Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does her dad suggest you do?

Her dad is "looking forward to seeing us," hasn't made any preferences or objections known. We have a cordial but not close relationship with him. Since this is an anonymous forum and the family dynamics are pertinent, I'll share that he and my sister have always had a volatile relationship with a lot of yelling and drama, and I'm hoping they get through this in the best possible way for them and their children, whatever that ends up looking like.

OMG OP you forgot your own story. What a troll thread.

OP here... which part did I forget?

My elderly parents
My daughter
Me
Sister
Sister's husband (the her dad I was referring to)
Sister's kids -- various genders

Is it because I wrote "her dad" instead of "his dad"? The question I was answering said "her dad" and that's how I replied without thinking about it, because there are nieces as well as nephews. Or was that not about my BIL?

You sound awful. I'd love to know your parenting mistakes because you are doing a whole lot of looking down on others. I think everyone would be better off if you stay home. Obviously your superiority is going to make it so you can't actually support your sister.

DP. I think you need to leave this thread.

The loss of a child is traumatic for the entire family. Most of all for the immediate family, but also for the extended family. Grief brings up a lot of feelings. OP is having feelings, that is normal. You know who is not grieving? The random DCUM posters responding to OP. Stop bullying a person going through a traumatic loss.

This.

OP doesn't seem to be grieving...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does her dad suggest you do?

Her dad is "looking forward to seeing us," hasn't made any preferences or objections known. We have a cordial but not close relationship with him. Since this is an anonymous forum and the family dynamics are pertinent, I'll share that he and my sister have always had a volatile relationship with a lot of yelling and drama, and I'm hoping they get through this in the best possible way for them and their children, whatever that ends up looking like.

OMG OP you forgot your own story. What a troll thread.

OP here... which part did I forget?

My elderly parents
My daughter
Me
Sister
Sister's husband (the her dad I was referring to)
Sister's kids -- various genders

Is it because I wrote "her dad" instead of "his dad"? The question I was answering said "her dad" and that's how I replied without thinking about it, because there are nieces as well as nephews. Or was that not about my BIL?

You sound awful. I'd love to know your parenting mistakes because you are doing a whole lot of looking down on others. I think everyone would be better off if you stay home. Obviously your superiority is going to make it so you can't actually support your sister.

DP. I think you need to leave this thread.

The loss of a child is traumatic for the entire family. Most of all for the immediate family, but also for the extended family. Grief brings up a lot of feelings. OP is having feelings, that is normal. You know who is not grieving? The random DCUM posters responding to OP. Stop bullying a person going through a traumatic loss.

This.

OP, I'd do what is appropriate to support your sister and her family in this tragic time, esp since you could not be there during the funeral.

I'd also give some real thought to your family dynamics of judging, being superior, etc. That family members are saying "told you so!" to you re: a dead RELATIVE/CHILD! is important to note. You shutting that down within yourself and if it arises again, with them, can be an important shift in a prior pattern. We can't always prevent tragedy, much as we think being judgy is a shield. Basic human decency is pretty clear here. Sometimes bad things happen. It's part of life. Sad that attacking a bereaved family who lost a CHILD is your extended families response. Sit with the fear and grief that tragedy can and has struck and extend compassion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does her dad suggest you do?

Her dad is "looking forward to seeing us," hasn't made any preferences or objections known. We have a cordial but not close relationship with him. Since this is an anonymous forum and the family dynamics are pertinent, I'll share that he and my sister have always had a volatile relationship with a lot of yelling and drama, and I'm hoping they get through this in the best possible way for them and their children, whatever that ends up looking like.

OMG OP you forgot your own story. What a troll thread.

OP here... which part did I forget?

My elderly parents
My daughter
Me
Sister
Sister's husband (the her dad I was referring to)
Sister's kids -- various genders

Is it because I wrote "her dad" instead of "his dad"? The question I was answering said "her dad" and that's how I replied without thinking about it, because there are nieces as well as nephews. Or was that not about my BIL?

