Anonymous wrote:Kind of just there. Wanting my attention all day. I work from home.

Maybe you could say, "Mom, my boss' rules says I have to be alone in the house when I work. We're going to try (this adult day program) so I can keep my job." That way, you're putting the 'blame' on that instead of her being there. But present it as what IS going to happen, not as an option for her.

I also think AL is a good idea but I know that's not possible for everyone.

I don't have any advice other than what people have already posted, but wow, OP, you are doing a lot, and it sounds like "a lot" has become "too much."

I hope some of these suggestions work, and soon.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, I can't talk her into daycare. I'm exhausted. I've been doing this too long and hate that I can't find the compassion anymore.

My parent wouldn't go either. We worked with the head of the adultcare. First, you say, we are just going for lunch. Lie and say you will be getting lots of repairs and she cannot be in the house do to dust and toxins. See if the head and match her up for lunch with some people she might like. Then, you might say that you are getting repairs on X day and have her spend the day. My parent who refused to go, was hostile and negative, would not want to leave at pick up and was much happier in the evening after the social stimulation.

+1
Just sign her up for a trial run at an adult day program (where do you live) or a senior center depending on what she needs and just make a reason like what this poster said. Do not give her the option of not going.
Here are some examples in Fairfax
Senior Center - https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/neighborhood-community-services/james-lee-senior-center/location

Adult day
https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/neighborhood-community-services/james-lee-senior-center/location

Maybe start with those. Otherwise don’t feel bad about maybe thinking about other living arrangements. GL!

Sounds exhausting, don't really have advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of just there. Wanting my attention all day. I work from home.

She needs something to do. Can she help around the house, garden, knit for charity, write letters ...?

Well my mother was doing this living independently and it turned into work and stress for me. Over the course of her worst year she complained her hands were not steady for writing and every time she used the computer there was some issue.She forgot about bugspray for gardening and would get all sorts of bites, culminating in the one day have the dreaded bullseye from a tick bite. Ticks are out of control in this area. She created a small fire "cooking." She refused to have a companion who might gently remind her of things and supervise. If I allowed mom to "help around the house" in my own home on her own I would have lost my mind trying to get any work done.

Your experience is a sounding a lot like mine. Taking my elderly parent to daycare - was hours of work for me. She didn't want to go, getting her dressed and out of the house was similar to the battles I had with my 4 year old. I was so exhausted from the effort - I was useless at my job, just as I would start to feel relaxed I'd have to go pick her up. I think what I am discovering is that it's the round the clock being on. It's not that my mom needs 24/7 care, but she needs me for everything so I'm always on call. It's very hard to settle down or relax. We have tried bringing in care in the house to help entertain her - but again I have to be home to make it work, she doesn't engagement with them, won't do the exercises with them, it ends up being more work for me. I have tried leaving the house during their stay so I'm not part of the equation and I just get a mixed report that it feels like a waste of money. Like you hav lost my compassion and interest in trying to create a positive environment. I'm done.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of just there. Wanting my attention all day. I work from home.

She needs something to do. Can she help around the house, garden, knit for charity, write letters ...?

Well my mother was doing this living independently and it turned into work and stress for me. Over the course of her worst year she complained her hands were not steady for writing and every time she used the computer there was some issue.She forgot about bugspray for gardening and would get all sorts of bites, culminating in the one day have the dreaded bullseye from a tick bite. Ticks are out of control in this area. She created a small fire "cooking." She refused to have a companion who might gently remind her of things and supervise. If I allowed mom to "help around the house" in my own home on her own I would have lost my mind trying to get any work done.

I have had some friends who have sent a parent to respite care at a facility while they went away. This was their in road to full time care. If you cannot comfortably leave your parent alone for the day or night, it isn’t working.

"I love you, and ..." also works. It's still true.

PP, don't let the fact that the message isn't what you want to hear be a reason to get too lost in semantics.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kind of just there. Wanting my attention all day. I work from home.

I am sorry to hear it. Friends with elderly parent like this have found elderly “daycare” to be very helpful for this situation. I’m sorry I don’t have experience with any but it may be something to look into. And don’t present it as an option. “Mom I love you but I need some space in the house and while I work.”

"I love you ... but" is perhaps the absolute worst sentence fragment in the history of speech. It is belittling.

Anonymous wrote:Kind of just there. Wanting my attention all day. I work from home.

She needs something to do. Can she help around the house, garden, knit for charity, write letters ...?

Anonymous wrote:Your siblings need to know what's happening with you. Call them and let them know how you feel and ask for their input. Candidly tell them that it has become too much for you to solely care for her. Are they sharing any expenses?

This rarely goes well. If you do it, don't do it trying to guilt trip them or push them to take on more. They have their boundaries. If you genuinely think they don't know and would want to step up, then inform them. Otherwise, if anything you can brainstorm next step, but you cannot expect them to take this on especially if you see how miserable you are. She's not going to be easier for them to take on and they may have understood from the start that was not a reasonable solution. Now, if they aren't on board with moving her to AL and they think you should suck it up, then you insist it's their turn.

Another option is a lot of residential places have respite so families can go on vacation or deal with home things. Maybe try it out for a family vacation. Coordinate with team to help make it successful and see if they have a permanent spot if the break makes you realize it's time to transition her. It's a lot easier to be kind and compassionate for a visit and her brain isn't getting much exercise if she isn't pushed to use social skills in novel situations with new people.

due not do, need coffee

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, I can't talk her into daycare. I'm exhausted. I've been doing this too long and hate that I can't find the compassion anymore.

My parent wouldn't go either. We worked with the head of the adultcare. First, you say, we are just going for lunch. Lie and say you will be getting lots of repairs and she cannot be in the house do to dust and toxins. See if the head and match her up for lunch with some people she might like. Then, you might say that you are getting repairs on X day and have her spend the day. My parent who refused to go, was hostile and negative, would not want to leave at pick up and was much happier in the evening after the social stimulation.

OP can you go work at a public library or a coffee shop or someplace else?