Anonymous wrote:If it's dementia they aren't lying. Their mind is not working right and confused.

+1

They are not lying. It’s their new reality, just go with it. Don’t fight it. It’s not worth.

With my grandma, I just kind of gave up on the idea of truth. If she said nobody told her I was coming to visit I just said "oh, well I am glad to be here now, do you want to (watch a show, eat a snack, have me paint your nails, etc.)?" And then she would move on. No point in saying that I told her every week for a month and her aide had written it on the calendar. If she said that a nurse was trying to poison her I would say "that sounds terrible! I will look into that!") and tell her something else ("have you heard from your cousin Marcia recently? Her daughter just started college, can you believe it?"). The hardest thing was that when she was awful to people she would forget it but the rest of us remembered. I tried to strike a balance between separating it from who she really was and also remembering that she wasn't easy before dementia. To OP who wanted to know what happened after this phase, it got worse and worse for years and then she got a kidney infection and died.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother lied in the earlier stages to try to hide her capacity. Overstating what she could do, blaming others for things to cover up her forgetfulness, etc. It was an effort to facilitate her own denial and stress and in some areas she believed her own lies (ie insisting my dad or I changed computer settings and passwords instead of admitting she could not remember how to use it).

This is what I've mostly seen as well. A friend of mine's parents are still at home but declining rapidly. She does everything for them. Goes to their home every day, gets all their groceries, medications, drives them to bridge, dr appts etc. Her mom is telling other people that the children are basically neglectful. They do their own groceries. She goes for a walk every day. Calls their own plumbers/etc. None of this is true. She told a family member this who relayed it to my friend, obviously concerned since she also knew this wasn't true. It really really hurt my friend. She is giving up 75% of her life for them and they are so mean to her and tell everyone how neglectful she is!

I lived this with my mother and it really did in my health. It's amazing how people who who have known you your whole life will believe a woman in her 80s who has been a diva a whole life. My advice to your friend is if there is money outsource a care manager and lots of things. I waited until total burn out and my own illness to do this and by that time I could not listed to another lie or complaint or anger outburst from my mother. I could listen to another doctor or read anything about it. If I didn't have a husband and kids I cared deeply about I wanted to jump off a roof rather than have more years of this. There is a lot of turnover, but even at her worst with them she behaves far better for strangers than she ever did for me. Just seeing me, she still gets an evil glimmer in her eye and wants to blame me for everything and yell.

I'm sorry <3 It's really rough. I feel like she would say the same thing. It's an awful awful situation. And to have people glibly crying "it's not mean!" "theyre not lying!" while discounting other peoples lived experiences is quite nasty.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother lied in the earlier stages to try to hide her capacity. Overstating what she could do, blaming others for things to cover up her forgetfulness, etc. It was an effort to facilitate her own denial and stress and in some areas she believed her own lies (ie insisting my dad or I changed computer settings and passwords instead of admitting she could not remember how to use it).

This is what I've mostly seen as well. A friend of mine's parents are still at home but declining rapidly. She does everything for them. Goes to their home every day, gets all their groceries, medications, drives them to bridge, dr appts etc. Her mom is telling other people that the children are basically neglectful. They do their own groceries. She goes for a walk every day. Calls their own plumbers/etc. None of this is true. She told a family member this who relayed it to my friend, obviously concerned since she also knew this wasn't true. It really really hurt my friend. She is giving up 75% of her life for them and they are so mean to her and tell everyone how neglectful she is!

THe meanness is part of the dementia. It sadly gets worse.

And again, it isn't exactly meanness. They don't know what's going on and if you tell them, they'll have forgotten literally two minutes later. They know their life is sort of working. They don't remember how that happened, and they decide they've done it themselves.

My mom is about to be moved into assisted living, and she thinks she might be moving into an independent living apartment. She complains a lot that none of the nurses (she broke her arm, and once she was being seen by objective observers up close every day, it became clear how bad her cognition is) tell her anything, and she's mad about it. But we know the nurses and the social worker are telling her things, repeatedly, because we're sitting right there.

This is gaslighting. Anyone who saw my mother's behavior with me would tell you it was not even just mean, but abusive. Perhaps your mom had a different form. Mine had a mean streak that got far worse with age. She one time confused a caregiver for me and was so abusive that the caregiver told her off as she quit on the spot. My mother had to be shamed into adding a new med to keep her behaving.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother lied in the earlier stages to try to hide her capacity. Overstating what she could do, blaming others for things to cover up her forgetfulness, etc. It was an effort to facilitate her own denial and stress and in some areas she believed her own lies (ie insisting my dad or I changed computer settings and passwords instead of admitting she could not remember how to use it).

