Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 11:13     Subject: Re:The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone here so offended? There's nothing wrong with a traditional marriage, plenty of people go that route. I used to have a career but when my boy was born I realized how important it was for me and the family to stay with him and to not miss any steps. Having kids is a life changing experience and the things you want today might not be important tomorrow.



There's plenty of things wrong with a " traditional" marriage which btw never existed.

But even if we save that conversation for another time.
The reason people are telling op to go is because her boyfriend doesn't value ops opinion on the matter.

Her boyfriend doesn't value the role of a SAHM either he values control and his feelings not good qualities of a husband or father.

- SAHM
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 11:11     Subject: Re:The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone here so offended? There's nothing wrong with a traditional marriage, plenty of people go that route. I used to have a career but when my boy was born I realized how important it was for me and the family to stay with him and to not miss any steps. Having kids is a life changing experience and the things you want today might not be important tomorrow.


Nobody is offended. They recognize him as the controlling jerk he is. He will make an absolutely awful father.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 11:11     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Honestly the biggest red flag for me is him saying he’s a better provider than caretaker. That suggests to me that even if you worked through the rest and OP kept working he’d expect her to carry the lion’s share of child rearing.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 11:10     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:As the title. I'm dating someone and things started getting more serious, so marriage and children plans came up. Both of us love our careers and make an income comparable to each other's and both of us have room for growth. I understand that things don't always happen exactly as we wish, but my ideal situation is that both of us take parental leave and slightly reduce our hours to take turns in taking care of kids. And of course we'd need to combine this with a good daycare. However, he's adamant that I stay home because our future children need someone to be there for them. I asked him unironically he would be ok being the one to stay home and he said "hell no". He says he's a better provider than caretaker and that I wouldn't need to worry about money at all.

I'm 36 and suffer from PCOS so I should be panicking about my biological clock, but this conversation made seriously think not only about kids, but under which conditions I'd like to raise them and honestly, being childless is starting to become more appealing than going back to depend on another person. I'm not sure if I should give this a go or if we're too different from each other for this relationship to work.


NP. Run away fast. He is controlling and this will only get much much worse. And I say that as someone who has both stayed home and worked.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 11:09     Subject: Re:The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:Then break up with him. You’re obviously not compatible.


This.

Fundamentally not compatible.

Have this chat sooner next time so you don't get attached and waste time.

I have PCOS and have 2 kids, both born later than 36. Cutting out sugar and acupuncture really helped fertility for me. You have time to find someone with the same goals and values. Cut this one loose.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 11:06     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:Listen to what he’s said and don’t expect him to change his mind. He’s not wrong for not wanting to stay home with kids and neither are you. You just want different things. It is what it is. Better to break up now than drag it out.

I’m happy as a SAHM and was looking for someone like your boyfriend. You’re looking for someone who wants to take on a 50-50 role. That’s OK. You would both resent each other if you became parents together.



+1. Neither of you is wrong, but you aren’t right together.

PP here with the brother like OP’s BF.

Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 11:04     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
1, I’m shocked because most men don’t want this at all. Most younger men don’t want to support a whole family, they barely want to support themselves. 2, it’s fine that he wants a stay at home mom but if you don’t want that, that’s also fine. But it also means that you’re not compatible, so best to move on quickly if that’s the case.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 11:03     Subject: Re:The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
He sounds very controlling from the post. I would worry he would be controlling for everything.

He also sounds like he wants a marriage with very gender specific roles.

Find a partner that has values compatible with yours.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 11:03     Subject: Re:The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone here so offended? There's nothing wrong with a traditional marriage, plenty of people go that route. I used to have a career but when my boy was born I realized how important it was for me and the family to stay with him and to not miss any steps. Having kids is a life changing experience and the things you want today might not be important tomorrow.


OP here. I grew up in a traditional family and spent a few years unemployed when dating my ex-partner as I had difficulty finding a job in my field. I don't want to repeat any of that and a child is very unlikely to change how I feel.



Okay. So stop dating this man. He's not for you.

Ideally you would be with someone flexible meaning he's cool with you working or staying home.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 10:45     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:he's adamant that I stay home because our future children need someone to be there for them.

Some of us on DCUM believe it's more important to be home/available for your children during the teen years than it is for age 0-5.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 10:43     Subject: Re:The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone here so offended? There's nothing wrong with a traditional marriage, plenty of people go that route. I used to have a career but when my boy was born I realized how important it was for me and the family to stay with him and to not miss any steps. Having kids is a life changing experience and the things you want today might not be important tomorrow.


OP here. I grew up in a traditional family and spent a few years unemployed when dating my ex-partner as I had difficulty finding a job in my field. I don't want to repeat any of that and a child is very unlikely to change how I feel.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 10:41     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Listen to what he’s said and don’t expect him to change his mind. He’s not wrong for not wanting to stay home with kids and neither are you. You just want different things. It is what it is. Better to break up now than drag it out.

I’m happy as a SAHM and was looking for someone like your boyfriend. You’re looking for someone who wants to take on a 50-50 role. That’s OK. You would both resent each other if you became parents together.

Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 10:40     Subject: Re:The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone here so offended? There's nothing wrong with a traditional marriage, plenty of people go that route. I used to have a career but when my boy was born I realized how important it was for me and the family to stay with him and to not miss any steps. Having kids is a life changing experience and the things you want today might not be important tomorrow.


What if she never changes her mind? What if he keeps working to realize his job is not that important?
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 10:39     Subject: The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
As a fellow woman with PCOS I was totally infertile (miscarriages and cannot carry) after 36. Please freeze your eggs now. Do not delay.

Also dump that guy. Red flag for control freak.
Anonymous
Post 03/09/2024 10:39     Subject: Re:The man I'm dating told me he'd like me to stay home after kids, I don't want to do that.
Anonymous wrote:Why is everyone here so offended? There's nothing wrong with a traditional marriage, plenty of people go that route. I used to have a career but when my boy was born I realized how important it was for me and the family to stay with him and to not miss any steps. Having kids is a life changing experience and the things you want today might not be important tomorrow.


It's a perfectly valid choice for someone to make. We're offended that this guy wants to make a choice for OP that he's completely unwilling to consider for himself.