Anonymous wrote:OP here. I broke up with him. He seemed stunned. I reminded him that several times I'd said my full name was important to me. Now that it's a few days later I don't regret my decision but also don't feel good about it.

It’s hard to feel good about dumping someone, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t right. You wouldn’t have get good about being called the wrong name your whole life either.

OP here. I broke up with him. He seemed stunned. I reminded him that several times I'd said my full name was important to me. Now that it's a few days later I don't regret my decision but also don't feel good about it.

He's passive aggressive Ria.

Anonymous wrote:We have been dating since August. I'm not head over heels in love, but everything is great and we're having fun. My name is Maria. He calls me 'ria. The very first time he called me that, I asked him to please just call me Maria and I don't like Ria. He said it was a term of endearment. I said I don't like it. He is still doing it. He claims it's a nickname. I really hate it. Normally, he's very respectful of me, he believes in womens rights and all that entails. But he will not respect my wish to be called my full name. I'm at the point where I feel personally disrespected. Is it crazy to break up over this?

No, not crazy. Huge red flag. Disrespect and gaslighting.

Move on to find your Tony, Maria.

You can break up with a guy for any reason. You don’t need a reason. If you aren’t enjoying the relationship, you can leave.

Break up with him because he’s not doing it for you. That’s all the reason you need. Dating is like trying on shoes. If they don’t fit, don’t keep them.

run

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you've given him a warning that this is so serious for you that you're considering ending the relationship over it. You do need to be that explicit with him. Having mentioned that it annoys you a few times now and then isn't enough, IMO.

Yes, I've said it two or three times. "If you keep calling me that, it's is going to be the reason we break up." Things like that. I feel like I've been clear that I don't want to be called Ria, and that it's a big deal to me. I don't say it jokingly.

DP. Do you really want to be with someone who only modifies their behavior because of a threat/consequence? His continued use of a name for you that you have indicated you don't like and told him to stop using is an indication of his contempt - that how he feels about something is more important than how you feel. If he continues to do it because he thinks it's cute, it's, again, an indication of his lack of respect for you. His disregard of your discomfort in pursuit of his pleasure is a huge red flag that will show up in many other aspects of your relationship.

This is also a small form of manipulation/conditioning. He continues to cross a boundary you have establish (but you don't appear to have maintained it since you seem to respond to him when he uses it). It's a small, but significant boundary. He's conditioning you to accept future boundary violations. Will the gifts he buys you start being things he wants rather than what you want? If you want him to get X from the grocery but he gets Y because he doesn't think X is really what you want? What other choices of yours will he start whittling away at?

Abuse starts by testing seemingly insignificant boundaries. As you sink more time into the relationship and engage in behavior that makes it harder to leave (say I love you, live together, combine finances, get engaged, get married, get pregnant, buy a house quit a job to SAHM, etc. the boundary testing increases. That is how women find themselves in abusive relationships, bit by bit.

I wish I had learned this much earlier in my life.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you can. But if everything else is good, I'd simply tell him that if he does it one more time, you will leave the room/house/restaurant. Then if he does it again, leave for the day. Then give him one more chance.

WTF? No. No woman should sign up for life with a man who won't do things (especially such a small simple thing) unless threatened. No woman should be consigned to a life if constantly threatening "one more chance".

OP, your name is part of your core identity. Your husband is sending you an implicit method that he gets to decide what that is not you.

Also, women can break up with men for any reason or no reason at all. You can decide "today is Tuesday, I'm breaking up with you." The idea that we have to have a "good enough" reason rests on the notion that men are owed a relationship with a woman unless they do something bad enough. Obligatory relationships are not consensual.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you've given him a warning that this is so serious for you that you're considering ending the relationship over it. You do need to be that explicit with him. Having mentioned that it annoys you a few times now and then isn't enough, IMO.

