Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should go to an assisted living facility.
Perhaps a guardian can be appointed for her.

Op - she refuses to do this. And additionally the thing that bothers me most and makes me so resentful is she’s in total denial that she has any of these issues. Totally self obsessed (but physically focused). Has barely ever conceded to get therapy

This is so common. It’s just part of the illness.

After your father is gone, if there’s a crisis, social workers and health care providers will get involved. She will have the right to refuse. And unless she is an imminent danger to herself or others, she can refuse. All you can do is decide your boundaries and call adult protective services if a need arises.

op - it's to the point where she can't be alone for even one second (dad can barely do anything or she cries and shakes). so my problem is I'm not sure how to be involved in a sort of 'boundaried' way.
I find myself feeling super resentful of her lack of resilience and then feeling like an awful person. But truly to me the crux of it must be that the mental illness is not being adequately managed and probably will need to be closely managed forever, rather than her relying on people to sit with her while she panics.

PP here. I get this. For us, it’s our child and it’s even harder to figure out and maintain boundaries for your own kid. We found that tough love is the only way.

In your case when your dad isn’t around and you stand fast in your refusal to engage beyond the point that you are available, you may see her behave differently. But you’ll probably get a lot of pressure and bad behavior until she believes you.

I know it’s impossible but you have to try not to think about it and cross the bridge when you come to it since you’ve put into place POAs. And you have to accept that your dad is as much a part of this as your mom.

Anonymous wrote:For some reason I recall she isn't in this country, right? How is mental health care where she is? Could your dad get her to go to inpatient? She needs hospitalization to get the meds figured out and if you can afford-Assisted living so your dad can have a life and she can remain properly medicated. It will be better for her because everyone can visit and be relaxed and happy to see her, not engulfed with her illness.

I had to detach from my mother's mental illness for my own health. She kept choosing to go off meds and I had to refuse to allow the constant calls of anxiety and in her care the tirades and rage fits. Even on meds, she needs changes now and then and I know because I am the first person she lashes out at. We have a service monitoring her so I simply call them and they send someone to talk with her and evaluate. She hates me for it, but it is a must.

Op - what is the service you use? And does your mom live alone?
Would also love to know about the pp who has the senior case manager bc they live far away.
And yes mother is in Europe. She has been in inpatient once before and could potentially be again after she recovers from this next surgery. She will not do AL unless she is forced.

For some reason I recall she isn't in this country, right? How is mental health care where she is? Could your dad get her to go to inpatient? She needs hospitalization to get the meds figured out and if you can afford-Assisted living so your dad can have a life and she can remain properly medicated. It will be better for her because everyone can visit and be relaxed and happy to see her, not engulfed with her illness.

I had to detach from my mother's mental illness for my own health. She kept choosing to go off meds and I had to refuse to allow the constant calls of anxiety and in her care the tirades and rage fits. Even on meds, she needs changes now and then and I know because I am the first person she lashes out at. We have a service monitoring her so I simply call them and they send someone to talk with her and evaluate. She hates me for it, but it is a must.

Oh and re paid respite for my dad- she literally won’t let him leave her side even if a carer and me are there.

I really struggle with it bc it feels so selfish to me.

Op - she actually does have physical issues also, and an upcoming surgery to address them.

My dad does have a part to play and does enable it to an extent. I have tried to talk to him and say exactly what a pp said - that if she shakes and cries then that sucks but she won’t die from it and he needs to focus on himself sometimes also. He seems reluctant

She refuses to ever go into a care home. My dad says they have calculated that if she lives another 20y (she is about to be 77), it will cost about $6m in live in care and other expenses. But not my money so there you go.

The whole thing is pretty unfortunate.

You are basically going to have to walk away from your mom. You aren’t going to solve this. You just have to save yourself/

Anonymous wrote:It’s on your dad for putting up with it and enabling it. So she cries and shakes if she is alone one second, then so be it. Your dad is essentially giving up his life. You need to focus on him.

