Anonymous
Post 02/22/2024 14:14     Subject: Parent says they don’t want to be a burden but then won’t move to assisted living
Baby boomers hate old people and don’t want to be around them, even though they ARE them. Just a returned from visiting my folks and my mother, in her early seventies, acts like my father, in his late seventies, is going to drop dead at any minute. He’s healthy, she’s healthy, and she makes obnoxious comments about old people in restaurants - not realising that she is probably the same age.

They are exhausting and make themselves a burden by being so unselfaware.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2024 14:06     Subject: Parent says they don’t want to be a burden but then won’t move to assisted living
Anonymous wrote:I am in my late 50s. Kids are in college/working. We are waiting for them to get married (we will pay for wedding of course) and we want to help them to get settled and help raise their family.

Our kids talk about us living with them but we like our house and independence. Of course, quite possible that all close knit neighbors also will go old, get widowed/widower and will move into assisted living or with family. So, my plan is to live for as long as possible in our own house. Then, if things become so hard that we are dealing with day to day things, then I want to weigh my options.


How is this relevant? This is almost certainly what all our parents said to themselves except now it’s time to weigh options and they can’t or won’t.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2024 14:04     Subject: Re:Parent says they don’t want to be a burden but then won’t move to assisted living
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Slow down. Adult agist children in this forum want to send healthy 72 yrs olds to assisted living.

Way more details needed OP.


No, clearly there is a major problem with denial among seniors. Many are unwilling to acknowledge their cognitive and physical limitations.


Are you that clueless? If you have cognitive issues, you can't acknowledge it as you don't understand it due to the nature of cognitive issues.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2024 13:57     Subject: Parent says they don’t want to be a burden but then won’t move to assisted living
Been there and she absolutely was an entitled, demanding, and increasingly more verbally abusive burden. You make your limits clear. They can hire people to manage their care. It's very pricey and the people can really stink (long story). Also, you need to make clear you are not the entire social life. Their world gets smaller, whereas with inlaws I saw at AL the world gets bigger once they acclimate and have friends and try out more of the activities.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2024 13:47     Subject: Parent says they don’t want to be a burden but then won’t move to assisted living
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s awful. I have no advice, bc nothing I’ve tried has worked. It’s so frustrating, and then it becomes infuriating.

I will definitely read what others say, though. In the meantime I just wanted to say that I see you, and you are not alone.


All of this!
My MIL "doesn't want to be a burden" but will not move into a home. She's in a wheelchair and wears adult diapers. Her dementia is progressively getting worse. She's had so many mini-strokes that I've lost count. She cannot even make meals or go to the restroom alone. FIL died last year. We've hired a FT caregiver, many actually, and she doesn't want "strangers" in her home. Then we moved her to to BILs house.... She still doesnt like any caregiver except family. It's such a HUGE BURDEN. When she says "she doesn't want to be a burden" it infuriates me every time. BIL is on the verge of divorce because of this and SIL is looking to us to 'take her in' because she "just can't". No F(ck!ng way!


Sorry, this was a DP, not OP. I'm just someone who can relate.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2024 13:05     Subject: Parent says they don’t want to be a burden but then won’t move to assisted living
I am in my late 50s. Kids are in college/working. We are waiting for them to get married (we will pay for wedding of course) and we want to help them to get settled and help raise their family.

Our kids talk about us living with them but we like our house and independence. Of course, quite possible that all close knit neighbors also will go old, get widowed/widower and will move into assisted living or with family. So, my plan is to live for as long as possible in our own house. Then, if things become so hard that we are dealing with day to day things, then I want to weigh my options.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2024 11:06     Subject: Parent says they don’t want to be a burden but then won’t move to assisted living
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Do you know where they would move? With our parents, the four siblings and I had to know. First step is WE had to know what would work Two who were local, went and looked. Narrowed the choices down to two. Then, took Mom to choose and all siblings were anonymous - this is happening. Based on Mom's choice, it was happening - this date or that date. That's the move-in date. Move them in, clear out the house and sell it later.

Left Dad out of any decision since he had dementia. For him, we made sure the new apt was fully set-up with the biggest tv you've ever seen, turned to his favorite sports channel, and a comfy chair. This is what he was seeing when he walked in the first time. He was happy. It took a few days for him to realize he now lived in the place with the big tv.

Parents were nearing 90. We may have tricked Mom initially saying, "try it for the Winter." They were use to being snowbirds and changing homes during Winter months. But we definitely ALL applied pressure, a lot of pressure -- it was happening. And we were all putting up with their/her being unhappy with us. Mean too. You know what? Within 3 months, you would have thought is was their idea. A great idea. They were bragging to everyone who would listen about how responsible they had been and what a great idea it was


This story is so familiar. It takes teamwork and money to shunt old cantankerous parents to where they should be. You and your siblings did a great job, OP. I'm an only child dealing with two ultra-rigid and anxious parents, and it's going to be uphill work.


Not the Op but I agree with you. One benefit of being an only child is there isn't a sibling to block any efforts you try to make, like I had.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2024 11:05     Subject: Parent says they don’t want to be a burden but then won’t move to assisted living
Op my mom said the same and did the same. Ultimately she was just unable to cope with any decision. I handled everything and just told her this was happening and she was safe this way and didn’t have to do a thing. She was subsequently diagnosed with stage 3-4 Alzheimer’s but presented as stubbornness confusion rigidity etc. mostly unable to comprehend her own state.she is doing very well (much better) in AL. Fortunately she has a desirable property that we rehabbed and rented to cover most of her costs.

