Anonymous
04/17/2024 12:38
Subject: Re:Blended family success
The only one I know involved a daughter who was almost 18 by the time of the wedding and two sons born thereafter, so they basically never lived under the same roof.
I have lots of unsuccessful stories, but you didn't ask for those...
I have lots of unsuccessful stories, but you didn't ask for those...
Anonymous
04/17/2024 12:30
Subject: Re:Blended family success
We brady bunched it and it's going well. My stepkids live with us full time which isn't what I thought we were signing up for, but it's fine. Their mom does not take all her time with them and for a long time we'd tell the kids to plan to be with her, then deal with their feelings when she no-showed. StepDD said to me once "You hate my mom, don't you?" and I had to explain that I hate her action of disappointing StepDD but don't hate her as a person, and feel compassion that she's having a hard time showing up to things. Sometimes my stepkids get upset when my ex shows up for his visitation and occasionally he's taken the stepkids too, when it's just for a dinner or something.
DH and I have discussed which of us handles what with which kids and we stick to that.
DH and I have discussed which of us handles what with which kids and we stick to that.
Anonymous
04/17/2024 12:12
Subject: Blended family success
They are all challenging. The one I know that seems better than most: husband is loaded, second wife has a light career and her own friends in a different home and place than husband raised first family, first kids were almost all in college when husband had kids with new wife. Husband spends time with older kids separately and the entire family is together maybe once a year, so it’s not as much blended and compartmentalized.
Anonymous
04/17/2024 12:09
Subject: Blended family success
Anonymous wrote:Was talking to a co-worker recently who said his XW mentioned to him that she and her BF were talking about moving in together. He has 2 kids (10-12 years old) and they have two kids, the same age range. She loves the idea of a big family. He told her that as soon as their kids say a word about not being happy, he will ask for 100% custody. It sounds messy OP....
Your co-worker sounds unreasonable. No judge is giving full custody because a kid doesn’t like living with their step parent. This is very poor role modeling on his part.
As a now adult who grew up with step parents on both sides what I was taught by my biological parents is that I will respect all adults. I was also taught what abuse looks likes and told to share if any such things ever took place. Short of abuse, biological parents are allowed to move on romantically. Heck we have someone on this thread who is an adult refusing to accept their step family. It’s ridiculous. Parents shouldn’t go loveless because they grew out of a first marriage.
Anonymous
04/17/2024 12:03
Subject: Blended family success
Anonymous wrote:My stepfather is a nice enough guy but I don't love his kids and never will. I feel like any time my Mom spends with his kids has been taken out of time she could be spending with mine.
Mom married him after I was out of the house so I never shared a roof with him. Still, it's not comfortable to visit their shared home now. Esp when his kids are there too. Way too stressful on everyone.
I would NEVER remarry if DH died.
You sound really immature and selfish.
Anonymous
04/17/2024 11:51
Subject: Blended family success
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:My stepfather is a nice enough guy but I don't love his kids and never will. I feel like any time my Mom spends with his kids has been taken out of time she could be spending with mine.
Mom married him after I was out of the house so I never shared a roof with him. Still, it's not comfortable to visit their shared home now. Esp when his kids are there too. Way too stressful on everyone.
I would NEVER remarry if DH died.
You sound awful. If one of your parents died you would be OK with them never remarriage because it takes away time from you? So self centered. You know if a parent got sick or another sibling the same would happen. I don't see why you have to do blended family activities but I don't get harboring resentment because someone else remarries.
DP, but in my family the resentment is not over the second marriage/new spouse but that they want us to also play along with the charade that we're just one big happy family when we're not. And there is pressure to do frequent full blended family gatherings, when the step siblings are nothing more than forced acquaintences.
Anonymous
04/17/2024 11:47
Subject: Re:Blended family success
There seems to be a heavy trad lean on DCUM that really wants people to never ever divorce, under almost under circumstances.
But people have been developing their own different conceptions of family forever. It just takes letting go of concerns about not satisfying norms, and focusing on what is important for healthy 'family' relationships.
I think you are misinterpreting. People actually often advocate for divorce on DCUM, it's blended families they don't like. Frankly, it seems like with good reason - all of the studies on this show that kids in these blended families often have issues it with it for the rest of their lives.
Anonymous
04/17/2024 11:25
Subject: Blended family success
Anonymous wrote:My stepfather is a nice enough guy but I don't love his kids and never will. I feel like any time my Mom spends with his kids has been taken out of time she could be spending with mine.
Mom married him after I was out of the house so I never shared a roof with him. Still, it's not comfortable to visit their shared home now. Esp when his kids are there too. Way too stressful on everyone.
I would NEVER remarry if DH died.
+1
Imagine being told one day that several new people will be moving into your house and that going forward, they will be your family. Think about what it would be like to come out of the bathroom with a towel on and encounter a teenage boy unrelated to you in the hall, or his dad. Consider your own routine and how it would be impacted by the routines of several other people, and your own background, customs, norms, all impacted by people with ones that are different from yours.
