Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

When SFIL who is a pediatrician cornered me and told me that in his ‘clinical opinion’, S had autism even though I informed him that he had had a multidisciplinary evaluation due to a speech delay and his doctors concluded that they did not think he was at that time.

18 years later, S is neurotypical although he did need speech therapy to help with articulation until he was 5.

SFIL has kept his mouth shut ever since.

He was just trying to help, PP. I suspected my son had autism when he was a toddler, we had him evaluated several times and every time they diagnosed him with ADHD and learning disorders but were not entirely sure about the autism... until at 17, when doing one last evaluation to get accommodations for college, the psychologist diagnosed him with autism, in addition to the ADHD. Luckily, I had sent him to social skills groups and autism-friendly speech and occupational therapy for years, which is what he needed anyway.

Your SFIL stopped making comments because he saw that in your mind, autism is something to be ashamed of. You shouldn't think like that. It hurts all the families who really do have autism in their families, and who may struggle with taboos that end up impeding diagnosis and treatment for their children. Often the line between autism, speech issues and ADHD is VERY VAGUE (most kids with autism have attention problems and speech delays), so his comment to you is not at all out of left field, and not something to be offended about.

I hope you can remember that next time you see him.

Nope. That was 16 years ago. I didn’t ask for his opinion. I explained what his actual doctors said.

Everyone with a medical degree would know that it takes more than a meal with a two year old to diagnose autism. Also, sharing nosy personal opinions is rude even if you have a specific degree.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

When SFIL who is a pediatrician cornered me and told me that in his ‘clinical opinion’, S had autism even though I informed him that he had had a multidisciplinary evaluation due to a speech delay and his doctors concluded that they did not think he was at that time.

18 years later, S is neurotypical although he did need speech therapy to help with articulation until he was 5.

SFIL has kept his mouth shut ever since.

He was just trying to help, PP. I suspected my son had autism when he was a toddler, we had him evaluated several times and every time they diagnosed him with ADHD and learning disorders but were not entirely sure about the autism... until at 17, when doing one last evaluation to get accommodations for college, the psychologist diagnosed him with autism, in addition to the ADHD. Luckily, I had sent him to social skills groups and autism-friendly speech and occupational therapy for years, which is what he needed anyway.

Your SFIL stopped making comments because he saw that in your mind, autism is something to be ashamed of. You shouldn't think like that. It hurts all the families who really do have autism in their families, and who may struggle with taboos that end up impeding diagnosis and treatment for their children. Often the line between autism, speech issues and ADHD is VERY VAGUE (most kids with autism have attention problems and speech delays), so his comment to you is not at all out of left field, and not something to be offended about.

I hope you can remember that next time you see him.

I feel like there was probably more to the interaction than described here, but in general, you bring it up once out of love and then let it go. My own DS was similar to the PP with a developmental delay. I had all manner of people who thought they were experts assume he was autistic or insinuate that I was in denial. It's annoying and insulting when you've been to several, multi-day evaluations, annually, with various specialists who conclude otherwise.

It's even more annoying when you are at a function that is supposed to be fun and have to field unsolicited advice. It has nothing to do with shame, it's just that the last thing I want to think about on vacation or a birthday party is my son's issues. Just let us relax and enjoy ourselves. It would have been more appropriate to wait until after the vacation to voice a concern. And then, like I said above, you say your piece, and move on.

Have you raised the issue of their behavior before?

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

When SFIL who is a pediatrician cornered me and told me that in his ‘clinical opinion’, S had autism even though I informed him that he had had a multidisciplinary evaluation due to a speech delay and his doctors concluded that they did not think he was at that time.

18 years later, S is neurotypical although he did need speech therapy to help with articulation until he was 5.

SFIL has kept his mouth shut ever since.

He was just trying to help, PP. I suspected my son had autism when he was a toddler, we had him evaluated several times and every time they diagnosed him with ADHD and learning disorders but were not entirely sure about the autism... until at 17, when doing one last evaluation to get accommodations for college, the psychologist diagnosed him with autism, in addition to the ADHD. Luckily, I had sent him to social skills groups and autism-friendly speech and occupational therapy for years, which is what he needed anyway.

Your SFIL stopped making comments because he saw that in your mind, autism is something to be ashamed of. You shouldn't think like that. It hurts all the families who really do have autism in their families, and who may struggle with taboos that end up impeding diagnosis and treatment for their children. Often the line between autism, speech issues and ADHD is VERY VAGUE (most kids with autism have attention problems and speech delays), so his comment to you is not at all out of left field, and not something to be offended about.

