Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The folks interpreting “what did you learn” as “what did you do wrong” are hardcore projecting. I’ve learned significant things in life from experiences that helped me grow, both positive and negative. That’s how I would interpret that question. OP has every right to understand this guy’s past if he wants a future (or even a present) with her.

OP if he can’t engage in respectful conversation about his past and isn’t helping you understand, he’s not ready to date.

Re: the “baggage” term, come on people. We’re grownups, we all have it.

Op here. Exactly thank you. There are some ultra sensitive people on this board. I am very direct with my questions when getting to know someone and I don't mind talking to him about any past relationships. I believe all interactions and people we meet teach us life lessons. And yes kids are baggage for a childless person because you're dealing with the ex spouse. This man isn't my only option but I'm giving him a chance because I like him. I have reservations though.

You need to not date anyone with children with this attitude. Dump the guy and move on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The folks interpreting “what did you learn” as “what did you do wrong” are hardcore projecting. I’ve learned significant things in life from experiences that helped me grow, both positive and negative. That’s how I would interpret that question. OP has every right to understand this guy’s past if he wants a future (or even a present) with her.

OP if he can’t engage in respectful conversation about his past and isn’t helping you understand, he’s not ready to date.

Re: the “baggage” term, come on people. We’re grownups, we all have it.

Op here. Exactly thank you. There are some ultra sensitive people on this board. I am very direct with my questions when getting to know someone and I don't mind talking to him about any past relationships. I believe all interactions and people we meet teach us life lessons. And yes kids are baggage for a childless person because you're dealing with the ex spouse. This man isn't my only option but I'm giving him a chance because I like him. I have reservations though.

Children are people. If you refer to them as inanimate objects, please don't take someone with children.

Anonymous wrote:The folks interpreting “what did you learn” as “what did you do wrong” are hardcore projecting. I’ve learned significant things in life from experiences that helped me grow, both positive and negative. That’s how I would interpret that question. OP has every right to understand this guy’s past if he wants a future (or even a present) with her.

OP if he can’t engage in respectful conversation about his past and isn’t helping you understand, he’s not ready to date.

Re: the “baggage” term, come on people. We’re grownups, we all have it.

Op here. Exactly thank you. There are some ultra sensitive people on this board. I am very direct with my questions when getting to know someone and I don't mind talking to him about any past relationships. I believe all interactions and people we meet teach us life lessons. And yes kids are baggage for a childless person because you're dealing with the ex spouse. This man isn't my only option but I'm giving him a chance because I like him. I have reservations though.

Pretty sure he cheated. Run!

The folks interpreting “what did you learn” as “what did you do wrong” are hardcore projecting. I’ve learned significant things in life from experiences that helped me grow, both positive and negative. That’s how I would interpret that question. OP has every right to understand this guy’s past if he wants a future (or even a present) with her.

OP if he can’t engage in respectful conversation about his past and isn’t helping you understand, he’s not ready to date.

Re: the “baggage” term, come on people. We’re grownups, we all have it.

Anonymous wrote:Agree that baggage is a terrible term to use in the way OP used it. We all come to new relationships with a past. To refer to someone else’s past as baggage and not your own is judgmental and offensive.

But I also think asking questions like what did you learn from your divorce is offensive and I’d be over this relationship. It’s important to know current relationships and custody schedules and issues. But why make someone you presumably love pick apart painful parts of life.

It’s not like he’ll ever be the same person with you as with an ex because you’re a different person. If there are things you can’t live with, like previous affairs, just let him know instead of picking at scabs to get an answer to what could/should be a direct question.

The problem with that question is op is assigning blame in a situation that she knows nothing about. It comes across as " you're a man you're at fault".

Nothing wrong with having detailed conversations in fact I think many conversations should be had but approach is everything.

Ops approach is all wrong and I'm assuming since she's dating a divorced dad she's at least mid 30s herself which suggests her own relationship issues , communication is clearly a problem for her.

Anonymous wrote:He prob cheated, is not fully divorced, doesn’t see his kids often etc. I would not be comfortable dating someone who isn’t transparent abt these things bc they speak to his character.