You may need to stage an intervention or drop the rope. The in between is horrible.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2024 11:05     Subject: Re:Parent says they don’t want to be a burden but then won’t move to assisted living
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Slow down. Adult agist children in this forum want to send healthy 72 yrs olds to assisted living.

Way more details needed OP.


No, clearly there is a major problem with denial among seniors. Many are unwilling to acknowledge their cognitive and physical limitations.


My father did this right into bankrupting them. When he died, my mother had to immediately sell the house and was lucky enough that my husband and I could float 25K so she had somewhere to go. Even still, we had to sell to an investor for less because my father burned out all the time and she let him.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2024 09:59     Subject: Parent says they don’t want to be a burden but then won’t move to assisted living
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It’s awful. I have no advice, bc nothing I’ve tried has worked. It’s so frustrating, and then it becomes infuriating.

I will definitely read what others say, though. In the meantime I just wanted to say that I see you, and you are not alone.


All of this!
My MIL "doesn't want to be a burden" but will not move into a home. She's in a wheelchair and wears adult diapers. Her dementia is progressively getting worse. She's had so many mini-strokes that I've lost count. She cannot even make meals or go to the restroom alone. FIL died last year. We've hired a FT caregiver, many actually, and she doesn't want "strangers" in her home. Then we moved her to to BILs house.... She still doesnt like any caregiver except family. It's such a HUGE BURDEN. When she says "she doesn't want to be a burden" it infuriates me every time. BIL is on the verge of divorce because of this and SIL is looking to us to 'take her in' because she "just can't". No F(ck!ng way!


Don’t back down. We aren’t this bad, but yeah I’m at the point of having my hand forced and yeah you are a burden and we can’t do it anymore. So sorry op. Sounds awful.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2024 09:55     Subject: Parent says they don’t want to be a burden but then won’t move to assisted living
Anonymous wrote:A lot of assisted living places have free lunches with tours so I told my mom let’s just go ti get the free lunch. The ones that dhdnt I called and prepaid for the lunch then told the person giving the tour to go along with the lunch was free. It was enough fir my mom to go look at places. The unknown is scary.


Thank you. I tried this after looking at about 8 places. This place was my top contender. They have a group of men there who hang out, thought it would be perfect for dad. Mom is gone. He got there, and people were rolling up in wheel chairs and he said everyone seemed so “old”. He’s 79 and refused the idea completely. So back to square one. It was a nice place too and not cheap, luxury even. Five figures a month.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2024 09:50     Subject: Parent says they don’t want to be a burden but then won’t move to assisted living
Anonymous wrote:It’s awful. I have no advice, bc nothing I’ve tried has worked. It’s so frustrating, and then it becomes infuriating.

I will definitely read what others say, though. In the meantime I just wanted to say that I see you, and you are not alone.


All of this!
My MIL "doesn't want to be a burden" but will not move into a home. She's in a wheelchair and wears adult diapers. Her dementia is progressively getting worse. She's had so many mini-strokes that I've lost count. She cannot even make meals or go to the restroom alone. FIL died last year. We've hired a FT caregiver, many actually, and she doesn't want "strangers" in her home. Then we moved her to to BILs house.... She still doesnt like any caregiver except family. It's such a HUGE BURDEN. When she says "she doesn't want to be a burden" it infuriates me every time. BIL is on the verge of divorce because of this and SIL is looking to us to 'take her in' because she "just can't". No F(ck!ng way!
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2024 09:49     Subject: Parent says they don’t want to be a burden but then won’t move to assisted living
Anonymous wrote:Do they need help? Are you doing a lot for them? How old are they?

From what little you posted, there is no way to tell if they actually need it, or if you just want it.


Yes, they need it. They cannot drive as have dementia, so I do all of the organization around dr appointments and then drive them to said Dr appts. Usually about 3x a week. They cannot pay bills, so all of that has to be managed. Have power of attorney as they’ve been scammed out of hundreds of thousands of dollars. Can’t take care of the house, there’s always some sort of “emergency”.
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2024 09:47     Subject: Parent says they don’t want to be a burden but then won’t move to assisted living
^ sorry, PP, not OP!
Anonymous
Post 02/22/2024 09:47     Subject: Parent says they don’t want to be a burden but then won’t move to assisted living
Anonymous wrote:Do you know where they would move? With our parents, the four siblings and I had to know. First step is WE had to know what would work Two who were local, went and looked. Narrowed the choices down to two. Then, took Mom to choose and all siblings were anonymous - this is happening. Based on Mom's choice, it was happening - this date or that date. That's the move-in date. Move them in, clear out the house and sell it later.

Left Dad out of any decision since he had dementia. For him, we made sure the new apt was fully set-up with the biggest tv you've ever seen, turned to his favorite sports channel, and a comfy chair. This is what he was seeing when he walked in the first time. He was happy. It took a few days for him to realize he now lived in the place with the big tv.

Parents were nearing 90. We may have tricked Mom initially saying, "try it for the Winter." They were use to being snowbirds and changing homes during Winter months. But we definitely ALL applied pressure, a lot of pressure -- it was happening. And we were all putting up with their/her being unhappy with us. Mean too. You know what? Within 3 months, you would have thought is was their idea. A great idea. They were bragging to everyone who would listen about how responsible they had been and what a great idea it was


This story is so familiar. It takes teamwork and money to shunt old cantankerous parents to where they should be. You and your siblings did a great job, OP. I'm an only child dealing with two ultra-rigid and anxious parents, and it's going to be uphill work.