This is what I've mostly seen as well. A friend of mine's parents are still at home but declining rapidly. She does everything for them. Goes to their home every day, gets all their groceries, medications, drives them to bridge, dr appts etc. Her mom is telling other people that the children are basically neglectful. They do their own groceries. She goes for a walk every day. Calls their own plumbers/etc. None of this is true. She told a family member this who relayed it to my friend, obviously concerned since she also knew this wasn't true. It really really hurt my friend. She is giving up 75% of her life for them and they are so mean to her and tell everyone how neglectful she is!

I lived this with my mother and it really did in my health. It's amazing how people who who have known you your whole life will believe a woman in her 80s who has been a diva a whole life. My advice to your friend is if there is money outsource a care manager and lots of things. I waited until total burn out and my own illness to do this and by that time I could not listed to another lie or complaint or anger outburst from my mother. I could listen to another doctor or read anything about it. If I didn't have a husband and kids I cared deeply about I wanted to jump off a roof rather than have more years of this. There is a lot of turnover, but even at her worst with them she behaves far better for strangers than she ever did for me. Just seeing me, she still gets an evil glimmer in her eye and wants to blame me for everything and yell.

The meanness can be a defensive move, and it might get better as things progress. Or not. Kind of depends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother lied in the earlier stages to try to hide her capacity. Overstating what she could do, blaming others for things to cover up her forgetfulness, etc. It was an effort to facilitate her own denial and stress and in some areas she believed her own lies (ie insisting my dad or I changed computer settings and passwords instead of admitting she could not remember how to use it).

This is what I've mostly seen as well. A friend of mine's parents are still at home but declining rapidly. She does everything for them. Goes to their home every day, gets all their groceries, medications, drives them to bridge, dr appts etc. Her mom is telling other people that the children are basically neglectful. They do their own groceries. She goes for a walk every day. Calls their own plumbers/etc. None of this is true. She told a family member this who relayed it to my friend, obviously concerned since she also knew this wasn't true. It really really hurt my friend. She is giving up 75% of her life for them and they are so mean to her and tell everyone how neglectful she is!

THe meanness is part of the dementia. It sadly gets worse.

And again, it isn't exactly meanness. They don't know what's going on and if you tell them, they'll have forgotten literally two minutes later. They know their life is sort of working. They don't remember how that happened, and they decide they've done it themselves.

My mom is about to be moved into assisted living, and she thinks she might be moving into an independent living apartment. She complains a lot that none of the nurses (she broke her arm, and once she was being seen by objective observers up close every day, it became clear how bad her cognition is) tell her anything, and she's mad about it. But we know the nurses and the social worker are telling her things, repeatedly, because we're sitting right there.

Please don't discount other people's experiences. Maybe it's "not exactly mean" to you, but it's absolutely mean to other people going through this. I'm glad your experience has not been as bad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother lied in the earlier stages to try to hide her capacity. Overstating what she could do, blaming others for things to cover up her forgetfulness, etc. It was an effort to facilitate her own denial and stress and in some areas she believed her own lies (ie insisting my dad or I changed computer settings and passwords instead of admitting she could not remember how to use it).

This is what I've mostly seen as well. A friend of mine's parents are still at home but declining rapidly. She does everything for them. Goes to their home every day, gets all their groceries, medications, drives them to bridge, dr appts etc. Her mom is telling other people that the children are basically neglectful. They do their own groceries. She goes for a walk every day. Calls their own plumbers/etc. None of this is true. She told a family member this who relayed it to my friend, obviously concerned since she also knew this wasn't true. It really really hurt my friend. She is giving up 75% of her life for them and they are so mean to her and tell everyone how neglectful she is!

THe meanness is part of the dementia. It sadly gets worse.

And again, it isn't exactly meanness. They don't know what's going on and if you tell them, they'll have forgotten literally two minutes later. They know their life is sort of working. They don't remember how that happened, and they decide they've done it themselves.