Any/all of these things. I’m separated and in the process of divorcing and know that my ex is dating and I often wonder how he handles these questions – because the answers might be red flags to anyone looking for anything beyond sex. I assume he’s vague – which is appropriate in some areas, but not in others. Are you divorced is a yes/no question. How often do you see your kids isn’t deeply personal. No one needs the ugly details early on, but there are some baseline things that give another person enough information to know if there’s a potential match beyond swiping whatever direction one swipes.

I have no issue with the term baggage, although I wouldn’t use it in reference to kids. But I definitely have emotional baggage after a 20+ year marriage and that’s why dating again isn’t on my radar and probably won’t be for a long time. I have a lot of work to do on myself if there’s any hope of avoiding another mess.

Of course you ask those questions- at the appropriate time. I’m sure they have plenty of questions as well given your past. Absence of baggage has its own list of red flags

Anonymous wrote:If you refer to other human beings as "baggage", you're probably trash.

People had lives before they met you. That doesn't give you the right to interrogate them. Why your last breakup, and what did you learn from it? A divorce is a breakup the government knows about. It's not all that different. Plenty of people have breakup histories that are just as much "baggage" as a divorce.

Candidly, you sound like one of them.

This.

When we were dating, my now-husband would jokingly correct people who called my kids “baggage” by saying they were actually “in-flight entertainment”. However, it really hurt him because he loves them so much.

Anonymous wrote:And you are single and child free do you ask questions about their past? Current guy I'm dating doesn't like the questions I've been asking. For example, why the divorce and what he learned from it, etc.

OP, I'm sure you also have 'baggage', no? Can current guy ask you about your past relationships and why they failed?

Also "what have you learend"??? Are you his parent? Dear god.

Agree that baggage is a terrible term to use in the way OP used it. We all come to new relationships with a past. To refer to someone else’s past as baggage and not your own is judgmental and offensive.

But I also think asking questions like what did you learn from your divorce is offensive and I’d be over this relationship. It’s important to know current relationships and custody schedules and issues. But why make someone you presumably love pick apart painful parts of life.

It’s not like he’ll ever be the same person with you as with an ex because you’re a different person. If there are things you can’t live with, like previous affairs, just let him know instead of picking at scabs to get an answer to what could/should be a direct question.

Anonymous wrote:I love how OP is high on the horse. Calling something that is likely someone's worst life experiences baggage is just awful. I hope the guy dumps you because he deserves better.

Can we agree that baggage is a loaded term that OP should avoid using in the future, but also that young, single women who want to get married and have their own kids should avoid dating divorced men with kids?

I love how OP is high on the horse. Calling something that is likely someone's worst life experiences baggage is just awful. I hope the guy dumps you because he deserves better.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it might be how your asking op?

I generally agree with you that it's good to have these conversations.

But the tone of your post is off putting and judgemental if that's how rs coming across in real life I can see how he might be reluctant to answer.


There's also factors such as how long you have been dating and if you're exclusive. Nin my view you're not entitled to deeply personal information in the first month or two of dating.

You know the basics he was divorced and has kids.


What else have you learned?

The attitude you project in your post also makes it seem as you think you are perfect and a divorce is a huge character flaw?. What are you offering about yourself?. What questions are you answering?

Divorce isn’t a character flaw, but someone who is divorced with kids is bringing a massive weight into a relationship with a childless person. I can’t overstate the impact it will have on the relationship, financially, logistically, emotionally. If OP is dating for marriage and to have her own kids, she may not want to waste months on what is most likely a dead end relationship for her.

If all op can get is a divorced father she might want to hop if her high horse

Anonymous wrote:I think it might be how your asking op?

I generally agree with you that it's good to have these conversations.

But the tone of your post is off putting and judgemental if that's how rs coming across in real life I can see how he might be reluctant to answer.


There's also factors such as how long you have been dating and if you're exclusive. Nin my view you're not entitled to deeply personal information in the first month or two of dating.

You know the basics he was divorced and has kids.


What else have you learned?

The attitude you project in your post also makes it seem as you think you are perfect and a divorce is a huge character flaw?. What are you offering about yourself?. What questions are you answering?

Divorce isn’t a character flaw, but someone who is divorced with kids is bringing a massive weight into a relationship with a childless person. I can’t overstate the impact it will have on the relationship, financially, logistically, emotionally. If OP is dating for marriage and to have her own kids, she may not want to waste months on what is most likely a dead end relationship for her.