Money and parents who prioritize getting their kids to have fun with each other and get along.

One of my friends family is like this: UMC, owns large beach cottage, family gets together there all summer, most family members live close to one another or at most an hour away. No major dysfunction, trauma, or preferring one sibling over the other.

My friend and I spent some time one summer with them and it was like a dream, neither of us could believe it was real.

I am one of 20 cousins on my father's side. Most of them could walk into my house and I would have no idea of who they are.
The problem is that the 2 families who grew up near me had kids that were much older and our families had nothing in common. The others (5 of them) lived far away and there was never any effort made to get together.

My birth family now shares a beach house. It's my parents and my 2 sisters and their family plus my family. We cannot all fit at once and even if we could, I think the tolerance for us all to be under one roof would be about 24 hours.

Point is, this all varies from family to family. But it's mostly up to the parents to make it all work. My parents never tried with their birth families and have never idealized having us all together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of it is luck.

I married into a big family. On the surface, it looks happy and vibrant. But there're lots of problems underneath. Some siblings don't get along well. Users and takers. Entitlement. Poor financial management. The list goes on.

This is also true of my mom’s family, which is on the bigger side. She’s one of 4 siblings, her parents/my grandparents are one of 6/8, and most of them resided in the same area when I was growing up. Underneath the fun card games at Thanksgiving and trips to the theme parks and water parks and weddings, there was a lot of drama.

Same. My mom was one of 6. I had such a great childhood with all my aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. I didn't see or notice the drama. When my grandparents died (I was mid 30s), the siblings all fought nonstop and have never seen any again. I kept in touch, but it's awkward and they aren't located anywhere near me. I definitely had more than a few years where I mourned the big family holidays and was so sad that my holidays were quiet. I still miss my cousins dearly, but I look at it now as just a phase of childhood and I'm glad I had them then. I think a lot of big families are like that. Happy and jolly, but pretty close to falling apart with the adults. It solidified my decision to have at least 3 kids though. Those quiet family holidays with dh and just my parents were very sad. And then the next day it was just dh and his parents.

I am assuming when OP said "big family" they are referring to not just your husband and kids but all of your extended family as well. You can have zero kids and still have a big family.

My husband and I both have the same number of family members on each of our sides but for some reason his family seems bigger. I think it is because they always show up for eachother's events and make an effort to visit eachother. They also all live within 4 hours of eachother, so that helps. No major family drama, despite a few crazies in the midst.

My family is spread out all over the country. We do 1:1 visits but never will do full on get togethers, except weddings/funerals.

As someone who has 3 kids, I think key is that you need to tolerate a lot of chaos. Some days I think I am going crazy from all the noise, fighting, roughhousing and screaming. I try to channel my inner Michelle Duggar and just be chill AF, but I'm really not a chill person. I'm type A and love well behaved children. But I don't want my kids in therapy crying nonstop about how mom always told them to be quiet or yelled at them for being kids. So my advice is not to have 3+ kids unless you're laid back or have a lot of prozac.

I don't think money is #1. I think it's having a fun, supportive, caring husband and you yourself be all about fun, holidays, memories, traditions too. Dh and I are UMC and doing just fine, no need to make millions.

I'm an only child too and my kids will never have any cousins. It makes me sad because dh and I have 20 some cousins each and my kids won't get even 1. We do keep both sets of grandparents close to us.

Kids after #4 raise themselves.

Older kids care for younger kids which is why they often don’t have kids.

I was once holding a 1 year old who was #8 and their mom said to me “is that mine”… yes they are the other person you handed them to had to leave.

Anonymous wrote:Money. Good health of all parents and kids, or at least manageable health. Fertility, obviously, and starting when you're pretty young. A husband who's very much into the idea of a large family. A willingness to be a career SAHM and never have a significant job, ever.

You have to accept a certain level of noise, and that your kids are not going to get the 1:1 attention that many people think is beneficial. You will not be able to micromanage any of your kids academically or socially. If any serious problem crops up, the rest of the kids will feel pretty under-attended-to for a while. The older kids will sort of separate from the family in high school to avoid being pressed into a babysitter role with the little ones. When your younger ones launch, you will become a grandma-- there will never be much of a break from having little kids in your life.

If this all sounds great to you, I think it can be a beautiful way of life.

This and a lot of organization with both parents. Not a lot beyond family in your life.

Anonymous wrote:Money is the key. I grew up with 8 kids in my family. Dreadful. Not enough attention, connection to parents. Had to pay own college tuition. Bus to local state u. Still have PTSD. Unless you are super rich, please do not do.

+1 of 8. Also don't do this if you are dysfunctional, are an alcoholic or have a shitty marriage. Complex ptsd here and have to pay $$$ for twice a week therapy.

No my immediate family are criminals cut them out years ago

I would never have a big family

Can I recommend creating your own extended family. We have friends from college, met in 1996, and have stayed together, our kids call them aunts and uncles and their kids are basically cousins. We vacation together as well once a year. We do also have real siblings and 2 cousins on each side that we see and will visit as well.

I come from a very big family. Both of my parents each have 5+ siblings. I have 5+ siblings. I have over 50 first cousins.

There’s no money. We are all solidly middle class to varying degrees. I would say that my immediate family is very close and even the extended family is close. I have an aunt I hadn’t seen for 20 years and when I passed through the town she lived in, we stayed with her. We had such a good time catching up and laughed so much.

I don’t know if there’s any real secret. My parents and their siblings have always made an effort to keep in touch and stay close, even when it was hard. I wouldn’t say there’s any hierarchy - no real patriarch or matriarch, so no control issues or source of drama. With that many people there are conflicts and some have drifted further away, but there is a very deep love and commitment to the family. It’s a choice.

Anonymous wrote:A lot of it is luck.

I married into a big family. On the surface, it looks happy and vibrant. But there're lots of problems underneath. Some siblings don't get along well. Users and takers. Entitlement. Poor financial management. The list goes on.

This is also true of my mom’s family, which is on the bigger side. She’s one of 4 siblings, her parents/my grandparents are one of 6/8, and most of them resided in the same area when I was growing up. Underneath the fun card games at Thanksgiving and trips to the theme parks and water parks and weddings, there was a lot of drama.

I grew up as one of 6 kids and with parents who were also from large families. Sure, things like travel are easier with money, but we didn't have it growing up and neither did any of our aunts/uncles. We still spent a lot of time together. I think geographic proximity is the key. Also, my parents really viewed their siblings as friends. We got together with family way more than any family friends. We went to each other's houses for dinner, parents played cards together. We had picnics at parks. With so many cousins there was always a graduation party, wedding, baby shower to go to so we saw a lot of family. Now I live 1,000 miles away and rarely see my cousins, but they still see each other quite a bit because most of them all leave within an hour of each other. It does help to have someone take the lead on planning.

I come from a family like this. I think it requires two things - 1. a person who is willingly taking upon themselves some organizational responsibility, and not being a martyr about it. This used to be my grandma and now it’s my cousin. 2. a deeply internalized understanding for everyone involved that sometimes things don’t go your way, and it’s ok. Your kids won’t be on their sleep schedule - it’s ok. They won’t get all the food exactly how they like it - that’s ok. There won’t always be your preferred programming on TV - that’s ok. Etc, etc. No one is too special or too precious in my extended family.

Anonymous wrote:Money is the key. I grew up with 8 kids in my family. Dreadful. Not enough attention, connection to parents. Had to pay own college tuition. Bus to local state u. Still have PTSD. Unless you are super rich, please do not do.

Are you freaking kidding me?! I grew up with ONE sibling and ALSO paid my own college tuition. My parents just didn't believe in providing that or a car.