Anonymous
Post 03/04/2024 18:13     Subject: Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:100% the parents’ fault for not seeking a diagnosis for their child when treatment could have made a difference.

All of these failures to launch have mental health issues, probably some form of autism and the accompanying anxiety/OCD/ADHD/health issues that are so often comorbid.

I’ve worked SO hard with my oldest, who has ASD/ADHD/OCD to hoist him into college. Then we’ll have to hoist him into a job. Our goal is financial independence for him, so he’s not a burden on his siblings. All my kids are well aware of this goal. My son himself understands he needs to support himself - even though every day tasks are hard for him.

You are a victim, but don’t forget the failures are victims too. They were never given a chance.


This is the truth. But I don't know what the solution is for the OP at this point.


I'm the PP you replied to. The only solution is for OP to warn the family that she is unable to provide support for her sibling. And then, if something terrible happens, it will be up to OP to decide whether she wants to swoop in. I have a friend who pays the bills directly for a drug addicted sibling. The sibling cannot be trusted with the money, but occasionally helping with the rent or food ensures they have the basics. But this strictly on a case-by-case basis and it's best if OP makes clear now that the sibling cannot count on anything.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2024 18:07     Subject: Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can your parents leave all their estate to her? I would recommend you suggest they do that and tell them you and brother will not be able to financially support her since you have your own families to take care of. Be very firm about this.


PP here. Why?! You think the deadbeat sibling won’t burn through the money and then you’re back where you started.

Why should PP give up any chance of an inheritance? That is ridiculous. So the other sibling can suck every single penny from their parents all the way to the end?!


It is not fair, but with the inheritance comes the expectation to take care of the sibling. In fact, if they voice that they won’t take care of sibling, parents may just leave the estate to her anyway.

OP and productive sibling will be happier just washing their hands of it. Maybe youngest sib can live off the inheritance for a while and if she understands that there is no more money coming, she might get her act together.


And you know this, how? I am a PP with a freeloader brother. If my parents choose to leave everything so be it, but it would be very offensive to my kids, their only grandchildren. I have been firm I am not taking care of him, and if they left anything to me or my kids I would have zero expectation to fund anything for him. Telling OP to tell their parents to just leave everything to the freeloader is just one more enabling thing on top of another.

Unless you have a freeloading sibling you will not understand.


I am one of the pps recommending this and I do have a freeloader sibling. My sibling is unmarried and got everything. I can choose to be offended or move on with my life.


Super glad it worked out for you but for my situation I don’t agree. And that’s ok.


Yes, you’ll have to see what happens when your parents die.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2024 18:05     Subject: Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can your parents leave all their estate to her? I would recommend you suggest they do that and tell them you and brother will not be able to financially support her since you have your own families to take care of. Be very firm about this.


PP here. Why?! You think the deadbeat sibling won’t burn through the money and then you’re back where you started.

Why should PP give up any chance of an inheritance? That is ridiculous. So the other sibling can suck every single penny from their parents all the way to the end?!


It is not fair, but with the inheritance comes the expectation to take care of the sibling. In fact, if they voice that they won’t take care of sibling, parents may just leave the estate to her anyway.

OP and productive sibling will be happier just washing their hands of it. Maybe youngest sib can live off the inheritance for a while and if she understands that there is no more money coming, she might get her act together.


And you know this, how? I am a PP with a freeloader brother. If my parents choose to leave everything so be it, but it would be very offensive to my kids, their only grandchildren. I have been firm I am not taking care of him, and if they left anything to me or my kids I would have zero expectation to fund anything for him. Telling OP to tell their parents to just leave everything to the freeloader is just one more enabling thing on top of another.

Unless you have a freeloading sibling you will not understand.


I am one of the pps recommending this and I do have a freeloader sibling. My sibling is unmarried and got everything. I can choose to be offended or move on with my life.


Super glad it worked out for you but for my situation I don’t agree. And that’s ok.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2024 18:04     Subject: Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass
Anonymous wrote:100% the parents’ fault for not seeking a diagnosis for their child when treatment could have made a difference.

All of these failures to launch have mental health issues, probably some form of autism and the accompanying anxiety/OCD/ADHD/health issues that are so often comorbid.

I’ve worked SO hard with my oldest, who has ASD/ADHD/OCD to hoist him into college. Then we’ll have to hoist him into a job. Our goal is financial independence for him, so he’s not a burden on his siblings. All my kids are well aware of this goal. My son himself understands he needs to support himself - even though every day tasks are hard for him.

You are a victim, but don’t forget the failures are victims too. They were never given a chance.


This is the truth. But I don't know what the solution is for the OP at this point.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2024 17:57     Subject: Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can your parents leave all their estate to her? I would recommend you suggest they do that and tell them you and brother will not be able to financially support her since you have your own families to take care of. Be very firm about this.


