Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a high-performing, unmedicated ADHD woman, I can tell you that I was attracted to DH in part because of his meticulous spreadsheets, color-coded closet, and planning skills. He's probably borderline OCD in the same ways. How self-aware is your spouse? I have learned to live with checklists I am a minimalist, so everything has a spot. I have air tags on most things. I get help with calendaring things at work. I don't hire anyone with ADHD themselves, certainly not my nanny. Mine has very strong executive functioning skills. One kid is doing fine with medication and sports. The other one is closer to your kids' ages and may not need medication. That one also gets lots of sports, and I teach reading and math at home as I don't think much of what is taught as school sinks in.

This is very helpful thank you. DH is very, very functioning which is part of why he is untreated. He thinks medication would alter his abilities. I'm not necessarily pushing for medication, just therapy or coaching to help him support me at home. Stuff like losing things constantly, forgetting minutia about the kids/house etc.

We didn't know our nanny had ADHD when we hired her, about four months in when we tried to talk with her about her performance she let us know she is ADHD/ASD and partially deaf. She is bonded to our kids though and we had just had a baby so we decided to stick with it and it's been about 18 months. We've mutually decided she needs a better fit and will be leaving after the summer.

Well he's not "very, very functioning" if he's losing things constantly.

Why do you say "support me at home"? Are you a SAHM or work part-time? If you work full-time, he needs to be pulling his weight as a parent not just "helping" you.

I think a big part of this process is you opening your eyes to exactly how impaired your DH and nanny are.

He's very high functioning at work, this is why he's been able to skate by, especially we me picking up the slack. Yes I work full time. Pulling his weight is exactly what I am asking for help with here. How do I get him to do that? Do you have a spouse with adhd and have tips?

Him being able to function highly at work but not at home is not adhd. Op is a fool.

You obviously know nothing about ADHD and have no experience with it. Not sure you should be the one calling anyone a fool.

https://add.org/high-functioning-adhd/#:~:text=Many%20ADHDers%20are%20high%20achievers,their%20(often%20undiagnosed)%20ADHD.

DP. We all know it is over-diagnosed and it’s very questionable that the op has that many diagnosed people around her. Her husband ability to function at work but not at home is certainly deliberate.

ADHD is genetic. Do you think it's a coincidence that four blood relatives share a diagnosis?

Any studies that prove ADHD is genetic?

Yes. Many. Maybe you should refrain from posting on topics you obviously know nothing about.

https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.751041/full

Lining your pockets, huh?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a high-performing, unmedicated ADHD woman, I can tell you that I was attracted to DH in part because of his meticulous spreadsheets, color-coded closet, and planning skills. He's probably borderline OCD in the same ways. How self-aware is your spouse? I have learned to live with checklists I am a minimalist, so everything has a spot. I have air tags on most things. I get help with calendaring things at work. I don't hire anyone with ADHD themselves, certainly not my nanny. Mine has very strong executive functioning skills. One kid is doing fine with medication and sports. The other one is closer to your kids' ages and may not need medication. That one also gets lots of sports, and I teach reading and math at home as I don't think much of what is taught as school sinks in.

This is very helpful thank you. DH is very, very functioning which is part of why he is untreated. He thinks medication would alter his abilities. I'm not necessarily pushing for medication, just therapy or coaching to help him support me at home. Stuff like losing things constantly, forgetting minutia about the kids/house etc.

We didn't know our nanny had ADHD when we hired her, about four months in when we tried to talk with her about her performance she let us know she is ADHD/ASD and partially deaf. She is bonded to our kids though and we had just had a baby so we decided to stick with it and it's been about 18 months. We've mutually decided she needs a better fit and will be leaving after the summer.

Well he's not "very, very functioning" if he's losing things constantly.

Why do you say "support me at home"? Are you a SAHM or work part-time? If you work full-time, he needs to be pulling his weight as a parent not just "helping" you.

I think a big part of this process is you opening your eyes to exactly how impaired your DH and nanny are.

He's very high functioning at work, this is why he's been able to skate by, especially we me picking up the slack. Yes I work full time. Pulling his weight is exactly what I am asking for help with here. How do I get him to do that? Do you have a spouse with adhd and have tips?

Him being able to function highly at work but not at home is not adhd. Op is a fool.

