Also, want to add that as parents, our job is to raise our kids so that they are capable of being independent and doing well without us. They will eventually leave us to have lives of their own. While I will always put my kids first, I do not want to lose my career and a large part of my identity for the 18 or so years when they are home with me, and deal with a massive void for the rest of my life.

A man is not a plan.

Being financially reliant on a man is very risky.

What's going to happen to you if you divorce? If your husband cheats on you, are you going to turn a blind eye so that you can keep living your nice lifestyle rather than having to downgrade and get a job (that won't be a good job in all likelihood since you took yourself out of the workplace)?

It's almost like some men can actually change a diaper and make dinner. I don't understand why this is news in 2024.

Anonymous wrote:I am getting divorced and was a SAHM for 10 years. I would say keep working. Or if you stop, get a postnup and layout terms.

My XH is now claiming all of retirement accounts are his and also trying to take the kids and get child support from me.

This is good advice.

I’m so sorry, PP.

Because a man is not a plan. I don't know if my DH could get unemployed, sick, disabled, die or leave me. Having plenty of savings and investments may not be enough.

I SAH for a few years but went back to work. I am in finance and I am very grateful to have my job. It adds an amazing cushion to our family budget/investments and I believe I am a very good example to my children.

If someone wants to SAH, good for them. I don't judge them. Plenty of my friends are SAH. But for me, I want my own job and own financial stability.

Anonymous wrote:I knew I couldn't deal with being SAHM, I would go stir crazy. I enjoy contributing to society and extending my efforts and mental abilities to beyond that of a mother and wife. My DH helps a lot with childcare and home chores. We have cleaning service. When kids were younger, had nannies/babysitters in addition to kids going to daycare/preschool early on.

Sounds like feminism did its damage. I don't understand how so many women believe that being a corporate cog is more meaningful than being a mother.

Also, OP mentioned partner. I would never risk deprioritizing my income for a partner because I would have no legal protection if the relationship ended.

Marriage esp after 10 years is different. There are legal protections there.

I am getting divorced and was a SAHM for 10 years. I would say keep working. Or if you stop, get a postnup and layout terms.

My XH is now claiming all of retirement accounts are his and also trying to take the kids and get child support from me.

DH,
My high-earning husband is a great cook and it's a stress-reliever for him. Doesn't your husband have a hobby that he enjoys sharing with his family?

I did eventually stay home but not until our second child came along and school involvement became important to me. We have a weekly housekeeper but I don't mind doing laundry and errands. So DH cooks, I do laundry/errands, and housekeeper cleans. Our household runs pretty smoothly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people like working. It gives them an identity and purpose apart from family life. It’s also empowering to earn money yourself. None of this disappears when children are born.

And if you grow apart later, it’s good to have a current skill set in case you have to support yourself again one day. It happens.

I understand this. I liked my job too and it gave me a sense of purpose, but I had to re-prioritize my goals ad staying in the workforce made it difficult for me to have to do everything.

I can appreciate this, but I got over it fairly quickly because that is just how life is. I did get creative with work so that I could better prioritize both children and family. I was in a very rigid career with little flexibility until I had my second. Then I changed careers to one that used similar skills but had more flexibility.

I do point out my work to my kids on occasion so they know that Mommy works, too. I think that’s an important lesson for children- that adults work to earn money, not just men (or just women). It’s easy for kids to internalize that message when one parent exits the workforce permanently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people like working. It gives them an identity and purpose apart from family life. It’s also empowering to earn money yourself. None of this disappears when children are born.

And if you grow apart later, it’s good to have a current skill set in case you have to support yourself again one day. It happens.

I understand this. I liked my job too and it gave me a sense of purpose, but I had to re-prioritize my goals ad staying in the workforce made it difficult for me to have to do everything.

NP. Sounds like you find parenting a lot harder than people like me. I didn’t/dont find it that hard to do everything for work and family life. For me, there’s just not enough to do as a stay at home parent.

Ages matter a lot here too, guys. Parenting has phases, ages, genders, special needs, it is not homogenous.

I knew I couldn't deal with being SAHM, I would go stir crazy. I enjoy contributing to society and extending my efforts and mental abilities to beyond that of a mother and wife. My DH helps a lot with childcare and home chores. We have cleaning service. When kids were younger, had nannies/babysitters in addition to kids going to daycare/preschool early on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people like working. It gives them an identity and purpose apart from family life. It’s also empowering to earn money yourself. None of this disappears when children are born.

And if you grow apart later, it’s good to have a current skill set in case you have to support yourself again one day. It happens.

I understand this. I liked my job too and it gave me a sense of purpose, but I had to re-prioritize my goals ad staying in the workforce made it difficult for me to have to do everything.

NP. Sounds like you find parenting a lot harder than people like me. I didn’t/dont find it that hard to do everything for work and family life. For me, there’s just not enough to do as a stay at home parent.

The better question is probably how, not why. I'm sure you can think of a lot of reasons: rewarding work, don't like staying home with kids, get depressed without sufficient adult interaction, etc.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people like working. It gives them an identity and purpose apart from family life. It’s also empowering to earn money yourself. None of this disappears when children are born.

And if you grow apart later, it’s good to have a current skill set in case you have to support yourself again one day. It happens.

I understand this. I liked my job too and it gave me a sense of purpose, but I had to re-prioritize my goals ad staying in the workforce made it difficult for me to have to do everything.

This will sound much meaner over a post than if we were speaking. But I don’t mean it in a mean way. OP, everyone comes to the table with different skills and strengths and talents. Some women who stayed in the workforce had stronger skills in the workplace and homefront which allowed manage both more easily than you were able to.

Yup. And also, being a SAHM is really hard for some people. It certainly would be hard for me. Working and hiring help is a way to play to my strengths and avoid the parts of SAHM that I'm not good at.