Yes, I've said it two or three times. "If you keep calling me that, it's is going to be the reason we break up." Things like that. I feel like I've been clear that I don't want to be called Ria, and that it's a big deal to me. I don't say it jokingly.

DP. Do you really want to be with someone who only modifies their behavior because of a threat/consequence? His continued use of a name for you that you have indicated you don't like and told him to stop using is an indication of his contempt - that how he feels about something is more important than how you feel. If he continues to do it because he thinks it's cute, it's, again, an indication of his lack of respect for you. His disregard of your discomfort in pursuit of his pleasure is a huge red flag that will show up in many other aspects of your relationship.

This is also a small form of manipulation/conditioning. He continues to cross a boundary you have establish (but you don't appear to have maintained it since you seem to respond to him when he uses it). It's a small, but significant boundary. He's conditioning you to accept future boundary violations. Will the gifts he buys you start being things he wants rather than what you want? If you want him to get X from the grocery but he gets Y because he doesn't think X is really what you want? What other choices of yours will he start whittling away at?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you've given him a warning that this is so serious for you that you're considering ending the relationship over it. You do need to be that explicit with him. Having mentioned that it annoys you a few times now and then isn't enough, IMO.

Yes, I've said it two or three times. "If you keep calling me that, it's is going to be the reason we break up." Things like that. I feel like I've been clear that I don't want to be called Ria, and that it's a big deal to me. I don't say it jokingly.

I guess I find this so not believable that someone a) calls you a name you don't like, b) after you vehemently and seriously telling him to stop.

I think it's prob not necessarily disrespect but just cluelessness. Not reading the cues that it's not cute. My DH is a little like this. But he really isn't disrespectful. He just doesn't understand why people don't think like him on certain things.

I'll also say, if everything else is good (and sounds like it's not by your first part of the post), it would be strange to break up over this. This is something that would be mildly annoying to me but nothing more than that.

NP. It seems you and your DH are well suited. Typically, when a SO explicitly and repeatedly asks you not to do something that directly affects them, the SO stops doing it out of respect for the feelings/wishes of their loved one. No 'cues' are needed since the statement is clear and explicit.

Continuing to ignore the reasonable requests of a loved one is a relationship killer. If you see the warning signs, best to stop before you drive off the cliff.

You can breakup with him over whatever you want… 🤦‍♂️

Anonymous wrote:Thanks all. I'm going to do it. Tonight's date might be a little awkward. I've never broken up with anyone before.

My thinking is to run home and put the things of his that are in my apartment in a bag and bring the bag in my car so I can give it to him at the restaurant.

Yeah, if you’ve thought through it to this extent, you are done with him. Not a bad reason to break up, I think. You’re not into him and he’s annoying you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you've given him a warning that this is so serious for you that you're considering ending the relationship over it. You do need to be that explicit with him. Having mentioned that it annoys you a few times now and then isn't enough, IMO.

Yes, I've said it two or three times. "If you keep calling me that, it's is going to be the reason we break up." Things like that. I feel like I've been clear that I don't want to be called Ria, and that it's a big deal to me. I don't say it jokingly.

I guess I find this so not believable that someone a) calls you a name you don't like, b) after you vehemently and seriously telling him to stop.

I think it's prob not necessarily disrespect but just cluelessness. Not reading the cues that it's not cute. My DH is a little like this. But he really isn't disrespectful. He just doesn't understand why people don't think like him on certain things.

I'll also say, if everything else is good (and sounds like it's not by your first part of the post), it would be strange to break up over this. This is something that would be mildly annoying to me but nothing more than that.

Anonymous wrote:I really hope you've given him a warning that this is so serious for you that you're considering ending the relationship over it. You do need to be that explicit with him. Having mentioned that it annoys you a few times now and then isn't enough, IMO.

Yes, I've said it two or three times. "If you keep calling me that, it's is going to be the reason we break up." Things like that. I feel like I've been clear that I don't want to be called Ria, and that it's a big deal to me. I don't say it jokingly.