My mom is about to be moved into assisted living, and she thinks she might be moving into an independent living apartment. She complains a lot that none of the nurses (she broke her arm, and once she was being seen by objective observers up close every day, it became clear how bad her cognition is) tell her anything, and she's mad about it. But we know the nurses and the social worker are telling her things, repeatedly, because we're sitting right there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother lied in the earlier stages to try to hide her capacity. Overstating what she could do, blaming others for things to cover up her forgetfulness, etc. It was an effort to facilitate her own denial and stress and in some areas she believed her own lies (ie insisting my dad or I changed computer settings and passwords instead of admitting she could not remember how to use it).

This is what I've mostly seen as well. A friend of mine's parents are still at home but declining rapidly. She does everything for them. Goes to their home every day, gets all their groceries, medications, drives them to bridge, dr appts etc. Her mom is telling other people that the children are basically neglectful. They do their own groceries. She goes for a walk every day. Calls their own plumbers/etc. None of this is true. She told a family member this who relayed it to my friend, obviously concerned since she also knew this wasn't true. It really really hurt my friend. She is giving up 75% of her life for them and they are so mean to her and tell everyone how neglectful she is!

THe meanness is part of the dementia. It sadly gets worse.

I think that's what really struck her. Her mom was so sweet, and now she's calling her an ungrateful B for even suggesting that mom doesnt actually go to the grocery store every day That is hard to reconcile with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother lied in the earlier stages to try to hide her capacity. Overstating what she could do, blaming others for things to cover up her forgetfulness, etc. It was an effort to facilitate her own denial and stress and in some areas she believed her own lies (ie insisting my dad or I changed computer settings and passwords instead of admitting she could not remember how to use it).

They aren't lying or in denial. Because of the memory issues they don't understand what is going on or what they are being told (i.e. doctors).

I don’t think it’s that simple. In later stages, maybe, but not early on.

If the person does have dementia, you have to kind of let go of worrying about what lying is intentional and what’s not. Like, it might be done to cover themselves or in service of denial, but everything is getting kind of blurry in there including the line between fact and fiction. Everything is getting weaker except for denial, and denial can easily push aside guilt about lying. Then the fuzzy memory seals the deal.

Anonymous wrote:My mother lied in the earlier stages to try to hide her capacity. Overstating what she could do, blaming others for things to cover up her forgetfulness, etc. It was an effort to facilitate her own denial and stress and in some areas she believed her own lies (ie insisting my dad or I changed computer settings and passwords instead of admitting she could not remember how to use it).

They aren't lying or in denial. Because of the memory issues they don't understand what is going on or what they are being told (i.e. doctors).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother lied in the earlier stages to try to hide her capacity. Overstating what she could do, blaming others for things to cover up her forgetfulness, etc. It was an effort to facilitate her own denial and stress and in some areas she believed her own lies (ie insisting my dad or I changed computer settings and passwords instead of admitting she could not remember how to use it).

This is what I've mostly seen as well. A friend of mine's parents are still at home but declining rapidly. She does everything for them. Goes to their home every day, gets all their groceries, medications, drives them to bridge, dr appts etc. Her mom is telling other people that the children are basically neglectful. They do their own groceries. She goes for a walk every day. Calls their own plumbers/etc. None of this is true. She told a family member this who relayed it to my friend, obviously concerned since she also knew this wasn't true. It really really hurt my friend. She is giving up 75% of her life for them and they are so mean to her and tell everyone how neglectful she is!

THe meanness is part of the dementia. It sadly gets worse.

Anonymous wrote:My mother lied in the earlier stages to try to hide her capacity. Overstating what she could do, blaming others for things to cover up her forgetfulness, etc. It was an effort to facilitate her own denial and stress and in some areas she believed her own lies (ie insisting my dad or I changed computer settings and passwords instead of admitting she could not remember how to use it).

This is what I've mostly seen as well. A friend of mine's parents are still at home but declining rapidly. She does everything for them. Goes to their home every day, gets all their groceries, medications, drives them to bridge, dr appts etc. Her mom is telling other people that the children are basically neglectful. They do their own groceries. She goes for a walk every day. Calls their own plumbers/etc. None of this is true. She told a family member this who relayed it to my friend, obviously concerned since she also knew this wasn't true. It really really hurt my friend. She is giving up 75% of her life for them and they are so mean to her and tell everyone how neglectful she is!

Anonymous wrote:What happened after that? What were the following years like? What do you do once this is a regular pattern?

Buckle in, really. It depends on the particulars. Try to get paperwork in order now. You don’t have to take over, but if you or their spouse can help gather up all the account info, passwords, insurance policies etc you won’t be sorry later.