If he eats everything I’d let him order what he wants. If he doesn’t eat everything I’d give him lip about his eyes being bigger than his stomach.

My wealthy FIL took us out to eat for DD’s graduation years ago. The graduation girl ordered a steak, which was either the most expensive or nearly most expensive thing on the menu. But not way over other other entrees, which we all got. This was not a fancy steakhouse. Anyway, we still hear about how she ordered the most expensive thing on the menu almost every time we talk to him. He chastised her saying she should never do that on a date or she’ll get dumped. DD will never live it down, and it’s our family joke now.

So if he orders the most expensive things on the menu, you should bring it up forever.

Anonymous wrote:Wow OP. Your FIL is something else.
I’m sorry. And glad you can be sort of charitable about it

But the part about your FIL and eting the whole sundae in front of your kids is too much.That is no longer about money. It is just .. mean.

Take the money out of the equation entirely and maybe start again by thinking about how you can have the visit be some combination of a relationship for your kids and fil and something decent for your fil to look forward to. Eat at home or have just one of you take FIL out. You can’t let your FIL show his cruelty to your kids.

I have to admit that I laughed reading your response. Sort of charitable is spot on. I explained to my kids that because FIL doesn’t have friends or a spouse (MIL passed on a few years back) he feels bad for himself and tries to treat himself to make up for it. My son’s response was basically, I think I know why he doesn’t have any friends. I have to say I agree.

Wow OP. Your FIL is something else.
I’m sorry. And glad you can be sort of charitable about it

But the part about your FIL and eting the whole sundae in front of your kids is too much.That is no longer about money. It is just .. mean.

Take the money out of the equation entirely and maybe start again by thinking about how you can have the visit be some combination of a relationship for your kids and fil and something decent for your fil to look forward to. Eat at home or have just one of you take FIL out. You can’t let your FIL show his cruelty to your kids.

Anonymous wrote:Better yet just stop going out to dinner with him and invite him over to your place instead for spaghetti, pizza or something else cheap and easy. If he complains you can tell him that the dinners out have gotten too expensive and you are trying to cut back on costs.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's rude but some rich people want constant proof that people aren't after their money. Making you treat, and ordering a bizarre amount of food, while bragging about first class international flights - it all seems like a test to me.

I'd let DH say something if something has to be said, but I'd probably just suck it up. Not because he's not rude (yes, of course he is) but because it's infrequent. He lives across the country; call it a quirk and decide not to be bothered.

Op here. This is really interesting. I never thought about it as a test. We expect to inherit absolutely nothing given the longevity in DH’s family. Furthermore, we are comfortable and just fine on our two fed salaries and don’t need anything really. I admit it would be great to fly first class but as long as I can afford to go on trips I’m ok being wedged into economy.

I am inclined to suck it up too. My FIL does not have a lot of joy in his life sadly, and if eating the pasta and the chicken makes him happy, fine I guess. I do silently feel annoyed though. I have to admit once the waiter returned when FIL was in the bathroom and just wanted to confirm FIL ordered two entrees. I canceled the second entree. I lived off that small victory for the remainder of his time at my house.

great move. What did he say???

Also, what does DH say about his father doing this to you guys? Does he just suck it up and pick up the check every time without a word?

Does FIL eat 2 entrees, or bring one home to eat as a lunch at your house?

No he eats his entire appetizer by himself, then slowly eats each entree side by side. Like one bite from his pizza and one bite from his pasta. Then he will make a big fuss about how he’s too full for dessert but since it’s a special occasion he’ll get some. What really annoys me is that we don’t let our kids have dessert regularly or order personal appetizers, but it feels weird to say no when FIL happily orders some. Once I had a whole debate with my oldest about how I would not let him order something called a “monster sundae”. When the waiter came back, he reluctantly ordered a small scoop of ice cream as did his sibling. Guess what father in law ordered? The monster sundae. I couldn’t believe it when he sat there and ate every bite in front of my son without offering him a taste or anything. And of course when the bill came, we paid because FIL hid in the bathroom.