You obviously know nothing about ADHD and have no experience with it. Not sure you should be the one calling anyone a fool.

https://add.org/high-functioning-adhd/#:~:text=Many%20ADHDers%20are%20high%20achievers,their%20(often%20undiagnosed)%20ADHD.

DP. We all know it is over-diagnosed and it’s very questionable that the op has that many diagnosed people around her. Her husband ability to function at work but not at home is certainly deliberate.

ADHD is genetic. Do you think it's a coincidence that four blood relatives share a diagnosis?

Any studies that prove ADHD is genetic?

Yes. Many. Maybe you should refrain from posting on topics you obviously know nothing about.

https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2022.751041/full

To add on to my long response at 17:21

You say you have systems and no one uses them. Then they are not the right systems. You need to be flexible.

My husband wanted us to use a joint calendar and that would mean I would have that calendar, my personal calendar, and my work calendar. I cannot handle that mentally. He refused to give in until I had a complete meltdown and couldn’t stop crying one night because I was extremely stressed with work emergencies and he was mad I forgot about Cub Scout meeting. Now everything is sent to both my home and work calendars. My work calendar has everything and that’s what shows on my Apple watch.

To his NT brain, a joint calendar made sense. Lots of people use that system. But it does not work for me and he needed to change to accommodate my preferences if he wanted me to follow his system.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a high-performing, unmedicated ADHD woman, I can tell you that I was attracted to DH in part because of his meticulous spreadsheets, color-coded closet, and planning skills. He's probably borderline OCD in the same ways. How self-aware is your spouse? I have learned to live with checklists I am a minimalist, so everything has a spot. I have air tags on most things. I get help with calendaring things at work. I don't hire anyone with ADHD themselves, certainly not my nanny. Mine has very strong executive functioning skills. One kid is doing fine with medication and sports. The other one is closer to your kids' ages and may not need medication. That one also gets lots of sports, and I teach reading and math at home as I don't think much of what is taught as school sinks in.

This is very helpful thank you. DH is very, very functioning which is part of why he is untreated. He thinks medication would alter his abilities. I'm not necessarily pushing for medication, just therapy or coaching to help him support me at home. Stuff like losing things constantly, forgetting minutia about the kids/house etc.

We didn't know our nanny had ADHD when we hired her, about four months in when we tried to talk with her about her performance she let us know she is ADHD/ASD and partially deaf. She is bonded to our kids though and we had just had a baby so we decided to stick with it and it's been about 18 months. We've mutually decided she needs a better fit and will be leaving after the summer.

Well he's not "very, very functioning" if he's losing things constantly.

Why do you say "support me at home"? Are you a SAHM or work part-time? If you work full-time, he needs to be pulling his weight as a parent not just "helping" you.

I think a big part of this process is you opening your eyes to exactly how impaired your DH and nanny are.

He's very high functioning at work, this is why he's been able to skate by, especially we me picking up the slack. Yes I work full time. Pulling his weight is exactly what I am asking for help with here. How do I get him to do that? Do you have a spouse with adhd and have tips?

Him being able to function highly at work but not at home is not adhd. Op is a fool.

You obviously know nothing about ADHD and have no experience with it. Not sure you should be the one calling anyone a fool.

https://add.org/high-functioning-adhd/#:~:text=Many%20ADHDers%20are%20high%20achievers,their%20(often%20undiagnosed)%20ADHD.

DP. We all know it is over-diagnosed and it’s very questionable that the op has that many diagnosed people around her. Her husband ability to function at work but not at home is certainly deliberate.

ADHD is genetic. Do you think it's a coincidence that four blood relatives share a diagnosis?

Here is my take as an adult with ADHD in a house with 2 elementary kids and 2 adults who work full time. One of my kids probably has it, the other does not.

1. You need a nanny that does NOT have ADHD
2. You potentially need a separate house manager that does NOT have ADHD. My NT husband fills this role for us. I still do plenty of things typically allocated to the mom, but my husband manages the calendar entries, signs us up for conferences, makes appointments, etc. If neither of you can handle that, you need an assistant who reads your emails and updates your calendars with the whole season’s worth of baseball games, sets a reminder for spirit week, and gives you a run down every few days of things like:
Venmo the class mom
Do you want to bring snack to soccer on 5/10 or 5/17?
Billy need’s to order this year’s team swimsuit by 5/10.