13:06 here. This is a cruel and clueless response. The mom is mentally ill and though hard, she deserves compassion and a compassionate plan drawn up by her loved ones. You wouldn’t blame a cancer patient for vomiting on your new rug, would you?

It’s on your dad for putting up with it and enabling it. So she cries and shakes if she is alone one second, then so be it. Your dad is essentially giving up his life. You need to focus on him.

My heart goes out to you and your family. I recognize myself in your post. First, realize that you are important and your kids will only be young once. Try hard to protect the quality of time you devote to your marriage and kids; the other can be so consuming.

My situation differed in that my parents were poor, mom had significant physical health problems that required frequent in-patient hospital care, and (so lucky) mom ended up dying before dad.

1. Thank the stars that your mom doesn’t have severe mental illness combined with severe physical health problems. You haven’t experienced true helpless until you’ve been in a situation where the mental health ward won’t admit her because they can’t treat the ohysical, and the regular health ward won’t admit her because of the mental illness.

2. Make sure your dad has regular, paid respite relief. They are blessed with resources.

3. You absolutely cannot be the primary care giver if dad goes first. It’s untenable. What you describe is a women who requires round-the-click care. Do your research now, get on a waiting list now for a good place, and make sure you finalize all the paperwork that gives you medical and financial power of attorney to move her if dad goes first.

4. Your mom is in no place to be involved in decisions related to this plan.

Sending hugs.

My mom has severe anxiety and NPD and resisted any kind of change. It took a couple of falls before we could get her into an assisted living facility. (The doc and social worker at the rehab told her she couldn’t live alone.) It was not easy, but she is in a much better place physically and psychologically now. The psych nurse at the AL facility got her on more effective meds, and she has support and structure she didn’t have before. I also hired a geriatric care manager to be “feet on the ground” for me as I live 500 miles away. I’m still POA, handle all finances, insurance and logistics, but I can live my own life now. And she grudgingly admits she’s better off after having fought it for so long. Good luck, OP. I hope you can find an arrangement that takes some of the burden off of you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should go to an assisted living facility.
Perhaps a guardian can be appointed for her.

Op - she refuses to do this. And additionally the thing that bothers me most and makes me so resentful is she’s in total denial that she has any of these issues. Totally self obsessed (but physically focused). Has barely ever conceded to get therapy

This is so common. It’s just part of the illness.

After your father is gone, if there’s a crisis, social workers and health care providers will get involved. She will have the right to refuse. And unless she is an imminent danger to herself or others, she can refuse. All you can do is decide your boundaries and call adult protective services if a need arises.

op - it's to the point where she can't be alone for even one second (dad can barely do anything or she cries and shakes). so my problem is I'm not sure how to be involved in a sort of 'boundaried' way.
I find myself feeling super resentful of her lack of resilience and then feeling like an awful person. But truly to me the crux of it must be that the mental illness is not being adequately managed and probably will need to be closely managed forever, rather than her relying on people to sit with her while she panics.

Bluntly, is there family money or property you want to inherit?
If you don't care about that, you could step away in a legal sense.
Dad and she could have another person with POA. If he dies, there can be an appointed guardian. Not you.
Assets will all be consumed but that's not your problem.

Can your father or you talk to the psychiatrist and explain what is happening? Is your mom not taking her meds?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She should go to an assisted living facility.
Perhaps a guardian can be appointed for her.

Op - she refuses to do this. And additionally the thing that bothers me most and makes me so resentful is she’s in total denial that she has any of these issues. Totally self obsessed (but physically focused). Has barely ever conceded to get therapy

This is so common. It’s just part of the illness.

After your father is gone, if there’s a crisis, social workers and health care providers will get involved. She will have the right to refuse. And unless she is an imminent danger to herself or others, she can refuse. All you can do is decide your boundaries and call adult protective services if a need arises.

I would suggest that you let them figure this out on their own until they ask for your help and expect that that may never happen. You aren’t responsible for them.