I know plenty of adults like this. They pass it on to their children.

The message from the other girl is loud and clear that she's not interested in friendship, not in a group and not 1:1. Instead of trying to find a way to force her to invite your daughter so as not to be mean, encourage other friendships. Stop waiting for this one girl to do what you want her to do. Friendship has fizzled.

Anonymous wrote:If she allows a friend to treat her like this, she is going to allow romantic partners to do it as well.

That’s not necessarily true. You learn a lot about social development through your friendships. How you act at 14/15 is not necessarily how you will act at 24/25! Teen friendships are a learning opportunity for future relationships. You make mistakes and learn hard lessons when the stakes are lower.

The longtime friend doesn’t feel close to your daughter anymore. It’s not a parent’s job to organize or meddle in invites for teens. Be a listening ear for your daughter as she goes through the end of this friendship and finds new friends. Don’t blame the longtime friend or her parents. This is natural and normal.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t necessarily think this is done to exclude your daughter unless she stopped responding or coming to things your daughter invited her to.
Is this friend even asking or inviting these other friends anywhere or are they inviting her? My daughter rarely makes her own plans but is often invited places by different friends and she attends the gatherings but I don’t encourage her to invite others when she was the invitee. Are these tweens/young teens or older teens? Mine is younger and maybe these are different situations but sometimes a friend will be going to the movies and they will text and say their mom said they could bring 2 friends, and they swing by and pick her up. I wouldn’t think it was appropriate to invite someone else to that but maybe these are older teens.

Younger teens and while she may not be the initiator, she NEVER reaches out to include DD. Some of these activities are within their team, within their neighborhood, very casual etc. I find it to be bad parenting when parents don't remind these young girls that "hey, make sure to text X and see if she'd like to get ice cream after softball too". Dd wants the gesture from said friend more than the actual activity. And like I said, if people from the team are getting a bite, my DD would always include this friend.

Mean parents create mean girls!!! Parents teach your daughters to do better!!!

OP, form everything you said, this other girl feels like she is growing apart from your DD. The friendship has run its course. It happens. My 12 year old has been in the same school K-6 (FCPS, so last year of ES). She has had soooo many different friends over those 7 years. Many girls she was good friends with at some point are still at the same school but they just are not really friends anymore. DD does not dislike them and is always nice and friendly at school, but she does not invite them to anything. Nor do I instruct her to do so. This is not mean. Teachers and parents are always telling me she is always nice to everybody. But the girls she feels closest to have changed several times over the seven years. And that will continue to happen. Unfortunately, while the growing apart is somtimes very mutual, sometimes it is not. And that can hurt. But it does not mean the other girl is mean.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t necessarily think this is done to exclude your daughter unless she stopped responding or coming to things your daughter invited her to.
Is this friend even asking or inviting these other friends anywhere or are they inviting her? My daughter rarely makes her own plans but is often invited places by different friends and she attends the gatherings but I don’t encourage her to invite others when she was the invitee. Are these tweens/young teens or older teens? Mine is younger and maybe these are different situations but sometimes a friend will be going to the movies and they will text and say their mom said they could bring 2 friends, and they swing by and pick her up. I wouldn’t think it was appropriate to invite someone else to that but maybe these are older teens.

Younger teens and while she may not be the initiator, she NEVER reaches out to include DD. Some of these activities are within their team, within their neighborhood, very casual etc. I find it to be bad parenting when parents don't remind these young girls that "hey, make sure to text X and see if she'd like to get ice cream after softball too". Dd wants the gesture from said friend more than the actual activity. And like I said, if people from the team are getting a bite, my DD would always include this friend.

Mean parents create mean girls!!! Parents teach your daughters to do better!!!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does the longtime friend initiate with other friends or does she wait for your child to organize? Basically, is your child her only friend? Your child can top including her. IF she asks why, your DD can say, “Since you never organize, I thought you really didn’t care for the group.”

Longtime friend does stuff with other friends (not clear who there is organizing) but those activities will never include DD (even if logically they could include her. Example: doing specific activities with other members of their shared activity (a sport). Conversely,my DD always includes her. It has come to the point where longtime friend is now turning down activities with DD when DD initiates.

The longtime friend is not inviting DD and has started turning down DD's invites? The longtime friend is trying to fade from the friendship. Probably she has a new circle of friends and wants to shift to them without including your DD.

To be clear, this sucks. I am sure your DD is lovely and deserving of good friends. But someone who doesn't invite you to things AND declines invites when you invite them is not a good friend. I would suggest to DD that she should focus her energy on people who seem enthusiastic about spending time with her, and that if this friend doesn't seem interested or is hard to convince to hang out, that is a sign it is time to move on.

I wish my parents had explained stuff like this to me when I was a teen. I didn't get it until my 30s. A friend is someone who *wants* to spend time with you. Also, investing a lot of time and energy in friendships where you often feel bad (because you are excluded, because your friend doesn't seem to like you that much, because they bail on you or cancel a lot) is a waste of time you could be spending on friends who enjoy your company.

I am certain your DD can find friends who will want to hang out. But she needs to let go of this one friend who doesn't, even if they've known each other a long time. Who knows, they might find each other again. This could be a phase. But fixating on this friendship or trying to force this girl to spend more time with your DD is not going to bring anyone happiness. Your DD deserves better.

time to ghost the “long time friend”. it’s over.

I think longtime friend is generally out of touch but not malicious/intending to exclude. All that said, it still feels badly for my DD who would love to be included in group plans or what have you

Anonymous wrote:If she allows a friend to treat her like this, she is going to allow romantic partners to do it as well.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD has a long time, very close friend. Friend never invites or includes her in activities that involve other friends. DD is always the one to initiate plans and will include friend in plans that involve others. DD is starting to get bothered by this. What advice to give?

She will be able to find better friends that let her hangout with her and are not embarrassed by her.

OP here. I don't think it's an issue of being "embarrassed by her" but more one of lack of social graces or social skills to say "hey, let's invite Larla too". Parents lack social graces to help this whereas as I am the type of parent who will remind DD 'hey, invite xyz too since they like xyz activity".

Is the friend initiating these other get togethers? Or just an invitee herself?

I wouldn’t necessarily think this is done to exclude your daughter unless she stopped responding or coming to things your daughter invited her to.
Is this friend even asking or inviting these other friends anywhere or are they inviting her? My daughter rarely makes her own plans but is often invited places by different friends and she attends the gatherings but I don’t encourage her to invite others when she was the invitee. Are these tweens/young teens or older teens? Mine is younger and maybe these are different situations but sometimes a friend will be going to the movies and they will text and say their mom said they could bring 2 friends, and they swing by and pick her up. I wouldn’t think it was appropriate to invite someone else to that but maybe these are older teens.

If she allows a friend to treat her like this, she is going to allow romantic partners to do it as well.

Anonymous wrote:It's clear to me that the longtime friend is trying to politely detach from your daughter. I'm sorry if this hurts your daughter, OP. My son was on the receiving end of rejections like these, and it's never pleasant. However, this is very common during adolescence as kids mature at different rates, develop different interests and find new friend groups.

Help your daughter cope by inviting other people.

Me again. The longtime friend is NOT in the wrong, here. These things just happen.

It's clear to me that the longtime friend is trying to politely detach from your daughter. I'm sorry if this hurts your daughter, OP. My son was on the receiving end of rejections like these, and it's never pleasant. However, this is very common during adolescence as kids mature at different rates, develop different interests and find new friend groups.

Help your daughter cope by inviting other people.