Anonymous wrote:Good role models. Hardworking parents.

This is important but doesn’t always work. Sometimes it’s not enough.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't think "raising winners" is a smart goal. In part because of what people have mentioned on here -- how do you instill grit and determination, especially if you have provided your kids' with a pretty privileged life thanks your own success (or unearned privilege, depending on the situation)? I think people who are very hard on their privileged kids run the risk of alienating them completely and making them not even want their lifestyle. It's this very hard line to walk and also children are different and you never know how one will react compared to another.

If you make "winning" your goal, I think there are too many things that can go wrong. I understand wanting children who will be self-sufficient, goal-oriented, and successful. Everyone wants this for their children to some degree or another. But thinking of it as "winning" puts a lot of pressure on it that I think will steer you strong.

But I do believe, supported by both evidence from my own life, observation of others, and psychological studies, that people do best in life when they feel comfortable in their own skin, accepted and loved by their support system, and feel like they have agency in they own lives. Is this the way to make an investment banker? Probably not, no. But if you can love and support your kids, provide firm boundaries and guidance, and allow them independence to be their own people, I think you have the best shot at them becoming adults who will be able to set and achieve their goals (or recalibrate when necessary in the face of failure, instead of melting down)

.

THIS! I live in Mclean and the number of "failure to launch" adult children around me who had helicopter/tiger parents who pushed pushed pushed them and then just... burned out to a fizzle in college/post-grad is pretty significant. Lots of them lost any sense of intrinsic motivation and resent their parents for pushing them so hard.

DP here. Also live in McLean. We have many neighbors, friends and acquaintances who are academically and professionally successful who have kids who are not. My kids are still young so I don’t know how they will turn out. My oldest seems to be on the right trajectory with ambition and strong work ethic. My middle child is smart but not hard working.

Most people we know are successful so the bar is high. We moved from a low SES neighborhood to McLean. In my kids’ circles and classes, many parents are ivy educated and likely earn seven figures. What we consider average is probably still high compared to the rest of the country. Their friends’ parents are lawyers, doctors, executives, successful business owners, entrepreneurs, etc.

What I have been seeing is more kids who go to top colleges and seem to not have a job or not a very good job. We live in a neighborhood with houses that have 15,000sf houses. Several adult kids seem to live home. I don’t know if this is the norm around here. I never went back home after I went to college. My one acquaintance friend told me to never let them move back or they may never move back out again.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think "raising winners" is a smart goal. In part because of what people have mentioned on here -- how do you instill grit and determination, especially if you have provided your kids' with a pretty privileged life thanks your own success (or unearned privilege, depending on the situation)? I think people who are very hard on their privileged kids run the risk of alienating them completely and making them not even want their lifestyle. It's this very hard line to walk and also children are different and you never know how one will react compared to another.

If you make "winning" your goal, I think there are too many things that can go wrong. I understand wanting children who will be self-sufficient, goal-oriented, and successful. Everyone wants this for their children to some degree or another. But thinking of it as "winning" puts a lot of pressure on it that I think will steer you strong.

But I do believe, supported by both evidence from my own life, observation of others, and psychological studies, that people do best in life when they feel comfortable in their own skin, accepted and loved by their support system, and feel like they have agency in they own lives. Is this the way to make an investment banker? Probably not, no. But if you can love and support your kids, provide firm boundaries and guidance, and allow them independence to be their own people, I think you have the best shot at them becoming adults who will be able to set and achieve their goals (or recalibrate when necessary in the face of failure, instead of melting down)

.

THIS! I live in Mclean and the number of "failure to launch" adult children around me who had helicopter/tiger parents who pushed pushed pushed them and then just... burned out to a fizzle in college/post-grad is pretty significant. Lots of them lost any sense of intrinsic motivation and resent their parents for pushing them so hard.

I don't think "raising winners" is a smart goal. In part because of what people have mentioned on here -- how do you instill grit and determination, especially if you have provided your kids' with a pretty privileged life thanks your own success (or unearned privilege, depending on the situation)? I think people who are very hard on their privileged kids run the risk of alienating them completely and making them not even want their lifestyle. It's this very hard line to walk and also children are different and you never know how one will react compared to another.

If you make "winning" your goal, I think there are too many things that can go wrong. I understand wanting children who will be self-sufficient, goal-oriented, and successful. Everyone wants this for their children to some degree or another. But thinking of it as "winning" puts a lot of pressure on it that I think will steer you strong.

