Anonymous wrote:Narcissists are really good at hiding their behavior. In fact they love bomb in the beginning and do the ultimate bait and switch once you are trapped. It happens a lot. I think once you deal with a narcissist and experience the love bombing it’s easy to spot it in future relationships or when others are experiencing it, but the first time you experience it you feel like you’re in a fairy tale. I didn’t marry one but was in a long term relationship with one, but my best friend did and by year two of marriage and a baby on the way the cracks started to show but she thought they could work through it. By year 4 or so her partner didn’t even try to hide it anymore.

You received your degree to diagnose from google?

I think it’s most common that people settle because they think being married is more important than anything else. Like it’s a prize to be won. I also think people fool themselves into believing their partner will change with time, or that they’re not that bad.

I have seen this with so many friends- I’ve never been shocked by a divorce, I saw warning signs way sooner. I also settled myself but thankfully never married the guys I dated prior to meeting my DH. It honestly felt like a romcom, things were perfect and I realized how much I had settled.

Now that I’ve been married for 15 years I certainly wouldn’t say it’s been perfect every day, neither of us are perfect, but I also have never had to work hard at marriage. He is my partner, an amazing dad, my biggest supporter, and he makes me better each day. I’m still incredibly attracted to him. I believe he would say the same about me.

However, I don’t know what I would have done if I had never met him. I do believe I would have settled in an unhappy relationship. I don’t fault people for doing that. Our society puts such a premium on partnered people.

Anonymous wrote:Don't pressure your kids to get married.

Seriously.

That's the number one cause I believe of people marrying folks they shouldn't have.

They believe they have to married and have kids by a certain age so the settle down with whomever.

There is truth to this, but there is also no need to discourage young people from marrying a high school or college sweetheart. I married mine after 5 years of dating, but I actually had friends who encouraged me to dump him to play the field even though we were always happy! We've been married 15 years and we're still super happy.

I think a lot of people settle when they're in their early-mid 30s and the bio clock is ticking.

Narcissists are really good at hiding their behavior. In fact they love bomb in the beginning and do the ultimate bait and switch once you are trapped. It happens a lot. I think once you deal with a narcissist and experience the love bombing it’s easy to spot it in future relationships or when others are experiencing it, but the first time you experience it you feel like you’re in a fairy tale. I didn’t marry one but was in a long term relationship with one, but my best friend did and by year two of marriage and a baby on the way the cracks started to show but she thought they could work through it. By year 4 or so her partner didn’t even try to hide it anymore.

Anonymous wrote:This board is so depressing. I'm married and, while ofc we have the ups/downs and issues like everyone, we have a generally happy marriage. But, there are so many people posting here about such horrid, toxic, nasty partners. I have to ask:

How did it get to that point? Were you happy at one point? Or happy enough and just went on autopilot to marriage? Why did you have kids with these people?

I have a good friend who is now divorced from a guy that NO ONE could understand how this smart, pretty, ambitious, fun woman married this toxic person (everyone to a one - the dude is such an a-hole).

I'm not judging (I've had my share of bad relationships or ones that ended for one reason or another). 100% I am not. I'm just trying to understand and be aware and guide my kids as they get older.

Marriages are complex so they can fail but they way people describe their partners here, its pretty obvious either they can't judge a person's character or really really want a wedding and settle with their eyes closed.

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes people really hide how bad they are and their true horrible self comes out yrs later.

My DH is not abusive, but I don’t care for his personality after 15 yrs. Had he behaved the same back then, I would have never even dated him.

+1. My husband has changed and become a person I would not have spent 5 minutes on when I was looking for a partner.

This is a really good question.

My SIL was a beautiful lovely person before she married my brother right out of college.

He gave her 25 years of absolute hell.
She was the breadwinner could have left at any time. Had one child with him who also was destroyed by my brother.

I will never ever understand why.

Anonymous wrote:Don't pressure your kids to get married.

Seriously.

That's the number one cause I believe of people marrying folks they shouldn't have.

They believe they have to married and have kids by a certain age so they settle down with whomever.

