You’re the problem, OP.

The question is:

Are you a material sort who would rather drop a friend because she can’t pay instead of having free fun?

Because from where I’m sitting, it really sounds like you’re leaning that way, and are passing moral judgement on what’s an economic issue. Which makes you an awful human being, just so you know.

The other PP as well: “waah, I kept expecting reciprocation from a family who couldn’t afford it”. You guys really need to hear yourselves and your privilege.

OP, don't feel obligated to have her over. Tell your DD that it's too much, and that they can have her over x# of times in a given month.

How about offering both girls the chance to earn some money for the outing? When I was in high school my friend and I washed her family’s cars and the dad gave us $20 to spend. I always thought it was a good balance between working for something vs. just handing kids money (it was a wealthy area).

Anonymous wrote:This happened to us. Large family that kept mooching off of friends. We dropped so much $$ on my daughter’s friend never to be reciprocated. We fed her, took her in vacations and other activities. Always footing the bill because she never showed up with money. Family wasn’t poor but I found out all the kids were being pawned off to their friends. The icing on the cake was when my daughter’s friend ditched her horribly in high school.
It was absolutely brutal and painful what she did and my daughter still feels the pain 2 years later. Draw the line and don’t be suckers like we were.

This did not happen to you. You invited the child. You did not have to invite them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You invite, you should pay or stop inviting.

This is just not how it works with teenagers. In fact, OP is doing it wrong.

The two girls should make plans on their own and bring their own money. No one needs to involve moms except to ask for a ride. Most young teens do boring things that are low cost- like go to the mall a zillion times, football games, hang out at shopping centers, hang out at friends, go to school sponsored events.

Maybe OP’s kid can do more expensive things with different friends.

We have a 14 year old. We pay for the friends and they pay for ours. I would not pay for that many expensive things op insists on and I only have one kid. They don’t need $50 outings every week. That is more for op.

Then plan free outings, or very cheap ones that you don’t mind paying for. This isn’t complicated.

Anonymous wrote:Her family clearly can't afford these expensive outings. So either pay for them without resentment or plan free things for the girls to do.

This or let them just hang out!

They can’t afford these outings, so stop expecting them to pay. My son’s best friend is wealthy. They take him to all sorts of professional sporting events, fancy dinners out, trips to their lake house and lots of other activities. They never ask us for money and we could never pay, so would have to decline. Our home is tiny, so while we do host this boy occasionally, it’s not as much fun as his basement. They have a pop a shot machine, air hockey, a guest bedroom with two big beds for sleepovers etc. But my son is polite and well behaved and they would rather have him along for these activities than have their son go alone. So he goes! I usually send him with some cash so he can pay for ice cream at the snack bar or popcorn at the movies (for he and his friend) but often he comes home with the money because the parents decided to pay.

We try to reciprocate in ways we can. We brought him to our (very cheap, no frills pool) and to the county fair. Pizza and movie night in our small living room. $5 skate night at the rec center. I’d drive them to cool, far away play grounds when they were younger. But I have more kids and less money, so I do what I can but I don’t stress about making it equal.

You just have to decide if it’s worth it to bring the friend along or not. If it’s more fun for your daughter to get to skate or swim or whatever with a friend, you just have to plan to pay for the friend. If it’s too much money, don’t go or she goes alone.

In my experience, that was the cost of having an only child. We paid for the BFF's outings, meals, trips etc. We joked at least we don't have to cover college. They grew up, and are still as close as sisters.

When I was a college student I became an expert at finding fun, free things to do. It's a good skill to have. You and your daughter should try it out, OP. Seems like you have an instinct that it would be sad for this girl to be left out just because her family has no money, and that's correct. Just teach your kid how to have fun for free.

And by the way, I was the girl who came from a poor and poorly managed family, and some parents of my friends were so generous with me. I do think you've done a great kindness here. It should stop since it's getting to be too much, but it was really nice of you.

You’re putting the family in an uncomfortable position by inviting this girl on outings that are out of their budget. You don’t get to decide what is an appropriate budget for that girl or that family. If they can’t afford it; do things you can afford or don’t do it with that girl.

Fwiw I grew up poor and was left out of a LOT of experiences, which I just accepted as my fate at that time. If my kids have friends who need something and I can afford it, I will. Or I can’t afford it, I’ll offer something else.

I was this kid. There simply wasn’t money for outings.

It would be kind to plan free things. As I grew older I took this into my own hands and planned the free excursions myself, but they are too young to really be able to do that.

Anonymous wrote:Just stop doing outings. They can hang out at your house, go to the park, go to the mall and walk around, hang out at starbucks, or whatever young teens do in your hood.

This. Maybe buy a frozen pizza or something but just hanging out should be a thing.

Anonymous wrote:This happened to us. Large family that kept mooching off of friends. We dropped so much $$ on my daughter’s friend never to be reciprocated. We fed her, took her in vacations and other activities. Always footing the bill because she never showed up with money. Family wasn’t poor but I found out all the kids were being pawned off to their friends. The icing on the cake was when my daughter’s friend ditched her horribly in high school.
It was absolutely brutal and painful what she did and my daughter still feels the pain 2 years later. Draw the line and don’t be suckers like we were.

Yep, us too.

The way the other girl acted in HS was.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can't they just do something that costs less?

OP here. I should have clarified that they don’t do things ALL the time, but when they do, the girl never has money, and her mother knows where she’s going.

It’s summer soon and the kids will be going places on their own. Will my DD be expected to cover her friend every time? I mean, how do we handle this?

You know the answer: when the friend is expected to pay, she declines and stays home. So your choice is to keep paying, do something free with this friend, and/or have your daughter invite someone else to the expensive activities. You can discuss with your daughter that different families have different spending priorities and she should consider this when making plans with this friend.