Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does your dh allow her to be mean to you? I don’t get why he isn’t shutting this down and standing up to her

He probably agrees.

OP here. He has confronted her over what he and I heard directly with our own ears. He said if she chooses to talk badly about any member of our family in our own home, they can no longer visit our home. He also said that if she chooses to talk badly about any of our family in her home or on vacation or whatever, we will leave.

And then he hears from his cousin and others the thing she says about me at their houses or at restaurants, etc.

The things she generally has a problem with is that I don’t share her exact denomination of religion, and I don’t entertain in precisely the same way she does. DH and I work together on holiday celebrations and hosting, and she can’t get over that we don’t embrace the Santa tradition, even though we do celebrate Christmas. It’s just petty, silly things like that and she makes it a huge deal and tries to undermine and subvert and do things her way. DH used to incorporate certain traditions from his childhood so it’s not like it was “all my way,” but over time we’ve made our own way and she can’t get over the differences. She can’t get over that I’m not her exact same denomination. It’s hurtful.

Wait...Santa isn't religious...

Anonymous wrote:MIL has said horrible things about me to SIL, SIL’s husband, DH, FIL’s cousin, DH’s cousin, and other relatives who have told me what she said. I have also overheard her say nasty things about me. Once, she didn’t realize a voice mail was still recording, and she bad-mouthed me to her husband. Another time, she was a guest in my home, staying in the basement bedroom, not realizing that the air vents are such so that you can hear conversation in the living room; DH heard what she said, too.

And yet she texts me “Happy Mother’s Day” every year. It’s so damn fake. Can I simply ignore. I hate how she intrudes upon my day with her false greetings. Last year I relplied “Have a good day” and she then texted DH to complain about that. I’m thinking about blocking her for a few days so I don’t have to think about it.

How did he respond? I think this is key to answering how you go forward from here.

Anonymous wrote:MIL has said horrible things about me to SIL, SIL’s husband, DH, FIL’s cousin, DH’s cousin, and other relatives who have told me what she said. I have also overheard her say nasty things about me. Once, she didn’t realize a voice mail was still recording, and she bad-mouthed me to her husband. Another time, she was a guest in my home, staying in the basement bedroom, not realizing that the air vents are such so that you can hear conversation in the living room; DH heard what she said, too.

And yet she texts me “Happy Mother’s Day” every year. It’s so damn fake. Can I simply ignore. I hate how she intrudes upon my day with her false greetings. Last year I relplied “Have a good day” and she then texted DH to complain about that. I’m thinking about blocking her for a few days so I don’t have to think about it.

For Mother’s Day, give yourself the gift of permanently blocking her number and never speaking to her again.

Tell the other relatives you don’t give a crap what she says about you bc she’s dead to you.

Cut all contact between her and your kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just reply “you too” and move on with life. Honestly you are letting her win by letting her life rent free in your head this much.

This is the best response.

I wouldn’t wish her HMD, that’s her son’s job and she clearly is being insincere. I would respond “Have a great day” and leave it at that.

Anonymous wrote:PP long post married almost 30 years. 👵🏼

Key is to remain polite to and about MIL. Your DC will grow to realize exactly how she is-and form their own opinions.Do not attempt to manage DC relationship with their grandmother, either - as young children and most certainly not as older/young or full fledged adults.

DH can drive them to see her, insist they call her, take them for visits, provide grandmother their school/sports/activities schedules and provide all gifts and school photos. Not your mother, not your relationship to manage.

I’m proud to say that although I have very strong feelings about my MIL and she’s been rude and hurtful to me many, many times, I have never been anything but polite (ok, maybe aloof and bland) in her presence and in speaking with her. I’ve walked away in tears. I’ve become angry and frustrated and upset, but she could never say that I’m disrespectful or mean.

Also I have a profound sense of relief; my MIL has developed a hearing and speech disorder and just got hearing aids. We’re all noticing that for the first time ever, she’s become a great listener and a woman of few(er) words. Funny and sad, but true - she’s nearly a delight now!

She’s lost some of her power and must now depend on others. Age is the great equalizer.

Anonymous wrote:Just reply “you too” and move on with life. Honestly you are letting her win by letting her life rent free in your head this much.

This is the best response.

I don't care about my MIL's gossip and never did. We see her once a year. She's getting old, and she's needy, so she's never held any power over me. Sending fake texts back and forth on holidays is no skin off my back.

Let him deal with her 100% see how that works for her.

PP long post married almost 30 years. 👵🏼

Key is to remain polite to and about MIL. Your DC will grow to realize exactly how she is-and form their own opinions.Do not attempt to manage DC relationship with their grandmother, either - as young children and most certainly not as older/young or full fledged adults.

DH can drive them to see her, insist they call her, take them for visits, provide grandmother their school/sports/activities schedules and provide all gifts and school photos. Not your mother, not your relationship to manage.

I’m proud to say that although I have very strong feelings about my MIL and she’s been rude and hurtful to me many, many times, I have never been anything but polite (ok, maybe aloof and bland) in her presence and in speaking with her. I’ve walked away in tears. I’ve become angry and frustrated and upset, but she could never say that I’m disrespectful or mean.