3. Hire a professional organizer. Mine is a mom of 4 kids the same age range as mine. They will help you declutter and set up systems that actually work for your family - not some idealized Instagram family.

4. You relentlessly train your whole family -
Don’t put it down, put it away.
A place for everything and everything in its place.
You create routines for daily / weekly / monthly actions like getting out the door on weekday mornings. You post lists or have prominent white boards for kids to check off.

5. Get Alexa or Google Home assistants and use them to set alarms and reminders. Get multiple “Time Timers” to help people visualize when you need to leave the house or transition activities.

6. You coach, scaffold, and support your kids to strengthen their executive functioning skills. You don’t just tell them “unpack your backpack”.
You teach them when a task needs to be done - is it on a schedule like every day after school or is there an observable indicator like the green light on the dishwasher?
You teach them what does it mean to complete the task. How can the break it down into steps? “Unpacking your backpack means putting your water bottle and lunch box next to the sink, taking any papers and putting them in the “new mail” basket, and hanging it on the hook for tomorrow. On Wednesday it means collecting library books to return on Thursday.
You teach them what a completed job done well looks like so they can eventually quality control themselves.
You tell them what is next. “When you complete that task, you can play Minecraft for 20 minutes”.

Trust me this last one is the hardest because as a person with ADHD I do not always want to do the right thing at the right time. I am not consistent when left to my own devices. Sometimes when I model these behaviors for my kids, I pretend I am acting in a play and following a script. BUT my kids are 7 and 9 and they are exceptionally responsible. We lost 1 hoodie the whole school year and we even got it back from Lost and Found. My kids each have a luggage tag on their backpack with a checklist by day of the week - mostly for me to ask them before we leave school pick-up, but they just do it themselves now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a high-performing, unmedicated ADHD woman, I can tell you that I was attracted to DH in part because of his meticulous spreadsheets, color-coded closet, and planning skills. He's probably borderline OCD in the same ways. How self-aware is your spouse? I have learned to live with checklists I am a minimalist, so everything has a spot. I have air tags on most things. I get help with calendaring things at work. I don't hire anyone with ADHD themselves, certainly not my nanny. Mine has very strong executive functioning skills. One kid is doing fine with medication and sports. The other one is closer to your kids' ages and may not need medication. That one also gets lots of sports, and I teach reading and math at home as I don't think much of what is taught as school sinks in.

This is very helpful thank you. DH is very, very functioning which is part of why he is untreated. He thinks medication would alter his abilities. I'm not necessarily pushing for medication, just therapy or coaching to help him support me at home. Stuff like losing things constantly, forgetting minutia about the kids/house etc.

We didn't know our nanny had ADHD when we hired her, about four months in when we tried to talk with her about her performance she let us know she is ADHD/ASD and partially deaf. She is bonded to our kids though and we had just had a baby so we decided to stick with it and it's been about 18 months. We've mutually decided she needs a better fit and will be leaving after the summer.

This is self-contradictory. In your OP you said you are losing your mind with a DH and kids (and nanny) with ADHD. Now you say he is "functioning" (I think you mean high-functioning?) and he thinks that medication would "alter his abilities." (Yes, that's the point.) If he is losing things constantlly and forgetting minutae about the kids, the house, etc., then he is emphatically *not* high-functioning.

It is completely disrespectful and inconsiderate of him to say he won't seek a dx and medication given that the burden of compensating for his inability to keep his act together falls on you. Why does he think that is ok?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a high-performing, unmedicated ADHD woman, I can tell you that I was attracted to DH in part because of his meticulous spreadsheets, color-coded closet, and planning skills. He's probably borderline OCD in the same ways. How self-aware is your spouse? I have learned to live with checklists I am a minimalist, so everything has a spot. I have air tags on most things. I get help with calendaring things at work. I don't hire anyone with ADHD themselves, certainly not my nanny. Mine has very strong executive functioning skills. One kid is doing fine with medication and sports. The other one is closer to your kids' ages and may not need medication. That one also gets lots of sports, and I teach reading and math at home as I don't think much of what is taught as school sinks in.

This is very helpful thank you. DH is very, very functioning which is part of why he is untreated. He thinks medication would alter his abilities. I'm not necessarily pushing for medication, just therapy or coaching to help him support me at home. Stuff like losing things constantly, forgetting minutia about the kids/house etc.

