Anonymous
03/01/2024 17:20
Subject: Re:Payment to manage parent’s affairs?
Anonymous wrote:This is a very difficult position to be in, I'm glad to see you are looking at the options. I would start by saying if you were the executor of their estate if they weren't living, you absolutely could pay yourself from their assets for the jobs you are doing. You shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to be compensated.
Divide your list by what you don't mind doing, what you would like to be paid for doing (and set an amount) and what you can easily have someone else to do. In my case, I pay my parent's bills (with their money but I'm the one doing it), collect the tax materials but pay a tax prepare to do the actual tax returns. Some things take time for the parents to get used and some are better just ripping the bandaid off.
Absolutely take time for yourself. Can you take a short vacation? Getting away, to clear your mind and your body can help to refresh you. And if you can't get away on a vacation, take a vacation from your responsibilities. Put it on the calendar - don't do anything for them. Nothing. Just don't. Don't feel guilty, don't feel bad. You can't help others if you don't care for yourself.
What do you love doing? Find time for that - maybe its time with friends or going to the movies.
Ultimately, the reality of this is - it won't last forever. It might get harder and there are a lot of emotions involved in the process but you really can set some of the tone and work.
Thank you! This is very kind.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 17:19
Subject: Payment to manage parent’s affairs?
Anonymous wrote:Sell the house as is. Why all the drama?
I’m a people pleaser. “As is” is not “good enough.”
OP
Anonymous
03/01/2024 15:40
Subject: Re:Payment to manage parent’s affairs?
This is a very difficult position to be in, I'm glad to see you are looking at the options. I would start by saying if you were the executor of their estate if they weren't living, you absolutely could pay yourself from their assets for the jobs you are doing. You shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to be compensated.
Divide your list by what you don't mind doing, what you would like to be paid for doing (and set an amount) and what you can easily have someone else to do. In my case, I pay my parent's bills (with their money but I'm the one doing it), collect the tax materials but pay a tax prepare to do the actual tax returns. Some things take time for the parents to get used and some are better just ripping the bandaid off.
Absolutely take time for yourself. Can you take a short vacation? Getting away, to clear your mind and your body can help to refresh you. And if you can't get away on a vacation, take a vacation from your responsibilities. Put it on the calendar - don't do anything for them. Nothing. Just don't. Don't feel guilty, don't feel bad. You can't help others if you don't care for yourself.
What do you love doing? Find time for that - maybe its time with friends or going to the movies.
Ultimately, the reality of this is - it won't last forever. It might get harder and there are a lot of emotions involved in the process but you really can set some of the tone and work.
Divide your list by what you don't mind doing, what you would like to be paid for doing (and set an amount) and what you can easily have someone else to do. In my case, I pay my parent's bills (with their money but I'm the one doing it), collect the tax materials but pay a tax prepare to do the actual tax returns. Some things take time for the parents to get used and some are better just ripping the bandaid off.
Absolutely take time for yourself. Can you take a short vacation? Getting away, to clear your mind and your body can help to refresh you. And if you can't get away on a vacation, take a vacation from your responsibilities. Put it on the calendar - don't do anything for them. Nothing. Just don't. Don't feel guilty, don't feel bad. You can't help others if you don't care for yourself.
What do you love doing? Find time for that - maybe its time with friends or going to the movies.
Ultimately, the reality of this is - it won't last forever. It might get harder and there are a lot of emotions involved in the process but you really can set some of the tone and work.
Anonymous
03/01/2024 13:39
Subject: Re:Payment to manage parent’s affairs?
This is related to this thread but I have to convey a conversation I had with my mom's neurologist, who I was meeting for the first time. We had been waiting almost 2 hours (ridiculous), so when we finally met him, my mom introduced me and then said something like "this is my daughter spends, who spends far too much time taking care of me while she has her own busy life, job and family" and he responded... "Well, that's what daughters are for."
Not, that's what children are for, but daughters.
Yes, I have a brother and yes, he has done next to nothing.
Not, that's what children are for, but daughters.
Yes, I have a brother and yes, he has done next to nothing.
Anonymous
02/29/2024 16:35
Subject: Payment to manage parent’s affairs?
Sell the house as is. Why all the drama?
Anonymous
02/29/2024 15:58
Subject: Payment to manage parent’s affairs?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It’s not in our culture but I would definitely use proximity to parents to ask for money!
All work has to be rewarded
No, this is just lame and gross.
