Anonymous
04/18/2024 19:25
Subject: if your spouse leaves a trail of stuff, how do you handle it?
Divorce. You'll be his maid until one of you dies.
Anonymous
04/18/2024 19:23
Subject: if your spouse leaves a trail of stuff, how do you handle it?
My husband picks up after me. But he is the one with ADHD, and I’m the one with excellent executive functioning. I handle a ton of other things that aren’t his strength, and he brings my lunch dishes from the office to the kitchen and puts my shoes away in the closet. I’m the one who makes sure we have food, vacations, summer camps for kids, etc. I handle all the homework. He does all the laundry. We both appreciate what the other one does. We are happy.
Anonymous
04/18/2024 19:15
Subject: if your spouse leaves a trail of stuff, how do you handle it?
It could be worse. I eventually learned that my DH was putting away pots and pans without washing them, and doing other related horribly unclean things in the kitchen. It attracted a mouse under the cupboard and I went from relatively chill about the messy behavior to over the top obsessed with keeping it clean. He gets irritated when I nag him about cleaning things up, and my only response is that if I had a partner who understood even the basic principles of cleaning up (e.g., the pan you just cooked an egg in needs to be washed before it goes back in the cabinet), maybe I wouldn’t be so keyed up about it all the time.
Anonymous
04/18/2024 15:54
Subject: if your spouse leaves a trail of stuff, how do you handle it?
If he leaves a trail of hairs he has to go get it waxed off bimonthly. They can deal with the vacuuming, sweeping and clogged drains.
Anonymous
04/18/2024 14:43
Subject: if your spouse leaves a trail of stuff, how do you handle it?
Coming to terms with not being able to change it is actually really helpful. Divorce will still be there for you if you want it. But so far I’m okay just going along with sometimes cleaning it, sometimes piling it, and sometimes ignoring it. I’m not nearly as mad nearly as often now that I’ve just accepted his shortcomings. YMMV. And hey, maybe I’ll get super mad again and eventually divorce, I definitely don’t have a perfect answer.
Anonymous
04/18/2024 14:40
Subject: if your spouse leaves a trail of stuff, how do you handle it?
Anonymous wrote:My dh does it. He has a ton of redeemable qualities and does other things around the house (so it's a bit different from a messy husband who does nothing). I pick up after him mostly. For things that I don't want to put away (tools, his hobby stuff, his work stuff), I make piles and stuff it in his workshop or his closet. Occasionally I do the big dig on his closet and force him to sort, which he does.
For those of you saying that your kids are just messy- BS. They just need you to work with them more and teach them more executive functioning skills. Don't pass this along to your future DILs/SILs. I actually feel like my life has gotten easier as I've trained my kids to do chores. I have one who does all the laundry. Another does dishes. I never have to empty trash anymore. I still have to help them clean every night before bed though (their rooms and their messes).
What happens when the responsible parent has work travel or events and the irresponsible, slobby parent is in charge?
Anonymous
04/18/2024 14:39
Subject: if your spouse leaves a trail of stuff, how do you handle it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Like leaving dirty dishes or food wrappers around, leaves amazon package bags in mail area, gets out junk bin to get batteries and leaves out whole bin, wet towels on bed etc etc etc
Assuming you've asked for change and they haven't and that they have other redeeming qualities. If you're in this situation, what do you do? Leave all the junk out forever? pick up after them? pick it up but put all in one place for them to deal with? ask them to do a major sweeo through every few days?
If he won’t do it make him hire a maid or housekeeper, and manage their time and frequency per week.
Obviously his parents didn’t teach him responsibility nor check into treating any ADHD or ASD
What value does he contribute to the household and house itself?
Don't blame the parents. For some this is just who they are. I have 3 boys and 2 see their messes and clean them and put things away and 1 does not no matter how I follow up/give consequences. I pity his future spouse. I pity them because I was that spouse until I couldn't be anymore.
Then get them tested. Adhd is easily treatable and they’ll be less mind blind and more focused, even at messes they made.
ADHD is not easily treatable.
Hard to get diagnosed too. Even though it sounds like they pass around Adderall to adults like crazy, they don't.
Wrong again
Surveys + Neuropsych, or, psychologist /psychiatrist team that diagnoses too. GP can do anxiety.
Get your roommates, mother (if she’s not biased about the family secret), spouses input plus yours, do the surveys, consult, 4-6 hours testing, 1 hr Dx and rx debriefing consult. Then go do the recommendations.
Anonymous
04/18/2024 14:36
Subject: if your spouse leaves a trail of stuff, how do you handle it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Like leaving dirty dishes or food wrappers around, leaves amazon package bags in mail area, gets out junk bin to get batteries and leaves out whole bin, wet towels on bed etc etc etc
Assuming you've asked for change and they haven't and that they have other redeeming qualities. If you're in this situation, what do you do? Leave all the junk out forever? pick up after them? pick it up but put all in one place for them to deal with? ask them to do a major sweeo through every few days?
If he won’t do it make him hire a maid or housekeeper, and manage their time and frequency per week.
Obviously his parents didn’t teach him responsibility nor check into treating any ADHD or ASD
What value does he contribute to the household and house itself?
Don't blame the parents. For some this is just who they are. I have 3 boys and 2 see their messes and clean them and put things away and 1 does not no matter how I follow up/give consequences. I pity his future spouse. I pity them because I was that spouse until I couldn't be anymore.
Then get them tested. Adhd is easily treatable and they’ll be less mind blind and more focused, even at messes they made.
ADHD is not easily treatable.
