meet for coffee when kid is at school even if it’s only an hour. I have one friend I meet once a month for thrifting then Starbucks. We both look forward to it.

Anonymous wrote:Can you meet friends at a playground? Fenced in playground if need be. Even if you only did this twice a month it would be some adult interaction.

Op here. I do go to special needs hour at the trampoline park every week and I do see the same moms pretty much every week and I try to talk to them but I really cannot take my eyes off DS, even for a few moments. And they are also generally extremely distracted with their own kids. I’ve been doing this for 18 months, with the specific intention of trying to find other moms in my same situation and it just hasn’t worked.