Anonymous wrote:When you decide to live in an affluent neighborhood and put your kids in the “good” school, this is what you get. Entitlement all around. You are fighting a strong tide. You probably already have a house cleaner and yard maintenance…so jobs around the house you can routinely get her do as extra (above taking care of her own room/belonging) are going to be minimal and won’t keep up with the cost of her wants.

I would just say no to most. She can ask for things for birthday, Christmas, Easter if you get gifts. Otherwise, pass out fliers in the neighborhood to dog walk, be a mother’s helper (though they probably all have hired help already).

I am the PP who suggested working for $$$. This is not true. Our kids go to the best schools and take great trips. We specifically toned down outside help so they can pick up chores.

But the idea is not that that are able to work for ALL their wants. The idea is that they learn to prioritize which wants mean the most to them, and are worth the labor they put in.

No one should get everything they want. It’s a horrible life lesson.

I cannot imagine giving a 12 yo $180/month. I don’t spend that on clothes for the entire family.

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:My Dd , 12, is going through the exact same thing. She never used to care about this stuff but it’s friends and social media. Some of her friends are flying all over to see Taylor swift etc….She gets an alllowance (we do greenlight and it’s linked to chores) and she can put these on her bday/Xmas list but she doesn’t get it all. I tell her that I think she’s falling prey to marketing and the difference between Lululemon and generic is nothing but her additional 80$ but she doesn’t care.

Developmentally, this is a hard age. She just started middle school. My daughter clearly feels an intense need to fit in and be liked by her peers. Her friend group has shifted and I think she’s no longer close with some of her pals from last year, when things were much easier and sweeter. She is moody and incredibly embarrassed by us and especially her older brother who is, in her eyes, a super weird nerd (he is actually a really odd, on the spectrum kid and one day I hope she understands that again and is compassionate but for now)….

I’m trying to ride through this and hope she will come out the other side a thoughtful and intellectually curious and kind person. I do think social media has been corrosive and we recently out stricter limits on stuff.

But this isn’t even true! The difference is the brand, and the brand is social currency/signaling. We might think it’s dumb and be right, but why have a conversation about how pants are sewn when that’s obviously not the point?

+1

I wouldn't fight this too much. My 12 yo asks for very few things, but she is a loner. She is very smart but also judgey and introverted. When she hears about "crap" other girls want, she says it's stupid. She does understand why they need it, etc. Like, she didn't want a new iPhone, because her old android is "still working".

But that's a signal of her social deficit in some way. We actually jump to buy her whatever few popular things she does ask for, it's so rare for her to care to fit in.

As PP explained, you need to understand the value that this stuff has for her, not their "objective" value in adult world.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What are the $150 PJs?!?

Roller Rabbit

Oh shiz yeah, I can see how this happened. They’re just nice enough, just cute enough, just recognizable enough and just expensive enough. Sleepover domination. A retail coup.

The person who gives their kid a $150 clothing allowance EACH MONTH??? 😳

Just. Say. No.

Anonymous wrote:What are the $150 PJs?!?

Roller Rabbit??

Anonymous wrote:What are the $150 PJs?!?

Roller Rabbit

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kid: I want $150 pjs.
Me: great, put them on your birthday wish list

Same. Usually I’d say something like, if you still want them by your birthday, add it to the list.

I was shocked to read about the $150 a month clothing allowance. I can’t imagine giving my kid $1800 a year for clothes.

That's because $180/month (it was $150 + $30 "regular" allowance) is a shocking amount of money to hand to a 12-year-old every month. WTF.

Anyway, this is the approach I always used too: put it on your birthdaychristmas list.

[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:My Dd , 12, is going through the exact same thing. She never used to care about this stuff but it’s friends and social media. Some of her friends are flying all over to see Taylor swift etc….She gets an alllowance (we do greenlight and it’s linked to chores) and she can put these on her bday/Xmas list but she doesn’t get it all. I tell her that I think she’s falling prey to marketing and the difference between Lululemon and generic is nothing but her additional 80$ but she doesn’t care.