We didn't know our nanny had ADHD when we hired her, about four months in when we tried to talk with her about her performance she let us know she is ADHD/ASD and partially deaf. She is bonded to our kids though and we had just had a baby so we decided to stick with it and it's been about 18 months. We've mutually decided she needs a better fit and will be leaving after the summer.

Well he's not "very, very functioning" if he's losing things constantly.

Why do you say "support me at home"? Are you a SAHM or work part-time? If you work full-time, he needs to be pulling his weight as a parent not just "helping" you.

I think a big part of this process is you opening your eyes to exactly how impaired your DH and nanny are.

He's very high functioning at work; this is why he's been able to skate by, especially with me picking up the slack. Yes I work full time. Pulling his weight is exactly what I am asking for help with here. How do I get him to do that? Do you have a spouse with adhd and have tips?

Divide and conquer. I'm the woman with ADHD above. I manage the kids' activities, camps, school meetings, etc. I also manage our nanny. I make checklists for our nanny, and she catches things I've missed in them. For example, if ballet shoes don't fit after the summer, she notices and sends me a link. She also does the kids' laundry and keeps their closets and toys tidy and organized. DH will also pick up on things because he knows he should read school emails. For example, the other day, he reminded me it was a crazy hair day. I would have probably missed that. DH manages everything related to the house (cleaner, gardener, repairs, utility bills), our cars, travel, concerts, and other events. We have a shared Excel spreadsheet with lots of tabs.

I don't have advice on how to fix things from where they are, as we naturally fell into this pattern. To help your DH not lose things, I would declutter as much as possible and have one specific place for things like keys, wallets, electronics, and sunglasses. Could you make sure your DH and nanny understand the system?

The fact that your nanny manages this makes me want to cry, it's so far beyond the abilities of ours. For example I have asked her a million times to have the kids bring their backpacks and lunch boxes in after school. They never do, the car is always a mess of trash and kids stuff. I realize we should have let her go a long time ago but it's very hard to find childcare in our area (not dc) and we really needed someone.

I guess my biggest issue is that I HAVE systems for everything, no one follows them. We have a place for everything, no one uses them. So it's either me 1. Spending all my time reminding people or 2. Me doing it myself or 3. No one doing it, life sliding into chaos.

I think I really just need to have a CTJ talk with DH and say I'm really at the end of my rope here.

I pay our nanny above average. I laid out expectations in her contract around tidying, cleaning, organizing, homework, and the kids' laundry. I had to train her on certain things, like just don't leave for the day until everything is wiped down and put away, even if I come home. Stay and finish the job. For the first two months, I printed a detailed daily checklist for her. It set expectations. It was probably annoying to her to be micromanaged, but again, I paid her above average for putting up with me.

Is there anything you can delegate to your husband to ease the resentment?

Accepting imperfection is key. Along with not creating the expectation that I’m going to fill every gap.

We have a nice life. Look for the good of it’s there.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a high-performing, unmedicated ADHD woman, I can tell you that I was attracted to DH in part because of his meticulous spreadsheets, color-coded closet, and planning skills. He's probably borderline OCD in the same ways. How self-aware is your spouse? I have learned to live with checklists I am a minimalist, so everything has a spot. I have air tags on most things. I get help with calendaring things at work. I don't hire anyone with ADHD themselves, certainly not my nanny. Mine has very strong executive functioning skills. One kid is doing fine with medication and sports. The other one is closer to your kids' ages and may not need medication. That one also gets lots of sports, and I teach reading and math at home as I don't think much of what is taught as school sinks in.

This is very helpful thank you. DH is very, very functioning which is part of why he is untreated. He thinks medication would alter his abilities. I'm not necessarily pushing for medication, just therapy or coaching to help him support me at home. Stuff like losing things constantly, forgetting minutia about the kids/house etc.

We didn't know our nanny had ADHD when we hired her, about four months in when we tried to talk with her about her performance she let us know she is ADHD/ASD and partially deaf. She is bonded to our kids though and we had just had a baby so we decided to stick with it and it's been about 18 months. We've mutually decided she needs a better fit and will be leaving after the summer.

Well he's not "very, very functioning" if he's losing things constantly.

Why do you say "support me at home"? Are you a SAHM or work part-time? If you work full-time, he needs to be pulling his weight as a parent not just "helping" you.

I think a big part of this process is you opening your eyes to exactly how impaired your DH and nanny are.