I would never ever introduce a new adult, much less one with kids, into my kids' home and lives.
Anonymous
04/17/2024 11:23
Subject: Blended family success
Anonymous wrote:My stepfather is a nice enough guy but I don't love his kids and never will. I feel like any time my Mom spends with his kids has been taken out of time she could be spending with mine.
Mom married him after I was out of the house so I never shared a roof with him. Still, it's not comfortable to visit their shared home now. Esp when his kids are there too. Way too stressful on everyone.
I would NEVER remarry if DH died.
You sound awful. If one of your parents died you would be OK with them never remarriage because it takes away time from you? So self centered. You know if a parent got sick or another sibling the same would happen. I don't see why you have to do blended family activities but I don't get harboring resentment because someone else remarries.
Anonymous
04/17/2024 11:19
Subject: Blended family success
My spouse’s mom was widowed when he was a kid & after a few years she remarried a man with kids of his own (but older). To my outsider eyes, the parents and children all get along pretty well.
So, you know, that’s always an option!
So, you know, that’s always an option!
Anonymous
04/17/2024 11:08
Subject: Re:Blended family success
*any circumstance
Anonymous
04/17/2024 11:04
Subject: Re:Blended family success
There seems to be a heavy trad lean on DCUM that really wants people to never ever divorce, under almost under circumstances.
But people have been developing their own different conceptions of family forever. It just takes letting go of concerns about not satisfying norms, and focusing on what is important for healthy 'family' relationships.
But people have been developing their own different conceptions of family forever. It just takes letting go of concerns about not satisfying norms, and focusing on what is important for healthy 'family' relationships.
Anonymous
04/17/2024 11:02
Subject: Blended family success
Was talking to a co-worker recently who said his XW mentioned to him that she and her BF were talking about moving in together. He has 2 kids (10-12 years old) and they have two kids, the same age range. She loves the idea of a big family. He told her that as soon as their kids say a word about not being happy, he will ask for 100% custody. It sounds messy OP....
Anonymous
04/17/2024 11:01
Subject: Blended family success
Anonymous wrote:In a “blended” family - but no step siblings, just “half” with a significant age difference. Our conflicts aren’t around or caused by the blended part. But what has helped is enough money, removing egos from relationships, distinguishing between needs and wants, and realizing love isn’t a a zero-sum game.
My view, after being a step parent for 10+ years, seeing the blended families on my step’s other side, and seeing close friends’ and relatives’ non-blended and blended families is that it’s not the blending that causes issues.
Most people have conflicts in families, because some people are selfish and dramatic and have to have everything revolve around them. They might extend that circle a bit to include their children, but maybe only some of their children. They may be jealous of their spouse’s relationship with their shared children. They may be unable to meet their biological children where they are and expect that they can make their kids into someone they aren’t.
In fact, most of the posters here who are adamant about NEVER being in a blended family are the type of people who would prove the source of family drama and therapy bills for biological/adopted children.
But the practical answer is money, flexible expectations for what a “family” looks and acts like, and the ability to see another person’s point of view.
+1. Well stated.
Anonymous
04/17/2024 10:57
Subject: Blended family success
In a “blended” family - but no step siblings, just “half” with a significant age difference. Our conflicts aren’t around or caused by the blended part. But what has helped is enough money, removing egos from relationships, distinguishing between needs and wants, and realizing love isn’t a a zero-sum game.
My view, after being a step parent for 10+ years, seeing the blended families on my step’s other side, and seeing close friends’ and relatives’ non-blended and blended families is that it’s not the blending that causes issues.
Most people have conflicts in families, because some people are selfish and dramatic and have to have everything revolve around them. They might extend that circle a bit to include their children, but maybe only some of their children. They may be jealous of their spouse’s relationship with their shared children. They may be unable to meet their biological children where they are and expect that they can make their kids into someone they aren’t.
In fact, most of the posters here who are adamant about NEVER being in a blended family are the type of people who would prove the source of family drama and therapy bills for biological/adopted children.
But the practical answer is money, flexible expectations for what a “family” looks and acts like, and the ability to see another person’s point of view.
My view, after being a step parent for 10+ years, seeing the blended families on my step’s other side, and seeing close friends’ and relatives’ non-blended and blended families is that it’s not the blending that causes issues.
Most people have conflicts in families, because some people are selfish and dramatic and have to have everything revolve around them. They might extend that circle a bit to include their children, but maybe only some of their children. They may be jealous of their spouse’s relationship with their shared children. They may be unable to meet their biological children where they are and expect that they can make their kids into someone they aren’t.
In fact, most of the posters here who are adamant about NEVER being in a blended family are the type of people who would prove the source of family drama and therapy bills for biological/adopted children.
But the practical answer is money, flexible expectations for what a “family” looks and acts like, and the ability to see another person’s point of view.