Developmentally, this is a hard age. She just started middle school. My daughter clearly feels an intense need to fit in and be liked by her peers. Her friend group has shifted and I think she’s no longer close with some of her pals from last year, when things were much easier and sweeter. She is moody and incredibly embarrassed by us and especially her older brother who is, in her eyes, a super weird nerd (he is actually a really odd, on the spectrum kid and one day I hope she understands that again and is compassionate but for now)….

I’m trying to ride through this and hope she will come out the other side a thoughtful and intellectually curious and kind person. I do think social media has been corrosive and we recently out stricter limits on stuff.

But this isn’t even true! The difference is the brand, and the brand is social currency/signaling. We might think it’s dumb and be right, but why have a conversation about how pants are sewn when that’s obviously not the point?

What are the $150 PJs?!?

For our family, we picked something we all cared about - travel. We would take (and still take) fancy vacations with the kids. And tell our kids this is where our priorities lie for frivolous spending. So we are saving for that African Safari when you guys are ages x and y. Means we don’t get the brand stuff for any of us. It worked really well. My kids never cared for that stuff - maybe because they knew it was a nonstarter

My Dd , 12, is going through the exact same thing. She never used to care about this stuff but it’s friends and social media. Some of her friends are flying all over to see Taylor swift etc….She gets an alllowance (we do greenlight and it’s linked to chores) and she can put these on her bday/Xmas list but she doesn’t get it all. I tell her that I think she’s falling prey to marketing and the difference between Lululemon and generic is nothing but her additional 80$ but she doesn’t care.

Developmentally, this is a hard age. She just started middle school. My daughter clearly feels an intense need to fit in and be liked by her peers. Her friend group has shifted and I think she’s no longer close with some of her pals from last year, when things were much easier and sweeter. She is moody and incredibly embarrassed by us and especially her older brother who is, in her eyes, a super weird nerd (he is actually a really odd, on the spectrum kid and one day I hope she understands that again and is compassionate but for now)….

I’m trying to ride through this and hope she will come out the other side a thoughtful and intellectually curious and kind person. I do think social media has been corrosive and we recently out stricter limits on stuff.

Anonymous wrote:Kid: I want $150 pjs.
Me: great, put them on your birthday wish list

Same. Usually I’d say something like, if you still want them by your birthday, add it to the list.

I was shocked to read about the $150 a month clothing allowance. I can’t imagine giving my kid $1800 a year for clothes.

When you decide to live in an affluent neighborhood and put your kids in the “good” school, this is what you get. Entitlement all around. You are fighting a strong tide. You probably already have a house cleaner and yard maintenance…so jobs around the house you can routinely get her do as extra (above taking care of her own room/belonging) are going to be minimal and won’t keep up with the cost of her wants.

I would just say no to most. She can ask for things for birthday, Christmas, Easter if you get gifts. Otherwise, pass out fliers in the neighborhood to dog walk, be a mother’s helper (though they probably all have hired help already).

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know if I have a great solution. My tween DD is into the name brand shoes ( Nike/Jordans) but not to bad about other stuff. We do talk about different families making different choices on what they spend money on etc.
She has a friend similar to yours and her parents started giving her an allowance and telling her she needed to use that and stop asking for things. She will save up though and still spend money on things I wouldn’t let my DD get. Like AirPods and recently a Stanley cup. So I like the premise of doing that but I still wouldn’t want my kid spending allowance on expensive fad stuff.

Definitely don’t do the allowance thing if you aren’t willing to yield control without judgment. The whole point is that it’s not up to you, it’s up to them. They’re not going to do what you would do, at least not for a long time.

I actually think if you do it, at some point the budget should include the essentials too. I don’t know if having just a discretionary budget is that valuable an exercise. But it’s a good place to start.