DH is just as annoyed as I am about it. He silently seethed the whole way home from the restaurant. He brings it up about once every few weeks and then of course feels bad about it because as I said before FIL is a lonely old man. My husband’s family dynamic growing up was one where you didn’t question your parents choices. So I understand why he hasn’t called him out on it. But it also realllllllllllly annoys me.

As for the one time when I happily canceled the second entree, FIL asked the waiter about it right away. I told him that I didn’t realize he wanted TWO entrees since the restaurant was so expensive and it would set a bad example for the kids. He looked utterly wounded (this filled me with happiness) and said he was just “thinking of them” and had “ordered it for the table”.

Anonymous wrote:Am I a jerk for getting annoyed that FIL orders two entrees, an appetizer, and a dessert every time we pay the restaurant bill?

My husband and I are both feds and make a nice living but live pretty frugally since we have two kids with lots of expenses. Every time we visit our father in law who lives across the country or when he visits here, FIL insists we pay for everything. I find this annoying because FIL is wealthy (my husband has seen his financial records) and he brags about things like never flying economy when he visits Europe (which happens at least once a year).

FIL rarely pays for anything, ever except maybe the occasional fast food lunch where won’t let the kids order happy meals because they’re “too expensive”. I don’t know why this bugs me so much but it does. I have never seen anyone order two entrees at once. Is this normal? No he’s not fat, just chubby.

Tell him to stay home, he is no longer welcome at your residence.

No one can "insist" you pay for their dinner.

Anonymous wrote:Better yet just stop going out to dinner with him and invite him over to your place instead for spaghetti, pizza or something else cheap and easy. If he complains you can tell him that the dinners out have gotten too expensive and you are trying to cut back on costs.

This is what you need to do

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's rude but some rich people want constant proof that people aren't after their money. Making you treat, and ordering a bizarre amount of food, while bragging about first class international flights - it all seems like a test to me.

I'd let DH say something if something has to be said, but I'd probably just suck it up. Not because he's not rude (yes, of course he is) but because it's infrequent. He lives across the country; call it a quirk and decide not to be bothered.

Op here. This is really interesting. I never thought about it as a test. We expect to inherit absolutely nothing given the longevity in DH’s family. Furthermore, we are comfortable and just fine on our two fed salaries and don’t need anything really. I admit it would be great to fly first class but as long as I can afford to go on trips I’m ok being wedged into economy.

I am inclined to suck it up too. My FIL does not have a lot of joy in his life sadly, and if eating the pasta and the chicken makes him happy, fine I guess. I do silently feel annoyed though. I have to admit once the waiter returned when FIL was in the bathroom and just wanted to confirm FIL ordered two entrees. I canceled the second entree. I lived off that small victory for the remainder of his time at my house.

great move. What did he say???

Also, what does DH say about his father doing this to you guys? Does he just suck it up and pick up the check every time without a word?

Does FIL eat 2 entrees, or bring one home to eat as a lunch at your house?

Menu idea: Some kind of chicken with Cream of Chicken soup on top, baked potato and broccoli. Save your $$ for when you go out with your spouse.

When he visits you - maybe he wants something in the frig for later?

Anonymous wrote:I would ask him if he was eating for two tonight on the way into the restaurant and pat his belly.

Ooooooooh I LOVE THIS!!!!!!! I’m absolutely going to use it as he’s not shy about telling us we gained weight! Gosh this brings me so much petty joy! Thank you!!! - OP

I would ask him if he was eating for two tonight on the way into the restaurant and pat his belly.

Anonymous wrote:I am normally very anti being passive aggressive but agree in this case it's called for.

He clearly wants you to prove your love through money and he's testing boundaries. Next time he visits make a frozen pizza and bagged salad one night, a frozen meal from Trader Joe's another, etc. Keep the meals on the less expensive side and at home. If he talks about going out to eat say that with inflation unfortunately it's not in your budget these days.

These are all doable, great ideas. Neither Dh nor I are good cooks, so getting some nice Trader Joe’s meals feels easy.

He demands you pay for dinner and then orders two entrées? That’s crazy bizarre.

I agree you tell him that he will only pay for an appetizer, entrée, and dessert and if he orders a second one, he needs to put it on the separate bill.