You have kids. Think about all the "unrewarded" work you do raising them. All the poop, pee, and vomit you clean up, the meals you prepare, the clothes you wash, the day care, schooling, summer camps, and sports you plan and pay for, etc. etc. etc. How much time and effort you spend taking care of them. Your parents did all that for you. For you to think "I should be paid for taking care of them on the back end" is self-absorbed to say the least.
Spoken like a man or toll who has done none of this emotional or physical labor!
Anonymous
02/29/2024 15:55
Subject: Re:Payment to manage parent’s affairs?
We paid family when they did anything for/with my mom... some say.. gross she raised you, do it for free. But this is what I will say.
1. not everybody contributes equally.
2. It is an incentive to help
3. Otherwise we will pay someone else.
4. NOBODY cares or deserves and inheritance, it is my mom's/dad's money and any way we can use it to make their lives better we will.
5. Most of it will go to a nursing home anyway.
6. Not everybody has gas money to go see/help grandma, we all are not as successful as each other and some could really use the money.
So we paid grandchildren/children/helpers to shovel their walk, fix things around the house, take her to lunch, take her to the dr, get her nails done, anything that made their life better.
And guess what, they loved it, they saw people more often, and it was the best decision we ever made.
1. not everybody contributes equally.
2. It is an incentive to help
3. Otherwise we will pay someone else.
4. NOBODY cares or deserves and inheritance, it is my mom's/dad's money and any way we can use it to make their lives better we will.
5. Most of it will go to a nursing home anyway.
6. Not everybody has gas money to go see/help grandma, we all are not as successful as each other and some could really use the money.
So we paid grandchildren/children/helpers to shovel their walk, fix things around the house, take her to lunch, take her to the dr, get her nails done, anything that made their life better.
And guess what, they loved it, they saw people more often, and it was the best decision we ever made.
Anonymous
02/29/2024 15:51
Subject: Payment to manage parent’s affairs?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don’t think you should focus on getting paid. Just set boundaries for what you will and won’t do, then stick to them. Keep compensation out of it.
Disagree with this and I did NOT accept compensation. First, let me step onto my soapbox and this may be a new thread to start...
Ahem...Elderly parents are often living far longer than their parents and grandparents did. The first few years of the emergencies and managing things and dealing with challenging behaviors you do yourself in, but figure it's not forever and you feel like it's the right thing to do and...the years keep going and you find yourself aging at rapid pace, burned out, having nothing to give your kids and spouse, angry, resentful and suddenly any doctor's appointment for yourself is bad news and referrals and work demands make you want to go scream in a padded room and throw yourself against the sides...
Family who take on these tasks, especially if it goes on for a while, should absolutely be compensated if there is money and the siblings not doing these things should insist OR the drudgery should be outsourced so visits can simply be trying to bring joy to the parent and create some final memories. We need to normalize hiring out and having boundaries and VALUING what the present sibling does and the sacrifices they make to their own careers.
I chose motherhood. I would do anything for my kids. The hardest times have been so rough, but I chose this path. I did not chose to be born into a complicated family with a lot of emotional and verbal abuse and strange ways of showing what I am told is "love." With kids they grow up and become more independent with many bumps of course. For too many of us, as our parents decline, mild abuse that was considered within the realm of normal for our generation, devolves into extreme emotional and verbal abuse and even physical outbursts and I don't care if it's dementia or not, it isn't OK. If the person can manage it on major meds with strangers as aides, then that is what is needed. We need to stop expecting mostly women, but sometimes it's men to set themselves on fire to keep their aging parents warm. Outsourcing can be life saving. If a parent cannot afford a top notch facility, sometimes you are better off going with what the state provides and trying to visit and check on things more.
And for all those who say advocate for more funding for this and that. There are children living in poverty. Our schools are understaffed with underpaid teachers. There are special needs families falling apart who need more support with respite and services. The money needs to go there first before it goes to the over 85 crowd.
+1
OP
Anonymous
02/29/2024 15:50
Subject: Payment to manage parent’s affairs?
Anonymous wrote:I have a sibling who didn't want to do much, but wanted weekly documentation of everything. I have a job, 2 kids, one with special needs, a husband who has had serious health issues. I spent way too many years doing too much for my parents only to have this sibling make too many demands and an unappreciative and glowingly hostile parent. I felt trapped and antidepressants didn't help. I developed a 3rd autoimmune issue and was sick all the time. My therapist basically said I either outsourced or I was going to slowly kill myself.
