Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe people are recommending therapy for this! It is in the past. You made a decision, that in retrospect, may not have been the best for you at that time. If this is the worst thing that has ever happened to you, please consider yourself lucky.
You did not owe it to them to attend their wedding. Or perhaps you could’ve gone but done it a little cheaper and that would have been better in the long run. But other than a thank you to all who traveled to their destination wedding, they don’t owe you anything either.Just. Move. On.

Moving on is exactly what therapy is for! If OP could “just move on” this wouldn’t be a recurring issue for 20 years. OP needs some help to hear a different perspective and find the tools needed to move on.

I went to cognitive behavioral therapy for 8-10 sessions total about 20 years ago and it was life changing. It got me out of a rut I was in with some recurring intrusive thoughts like OP has and gave me tools that I have used ever since.

That is hard OP. I understand where you are coming from. However this is like wanting an Ex to say some magical sentence that will heal all the hurt or wanting to have the perfect bit by comment that will make them realize how much they hurt you and feel remorse. The crappy thing is there is no magic phrase or apology that will give you the emotional closure or satisfaction you seek. This is not because they are selfish, but because most people do not think about others and put themselves in their shoes. The family you are angry with have no way of knowing the whole picture of your finances. The couple who had the wedding were in the throes of their wedding. This is a good scenario for cognitive behavioral therapy. No one can make you feel anything. You receive input (actions and words) from others, you decide how to feel and choose how to react.

The other hard part is that you had ongoing issues for years. This debt may have been part of it, but it wasn’t all of it. Similar to wanting that one perfect acknowledgment and apology, it is convenient to focus on this one big expense. It may be hard to a knowledge and take responsibility for the situation and it feels good to blame this triggering event. This is another thing where therapy can help you let go and move forward. This is more than a financial debt, it’s a mental debt that is still dragging you down.

I always appreciate the analogy that holding onto a grudge is like drinking poison daily, hoping it will hurt the other person.

Feelings aren’t facts, too.

You felt you had to go, made a choice, and now feel a grudge (resentful). The only person hurting is you. Yes, sometimes choices have unintended consequence, but you actually did have a choice.
You’re still carrying this years later - for what? What does it serve you? It’s damaging your relationship, which maybe you choose to have or don’t, but if you’re holding it over their head, but remember they didn’t make your choice for you. Do you always do what people
Want you to do? I know of very few people actually attending destination weddings under true duress eg. Knife or gunpoint, threats of harm, etc. Most of it is self imposed people pleasing

I'm the one suggesting googling rumination. This was the link that was useful to me, particularly around "Understand the real need your rumination fills": https://nickwignall.com/stop-ruminating/

Anonymous wrote:I think the OP is asking *how* to move on, and everyone is just saying "move on."

Why is it stuck in your mind, OP? Are you feeling like you are not getting appreciation in other aspects of your life? Are there are other dynamics with these specific people that are arising or are a constant, irritating theme for you?

The vast majority of respondents said therapy was the “how.” Another person suggested googling rumination. Many people also suggested taking responsibility. It’s a treasure trove of advice.

Anonymous wrote:I think the OP is asking *how* to move on, and everyone is just saying "move on."

Why is it stuck in your mind, OP? Are you feeling like you are not getting appreciation in other aspects of your life? Are there are other dynamics with these specific people that are arising or are a constant, irritating theme for you?

I hope all the couples out there that insist on having expensive destination weddings are reading this.

I think the OP is asking *how* to move on, and everyone is just saying "move on."

Why is it stuck in your mind, OP? Are you feeling like you are not getting appreciation in other aspects of your life? Are there are other dynamics with these specific people that are arising or are a constant, irritating theme for you?

20 years ago?? Surely, you have more important things to think about. The wedding was an invitation not a summons. You had the ability to say no thank you.

Google “why do I ruminate”. I found it helpful to understand why I couldn’t get over stuff like what you are describing.

Forgive them. That doesn’t mean that you forget the valuable lesson you learned about boundaries, but release the grudge. Remember, resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.

An invitation is not a summons. Your resentment is misplaced. Why are you blaming someone else for a choice you made?

I can’t believe people are recommending therapy for this! It is in the past. You made a decision, that in retrospect, may not have been the best for you at that time. If this is the worst thing that has ever happened to you, please consider yourself lucky.
You did not owe it to them to attend their wedding. Or perhaps you could’ve gone but done it a little cheaper and that would have been better in the long run. But other than a thank you to all who traveled to their destination wedding, they don’t owe you anything either.Just. Move. On.

It's ridiculous for you to expect them to say that to you, since you had the ability to say "It breaks my heart for us to miss your wedding but we just can't afford it. We'll be with you in spirit and would love to take you out for a dinner when you get back." But you didn't. You want to blame others for your inability to act like the grownup you were and use your words.

You don't want to admit you screwed up and you're angry at yourself, so you're (wrongly) displacing your anger onto your relatives. Grow up.

Be glad, after 20 years, you still aren't this stupid.

You were newly married, which means you felt you were grown. Sounds like you wanted his parents to pay. You need to let all this go. Feeling resentful will eat at you and not bring the money back.