Also I have a profound sense of relief; my MIL has developed a hearing and speech disorder and just got hearing aids. We’re all noticing that for the first time ever, she’s become a great listener and a woman of few(er) words. Funny and sad, but true - she’s nearly a delight now!

I would be concerned about all the people MIL is talking smack about you to who then feel compelled to breathlessly repeat every terrible thing she said. It would almost seem they agree with MIL.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does your dh allow her to be mean to you? I don’t get why he isn’t shutting this down and standing up to her

He probably agrees.

OP here. He has confronted her over what he and I heard directly with our own ears. He said if she chooses to talk badly about any member of our family in our own home, they can no longer visit our home. He also said that if she chooses to talk badly about any of our family in her home or on vacation or whatever, we will leave.

And then he hears from his cousin and others the thing she says about me at their houses or at restaurants, etc.

The things she generally has a problem with is that I don’t share her exact denomination of religion, and I don’t entertain in precisely the same way she does. DH and I work together on holiday celebrations and hosting, and she can’t get over that we don’t embrace the Santa tradition, even though we do celebrate Christmas. It’s just petty, silly things like that and she makes it a huge deal and tries to undermine and subvert and do things her way. DH used to incorporate certain traditions from his childhood so it’s not like it was “all my way,” but over time we’ve made our own way and she can’t get over the differences. She can’t get over that I’m not her exact same denomination. It’s hurtful.

I mean, I get that no one should ever say anything bad about anyone, but your MIL doesn't sound cruel. She sounds like she has no filter. Sometimes there is a difference. It is unusual to celebrate Christmas but not Santa/Father Christmas. She's venting her disappointment. And at some point she will die.

I would just ignore. These are not the details I care about.

But maybe I'm not correctly gauging how nagging and relentless the comments are? In that case, the problem is that she just can't shut up. Don't invite her as much. Talkative people are exhausting

Anonymous wrote:DW of almost 30 years to a complete PITA, local MIL, Queen of Gossip, Rude Outbursts & Passive Aggressive, Sarcastic Comments.

Here’s advice I learned here on dcum and forever grateful: go Gray Rock. Read and learn but this was a way forward and a huge relief for me. Changed my perspective and lessened my anxiety!

Do NOT share anything with your MIL - nothing about your thoughts, feelings, schedule, family life, details about DC. Keep all interactions polite, but truly surface. Combine this with another term I learned from dcum: drop the rope! Do not purchase gifts for her, initiate phone calls (or engage on social media), decide if you feel like seeing her (you stay behind and have DC/DH visit and or visit without you. Disengage. Don’t provide gossip fodder. Ask DH to not disclose your or DC personal health info to MIL.

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

This. Did this with my own narcissistic mother. You will be amazed how freeing it is when you do this and then genuinely stop caring at all about what she does or says.

Anonymous wrote:DW of almost 30 years to a complete PITA, local MIL, Queen of Gossip, Rude Outbursts & Passive Aggressive, Sarcastic Comments.

Here’s advice I learned here on dcum and forever grateful: go Gray Rock. Read and learn but this was a way forward and a huge relief for me. Changed my perspective and lessened my anxiety!

Do NOT share anything with your MIL - nothing about your thoughts, feelings, schedule, family life, details about DC. Keep all interactions polite, but truly surface. Combine this with another term I learned from dcum: drop the rope! Do not purchase gifts for her, initiate phone calls (or engage on social media), decide if you feel like seeing her (you stay behind and have DC/DH visit and or visit without you. Disengage. Don’t provide gossip fodder. Ask DH to not disclose your or DC personal health info to MIL.

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.

+10000 yup THIS. I tried to explain the same thing but lol you did it better PP!

She's fake, be fake right back. I can't stand people like that and my MIL is the same way talks bad about me like that. Then she's so fake with her son acting like she likes me but to everyone else I'm terrible. I stopped everything with her it's been nice. Also her son, my DH has given her less attention not because of her crap talking (his mom is perfect right?!) but because out of sight out of mind. So he's faded into the background but she also lives a few hundred miles away. LET him deal with his mom and see how far that goes Trust me on this.

DW of almost 30 years to a complete PITA, local MIL, Queen of Gossip, Rude Outbursts & Passive Aggressive, Sarcastic Comments.

Here’s advice I learned here on dcum and forever grateful: go Gray Rock. Read and learn but this was a way forward and a huge relief for me. Changed my perspective and lessened my anxiety!

Do NOT share anything with your MIL - nothing about your thoughts, feelings, schedule, family life, details about DC. Keep all interactions polite, but truly surface. Combine this with another term I learned from dcum: drop the rope! Do not purchase gifts for her, initiate phone calls (or engage on social media), decide if you feel like seeing her (you stay behind and have DC/DH visit and or visit without you. Disengage. Don’t provide gossip fodder. Ask DH to not disclose your or DC personal health info to MIL.

Thanks for coming to my TedTalk.