You sound awful. I'd love to know your parenting mistakes because you are doing a whole lot of looking down on others. I think everyone would be better off if you stay home. Obviously your superiority is going to make it so you can't actually support your sister.

DP. I think you need to leave this thread.

The loss of a child is traumatic for the entire family. Most of all for the immediate family, but also for the extended family. Grief brings up a lot of feelings. OP is having feelings, that is normal. You know who is not grieving? The random DCUM posters responding to OP. Stop bullying a person going through a traumatic loss.

This is a relatable thread in some ways. It's hard when a family has drama and hard feelings, then something happens that requires you to suck it up and be the better person. Going back to your original question about how to manage your emotions while you're there, just keep reminding yourself that it's only a visit and it's the right thing to do.

I'm sure both you and your sister have faults. Maybe you're both terrible people, we don't know, who cares. What's important is that you're trying not to be a terrible person when you visit because, as you say, this isn't about you. Good for you for recognizing that. The rest is irrelevant under the circumstances.

OP, your dislike, disdain, and pure hatred against your sister means you should own it and not go.

You are blaming her for the death of that child, and gossiping about it behind her back. You’re fuelling the fire that it’s her fault, and it’s not. Tragic things happen. Extreme sports are dangerous, but it’s not less tragic when a death happens. I know of kids that have died horseback riding, been paralyzed from gymnastics, or had heart attacks on the football field. My own twin brother died of SIDS. Was my mother to blame for putting him to sleep that night?

Now, the racism thing is a little harder. You’re lashing out because your child is hurt, wondering if they’re talking about her behind her back, but don’t realize her response is because you talk sh$t about your family behind THEIR backs?

I’m not sure Of the slur or the context, but in the case of a one off from a teen with horrified parents, I’d say some education is what’s needed. No, it’s not up to anyone to educate people on how to not be racist (or any other kind of -ist), but education can go a long way to eliminating the impact that you talk about. It shouldn’t be so confusing, but to a teenager who hears certain slurs in songs or on social
Media, they may not really get how harmful words in the real world and out of context can be. I’m sorry his apology didn’t suit, but it also may be he’s a teenage boy who
Isn’t supposed to have feelings to start with, feeling guilty and confused and not knowing HOW to apologize to your daughter. No amount of coaching by his parents is going to hit home in the way a peer’s side of things is going to. I don’t know any teenage boy who is going to say anything meaningful with an audience of 4 angry parents watching over him.

Skip the funeral. You’re too invested in the negative to make a meaningful impact. You only want to go to save YOUR face, and that’s a shifty position for someone trying to pretend they’re all Puppies and rainbows.

OP, your feelings of moral superiority are on full display. You think you're better than all of them. And if you are miffed that your sister and her family are talking about you and your daughter behind your back, that is exactly what you are doing here. And I doubt it is just here you are saying things. I'm sure it comes across loud and clear that you think your sister is a bad person and bad mom. No one is ever 100% right. There is a lifetime of baggage between you two and you are condensing it down to just this.

Definitely go because none of this is about you. A family member has lost her child. That is all that matters at this point.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does her dad suggest you do?

Her dad is "looking forward to seeing us," hasn't made any preferences or objections known. We have a cordial but not close relationship with him. Since this is an anonymous forum and the family dynamics are pertinent, I'll share that he and my sister have always had a volatile relationship with a lot of yelling and drama, and I'm hoping they get through this in the best possible way for them and their children, whatever that ends up looking like.

OMG OP you forgot your own story. What a troll thread.

OP here... which part did I forget?

My elderly parents
My daughter
Me
Sister
Sister's husband (the her dad I was referring to)
Sister's kids -- various genders

Is it because I wrote "her dad" instead of "his dad"? The question I was answering said "her dad" and that's how I replied without thinking about it, because there are nieces as well as nephews. Or was that not about my BIL?