You know what helped? Sibling can become POA and manage all accounting or they can hire an accountant. I'm out. I knew I was allowed to pay myself, but I didn't want to be judged and I never wanted the job and I had no interest in producing weekly accounting because I am not an accountant. Home will be sold as is, we can pay real estate agent to manage all home improvements or sibling can manage it. I'm out. Hire geriatric expert to manage mom's care and advocate and have aides go to doctor's appointments and advocate would attend appointments that were more serious and not routine. Now I just visit and can put on my best self even when mom is hostile and throwing jabs and then I make an excuse to leave if I cannot distract her and get her back into a nice mood.
It's a ton of money going out which luckily mom has. Sibling hates it. Mom hates it. I have been threatened many times with being disinherited. It was worth it. My health status has improved tremendously and health is true wealth. I have been told by 2 friends I now look like I am aging backward despite no special skin treatments when prior I seemed to be aging at a rapid weight. Speaking of weight, I have lost weight. My kids are happier because I am not burned out all the time. I am back to working in dates with my husband. My family of origin didn't appreciate me before and gave me grief. They resent me now and give me grief, but I got a life back.
Your first paragraph was me!! I have permanent health damage from this whole situation. I decided to draw big boundaries around the time I'll spend with any of my family of origin who is causing me major stress with their anxiety, fake illnesses, worries about the end of the world, etc, etc.
My therapist also urged me to get parents into AL, which I did do. So I guess I've taken some steps to get help and that is good. I need to do more, I see!
After reading this, I'm tempted to NOT hire painters and just sell the house as it is. It'll sell no matter what.
OP
Anonymous
02/29/2024 15:46
Subject: Payment to manage parent’s affairs?
Anonymous wrote:Op I get it. I not only spend a lot of time and energy on the care I also realized I drive about 40- 60- miles week extra to take my mom places and visit (she is 7 miles from me). I don’t pay myself hourly but I decided to do hello fresh meal delivery 3x/week on her card. I also now use Instacart for her to send groceries so I’m not there every single day like before and hired someone to help her even though she is in an expensive assisted living .
However the big stride/transition was very hard and it all fell on me and happened 9 months after we moved to a new city and I started a new job and my kids started new middle school. I have one sibling, unmarried no kids, who did next to nothing (he mailed 6 boxes I packed that weren’t picked up by mover and he didn’t keep receipt and they never showed up). More broadly I hired and oversaw my mothers move from her house of 50 years i to AL, oversaw the major renovation (floors kitchen all bathrooms exterior paint and selection of all lighting tile etc) and then subsequent rental of the home (sibling wanted to rent not sell but then didnt manage any of it: I did insurance interviews managers etc). and of course now I am the one to do all her care, finances etc. I took multiple weeks off to deal with this and to boot I lived across country while sibling was on same coast 2 hr drive away (mom is now out where I am).
I had a lot of resentment but now that the worst is over (moving out, renovations, renting out house) it’s subsided a bit. I still take care of my mom but it’s more routine (doctors , daily calls, visit 1-2 x/week, dinners out etc). I’ve k
Learned to draw some boundaries. If I’m the future my burdens increase again I have no issue paying myself if needed but honestly it’s not money it’s time . That’s the precious commodity.
Finally I look at it this way: dealing with all this was very difficult, downsizing her and getting rid of generations of stuff (she was only child) was hard but now it’s done. When she passes I will be able to grieve and not also have to deal with cleaning out a home. (Of course I’m also executor I’d estate so three will be work but at least some of it’s done now for me and it sounds like for you too). And while I have mixed feelings about being her caregiver I also feel I’m doing the right thing while maintaining some boundaries (I stopped taking her to the doctor every week because of her insane health anxiety and conviction she has cancer etc, which is manifestation of her Alzheimer’s.)
This sounds so familiar. I think my money request is more about the time it takes. I want the time to live my life and spend time with my own family.
My mother has health anxiety and has worried about having cancer. She told me once that she had decades before she even had dementia, so it was anxiety and manipulation for her.
So many men sit around doing nothing while their sisters do all the work. The Wash Post just had an article about how husbands just make more work for women, and women are loving divorce (less housework for them).
I've hired people to take her to her standard appointments, and that saves me hours.
I will draw more boundaries. Thanks!
OP
Anonymous
02/29/2024 15:22
Subject: Re:Payment to manage parent’s affairs?
It’s not in our culture but I would definitely use proximity to parents to ask for money!
All work has to be rewarded
No, this is just lame and gross.
