Anonymous
03/13/2024 20:26
Subject: DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. Will they take him away for being violent? I don’t want that and I think I’m scared that will happen.
It’s hard because he’s never been violent at school or with other caregivers. 98% of the violence happens only with me. It’s so weird. He will be in a happy mood and excited to see me and still within minutes he becomes violent.
I know a child like this. It’s definitely being maintained by the mother’s reaction and I think could be really helped by a better behavioral intervention.
Have you had anyone come to the home to help?
I know it’s hard but you really need to fully disclose it to the doctors. You can limit the disclosure to the ones you think need to know. Unless he’s hurting his sibling they aren’t going to call CPS.
I definitely felt the same way disclosing my DS’s worst behavior. Even now when the aggression is extremely infrequent and mild.
Op here. Weve done several functional behavioral assessments that show that DS has an extreme drive to get my attention and will choose that over literally anything else. Our therapist says she has never seen a child so singularly motivated by getting one adults attention to the point where there is nothing he will ever choose over getting my attention. She didn’t really have any insight as to why this might be though or what has caused him to have such an intense drive for my attention.
Anonymous
03/13/2024 20:22
Subject: DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that
Does he have proprioceptive deficits? Maybe throwing himself around is related?
Anonymous
03/13/2024 20:21
Subject: DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:“Violent” how?
Op here. Hitting, kicking, punching, throwing things at me, swiping everything off the counter or grabbing anything he can get hands on to throw or destroy, spitting, biting, throwing himself into sliding glass doors, etc.
what does the behavioral therapist say you should do when he does this?
Op here. I’m still not really clear on what exactly I’m supposed to do. I know I’m not supposed to look at him or talk to him when I’m restraining or stopping him. And I know I’m supposed to keep things out of reach that he might grab or throw. And I know DH is supposed to take the lead in situations where these behaviors are likely to occur. And I know we’re supposed to do things like reinforcing good behavior and structured play time to teach him appropriate ways to request my attention. I’m still not sure what the incident response plan is supposed to be when he’s literally attacking me (aside from removing myself from the situation).
Anonymous
03/13/2024 20:20
Subject: DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. Will they take him away for being violent? I don’t want that and I think I’m scared that will happen.
It’s hard because he’s never been violent at school or with other caregivers. 98% of the violence happens only with me. It’s so weird. He will be in a happy mood and excited to see me and still within minutes he becomes violent.
I know a child like this. It’s definitely being maintained by the mother’s reaction and I think could be really helped by a better behavioral intervention.
Have you had anyone come to the home to help?
I know it’s hard but you really need to fully disclose it to the doctors. You can limit the disclosure to the ones you think need to know. Unless he’s hurting his sibling they aren’t going to call CPS.
I definitely felt the same way disclosing my DS’s worst behavior. Even now when the aggression is extremely infrequent and mild.
Don't blame the mother for this child's aggression. Clearly he needs appropriate medication.
It’s pretty fundamental that there are better and worse ways to respond to unwanted behavior. I assume the child is on medication given the mention of the psychiatrist. But the mom I know absolutely maintains the behavior by the way she reacts. What makes this different is that the behavior isn’t generalized but is directed towards one person. And this isn’t blaming the mother, obviously.
Op here. It probably is my fault. I was following the gentle parenting/Dr. Becky/Angela Lansbury stuff long after I should have stopped. All of that stuff worked well on our firstborn who is NT. I didn’t know any other way with DS. Now with all the training I’m getting in ABA and the parenting classes, I’m seeing how physical guidance is a hugely effective and necessary tool. I really bought too much into the concept of bodily autonomy in children (I’m a SA survivor myself). I wish I’d understood the ABA frameworks sooner and learned how to be more of an enforcer. I was too flexible for too long and am having to re-learn a lot of things. It’s hard because our older DC did really well with the more flexible parenting approach and I incorrectly understood or thought that was the new consensus or what the evidence said we should be doing as parents now.
Gentle parenting might have not been ideal for this child, but that doesn't makeit your fault.
Anonymous
03/13/2024 20:16
Subject: DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that
Do you have footage of being attacked? I would really show his doctors and behaviorists. You aren't being disloyal by showing them the footage. You need help and you can't get it unless you can talk about the problem.
Anonymous
03/13/2024 20:15
Subject: DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. Will they take him away for being violent? I don’t want that and I think I’m scared that will happen.
It’s hard because he’s never been violent at school or with other caregivers. 98% of the violence happens only with me. It’s so weird. He will be in a happy mood and excited to see me and still within minutes he becomes violent.
I know a child like this. It’s definitely being maintained by the mother’s reaction and I think could be really helped by a better behavioral intervention.
Have you had anyone come to the home to help?
I know it’s hard but you really need to fully disclose it to the doctors. You can limit the disclosure to the ones you think need to know. Unless he’s hurting his sibling they aren’t going to call CPS.
I definitely felt the same way disclosing my DS’s worst behavior. Even now when the aggression is extremely infrequent and mild.
Don't blame the mother for this child's aggression. Clearly he needs appropriate medication.
It’s pretty fundamental that there are better and worse ways to respond to unwanted behavior. I assume the child is on medication given the mention of the psychiatrist. But the mom I know absolutely maintains the behavior by the way she reacts. What makes this different is that the behavior isn’t generalized but is directed towards one person. And this isn’t blaming the mother, obviously.