This. A thousand times! I love my children, so I would not say being forced into marriage ruined my life. But other than them, it did. I was 29 and in a relationship that was just so-so, but my family, and his, just had one vision, and we caved. Thirty years later and I pretty much hate him and my life. Ultimately, I could have taken responsibility, I completely get that...now. Back then, it just didn't feel like I could just say no to it all without feeling like a failure.

Many of us get married in our 20s and 30s when we have yet to face the true hardships of life (kids, health issues, death, elder care, financial realities). Many people can hold it together and appear extremely well adjusted when the only thing they have to do in life is hold down a job, and pay the rent and do life tasks for one person.

I married someone who seemed extremely with it. Well kept apartment, good job he was satisfied with, even keeled emotionally, intelligent and sociable. Turns out he has zero distress tolerance, cannot process any negative emotions (everything needs to be good all the time, there literally can’t be any problems), has great need to control everything so no “problems” emerge, and an utmost need to convey perfection to the outside world.

NONE of this was apparent when dating, probably because we didnt have any major life problems at the time and dating mostly consisted of doing fun things together. When we moved in together, there were some pink flags, but those pink flags meant instead of our relationship feeling 100% solid it felt 98% solid, and the 2% felt workable, and also why would I throw out a great relationship for 2% imperfection? (And friends I confided in were also like yeah that all doesn’t sound like a big deal, just something to work through).

By the time the red flags were flapping in the wind I was trapped in an abusive relationship and too afraid to share my situation with people because my husband was so beloved in our friend circle and I thought people wouldn’t believe me.

Honestly, I don’t think there’s any way to realistically avoid relationships like this. When the pink flags emerge, I don’t think there’s always a way to know when these are just the normal imperfections everyone has that have to be dealt with and worked through in a relationship or the tip of the iceberg of dysfunctional behavior that will escalate over time.

I think what you teach young people is that anyone can find themselves in one of these relationships, it is not a moral failing, and the best thing you can do for yourself is once the flags turn red, trust your gut and get out and confide in friends. The strength is not in avoiding these relationships, but being able to get out once you find yourself in one.

NP. In my case the birth of our child put a lot of pressure on our relationship. His previously endearing quirks became annoying, he considered me suddenly short-tempered and not respectful enough. Love faded.

People get blinded by the dating love and then over time reality sets in. Those early issues get discounted by the blind love but then they become big and bigger problems. As the love begins to wane the problems escalate. Add in children and money issues and marriages fall apart.

Anonymous wrote:Mental illness that is masked or hidden before marriage. Particularly if you didn’t live together before marriage.

+1. My husband was never officially diagnosed with anything as far as I know. But after we got divorced, his sister unraveled completely, was hospitalized for a while and is still on disability. As I was helping my ex MIL to figure out what to do with SIL, it came out that MIL had multiple hospitalizations in the past. Needless to say, my ex husband never mentioned that.

Anonymous wrote:

You're thinking about this all wrong.

People don't pick their partners based on their absence of flaws. They pick them based on an attraction or a particular trait that they find really appealing. And when they see the accompanying flaws - because there always are flaws! - they think it's fine because of the appealing trait.

There’s a difference between ordinary flaws and behaviors that will doom a marriage. Some people recognize those behaviors and walk away from someone who they otherwise are very attached to; others don’t.

My sister dated a total jerk for ten years until he decided to settle down and propose to her. He was a charming guy who had a way with the ladies but my sister decided he was The One. We tried to warn her but she wouldn’t listen. Predictably, his true colors emerged once they were married and, to the surprise of no one but my sister, he became even more of an a-hole. Naturally, they divorced after about ten years. She initiated it and he was bitter. They have no relationship today.

My sister is beautiful, and the guys that tried to get her attention made her future husband jealous, so she never looked at anyone else. She truly had blinders on. Unfortunately, I think this is true of many women who are in relationships with jealous, immature men. Confident, mature men don’t wait ten years to propose.

Midlife can really bring out buried deep trauma/behaviors. I’ve seen people literally do a 180 and lose their damn minds midlife—-after 20 years of marriage.

Sometimes they make it through and the marriage survives bit often it’s to big an implosion and the person can’t see what they are doing until well after their life has blown up.

A 25/26/27 year old would not have predicted 20-25 years later this would happen.