You have kids. Think about all the "unrewarded" work you do raising them. All the poop, pee, and vomit you clean up, the meals you prepare, the clothes you wash, the day care, schooling, summer camps, and sports you plan and pay for, etc. etc. etc. How much time and effort you spend taking care of them. Your parents did all that for you. For you to think "I should be paid for taking care of them on the back end" is self-absorbed to say the least.
Does this come into play when the completely uninvolved siblings suddenly show up expecting their full share of the inheritances? I'm a PP who has taken unpaid leave to deal with my parent's move out; who regularly drives miles and miles; who uses most of my sick leave to take her to appointments, and who has had to scale back on work (and moving up at work) all of which impacts me, my career, our finances, etc. My sibling, who does not have any other family responsiblities at all (spouse, kids, pets, etc) will receive half of the estate, which is fine, but in the meantime I am spending sigificantly more time and even money (gas, wear and tear, unpaid leave, opportunities for promotion). I actually think he would be fine with me "charging" for care, but I also am aware that my mom needs to conserve resources, since she will require memory care soon.
finally, i hate to say it, but my mom did very little of the parenting you mention. She was mentally /emotionally ill a lot, and although we were not very wealthy, she used the money she inherited from her parents to hire a live-in housekeeper/caretaker for a few years, so she had very little to do (she also did not work). I dont remember her spending much time with us for the first 8-9 years of my life. and as soon as my dad left, I was responsible for making dinners, doing my laundry, figuring out how to get to/from school and classes, etc when we didn't have someone to help with driving or my dad coudn't do it.
Anonymous
02/29/2024 14:24
Subject: Payment to manage parent’s affairs?
They can pay someone else do it, or live without, or motivate you with gifts.
If you are rich and they aren't, pay someone
If you are rich and they aren't, pay someone
Anonymous
02/29/2024 13:04
Subject: Payment to manage parent’s affairs?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It’s not in our culture but I would definitely use proximity to parents to ask for money!
All work has to be rewarded
No, this is just lame and gross.
You have kids. Think about all the "unrewarded" work you do raising them. All the poop, pee, and vomit you clean up, the meals you prepare, the clothes you wash, the day care, schooling, summer camps, and sports you plan and pay for, etc. etc. etc. How much time and effort you spend taking care of them. Your parents did all that for you. For you to think "I should be paid for taking care of them on the back end" is self-absorbed to say the least.
An adult chooses to have kids. The kids do not choose to come into this world, and therefore do not owe their parents anything "on the back end."
This. I actively chose to have children. Parenting truly needs to be selfless. I changed diapers and cleaned up vomit because I chose this little life and let me tell you...despite tantrums and poop and peeing in my face and all of it, that little toothless smile was so rewarding. So much of it is rewarding.
My childhood was I guess stable in that I had a roof over my head and never worried about food, clothing, etc. I will save all the other parts for therapy, but in many ways I wish my parents had not had me. I am happy to be alive and love the family I created, but despite all the backfips I did I rarely pleased them and the entitlement my mother has is out of control. Her own mother should have never had children and really didn't like raising children. My mother could only stand me when i was a people-pleaser with no self esteem and no sense of selfworth.
Anonymous
02/29/2024 11:20
Subject: Payment to manage parent’s affairs?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It’s not in our culture but I would definitely use proximity to parents to ask for money!
All work has to be rewarded
No, this is just lame and gross.
You have kids. Think about all the "unrewarded" work you do raising them. All the poop, pee, and vomit you clean up, the meals you prepare, the clothes you wash, the day care, schooling, summer camps, and sports you plan and pay for, etc. etc. etc. How much time and effort you spend taking care of them. Your parents did all that for you. For you to think "I should be paid for taking care of them on the back end" is self-absorbed to say the least.
An adult chooses to have kids. The kids do not choose to come into this world, and therefore do not owe their parents anything "on the back end."
Anonymous
02/29/2024 11:14
Subject: Payment to manage parent’s affairs?
Anonymous wrote:It’s not in our culture but I would definitely use proximity to parents to ask for money!
All work has to be rewarded
No, this is just lame and gross.
You have kids. Think about all the "unrewarded" work you do raising them. All the poop, pee, and vomit you clean up, the meals you prepare, the clothes you wash, the day care, schooling, summer camps, and sports you plan and pay for, etc. etc. etc. How much time and effort you spend taking care of them. Your parents did all that for you. For you to think "I should be paid for taking care of them on the back end" is self-absorbed to say the least.