I hope you can remember that next time you see him.

Anonymous wrote:I left with my toddler once. Just walked right out of my in laws house with nothing but a diaper bag. We had to spend the night in the airport and caught a flight in the morning. My husband is still abusive and my in laws still excuse his behavior. My in laws are a bit nicer though since they know I’ll leave if they behave really badly.

Why are you still with your husband?

Anonymous wrote:Yes.

When SFIL who is a pediatrician cornered me and told me that in his ‘clinical opinion’, S had autism even though I informed him that he had had a multidisciplinary evaluation due to a speech delay and his doctors concluded that they did not think he was at that time.

18 years later, S is neurotypical although he did need speech therapy to help with articulation until he was 5.

SFIL has kept his mouth shut ever since.

Don't you hate those "clinical opinions?". My therapist sister pulls them out any time she disagrees with me about our mother's care. So manipulative and often ill-informed (since I'm the one who actually talks to my mother and she doesn't.)

We have an every other year beach vacation with my mother in law. Every time she goes off on some poor in law. Sometimes it's me. When it's me, I hide in the room the rest of the vacation. That way it's a real vacation for me. To be clear, I love watching cable TV under the covers and not having to see my mother in law.

Yes.

When SFIL who is a pediatrician cornered me and told me that in his ‘clinical opinion’, S had autism even though I informed him that he had had a multidisciplinary evaluation due to a speech delay and his doctors concluded that they did not think he was at that time.

18 years later, S is neurotypical although he did need speech therapy to help with articulation until he was 5.

SFIL has kept his mouth shut ever since.

Anonymous wrote:Well, you don't stay with them. Surely you've learned that by now. Always hotel. You pay for your own lodging and always have your own car. And you manage "the togetherness". Trips can be too much togetherness. And watch the alcohol. Always leave before anyone drinks too much.

100% great advice!

We had relatives leave mid vacation a couple of summers ago. We haven’t seen them since (their choice, not ours). The person who chose to leave has also alienated other family members in the past.

Yes-I posted about it last summer. There was bad weather forecast, we were getting emails from airline about likely flight cancellations for our Sunday flight and I had a very important work presentation on the Monday morning so we changed flight to leave Saturday night before the storm. They lost their sh1+.

Anonymous wrote:Vacation should be enjoyable! Do not go on a vacation with toxic people who you need a quick exit strategy to escape!

So true! I learned this hard way.

Yes, I left a bad family vacation. Just went to a nearby hotel and vowed to never vacation with them again. The rest of the vacation was awesome and I was so glad to leave!

Yes - left and stayed at hotel in middle of the night. MIL/FIL constantly nagged us to visit them in FL. We planned to come visit (they have 3 bedrooms and large rec room w/2 pull out sofas). After our flights were booked, MIL told me SIL and her kids would also be there. She said the kids (mine were 4 and 6 and SIL’s twin 5 yr olds) would stay on the pullout sofas in the rec room. DH and I would have one bedroom and SIL/her DH another. When we arrived, SILs twins were staying in one of the bedrooms (they arrived couple days prior). MIL said they needed to stay in that room (some lame reason I don’t recall) and said we would need to stay in rec room. The rec room is huge and is the main room the kids play in during the day. The pullout sofas were extremely uncomfortable and DH absolutely could not sleep - our kids were 2 feet away and also having trouble sleeping. By 3am DH said F$&* this and we went to hotel. MIL was so offended and made it seem like DH was overreacting. WTF - SIL’s twins are sleeping in a King size bed w/en suite bath and we’re staying on pull out sofas w/our kids in the main room of the house?

Our leaving didn’t change their behavior - but we changed ours. No more staying w/them. This was not the 1st time MIL had pulled a fast one on the sleeping arrangements. But it was the last time we all visited them together and stayed w/them. Interestingly, once we started staying in hotels for our visits, they did the same when visiting us~ win/win!

Don’t go on the trip in the first place if the people you’re vacationing w are so toxic you need an exit strategy!

I’ve had to come up w rules/boundaries for visits w certain people: we do not stay in the same house. Always separate lodging. We do not stay longer than 5 nights and prefer 3-4. There are a few others but those are the key ones.