[b wrote:Anonymous]We have no relationship with our in-laws. In fact, DH called his Mom for the first time in 3 years because she sent me a bunch of gifts (out of guilt - I'm pregnant with our first child due in a few weeks) and he thought she was experiencing early dementia. Our lives are so much better without these people in them. We would spend the holidays with them and basically hide in our rooms like teenagers and be the first ones to leave to go home. My DH is awesome in that he never makes me be involved with them if I don't want to. His mother is an expert in being passive aggresive, his father is emotionally unable and his siblings act like distant cousins. DH didn't realize he had no real relationship with any of them until after he met me and spent time with my family (who love him so much). There are MAJOR issues to deal with on his side, and his family discusses/deals with none of them. Just typing this makes my blood pressure rise. We will have to see them for a wedding in a few weeks. Lord help us!

A long time ago, we made a conscious decision that family is what we want it to be. I have an Uncle that has been accused of molesting one of my cousins years ago. Does this man deserve the title of "family?" Not to me - he's a dirt bag piece of shit that I don't talk to and will never see again. That is an extreme example of course, but my point is you don't have to have toxic, horrible, negative people in your life just because they are "family." Family is a status that is earned through love and mutual respect. Just my opinion.

How can you make the determination that the only reason she sent you gifts was out of guilt? With you gnat size brain and heart, have you even considered that this is her way of trying to reestablish a relationship? No, I think not because you are an even bigger bitch than she may be. You are also an idiot as "family" is not earned, you are born into a family. Your children have to earn your love and respect. You shouldn't even have a puppy or kitten, let alone an infant. God help this poor, innocent child you are bringing into this world and I hope there is a neighbor, teacher, or someone who will be a good role model every child should have.

Anonymous wrote:op here...yes, i feel guilty, so i do try and make sure my husband keeps in touch with them (he wouldn't if i didn't remind him to). but i am at the point where i think i am ready to just give up, they have made clear that the kids are not the most important thing to them, and i find that so upsetting..[b].

Grandparents aren't entitled to have their own lives and other interests? I suspect that YOU are the problem because you probably want money, free babysitting, and anything else you desire. Here's a news flash! Everything isn't about you and your kids. I don't blame them, I would rather not see grandkids than have to deal with you.

My ILs are out of town and I have a decent relationship with them through the phone and when they come to visit our daughter, but my husband has zero relationship with my brother, and if there is any acknowledgment of him it's hostile. It puts me in a terrible position and I really can't stand it. He had a mild disagreement with my brother years ago and hasn't let it go, and then, when my brother didn't meet our daughter until she was over a year old, that was it for my husband. Nothing but hostility and ignoring him now. It's sort of awful.

My SIL is an ungrateful little bitch. Expert at picking fights and snide remarks. I spent years jumping through hoops to get a 1 hour window of time in their schedule to see my brother and his kids. Now I don't bother. Frankly all the hassle and her nastiness isn't worth the relationship with my nieces and nephews. She hates her family and succeeded in separating my brother from his. He let it happen so I'm not sorry for him either.

Anonymous wrote:Glad we're not the only ones. OP, I could have written your post, except it's MY parents from whom we're estranged due to a blowout with DH (even an outside observer would have thought my parents were out of line). I'm no Bible-thumper, but a good friend who is passed along this quote which makes me feel better around the holidays:

Proverbs 17 1 Better a dry crust with peace and quiet
than a house full of feasting, with strife.

Oh, I love this quote! Thank you for posting!

We have contact, but my bil did not for many years (his parents). Sadder for the in-laws, frankly.

OP: the question comes down to the following: what is best for my kids? (the answer isn't always obvious, since it is not true that every kid needs another set of grandparents if the relationship brings toxicity).

When they look back, will they say "my mom was really stubborn, and it meant that we lost opportunities to be with our family" or will they say "my grandparents cared more about hating my mom than loving me.". Only you can answer that.

We have no relationship with our in-laws. In fact, DH called his Mom for the first time in 3 years because she sent me a bunch of gifts (out of guilt - I'm pregnant with our first child due in a few weeks) and he thought she was experiencing early dementia. Our lives are so much better without these people in them. We would spend the holidays with them and basically hide in our rooms like teenagers and be the first ones to leave to go home. My DH is awesome in that he never makes me be involved with them if I don't want to. His mother is an expert in being passive aggresive, his father is emotionally unable and his siblings act like distant cousins. DH didn't realize he had no real relationship with any of them until after he met me and spent time with my family (who love him so much). There are MAJOR issues to deal with on his side, and his family discusses/deals with none of them. Just typing this makes my blood pressure rise. We will have to see them for a wedding in a few weeks. Lord help us!

