Anonymous
Post 03/21/2024 14:03     Subject: My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
My husband and I sadly have a high-conflict relationship and would love to divorce. He is a narcissist who lacks empathy (just a quick example: he didn't consider the fact that I passed the bar exam to be newsworthy when he spoke with his mom on the day when we found out the results).

My teenage daughter considers herself to be less desirable in the eyes of boys because her parents have a bad relationship with each other. She things boys will choose other girls over her because they will not want to get into a broken family.
She is also worried that he will choose a partner who will not become an involved father, just like her own dad is checked out.

I find this very sad, and I would love to improve her sense of self-worth. I realize that the type of relationship we model sets a bad example, and I would love to balance that out.

I told her that she is still a long way of settling down with a young man, and that boys in high school are more interested in her looks and whether she is kind and fun to be around. Nobody really cares about the girl's parents. And that when she will be off to college and about to settle down maybe in her late 20s, her parents will really not matter at all. Still, very sad that she cannot be proud of us.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.



Here’s the daily narcissist-diagnosing wife.


But, but, but...she passed the bar so she is qualified.

Anonymous
Post 03/21/2024 13:56     Subject: My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned, and so is she (sounds like she is very thoughtful for her age).

Once she is in her early 20s, the boys from good families will absolutely be considering your family dynamic before proposing marriage. Their families will insist on it and they will, by then, naturally be considering it themselves.

So now is the time to get your house in order so that you do not burden her and limit her marriage prospects.

The boys from bad families won't care, but I assume you'd rather she didn't marry them.


OP here. Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I would absolutely love to "get my house in order". Unfortunately divorce seems to be the only way, which I think I cannot afford now. But I also have to keep in mind how my daughter will be affected by the constant quarrel at home.


Unfortunately, that ship has already sailed. The only thing you can try to do is mitigate the damage. Ask yourself a hard question. Is it unaffordable because you can't maintain your current standard of living, or is it unaffordable because you really couldn't even swing a studio apartment? What exactly is it you are waiting for?
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2024 13:46     Subject: My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You're still married. From the outside, you don't have a broken family


OP here. Anybody who spends two minutes in the company of my husband and myself would feel the tension right away.



And yet you stay. Do not give me the BS I am staying for my kid because that isn't working according to you.
No teen thinks about this.

You put this in her head.

Fix it now.

A teenage girl should not be thinking of how their marriage will already fail that is absurd. Not to mention why is she thinking about the marriage period at this age? Education, job, taking care of herself. Why does she focus on some guy?

OP this is 100% on you something is wrong here.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2024 13:42     Subject: My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner
Anonymous wrote:
My husband and I sadly have a high-conflict relationship and would love to divorce. He is a narcissist who lacks empathy (just a quick example: he didn't consider the fact that I passed the bar exam to be newsworthy when he spoke with his mom on the day when we found out the results).

My teenage daughter considers herself to be less desirable in the eyes of boys because her parents have a bad relationship with each other. She things boys will choose other girls over her because they will not want to get into a broken family.
She is also worried that he will choose a partner who will not become an involved father, just like her own dad is checked out.

I find this very sad, and I would love to improve her sense of self-worth. I realize that the type of relationship we model sets a bad example, and I would love to balance that out.

I told her that she is still a long way of settling down with a young man, and that boys in high school are more interested in her looks and whether she is kind and fun to be around. Nobody really cares about the girl's parents. And that when she will be off to college and about to settle down maybe in her late 20s, her parents will really not matter at all. Still, very sad that she cannot be proud of us.

Any thoughts would be appreciated.


Is this post supposed to be about winning the worst parenting award? What is wrong with you?
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2024 13:41     Subject: Re:My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner
She's not wrong but my goodness she is too young to be thinking of these things. Social media is breaking kids' brains. Tell her to go take a walk and get some sun on her face.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2024 13:36     Subject: Re:My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner
Please don’t tell your DD that boys only care about looks and whether a girl is fun to be around and nice. That’s really problematic messaging to a young girl.

She has value beyond whether she’s nice and fun and pretty. The right kind of boy will see that value.

Also when she’s older, very few people will spend time with her parents. Plus one or both you could be dead before she is engaged.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2024 13:35     Subject: My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner
Anonymous wrote:You are right to be concerned, and so is she (sounds like she is very thoughtful for her age).

Once she is in her early 20s, the boys from good families will absolutely be considering your family dynamic before proposing marriage. Their families will insist on it and they will, by then, naturally be considering it themselves.

So now is the time to get your house in order so that you do not burden her and limit her marriage prospects.

The boys from bad families won't care, but I assume you'd rather she didn't marry them.


OP here. Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I would absolutely love to "get my house in order". Unfortunately divorce seems to be the only way, which I think I cannot afford now. But I also have to keep in mind how my daughter will be affected by the constant quarrel at home.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2024 13:35     Subject: My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner
Wow some parents are really disgusting.

Your toxic relationship is clearly affecting your child. Why not fix the root cause instead of putting a band aid on her self worth?
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2024 13:29     Subject: My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner
OP's DD needs to think about how she will avoid picking a similar partner as her mother. This is the real concern.

My parents are divorced and so are my DH's. It was not a consideration in the slightest. She's being melodramatic but she's a teen so this is on brand.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2024 13:28     Subject: My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I understand your general sentiment OP but I find your example of your husbands narcissism odd. I would not expect news like that to be broadcasted to my in laws unless there was a specific reason / context. Never mind expecting my husband to bring it up in a conversation just between him and his mother. You do realize they might have been or may want to talk about things not related to you?


OP here. I am not sure what would be odd about letting his mom know that the huge effort and expense of the law school has paid off and that I could finally start a new phase in my life by working as a lawyer.


What is odd is your expectation that he must and that it is a sign of narcissism that he didn’t. —also a lawyer
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2024 13:27     Subject: My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner
You are right to be concerned, and so is she (sounds like she is very thoughtful for her age).

Once she is in her early 20s, the boys from good families will absolutely be considering your family dynamic before proposing marriage. Their families will insist on it and they will, by then, naturally be considering it themselves.

So now is the time to get your house in order so that you do not burden her and limit her marriage prospects.

The boys from bad families won't care, but I assume you'd rather she didn't marry them.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2024 13:23     Subject: My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner
OP here. I don't think that this type of thinking is limited to K-dramas.

Even Prince William (not to belabor the topic) was attracted to Catherine in part because he enjoyed hanging out with her parents.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2024 13:21     Subject: My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner
Anonymous wrote:Well, she’s not entirely wrong, considering the snobby comments I read on this site. It’s not really something she can worry about now, though.


I’ve absolutely seen this type of comment about “high value women” on this board. It’s gross but comes up on here not infrequently.
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2024 13:02     Subject: My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You're still married. From the outside, you don't have a broken family


OP here. Anybody who spends two minutes in the company of my husband and myself would feel the tension right away.


I can feel it through the freaking computer. But I can't see that your husband has anything to do with it. Your poor daughter.


OP here. Yes, I am sure you would know. Jesus, the things some people write...
Anonymous
Post 03/21/2024 13:01     Subject: My teenage daughter is worrie that her parents' bad relationship makes her a less desirable future partner
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You're still married. From the outside, you don't have a broken family


OP here. Anybody who spends two minutes in the company of my husband and myself would feel the tension right away.


I can feel it through the freaking computer. But I can't see that your husband has anything to do with it. Your poor daughter.