But I do believe, supported by both evidence from my own life, observation of others, and psychological studies, that people do best in life when they feel comfortable in their own skin, accepted and loved by their support system, and feel like they have agency in they own lives. Is this the way to make an investment banker? Probably not, no. But if you can love and support your kids, provide firm boundaries and guidance, and allow them independence to be their own people, I think you have the best shot at them becoming adults who will be able to set and achieve their goals (or recalibrate when necessary in the face of failure, instead of melting down).

Build intrinsic motivation. Help them find their own passions and develop their own goals. Talk to them about what they need to do to meet their own goals and how to pick themselves up and try again when (not if) they fail.

Luck guts and smarts ( helps to be ridiculously good looking)

I have three high achieving kids. They have two smart parents and started off being naturally smart. I have heard that mother’s education level and zip code factor in heavily for kid’s success.

Anonymous wrote:Ours get it from their birthright and the exceptional winner example they see in their parents. Helps to be kids of the best.

Hello Harry and Megan.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you raise children that can set, meet goals and succeed in what they want?

By modeling those skills yourself. Your kids learn by watching you.

Many exceptionally privileged people who I know who have successful parents are not exceptional and have struggled with mental health and substance abuse, and even if they seem to have things together (decent job, spouse, kids, lux lifestyle, $2M home) a lot of that is due to the fact that their parents were able to throw money at problems to make those problems go away and then finance their lives as adults.

So many privileged kits lack grit and drive. And maybe some of that is seeing how much their parents sacrificed to get to where they are and deciding they don’t want that life.

I think this is what OP is asking about. When you're kids grow up in a wealthy home, the privilege just comes to them. They don't learn the self-motivated grit that made their parents' successful. How do you teach that, when the kids are cocooned in privilege?

Don’t give them everything they want. Make them do chores. Have them spend time in a different environment- like volunteering somewhere.

Everyone is flaming OP but I worry about this too. I never blame my kids for things they can't help but I am very strict about things that will affect them socially and academically. Neither of my kids are popular, athletic or gifted. So I crack down on rudeness, "shyness" that is really just social laziness, sloppy schoolwork that I know can be done better, gross things like nose-picking, and so on. I also don't let them watch YouTube or have unsupervised Internet access. I feel like a mean mom but I have multiple male relatives who fell into the underachieving video gamer trap.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you raise children that can set, meet goals and succeed in what they want?

By modeling those skills yourself. Your kids learn by watching you.

Many exceptionally privileged people who I know who have successful parents are not exceptional and have struggled with mental health and substance abuse, and even if they seem to have things together (decent job, spouse, kids, lux lifestyle, $2M home) a lot of that is due to the fact that their parents were able to throw money at problems to make those problems go away and then finance their lives as adults.

So many privileged kits lack grit and drive. And maybe some of that is seeing how much their parents sacrificed to get to where they are and deciding they don’t want that life.

I think this is what OP is asking about. When you're kids grow up in a wealthy home, the privilege just comes to them. They don't learn the self-motivated grit that made their parents' successful. How do you teach that, when the kids are cocooned in privilege?

Taking away some of the privilege - being intentional and aware as parents; accepting your children for who they are and encouraging them to pursue a path that they are passionate about that is also financially viable; and allowing your children to fail and learn from mistakes.

You make achievements important. You prioritize education, sports, whatever they are showing interest in and help facilitate them working toward success and improvement.

It isn’t about winning everything or being the best, it’s the work and the process. It’s being motivated to work.

One of the biggest problems with “kids these days” is apathy. They just DGAF- a large number anyway.

Good role models. Hardworking parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How do you raise children that can set, meet goals and succeed in what they want?

By modeling those skills yourself. Your kids learn by watching you.

Many exceptionally privileged people who I know who have successful parents are not exceptional and have struggled with mental health and substance abuse, and even if they seem to have things together (decent job, spouse, kids, lux lifestyle, $2M home) a lot of that is due to the fact that their parents were able to throw money at problems to make those problems go away and then finance their lives as adults.

So many privileged kits lack grit and drive. And maybe some of that is seeing how much their parents sacrificed to get to where they are and deciding they don’t want that life.

I think this is what OP is asking about. When you're kids grow up in a wealthy home, the privilege just comes to them. They don't learn the self-motivated grit that made their parents' successful. How do you teach that, when the kids are cocooned in privilege?

Again, by modeling this. Privilege doesn’t mean you can’t show your kids how to set and meet goals and succeed in what they want. If anything, privilege gives you more time to do that. If you are spending your time away from your kids working in order to give them privilege, then yes, they will turn out wrong because you aren’t around enough to show them how to do it right.

Do you recommend docking their tails or not?