Anonymous
Post 02/28/2024 19:31     Subject: Re:Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing
This detail matters to you. It won't matter to the kids. What will matter to them is where they'll be living, if they have to take sides with a specific parent, when they'll see each parent, if they can/are supposed to tell friends, what they say when asked why, if family rituals will still happen, etc. These are the things that matter.

Your marriage is dissolving. She may be filing for divorce, but the two of you ARE getting divorced.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2024 19:31     Subject: Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here , I do want to protect my children. However, why should there be a "burden" on me to protect her? She didn't think about us when she was having her affair...


For sure you don’t have to protect her, but you have to protect the kids, and telling the kids will hurt their relationship with their mom. They deserve good relationships with both parents and sharing this information will make it very hard for them to have that.


Usually someone who cheats is going to skew things to make the kids like them and hate the other parent.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2024 19:29     Subject: Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Because it's in the best interest of the children to shield them from the details for now.

And because you are both divorcing. It's not like she's getting divorced and you're staying married.


Agree. And I’m in the thick of it now. Spouse left and wanted to tell the kids it was a mutual decision. I wouldn’t agree to that, but have no issue with saying “we” are divorcing. Because we are.

In hindsight, it was just hair-splitting on my part. I was angry and hurt and resented being told what to say. But we both knew I wouldn’t burden the kids with the truth, so my creative wordsmithing was useless wheel spinning. I hate that it feels like I am protecting him, but I have to remind myself that it’s really about protecting the kids.


You aren't protecting the kids. They probably know.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2024 19:28     Subject: Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You don't have to protect her.


OP does not. That's true.

He should do what's right for the kids. That's his life now. Swallowing his anger in front of his kids for their sake.

Might as well start now.

-A divorced dad


My husband never told the kids the truth. They are adults and think Dad cheated, when Mom cheated and left with her AP (how they could not see this is bizarre). He can swallow his anger but he can say that mom made some decisions that were not in the best interests of the family and their relationship and she is choosing to divorce. He will get blamed otherwise.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2024 19:24     Subject: Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing
Anonymous wrote:Because it's in the best interest of the children to shield them from the details for now.

And because you are both divorcing. It's not like she's getting divorced and you're staying married.


Agree. And I’m in the thick of it now. Spouse left and wanted to tell the kids it was a mutual decision. I wouldn’t agree to that, but have no issue with saying “we” are divorcing. Because we are.

In hindsight, it was just hair-splitting on my part. I was angry and hurt and resented being told what to say. But we both knew I wouldn’t burden the kids with the truth, so my creative wordsmithing was useless wheel spinning. I hate that it feels like I am protecting him, but I have to remind myself that it’s really about protecting the kids.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2024 19:15     Subject: Re:Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing
You’re letting your emotions take control.

I divorced my Dh. He was abusive. I’ve never told my children their father was an abusive a$$hole towards me. I wanted to, but what good what that be for them to have confusing feelings towards their dad.

Your relationship with your wife is separate from your kids’ relationship with her.

Anonymous
Post 02/28/2024 19:15     Subject: Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:This is one you need to ask the family counselor about. Like others say, you only tell kids things that are in their benefit to know.

I have a friend currently going through a divorce, and the circumstances are so messed up and out of left field, that the kids could tell something major had happened. So when the parents were saying stuff like "we both decided we didn't love each other like that anymore", their 11 and 14 year old knew something was up. And were being consumed by the stress and guilt of thinking they did something. So the family counselor said in that case it was okay to tell them a very PG version of what dad did, so they stopped wondering.


“We both decided” isn’t fair to one spouse if it’s not true.


Ok - so mom may have decided, but do you really think that’s the whole story of their marriage and divorce? I tell my kids we both decided (I finally called it after years) because it’s better than for me to say: I felt emotionally and sexually abandoned by your father who I realized had anger issues and a low libido and didn’t / couldn’t want to grow emotionally?

An affair is often a symptom of a larger relational issue.

OP - protect your kids and yourself (!) by not starting the blame game!
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2024 19:07     Subject: Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing
Anonymous wrote:This is one you need to ask the family counselor about. Like others say, you only tell kids things that are in their benefit to know.

I have a friend currently going through a divorce, and the circumstances are so messed up and out of left field, that the kids could tell something major had happened. So when the parents were saying stuff like "we both decided we didn't love each other like that anymore", their 11 and 14 year old knew something was up. And were being consumed by the stress and guilt of thinking they did something. So the family counselor said in that case it was okay to tell them a very PG version of what dad did, so they stopped wondering.


“We both decided” isn’t fair to one spouse if it’s not true.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2024 19:03     Subject: Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing
This is one you need to ask the family counselor about. Like others say, you only tell kids things that are in their benefit to know.

I have a friend currently going through a divorce, and the circumstances are so messed up and out of left field, that the kids could tell something major had happened. So when the parents were saying stuff like "we both decided we didn't love each other like that anymore", their 11 and 14 year old knew something was up. And were being consumed by the stress and guilt of thinking they did something. So the family counselor said in that case it was okay to tell them a very PG version of what dad did, so they stopped wondering.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2024 19:03     Subject: Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing
Anonymous wrote:OP let her do the talking and don't say a word. Afterwards, take your 2 kids out and tell them that you love them and you will always be there for them. Do not mention a single thing about their mom.

This. You don’t have to tell why if they don’t ask but you also don’t have to provide cover or lie.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2024 19:00     Subject: Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing
News Flash -- you don't agree on things.
Op, you're being clueless and sounding ridiculous -- Why would you think a person who is divorcing you has the same outlook as you? duh. You do not need to placate her. It is time to become a stronger individual, with your own opinions, and your own voice.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2024 18:59     Subject: Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing
Anonymous wrote:OP here , I do want to protect my children. However, why should there be a "burden" on me to protect her? She didn't think about us when she was having her affair...


What’s the burden, and why are you protecting her by not telling them? Is your x wife protecting you by not disclosing the details of your sex life to your kids? Of is she protecting the kids?

Your question is 101 parenting, OP.
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2024 18:58     Subject: Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing
OP you are angry and that's okay. But your children have NOTHING to do with their moms behavior. Why stress them?
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2024 18:58     Subject: Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing
OP - are there things are you with respect to this marriage that’d you prefer your kids not know? For their sake? For yours?


How do your kids benefit from knowing the reason? Is the affair really the reason?
Anonymous
Post 02/28/2024 18:58     Subject: Disagreement regarding telling our kids we are divorcing
OP, sir, please lawyer up in a real way. This is only the beginning. I’m worried for you.