He's very high functioning at work; this is why he's been able to skate by, especially with me picking up the slack. Yes I work full time. Pulling his weight is exactly what I am asking for help with here. How do I get him to do that? Do you have a spouse with adhd and have tips?

Divide and conquer. I'm the woman with ADHD above. I manage the kids' activities, camps, school meetings, etc. I also manage our nanny. I make checklists for our nanny, and she catches things I've missed in them. For example, if ballet shoes don't fit after the summer, she notices and sends me a link. She also does the kids' laundry and keeps their closets and toys tidy and organized. DH will also pick up on things because he knows he should read school emails. For example, the other day, he reminded me it was a crazy hair day. I would have probably missed that. DH manages everything related to the house (cleaner, gardener, repairs, utility bills), our cars, travel, concerts, and other events. We have a shared Excel spreadsheet with lots of tabs.

I don't have advice on how to fix things from where they are, as we naturally fell into this pattern. To help your DH not lose things, I would declutter as much as possible and have one specific place for things like keys, wallets, electronics, and sunglasses. Could you make sure your DH and nanny understand the system?

The fact that your nanny manages this makes me want to cry, it's so far beyond the abilities of ours. For example I have asked her a million times to have the kids bring their backpacks and lunch boxes in after school. They never do, the car is always a mess of trash and kids stuff. I realize we should have let her go a long time ago but it's very hard to find childcare in our area (not dc) and we really needed someone.

I guess my biggest issue is that I HAVE systems for everything, no one follows them. We have a place for everything, no one uses them. So it's either me 1. Spending all my time reminding people or 2. Me doing it myself or 3. No one doing it, life sliding into chaos.

I think I really just need to have a CTJ talk with DH and say I'm really at the end of my rope here.

Let go of your systems and set expectations. Let your ADHD family create their own systems. It will feel worse, but then it will get better.

But you have to let some things fail before it clicks to others and they become intrinsically motivated to manage.

Anonymous wrote:Your husband should try medicication. You should drop the rope with your MIL, and get another nanny if this one is more trouble than she's worth.

This X10000.

OP, if people are not cooperating with your systems, you need to re-think your systems. Set up your systems to anticipate people being lazy and forgetful, that's the fundamental premise here.

I would suggest you get rid of a lot of the objects in your house. Have your DH take the big kids out during the baby's naptime each weekend. Lie down for 30 minutes and devote the rest of the time to getting rid of things from your house. Doesn't matter what. Just get a big cardboard box and fill it, then take it to Goodwill. Then repeat.

At least you don't have it too! In our house we all have it! We parents are good at our jobs, struggle on the home front, but help each other meet important personal deadlines. One of us pays taxes, the other handles medical appointments and school enrollments.

Lots of resources here

https://www.additudemag.com/

I have a husband with ADD/ASD, a son with ADD/ASD, and compared to those two, I am the executive marvel, with my mild symptoms of ADD. My daughter is also quite organized and a decent time manager.

So I don't know what to tell you, OP, except that we're missed a plane due to my husband's inability to leave on time, he never pays the taxes on time, he's been fired from jobs... and my son has double time and a slew of accommodations in school and I wonder how he'll cope in the workplace as an adult.

I cannot lift everyone up.
My son is medicated and tries his best.
My husband refuses to medicate himself - this is a source of contention, obviously.

We lead a small life with the minimum of activities and appointments. My husband is underemployed and underpaid. Because of this, we can't outsource anything, and we do everything ourselves. The house is always a cluttered mess, because my husband is also a borderline hoarder.

I think you can hire a more competent nanny and it will perhaps help. Drop as many items off your to-do list as you possibly can. Right now some of our grass stalks have sprouted. The neighbors are very kind and forgiving, and don't mind. We're not mowing today. I have too many fires to put out, and my husband... won't do it today.

People with ADHD are not stupid and they are not helpless. Many lead highly successful lives. While they certainly have challenges, there are strategies and medications which can help.

There are some good suggestions on this thread. The adults in your life that should be helping you need some accountability. It is tempting to let others take care of the unpleasant parts of running a house. Your job is to focus their attention on it so they can’t avoid it. Cut back, on stuff, on outside obligations, and most importantly, on the devices in your home. iPads and IPhones and video games are constantly tempting to the ADHD brain - just get rid of them.