Anonymous wrote:I used to work at a cancer hospital. The professional wisdom is that it puts a huge burden on patients to expect them to be brave or cheery. It plays into a media narrative that the public applauds, but it isolates people who are understandably scared and vulnerable. They are discouraged from admitting how they feel. It sends a message that they are handling their disease wrong.

totally this. i hate that narrative.

I love some of you people.

--OP

Giving it time was the biggest thing that helped with my cancer diagnosis. I was in a fog of devastation and stunned panic for a couple of weeks and couldn't focus on anything else. But my brain was not able to sustain that level of emotional turmoil and the panic gradually started to numb a bit. It also got better as I met with my medical team, got the full staging, and heard the plan. Then it became a set of steps to check off and power through.

It will get better, OP, and you won't feel like this forever. Just knowing that from other support groups helped me, even though it didn't change the information or the diagnosis--knowing that I would be able to sleep and eat and think about other things again at some point.

The phase between getting the bad news and having the plan is the absolute worst. Your brain doesn't know what to latch onto or how to organize anything until that information is there. It does get better.

Cling to some remnants if normalcy
I haven't made any huge moves yet at work
Just sort of mulling a plan of action as the information comes in

How I have handled it so far: a cross between denial and action. Make some appointments for scans etc, order supplies I will need, go for a walk

Anonymous wrote:OP if you have just been diagnosed then one of the very worst times I experienced with my terrible diagnosis was the time in between you have x and meeting with the care team who laid out the plan (and getting second and third opinions). Those two weeks were awful and I started having panic attacks to the point where I had to go to the ER bc I thought I was having a heart attack. I went on anti anxiety meds and it helped me sleep which in turn helped me get thru my days. I also recommend compartmentalization and giving yourself a freakout time as well as a small period of time to research treatment methods if they are available and other drs for additional opinions. Do not spend time reading about survival rates or other things that will cause spiraling. Every persons disease is different and unique to that person so don’t add to your already huge burden of worry.

Also this. I am usually someone who researches everything but with my diagnosis and treatment (not cancer), I decided early on I was going to just go ahead and fully trust my doctors. I needed the emotional energy to cope, so I wasn't going to waste energy on doubting them.

Dear OP, I just gave a speech on this in toastmasters. I said my diagnosis was a gift in disguise. I'd been living a good life, but feeling like I had nothing to lose really cleared up a lot of things for me - who I wanted to be with and what I wanted to focus on.

But this doesn't come right away of course. It comes after processing everything. I hope your diagnosis is treatable and even if it isn't that you can learn to live with it. The best thing for me at that time was to ruthlessly curate who I would hang out with. If I didn't feel good with people, they were out. I only had so much energy to care about people who are always complaining, spoiled, angry. I wanted more time to exist with my kids and needed emotional energy to cope. I read a lot of books - a friend of mine wrote a book about her cancer life advice and subsequently passed away.

I don't view it as relentless optimism but a fresh outlook on life. It's precious, now do whatever the hell you want.

I'm sorry you've received bad news, OP. What helped me was compartmentalizing it - I'd spend time researching it and my treatments, and then put it on a back burner while I attended to other things. I also found it helpful to talk to some friends (not all) and focus on what I could control.

There is no “right way” to handle it. I just want people to be normal around me again. I prefer people who don’t know.

NP. If you haven't actually dealt with your own bad medical news, please stop giving OP advice.

Have an active gratitude practice and also practice non-attachment. Buddhism could teach you a lot.

I used to work at a cancer hospital. The professional wisdom is that it puts a huge burden on patients to expect them to be brave or cheery. It plays into a media narrative that the public applauds, but it isolates people who are understandably scared and vulnerable. They are discouraged from admitting how they feel. It sends a message that they are handling their disease wrong.

I don’t have advice but want to say I am so sorry you are going thru this. Sending you a virtual hug.

OP if you have just been diagnosed then one of the very worst times I experienced with my terrible diagnosis was the time in between you have x and meeting with the care team who laid out the plan (and getting second and third opinions). Those two weeks were awful and I started having panic attacks to the point where I had to go to the ER bc I thought I was having a heart attack. I went on anti anxiety meds and it helped me sleep which in turn helped me get thru my days. I also recommend compartmentalization and giving yourself a freakout time as well as a small period of time to research treatment methods if they are available and other drs for additional opinions. Do not spend time reading about survival rates or other things that will cause spiraling. Every persons disease is different and unique to that person so don’t add to your already huge burden of worry.

My fight song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6i-fiRgbpr4