PP here. Why?! You think the deadbeat sibling won’t burn through the money and then you’re back where you started.

Why should PP give up any chance of an inheritance? That is ridiculous. So the other sibling can suck every single penny from their parents all the way to the end?!


It is not fair, but with the inheritance comes the expectation to take care of the sibling. In fact, if they voice that they won’t take care of sibling, parents may just leave the estate to her anyway.

OP and productive sibling will be happier just washing their hands of it. Maybe youngest sib can live off the inheritance for a while and if she understands that there is no more money coming, she might get her act together.


And you know this, how? I am a PP with a freeloader brother. If my parents choose to leave everything so be it, but it would be very offensive to my kids, their only grandchildren. I have been firm I am not taking care of him, and if they left anything to me or my kids I would have zero expectation to fund anything for him. Telling OP to tell their parents to just leave everything to the freeloader is just one more enabling thing on top of another.

Unless you have a freeloading sibling you will not understand.


I am one of the pps recommending this and I do have a freeloader sibling. My sibling is unmarried and got everything. I can choose to be offended or move on with my life.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2024 17:46     Subject: Re:Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass
Anonymous wrote:My BIL expects us to not only care for him but wants to live with us or he's suggested we move to where he is.

I care deeply about him but hell to the no, none of the above will happen. He has driven off family, no longer has any friends and constantly bickers with the neighbors over stupid stuff. His sister lives a city block from him and she never visits or calls. I think the house is so dirty she refuses to go there.

He's got a chip on his shoulder the size of a truck tire. He is by far the laziest human on this ship. I am not exaggerating either. This man goes grocery shopping, leaves his groceries in the car except for cold stuff and just takes out what he needs daily. Plus he has cats. We don't know how many but it's a lot. I buy his cat food because I'm afraid he will feed the cats some people food that will make them sick. He eats things no one should ever eat.

All I know is I hope I die before my husband does because I will end up having to take care of him in his old age. I can't do it. I really can't. If it were my parents I would gladly do what I needed to do but not with him. The stress alone would literally kill me.
Should my husband go before me I am moving to another state and will have my sister come live with me.


Textbook autism, PP. Most of these failure to launch adults are autistic. The disorder is often comorbid with social and generalized anxiety, OCD, mental rigidity, and executive function issues (ADHD). He doesn't clean his house because he can't. He hoards because he's both a cheapskate and he can't triage and sort. He transgresses things like expiration dates and stores things in his car, because he's not restricted by social mores and has discovered it's OK.

My husband is autistic. If he was a little more impacted by it than he is, and didn't have a high IQ to stave off the worse of it, he would be your BIL. As it is, I have to keep a watchful eye on expiration dates and draw red lines for his hoarding tendencies.





Anonymous
Post 03/04/2024 17:38     Subject: Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can your parents leave all their estate to her? I would recommend you suggest they do that and tell them you and brother will not be able to financially support her since you have your own families to take care of. Be very firm about this.


PP here. Why?! You think the deadbeat sibling won’t burn through the money and then you’re back where you started.

Why should PP give up any chance of an inheritance? That is ridiculous. So the other sibling can suck every single penny from their parents all the way to the end?!


It is not fair, but with the inheritance comes the expectation to take care of the sibling. In fact, if they voice that they won’t take care of sibling, parents may just leave the estate to her anyway.

OP and productive sibling will be happier just washing their hands of it. Maybe youngest sib can live off the inheritance for a while and if she understands that there is no more money coming, she might get her act together.


And you know this, how? I am a PP with a freeloader brother. If my parents choose to leave everything so be it, but it would be very offensive to my kids, their only grandchildren. I have been firm I am not taking care of him, and if they left anything to me or my kids I would have zero expectation to fund anything for him. Telling OP to tell their parents to just leave everything to the freeloader is just one more enabling thing on top of another.

Unless you have a freeloading sibling you will not understand.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2024 16:52     Subject: Re:Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass
Anonymous wrote:My BIL expects us to not only care for him but wants to live with us or he's suggested we move to where he is.

I care deeply about him but hell to the no, none of the above will happen. He has driven off family, no longer has any friends and constantly bickers with the neighbors over stupid stuff. His sister lives a city block from him and she never visits or calls. I think the house is so dirty she refuses to go there.

He's got a chip on his shoulder the size of a truck tire. He is by far the laziest human on this ship. I am not exaggerating either. This man goes grocery shopping, leaves his groceries in the car except for cold stuff and just takes out what he needs daily. Plus he has cats. We don't know how many but it's a lot. I buy his cat food because I'm afraid he will feed the cats some people food that will make them sick. He eats things no one should ever eat.

All I know is I hope I die before my husband does because I will end up having to take care of him in his old age. I can't do it. I really can't. If it were my parents I would gladly do what I needed to do but not with him. The stress alone would literally kill me.
Should my husband go before me I am moving to another state and will have my sister come live with me.