Op here. It probably is my fault. I was following the gentle parenting/Dr. Becky/Angela Lansbury stuff long after I should have stopped. All of that stuff worked well on our firstborn who is NT. I didn’t know any other way with DS. Now with all the training I’m getting in ABA and the parenting classes, I’m seeing how physical guidance is a hugely effective and necessary tool. I really bought too much into the concept of bodily autonomy in children (I’m a SA survivor myself). I wish I’d understood the ABA frameworks sooner and learned how to be more of an enforcer. I was too flexible for too long and am having to re-learn a lot of things. It’s hard because our older DC did really well with the more flexible parenting approach and I incorrectly understood or thought that was the new consensus or what the evidence said we should be doing as parents now.
Anonymous
03/13/2024 20:15
Subject: DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:“Violent” how?
Op here. Hitting, kicking, punching, throwing things at me, swiping everything off the counter or grabbing anything he can get hands on to throw or destroy, spitting, biting, throwing himself into sliding glass doors, etc.
what does the behavioral therapist say you should do when he does this?
Anonymous
03/13/2024 20:14
Subject: DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that
Will he do it if another adult is there like a babysitter, neighbor, grandparent present or another child is over?
Anonymous
03/13/2024 20:11
Subject: DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that
Anonymous wrote:“Violent” how?
Op here. Hitting, kicking, punching, throwing things at me, swiping everything off the counter or grabbing anything he can get hands on to throw or destroy, spitting, biting, throwing himself into sliding glass doors, etc.
Anonymous
03/13/2024 20:10
Subject: DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. Will they take him away for being violent? I don’t want that and I think I’m scared that will happen.
It’s hard because he’s never been violent at school or with other caregivers. 98% of the violence happens only with me. It’s so weird. He will be in a happy mood and excited to see me and still within minutes he becomes violent.
I know a child like this. It’s definitely being maintained by the mother’s reaction and I think could be really helped by a better behavioral intervention.
Have you had anyone come to the home to help?
I know it’s hard but you really need to fully disclose it to the doctors. You can limit the disclosure to the ones you think need to know. Unless he’s hurting his sibling they aren’t going to call CPS.
I definitely felt the same way disclosing my DS’s worst behavior. Even now when the aggression is extremely infrequent and mild.
Don't blame the mother for this child's aggression. Clearly he needs appropriate medication.
It’s pretty fundamental that there are better and worse ways to respond to unwanted behavior. I assume the child is on medication given the mention of the psychiatrist. But the mom I know absolutely maintains the behavior by the way she reacts. What makes this different is that the behavior isn’t generalized but is directed towards one person. And this isn’t blaming the mother, obviously.
Anonymous
03/13/2024 19:25
Subject: DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that
“Violent” how?
Anonymous
03/13/2024 19:20
Subject: DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. Will they take him away for being violent? I don’t want that and I think I’m scared that will happen.
It’s hard because he’s never been violent at school or with other caregivers. 98% of the violence happens only with me. It’s so weird. He will be in a happy mood and excited to see me and still within minutes he becomes violent.
I know a child like this. It’s definitely being maintained by the mother’s reaction and I think could be really helped by a better behavioral intervention.
Have you had anyone come to the home to help?
I know it’s hard but you really need to fully disclose it to the doctors. You can limit the disclosure to the ones you think need to know. Unless he’s hurting his sibling they aren’t going to call CPS.
I definitely felt the same way disclosing my DS’s worst behavior. Even now when the aggression is extremely infrequent and mild.
Don't blame the mother for this child's aggression. Clearly he needs appropriate medication.
Anonymous
03/13/2024 18:20
Subject: DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Will they take him away for being violent? I don’t want that and I think I’m scared that will happen.
It’s hard because he’s never been violent at school or with other caregivers. 98% of the violence happens only with me. It’s so weird. He will be in a happy mood and excited to see me and still within minutes he becomes violent.
I know a child like this. It’s definitely being maintained by the mother’s reaction and I think could be really helped by a better behavioral intervention.
Have you had anyone come to the home to help?
I know it’s hard but you really need to fully disclose it to the doctors. You can limit the disclosure to the ones you think need to know. Unless he’s hurting his sibling they aren’t going to call CPS.
I definitely felt the same way disclosing my DS’s worst behavior. Even now when the aggression is extremely infrequent and mild.
Anonymous
03/13/2024 18:15
Subject: DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that
Is he taking medications?
Anonymous
03/13/2024 18:07
Subject: DS is violent and I am having a hard time telling the truth about that
Anonymous wrote:Op here. Will they take him away for being violent? I don’t want that and I think I’m scared that will happen.
It’s hard because he’s never been violent at school or with other caregivers. 98% of the violence happens only with me. It’s so weird. He will be in a happy mood and excited to see me and still within minutes he becomes violent.
Very unlikely given everything you are doing to help him. But if you don't protect your other child, there is a risk they could be. That's why it's so important to have a solid safety plan. I have even heard about situations where the parents rent adjacent apartments and separate the kids, with the parents switching back and forth. But I really hope you can get enough help that isn't needed.