You said you tried meditation; did that include some of the radical self-compassion work from Tara Brach? Or any of Kristin Neff's work? If not, I highly recommend both. I also liked the PP's suggestion to just embrace and accept that you often feel insecure and that that's a part of you, and stop fighting against it. Wishing you the best and rooting for you, OP.

Are you a woman, OP? I am too and a very insecure one so I aim to be thinner and more attractive than those who hold any sort of sway over me. The unspoken, usually unacknowledged social power of being a thin, in-shape, stylish woman is intoxicating. I love looking like a straight up goddess next to my fat, slovenly manager.

Sounds like social anxiety, always comparing yourself to others, which has a strong genetic component.

You said your family was abusive. Seems like you are carrying around a lot of guilt and worthlessness.

How old are you? After menopause (or when your vision goes), you may care less how you look and what people think.

Are you happy in your job? In relationships?

Do you have any pets? Do you get exercise? Do you spend time in nature? Do you get enough sleep? Have hobbies?

You might just have to accept you have a J in your Myers Briggs type. I kind of like someone else's idea of judging someone else, instead of yourself. Do you do a lot of judging in your job? Is that training your mind to be more judgmental?