Why do you have to die or run away? You and DH tell him NOW that he will not be able to move in with you EVER nor will you support him financially.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2024 16:45     Subject: Re:Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass
My BIL expects us to not only care for him but wants to live with us or he's suggested we move to where he is.

I care deeply about him but hell to the no, none of the above will happen. He has driven off family, no longer has any friends and constantly bickers with the neighbors over stupid stuff. His sister lives a city block from him and she never visits or calls. I think the house is so dirty she refuses to go there.

He's got a chip on his shoulder the size of a truck tire. He is by far the laziest human on this ship. I am not exaggerating either. This man goes grocery shopping, leaves his groceries in the car except for cold stuff and just takes out what he needs daily. Plus he has cats. We don't know how many but it's a lot. I buy his cat food because I'm afraid he will feed the cats some people food that will make them sick. He eats things no one should ever eat.

All I know is I hope I die before my husband does because I will end up having to take care of him in his old age. I can't do it. I really can't. If it were my parents I would gladly do what I needed to do but not with him. The stress alone would literally kill me.
Should my husband go before me I am moving to another state and will have my sister come live with me.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2024 16:40     Subject: Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass
You just say no. That’s it. She will get it together or she won’t, her choice.

I guarantee she would never lift a finger to help you OP.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2024 15:35     Subject: Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass
I have a similar situation in my famiy except the attractive, spoiled, failure-to-launch baby is my brother. Never finished college, racked up credit card debt that my parents repeatedly paid off because he had the same name as my father, never married, and went from one low-paying temporary job to another. He convinced my widowed mother to leave him everything. Sister and I decided to wash our hands of him and focus on our own lives. He lives in a deteriorating, hoarded house with a pool that has become a duck pond. This house was my parent's pride and joy. Maybe he'll finally get his act together.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2024 15:20     Subject: Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can your parents leave all their estate to her? I would recommend you suggest they do that and tell them you and brother will not be able to financially support her since you have your own families to take care of. Be very firm about this.


PP here. Why?! You think the deadbeat sibling won’t burn through the money and then you’re back where you started.

Why should PP give up any chance of an inheritance? That is ridiculous. So the other sibling can suck every single penny from their parents all the way to the end?!


It is not fair, but with the inheritance comes the expectation to take care of the sibling. In fact, if they voice that they won’t take care of sibling, parents may just leave the estate to her anyway.

OP and productive sibling will be happier just washing their hands of it. Maybe youngest sib can live off the inheritance for a while and if she understands that there is no more money coming, she might get her act together.


Exactly right and I've been in OP's shoes. Parental money comes with strings. I consider it the price of my freedom and peace of mind going forward.


Also, I don’t like counting on inheritances from loved ones, but practically speaking, your inheritance is thousands and thousands lower because your parents have been supporting your sister. She’s already getting the inheritance, in essence!
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2024 14:16     Subject: Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can your parents leave all their estate to her? I would recommend you suggest they do that and tell them you and brother will not be able to financially support her since you have your own families to take care of. Be very firm about this.


PP here. Why?! You think the deadbeat sibling won’t burn through the money and then you’re back where you started.

Why should PP give up any chance of an inheritance? That is ridiculous. So the other sibling can suck every single penny from their parents all the way to the end?!


It is not fair, but with the inheritance comes the expectation to take care of the sibling. In fact, if they voice that they won’t take care of sibling, parents may just leave the estate to her anyway.

OP and productive sibling will be happier just washing their hands of it. Maybe youngest sib can live off the inheritance for a while and if she understands that there is no more money coming, she might get her act together.


Exactly right and I've been in OP's shoes. Parental money comes with strings. I consider it the price of my freedom and peace of mind going forward.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2024 14:11     Subject: Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can your parents leave all their estate to her? I would recommend you suggest they do that and tell them you and brother will not be able to financially support her since you have your own families to take care of. Be very firm about this.


PP here. Why?! You think the deadbeat sibling won’t burn through the money and then you’re back where you started.

Why should PP give up any chance of an inheritance? That is ridiculous. So the other sibling can suck every single penny from their parents all the way to the end?!


It is not fair, but with the inheritance comes the expectation to take care of the sibling. In fact, if they voice that they won’t take care of sibling, parents may just leave the estate to her anyway.

OP and productive sibling will be happier just washing their hands of it. Maybe youngest sib can live off the inheritance for a while and if she understands that there is no more money coming, she might get her act together.
Anonymous
Post 03/04/2024 14:04     Subject: Worried about freeloader sibling when parents pass
Have a family meeting now while everyone is lucid and not have memory issues.

Say you'll not be letting sister live with your or give her any money to keep her in her lifestyle.

Take notes and get everything in writing. Make sure sister understands.