A long time ago, we made a conscious decision that family is what we want it to be. I have an Uncle that has been accused of molesting one of my cousins years ago. Does this man deserve the title of "family?" Not to me - he's a dirt bag piece of shit that I don't talk to and will never see again. That is an extreme example of course, but my point is you don't have to have toxic, horrible, negative people in your life just because they are "family." Family is a status that is earned through love and mutual respect. Just my opinion.

I have never met my MIL who is a nutjob it seems
Husband has cut all communication with her because she just badmouths everyone

Anonymous wrote:OMG! I feel different! My in laws are my family!! my real family lives in another country.

Did you read the title?

Let me guess..when people come on here and talk about child abuse you come on to say "Wow. I can't relate at all. My parents treated us so well and never laid a hand on us."

When you see a post about people facing financial hard times, you must post to say "We are doing great. We own a beach house and a regular house. We have endless savings. The kids have plenty in their 529 plans and life is all roses for us."

Anonymous wrote:Glad we're not the only ones. OP, I could have written your post, except it's MY parents from whom we're estranged due to a blowout with DH (even an outside observer would have thought my parents were out of line). I'm no Bible-thumper, but a good friend who is passed along this quote which makes me feel better around the holidays:

Proverbs 17 1 Better a dry crust with peace and quiet
than a house full of feasting, with strife.

Good quote. What I really don't get is why the rest of my in-laws continue to see eachother so much. Screaming fights break out on a regular basis. They end up in therapy venting about eachother. If you are this miserable, decrease the amount of time you spend together. I think one of the few things that brings them all together is complaining about me and anyone else who marries into the family who doesn't show up at an event. What is most important is my husband is very happy with our marriage and feels like he is treated quite well by me, better than anyone has ever treated him and our kids are being raised in a stable and loving home.

Anonymous wrote:Same situation. No relationship with inlaws. They haven't seen my DC or myself in 3+ years.

I haven't lost a minute of sleep over it from my DC's perspective. DC is not missing one single thing by not having a relationship with these self serving, manipulative, nasty people. DC has a wonderful life filled with parents, extended family and friends.

I do feel a bit guilty for my DH who seems to have a minimal amount of distress associated with it.

Of course, I am thrilled to not have the stress associated with their unreasonable demands and opinions. DH and I hardly ever fight anymore and life is so much calmer. I admit that DH was mostly to blame for never sticking up for him, DC or myself. But, I'm just happy to be free. Even if that is only temporary. Enjoy it while it lasts.

NP here...I relate so much and found this helpful since we seem to be moving in this direction. When they declare us dead to them it is bliss, but when they try to re-enter and we decline it pains me ONLY because my husband is conflicted despite all the abuse he has endured from them. I am so sick of the cliche about not depriving the grandkids for their grandparents. My kids have grandparents who treat them and their parents (us) with love and respect. My kids are scared of my in-laws and frankly so am I. They don't want to see them nor do I, and usually my husband doesn't want to either. We want our kids to learn that it is not OK for people to be nasty to you which is basically all they see when we are with the in-laws. Being a grandparent isn't a "right" it's a privilage. If you are abusive, you don't have a right just by blood to have certain things. Treat us with respect or go away!!

Glad we're not the only ones. OP, I could have written your post, except it's MY parents from whom we're estranged due to a blowout with DH (even an outside observer would have thought my parents were out of line). I'm no Bible-thumper, but a good friend who is passed along this quote which makes me feel better around the holidays:

Proverbs 17 1 Better a dry crust with peace and quiet
than a house full of feasting, with strife.

Talk to step MIL daily. Hope the real MIL dies a violent death soon...

OP, here's the thing. You are the new member of the family. There are more of them (than you, obviously) and it is completely on them to make you feel welcome - not ostracized! DH and I gave our ILs (one in particular) things we should not have, quite generously. I'll leave it at that. It did nothing but backfire. "If you give some people an inch...."

Anyway, some ILs are indeed insular, at best. In DH's case unfortunately, it turns out they were abusive growing up. DH succeeded in spite of them, thankfully (but no thanks to them). They will always be hostile, bitter and introverted, among other things. I grew up quite differently, so it has been a big change for me, which is fine. If DH wants to see them, that is fine. But they have never gone out of their way for us. They are usually too busy (MIL especially) for our children, which is just an example. MIL would rather play golf, I suppose. Let's just say I am a huge believer in Karma

Build your own family and surround yourself with positive, OP. If they are too self involved and SELFISH to be happy for you, they simply are not worth it. In time, your children will be old enough to know the truth for themselves, without any help from you.

For example, our children always ask why grammy goes to (late teen grandchildren's) game, but not theirs. Hurtful indeed!

Anonymous wrote:same - right down to the illness, except for what I highlighted

Anonymous wrote:I had a blow out with my mil. I hate this woman. Dh visits her every weekend. I don't talk about her, or see her. If she calls and DH isn't home, I don't answer. When I was around this woman it was nothing but stress in my life, and actually feeling ill. My life is better without her. I do talk with my brother in law.

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