You sound awful. I'd love to know your parenting mistakes because you are doing a whole lot of looking down on others. I think everyone would be better off if you stay home. Obviously your superiority is going to make it so you can't actually support your sister.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does her dad suggest you do?

Her dad is "looking forward to seeing us," hasn't made any preferences or objections known. We have a cordial but not close relationship with him. Since this is an anonymous forum and the family dynamics are pertinent, I'll share that he and my sister have always had a volatile relationship with a lot of yelling and drama, and I'm hoping they get through this in the best possible way for them and their children, whatever that ends up looking like.

OMG OP you forgot your own story. What a troll thread.

OP here... which part did I forget?

My elderly parents
My daughter
Me
Sister
Sister's husband (the her dad I was referring to)
Sister's kids -- various genders

Is it because I wrote "her dad" instead of "his dad"? The question I was answering said "her dad" and that's how I replied without thinking about it, because there are nieces as well as nephews. Or was that not about my BIL?

Only a true narcissist and tone deaf person can make a child's death about themselves. I bet OP is far from a stellar parent too

Anonymous wrote: Very weak response on your part. You know your sister. You should have reassured your kid with a strong NO. You sound like you were playing the role of a friend stuck in the middle of a conflict who doesn’t really like the mutual friend, like you were stirring things up.

Fair. However, a more honest reply would have been "Look, I'm not sure, because other relatives have said they've made very critical comments about both of us concerning issues not related to race. Their reponse made it seem like they probably don't talk like that about us, but I'm actually not 100% sure there."

Anonymous wrote:Don’t bother going. It’s obvious you despise your sister and her family. She doesn’t need you in her life.

DP. The sister and her family sound like a mess. Why shouldn’t OP despise them? Are you also messy? Is that why you’re accusing OP and defending the sister?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does her dad suggest you do?

Her dad is "looking forward to seeing us," hasn't made any preferences or objections known. We have a cordial but not close relationship with him. Since this is an anonymous forum and the family dynamics are pertinent, I'll share that he and my sister have always had a volatile relationship with a lot of yelling and drama, and I'm hoping they get through this in the best possible way for them and their children, whatever that ends up looking like.

OMG OP you forgot your own story. What a troll thread.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Plan something to say to relatives who approach you? "I understand where you are coming from, but I'm not ready to have this conversation. I just want to focus on helping my sister and her family grieve."

On another note, did you ever address the racial slur issue with your sister/their child?

The moment my daughter told me, I called my sister and told her. To her credit, both she and her husband were horrified. Not to their credit, they have apparently never taught their children how to make a good apology. Many days later they dragged the kid over and thrust the kid into the room where my daughter was reading a book; the kid mumbled "Sorry" and backed away. My sister and her husband believe that this was a sufficient apology.

I haven't spoken with the child directly about it because I was frankly too mad to trust myself not to say more than I should when the kid came over, and afterward I was on board with the idea of just not seeing them again. Racists do not deserve our time. I know the kid is a kid but the principle remains. My sister and I have never been close, so this wasn't an earthshaking or difficult decision.

Long after the apology, my daughter asked me if I thought the kid got it from the parents, that is, "if they're all talking about me like that behind my back." I said I'd be extremely surprised by that, especially given how shocked and appalled they were when I told them what the kid said. My sister happened to mention in a text shortly thereafter that she thought the whole thing was "between the kids" and resolved, and I said it's not though, because here's what my daughter just asked me about you. My sister never responded to that text.

Very weak response on your part. You know your sister. You should have reassured your kid with a strong NO. You sound like you were playing the role of a friend stuck in the middle of a conflict who doesn’t really like the mutual friend, like you were stirring things up.

Anonymous wrote:What does her dad suggest you do?

Her dad is "looking forward to seeing us," hasn't made any preferences or objections known. We have a cordial but not close relationship with him. Since this is an anonymous forum and the family dynamics are pertinent, I'll share that he and my sister have always had a volatile relationship with a lot of yelling and drama, and I'm hoping they get through this in the best possible way for them and their children, whatever that ends up looking like.