It sure damn is compared to bipolar, autism level 1, and borderline. Of course those can be comorbid with ADHD as well.
Stimulant and exec functioning coaching stat. Manage anxiety w meds as needed.
Anonymous
04/18/2024 14:20
Subject: if your spouse leaves a trail of stuff, how do you handle it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Like leaving dirty dishes or food wrappers around, leaves amazon package bags in mail area, gets out junk bin to get batteries and leaves out whole bin, wet towels on bed etc etc etc
Assuming you've asked for change and they haven't and that they have other redeeming qualities. If you're in this situation, what do you do? Leave all the junk out forever? pick up after them? pick it up but put all in one place for them to deal with? ask them to do a major sweeo through every few days?
If he won’t do it make him hire a maid or housekeeper, and manage their time and frequency per week.
Obviously his parents didn’t teach him responsibility nor check into treating any ADHD or ASD
What value does he contribute to the household and house itself?
Don't blame the parents. For some this is just who they are. I have 3 boys and 2 see their messes and clean them and put things away and 1 does not no matter how I follow up/give consequences. I pity his future spouse. I pity them because I was that spouse until I couldn't be anymore.
Then get them tested. Adhd is easily treatable and they’ll be less mind blind and more focused, even at messes they made.
ADHD is not easily treatable.
Hard to get diagnosed too. Even though it sounds like they pass around Adderall to adults like crazy, they don't.
Anonymous
04/18/2024 14:19
Subject: if your spouse leaves a trail of stuff, how do you handle it?
My dh does it. He has a ton of redeemable qualities and does other things around the house (so it's a bit different from a messy husband who does nothing). I pick up after him mostly. For things that I don't want to put away (tools, his hobby stuff, his work stuff), I make piles and stuff it in his workshop or his closet. Occasionally I do the big dig on his closet and force him to sort, which he does.
For those of you saying that your kids are just messy- BS. They just need you to work with them more and teach them more executive functioning skills. Don't pass this along to your future DILs/SILs. I actually feel like my life has gotten easier as I've trained my kids to do chores. I have one who does all the laundry. Another does dishes. I never have to empty trash anymore. I still have to help them clean every night before bed though (their rooms and their messes).
For those of you saying that your kids are just messy- BS. They just need you to work with them more and teach them more executive functioning skills. Don't pass this along to your future DILs/SILs. I actually feel like my life has gotten easier as I've trained my kids to do chores. I have one who does all the laundry. Another does dishes. I never have to empty trash anymore. I still have to help them clean every night before bed though (their rooms and their messes).
Anonymous
04/18/2024 14:16
Subject: Re:if your spouse leaves a trail of stuff, how do you handle it?
This is why I dropped by my boyfriend's home a couple of times with no warning - to see how he lived when he wasn't expecting company. This is why we lived together before marriage. If he'd been a hoarder or a messy person I wouldn't have married him.
Anonymous
04/18/2024 14:11
Subject: if your spouse leaves a trail of stuff, how do you handle it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Like leaving dirty dishes or food wrappers around, leaves amazon package bags in mail area, gets out junk bin to get batteries and leaves out whole bin, wet towels on bed etc etc etc
Assuming you've asked for change and they haven't and that they have other redeeming qualities. If you're in this situation, what do you do? Leave all the junk out forever? pick up after them? pick it up but put all in one place for them to deal with? ask them to do a major sweeo through every few days?
If he won’t do it make him hire a maid or housekeeper, and manage their time and frequency per week.
Obviously his parents didn’t teach him responsibility nor check into treating any ADHD or ASD
What value does he contribute to the household and house itself?
Don't blame the parents. For some this is just who they are. I have 3 boys and 2 see their messes and clean them and put things away and 1 does not no matter how I follow up/give consequences. I pity his future spouse. I pity them because I was that spouse until I couldn't be anymore.
Then get them tested. Adhd is easily treatable and they’ll be less mind blind and more focused, even at messes they made.
ADHD is not easily treatable.
Anonymous
04/18/2024 14:10
Subject: if your spouse leaves a trail of stuff, how do you handle it?
Assuming you still want to make the marriage work, tell him to pick up things before going to bed, before dinner, whenever appropriate.
Tell him to set phone reminders/alarms.
Treat it like an illness that he has to manage.
Tell him to set phone reminders/alarms.
Treat it like an illness that he has to manage.
Anonymous
04/18/2024 13:38
Subject: if your spouse leaves a trail of stuff, how do you handle it?
It’s bad bc one of the kids copies his piggish bad habits
Anonymous
04/18/2024 13:17
Subject: if your spouse leaves a trail of stuff, how do you handle it?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Like leaving dirty dishes or food wrappers around, leaves amazon package bags in mail area, gets out junk bin to get batteries and leaves out whole bin, wet towels on bed etc etc etc
Assuming you've asked for change and they haven't and that they have other redeeming qualities. If you're in this situation, what do you do? Leave all the junk out forever? pick up after them? pick it up but put all in one place for them to deal with? ask them to do a major sweeo through every few days?
If he won’t do it make him hire a maid or housekeeper, and manage their time and frequency per week.
Obviously his parents didn’t teach him responsibility nor check into treating any ADHD or ASD
What value does he contribute to the household and house itself?
Don't blame the parents. For some this is just who they are. I have 3 boys and 2 see their messes and clean them and put things away and 1 does not no matter how I follow up/give consequences. I pity his future spouse. I pity them because I was that spouse until I couldn't be anymore.
Then get them tested. Adhd is easily treatable and they’ll be less mind blind and more focused, even at messes they made.