Anonymous wrote:I recommend you don't engage with DD on her appearance at all. Just keep telling her you love her, that you will support her, and that there is xx in budget (or whatever the limit is) on beauty products.

This is wise advice.

OP, is it just the 2 of you in the household?

If something deeper is bothering her, this article has good advice on trying to understand where your teen's coming from, OP:
https://www.understood.org/en/articles/my-teen-stopped-talking-to-me-should-i-be-worried

Also, not a bad time to ensure your own self-esteem is in good shape, so you can model that for DD, and feel less defensive when she's upset.

Anonymous wrote:Is it just me who thinks the DD could just be extremely hurt and not weaponizing silent treatment. Teen girls feel very deeply. What OP said is rational but it's also harsh. I bet the DD only heard the worst parts (you are fat). If she has body dysmorphia then she's probably twisting this in her mind as confirmation that her mother does find her fat and ugly that "do something about it" confirms that it's within her control and therefore a character flaw. (even though it is the opposite of what OP said). I would give her grace and not view this as a power play. OP apologized and I think just needs to give it time.

This is how I saw it. The DD already seems to have a very bad, dysmorphic self-image and has probably heard what OP said as "You are fat and ugly." Refusing to go to school would have me worried that she is feeling so much self-disgust that she doesn't want to be seen by anyone, as they will convey reinforcement in her twisted view of how hideous she is. I hope she hasn't taken "If you think you are fat, lose weight" as confirmation that she is indeed fat and has license to develop an eating disorder, because she sounds from OP's description like exactly the type that would be at significant risk. The silent treatment would not be my priority right now.

Well I must be a way worse mom than you, OP, because I’ve read your post twice and can’t see what you said that is so terribly wrong.

Certainly it is NOT your job to fix what SHE keeps insisting is wrong with her. In fact—you stated that you are the one who tells her she is NOT ugly and doesn’t need to change.
That she feels she is entitled to have you supply her with expensive products to fix an issue she has with herself does not mean you are obligated to provide it.
She then lashed out and blamed you for “being ugly”—but YOU never said she was!
You just said it’s not your role to “fix” her perceived imperfections. And that if she sees an imperfection she wants to change—then it’s on her to figure out how to change it.
You didn’t call her fat.
You called out that SHE calls HERSELF fat.
You didn’t call her ugly. You pointed out that SHE calls HERSELF ugly.
You are not required to participate in her self-shaming or to fund her quest to change her self-perceived flaws.

I don’t get why what you said is somehow objectionable??

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Therapy for her.

She doesn't need therapy for being a brat. She needs to look less at influencers on social media and learn to focus on things other than the superficial.

Exactly. She does NOT need to become more navel gazing.

I'd have a consequence for the not going to school. You are letting her rule the roost, OP and it is not healthy for EITHER of you. Be the parent.

Anonymous wrote:I actually wouldn't feel bad about that. It's realistic and fair. I don't think you should feel horrible OR disgusted with yourself, nor do I think you should buy her super expensive makeup. She's 16 - this is what part time jobs are for!

You don't have to fix this. Silent treatments are immature. She will get over it when she needs something else from you. Food, a ride, to find something she's lost, money, info, etc.

This. Plus, going to school is not optional in my home.

A PT job and activities will help get her out of her head and keep her busy. Some volunteering may also lend depth to her perspective and values.

OP, you are the parent. Nothing you said was untrue. She uses her unhappiness to control you. Are you married? Is her dad in the picture? We all have to come to terms with things in life that are not optimal for us. Teach her resilience. I'd get her off socials for sure. Does she do any sports?

Anonymous wrote:Sorry off-topic... but I have never heard silent treatment referred to as abuse.... thank you so much to the posters saying it. This is a lightbulb moment for me. My mother would (and still does!) give me silent treatment and it makes me feel shaky and terrified....and she acts like she's doing nothing wrong. It absolutely is horrible and abusive. I just appreciate you guys for saying this. I feel stronger and more empowered and less gaslit now. Thank you!!! Sorry didn't mean to derail.

I’m the note pp. I’m glad that this thread helped you, but I’m truly sorry you’ve had to endure this from the person you would hope would treat you better. Don’t apologize for derailing, this is an important revelation for you!

Anonymous wrote:Therapy for her.

She doesn't need therapy for being a brat. She needs to look less at influencers on social media and learn to focus on things other than the superficial.

Therapy for her.

Anonymous wrote:Sorry off-topic... but I have never heard silent treatment referred to as abuse.... thank you so much to the posters saying it. This is a lightbulb moment for me. My mother would (and still does!) give me silent treatment and it makes me feel shaky and terrified....and she acts like she's doing nothing wrong. It absolutely is horrible and abusive. I just appreciate you guys for saying this. I feel stronger and more empowered and less gaslit now. Thank you!!! Sorry didn't mean to derail.

My DH went through the same thing, realizing his mom giving him the silent treatment was and is abusive and it’s really helped him to unravel some of his issues. I’m glad you are recognizing it for what it is; manipulative and abusive. Such a cruel thing to do to a child, especially

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the note pp. I will add that once this blows over and things are calm you should talk to her about silent treatments and how they are manipulative and can be seen as abusive. Tell her that as she grows she need to practice being able to talk through things instead of going silent. She can ask for space to process, but using silence as a tool is not kind and if she uses it in her future friendships/relationships, things can go really badly. Again…not now. But when she’s in a better place.

I'm 12:54 and approve the bolded message.

Silent treatments are better than screaming matches!

No they’re not. Both are abusive, but one is a form of communicating, whereas the silent treatment is not.

I'm sorry you're going through this! I hate fighting with my kid.

I agree with the posters talking about how she can earn the money for her beauty products. Two important factors: Earning the money will demonstrate the value of the items she wants, AND earning what she wants will give her a valuable confidence boost.

My kid just saved up enough to buy herself a nice laptop (to replace the old but functional hand me down we'd given her) and her mood is through the roof. She's so proud of herself. She had wanted an even fancier one, but when she realized how many hours of babysitting would be required, she adjusted her expectations. I think that's a really valuable bit of maturity. Maybe if your daughter realizes that the beauty product in question is 8 hours of babysitting (or whatever), Maybelline will start to look better

Parent of 18yo daughter here -- teenage years are so rough! For them and for us. And there's no one-size-fits-all handbook! Mine will do this occasionally when I do (or she thinks I do) somethig or say something that causes offense or hurt, but then will turn on a dime and be back to herself.

Don't beat yourself up too badly here -- but don't cave and buy whatever it is, either. Just wait it out, let the storm blow through, and continue to talk to her as you normally would (e.g. "Hey, dinner's ready - can you set the table, please?") and eventually she'll come around.

Sorry off-topic... but I have never heard silent treatment referred to as abuse.... thank you so much to the posters saying it. This is a lightbulb moment for me. My mother would (and still does!) give me silent treatment and it makes me feel shaky and terrified....and she acts like she's doing nothing wrong. It absolutely is horrible and abusive. I just appreciate you guys for saying this. I feel stronger and more empowered and less gaslit now. Thank you!!! Sorry didn't mean to derail.

Tell her she can buy it with the money she earns this summer.