Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do you think memory care is not a good fit?

OP here. Memory care settings lack privacy and residents with a wide range of behaviors are grouped together in large communal spaces. My grandmother would absolutely hate it. She may not know what day it is or what she ate for breakfast, but she knows that she doesn't want to be forced to sit in a locked room all day with a bunch of other people. She has always been a solitary person, happiest at home with a good book and a dog at her feet. Many memory care settings also seem to have programming designed to keep residents active and engaged. She would hate this too. She just wants to be left in peace. I understand that the activities are meant to enhance quality of life and have benefits, but at 93 years old, the value of this type of therapeutic programming is pretty limited. If I'm wrong about memory care, please correct me. But this is what I deduced by researching programs online.

My mom is in her own private 2 room apartment in memory care. All memory cares are not locked floors filled w/ rows of beds. There is a wide range of cognitive function among the residents living there and the floor is locked, so they don’t walk out the front door, but there are absolutely memory care floors where she can live in her own space.

This. They vary. Also, my grandparent wasn't forced to participate in activities, just encouraged. If she is introverted she might like a place with lovely gardens and places she can enjoy some solitude.

My mom is in memory care and it’s been fantastic for her. They all have their own apartments- either studios or one bedrooms. I actually only toured one facility that had shared rooms.

Her place likes to get people up and engaged but they respect the wishes of the people they care for. If someone wants to stay in their room and watch TV and be alone they’re fine with it, but they do check on them and they collect them for meals to make sure they don’t miss eating.

In my moms facility their assisted living has a locked front door- there’s a 24/7 concierge at the desk and each AL resident gets a key fob they can use to come and go as they please. I think they keep it locked figuring if a resident is unable to figure out the key fob they probably shouldn’t be wandering around outside.

For what it's worth, my MIL is in memory care - she is more social than your relative - and she honestly loves it. Chats all day with the ladies who are her level of dementia. With the right place - which sounds like access to a more private space for your relative - it could be a great option. Around the clock caregivers is super expensive and a lot less reliable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, there are no good options. If you want her in an institution they will insist on memory care and it will most likely suck

Try to keep her at home and up the number of hours

Personally I’d rather die from a fall at home than be locked in memory care

Well, that's what she would say too. Just let me stay in my home and if I die from a fall, then it was my time to go.

And if she dies after being hit by a car while walking down the side of the highway as she attempts to "walk home," is that OK with her, too? What if someone else gets killed in that accident?

Is she OK dying of hypothermia in the woods because she wandered off and got lost?

What if instead of dying, she hangs on long enough to be taken to a hospital where she lingers for months, too ill to be released, and finally dies in tremendous pain?

People imagining that they'd prefer dying at home tend to assume that whatever death comes will be relatively quick and not painful, or at least not painful for long. There are other possibilities, and they can be pretty gruesome

Sure, these are possibilities. But unlikely if she isn’t a wanderer (yet). Personally, I would probably just honor her wishes to go home.

My recommendation is to find a place that has all levels of care so you can move her easily to the next level when needed. I doubt AL will work for long so make sure they have memory care and ultimately skilled nursing when it's needed.

This is OP. Thanks so much for the responses and for sharing your direct experiences. It's been a good reality check. I spent the morning making inquiries and setting up some tours. I did find some memory care places that have private apartments. The people that I spoke with were able to provide more info about the differences between memory care and assisted living, and my takeaway was that my grandmother would probably be best supported in memory care, but assisted living is not out of the question (for now) as long as she isn't an elopement risk. Of course they would assess this and make a final recommendation. One place was also willing to do a one month trial, which seems like a lower entry barrier than signing a contract and paying a $2500 move in fee. I really appreciate all of your feedback.

My mother had dementia and lived in assisted living until she wandered out of the building at night. At that point, she was moved to a sister facility with a memory care wing. She was also solitary and stayed in her room with her TV and books. The memory care wing was locked, but she could move around freely if she wished, but generally she did not.

I strongly recommend listening to suggestions from others who have been there. Staying home at 93 with dementia does not sound tenable. There are no great choices, unfortunately.

My mother has dementia and is in assisted living. They have different levels of care within her ALF so as her needs increase we can adjust care level. They have an attached memory care that she will move to when necessary. All the residents wear GPS buttons at all times so if they have an issue they can press it and an aide or nurse will come in- it has been helpful several times for middle of the night falls. We ask them to remind her to go to meals and of activities, all her medical care is coordinated through the medical group they affiliate with so her primary dr, physical therapist etc come straight to her unit and all medical notes are consolidated. I would not have felt comfortable with my mom at home with only occasional care- I do feel comfortable having her in an assisted living facility. Just because she has dementia does not automatically mean she needs to go straight to memory care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, there are no good options. If you want her in an institution they will insist on memory care and it will most likely suck

Try to keep her at home and up the number of hours

Personally I’d rather die from a fall at home than be locked in memory care

Well, that's what she would say too. Just let me stay in my home and if I die from a fall, then it was my time to go.

And if she dies after being hit by a car while walking down the side of the highway as she attempts to "walk home," is that OK with her, too? What if someone else gets killed in that accident?

Is she OK dying of hypothermia in the woods because she wandered off and got lost?

What if instead of dying, she hangs on long enough to be taken to a hospital where she lingers for months, too ill to be released, and finally dies in tremendous pain?

People imagining that they'd prefer dying at home tend to assume that whatever death comes will be relatively quick and not painful, or at least not painful for long. There are other possibilities, and they can be pretty gruesome

Memory Care is the appropriate care

~ signed, have had 4 elders pass, one in memory care

Anonymous wrote:Op, there are no good options. If you want her in an institution they will insist on memory care and it will most likely suck

Try to keep her at home and up the number of hours

Personally I’d rather die from a fall at home than be locked in memory care

New poster here.

It's not just about the elderly person with dementia though. People with dementia can be dangerous to others. What if she starts lighting the stove and causing fires? That would not just burn down her home, but potentially neighbors' houses if she lives in apartments/townhomes or even just houses that are very close together. What if a firefighter gets injured or even dies while responding to the fire?
OP's family needs to think beyond just what her grandmother wants.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you need to visit some actual memory cares rather than assuming they're all variations on The Snake Pit.

And you need to hurry, because the good ones have waiting lists

This. Visit ones in your area. Don’t make assumptions based on what you’ve read online. These programs vary.

Extremely low budget but can you put cameras all over her house at angles that give her some privacy but let you know what’s going on

OP, you need to visit some actual memory cares rather than assuming they're all variations on The Snake Pit.

And you need to hurry, because the good ones have waiting lists

Anonymous wrote:Op, there are no good options. If you want her in an institution they will insist on memory care and it will most likely suck

Try to keep her at home and up the number of hours

Personally I’d rather die from a fall at home than be locked in memory care

Well, that's what she would say too. Just let me stay in my home and if I die from a fall, then it was my time to go.